Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship (17 page)

Randall said, “I’ve had serious concerns that our relationship is messed up. Carol and I argue all the time. You’re saying we’re going through something that makes everyone argue. But we get so out of control sometimes, and our shouting matches go on and on. We’ve never hit each other, but it gets pretty bad.” Randall wasn’t complaining about Carol. Now that their arguments were out in the open, he wanted my professional opinion.

“Here’s what I can tell you: Intense pervasive conflict does not automatically mean your relationship is unhealthy. It’s all in how you handle it. But here’s a rule of thumb: Your gridlock is inversely proportional to the strength of your Four Points of Balance. When you can’t tolerate internal conflict, you direct it outwardly and interpersonally, so poorly differentiated couples have very intense gridlock. It gets less intense and pervasive as you grow.”

Carol joked, “Are you saying we’re healthy because we can fight openly?”

“No. Understanding that conflict is normal, inevitable, and healthy does
not
mean anything goes. Fighting openly is not the issue. Domestic violence is a serious widespread problem. You have to
use
conflict productively, not indulge in it. You lock horns because you don’t have much internal emotional buffer. You get stuck on just a few topics because of the process of elimination. You and Randall don’t really talk—or fight—about the bigger issues between you. That’s why you keep pushing Randall to talk about going to boarding school.”

As it turned out, Randall never talked about his childhood throughout their treatment. He was relieved we had something else to talk about, and he really learned about gridlock and the Four Points of Balance. This allowed him to be in therapy without capitulating to Carol’s efforts to make him talk about his past. We dealt with things that were more
directly controlling their sexual desire problems. This allowed them to turn things around.

As he built a more Solid Flexible Self, Randall liked not having to see things Carol’s way. He also found it fascinating to think about himself, Carol, and their desire problem in entirely new ways. Between sessions, he thought about our discussions and applied them to his life. Had he simply refused to talk about his childhood and done nothing else, it would just have been defiance, not better balance. But getting a better grip on his self was something else again.

Emotional gridlock is inevitable but resolvable. You resolve it by increasing your Four Points of Balance: Developing a more solid flexible self, getting better at quieting your mind and calming your heart, staying grounded and making more modulated responses, and enduring hard times because you’re emotionally invested will all open up new solutions you weren’t capable of seeing before.

Carol and Randall understood their Four Points of Balance were poorly developed. The result had been constant arguments, blaming each other, guardedness, taking things personally, being highly reactive, easily hurt, and slow to heal. Finding method in the madness calmed Carol and Randall down. It gave them hope, direction, and purpose. This allowed them to turn situations that usually went bad into incredibly good things. Let me tell you about their landmark interaction.

After several sessions, Carol had worked up the nerve to talk with Randall about their sexual desire problems. Randall was reading his paper, oblivious to the battle in Carol’s mind. She started getting angry with him for seeming to lack any awareness of what was going on. But this time Carol thought,
This is nuts! I’m starting to get angry with Randall because I don’t have the guts to speak up. I need to soothe myself and open my mouth—but not shoot it off
. She took a deep breath.

Carol spoke forthrightly and non-defensively. She didn’t use the sheepish and hesitant delivery that irritated Randall. This time, Carol broached the topic of sex clearly and directly. She didn’t have to say much. Carol
said evenly, “I want you to talk with me about our sexual problem. I’m not going to avoid this anymore.”

Randall looked up and didn’t say anything for a moment. It seemed like eternity to Carol, but she held on to her self and didn’t overreact. Immediately, she saw something different in Randall’s eyes. He wasn’t glaring at her or freezing her out. He was mapping her mind, taking in how and why she was doing this. He saw she wasn’t driven by her anxieties the way she usually was.

Randall thought to himself,
We’re gridlocked!
instead of his usual thought,
She’s pushing me!
Randall was less defensive because he saw new meaning that increased his endurance. He understood his desire was as much or more about what happened during sex, and things like emotional gridlock and differentiation, than it was about his childhood. He stopped focusing on shielding information from Carol and tried to get through the gridlock. Once relieved of defending his past, he was a fast learner. He started focusing on what really happened between Carol and himself, analyzing their interactions through the lens of the Four Points of Balance. And all this happened in real time.

Randall realized his heart was racing. He took a deep breath to calm himself. He knew this was a big moment. He didn’t want to overreact and set Carol off. He talked to himself about meaningful endurance for growth, and then he spoke before he had the opportunity to change his mind.

“I really don’t know how to say this, but here goes … I am between a rock and a hard place. You want me to want you, but I feel like you’re always interfering or telling me what to do. I know you often mean well, but you drive me nuts … If I express dissatisfaction with anything you do, like pushing me to talk about my childhood, you either blow up or get hurt—usually both.”

Randall paused to see if Carol exploded. When she didn’t, he continued:

“I, myself, am no gem … I’m so poorly balanced I can’t stand it. I don’t feel very good about myself. When you’re not screaming, I usually am—no, correct that: When you’re screaming, I’m usually screaming too … But I can take all the Viagra I want and all I get is a good erection. It doesn’t make me eager to get together with you.”

Carol mapped Randall’s mind: He was more focused on what he wanted to say and less focused on her reaction. He wasn’t taking a shot at her in the name of speaking his truth. He was confronting himself and telling the truth. Carol saw Randall putting the Four Points of Balance into action.

Carol and Randall looked at each other. Their moment of meeting lasted for almost a minute. Randall mapped Carol’s mind and saw this was not countdown to an explosion. Carol’s face was relaxed, her eyes were alert, but not filled with hurt.

“Well, you’re right,” Carol said slowly. “Normally, I’d be bouncing off the ceiling about now … But I’m calming myself down and trying not to overreact … This is a special moment for us, and I don’t want to blow it.”

For a minute, neither knew what to say or do. Randall walked over and gave Carol a kiss that probably lasted half a minute. “My word,” Carol said, “that sure beats blowing up.” Randall smiled back at her. Then they ambled off to make lunch.

That afternoon Carol and Randall made love without an argument appetizer. It wasn’t just that they actually did something new. Carol stopped taking Randall’s hesitancies so personally. Watching him confront himself and master his insecurities made her realize Randall needed room to have his own difficulties.

Randall and Carol came to their next session filled with their success. “I told myself to calm down,” Randall said, “and I made myself repeat the Four Points of Balance. I do it like a mantra. I tell myself:
Hold on to your self and stay clear about what’s important. Quiet your mind. Don’t overreact. Stay grounded. Meaningful endurance will get you what you want
. This helps at work, too. The other day I almost blew up at a coworker, who’s a real sweet guy. I talked to myself. I didn’t react to something careless he had done. I didn’t take it so personally.”

Carol said, “It works for me too. It makes it easier when you’re gridlocked. At least I know what’s going on, and I’m not so terrified that everything’s going wrong. And the Four Points of Balance tell me what
I need to do—even if I can’t always do it.” Randall laughed and nodded in agreement.

I added, “The important thing is doing them, not just saying them.”

Carol nodded. “I can see the difference in Randall. I see him trying to calm himself down. I’ve never seen that before. I like it. Just seeing his effort makes a difference, even if we’re not great at it. At least I know where his head is at.”

I said, “Lots of people ask me, ‘How do I learn to self-soothe? How do I become more differentiated? Is there a book I can read or some skills I can practice?’ My response is, ‘Just get married. You’ll get all the practice you need.’”

Randall and Carol smiled and nodded their heads in agreement.

Randall and Carol resolved their sexual desire problems. No longer feeling that he had something to hide, Randall let me see more of what really happened between him and Carol. They had common problems with intimacy (like the ones we’ll discuss next chapter). Resolving them made Randall more interested in sex. Intimacy was another area where Carol picked at his shortcomings. That’s where Carol made the most progress. By working with intimacy, Carol learned to calm herself down. She no longer gave off what Randall called “an electric hum of anxiety.”

Carol and Randall developed a resilient collaborative alliance (discussed in
Part Four
) and used it to explore their sexual potential for eroticism. During the next several months sex became more frequent, daring, and intimate. On average they had sex once or twice a week, which was fine for both of them. Carol and Randall developed mutual respect out of the sexual desire problems that earlier had them screaming for divorce.

Several months later, Carol contacted me to let me know things were going well. She told me Randall had talked to her about being sent off to school. She had finally gotten what she wanted so badly, and she realized why she wanted it: Her reflected sense of self took it as proof she was a “safe person” for someone to go to. To Carol this meant,
I’m not like my mother
.

Randall’s and Carol’s Four Points of Balance gave them more room to
accommodate each other, and room to move forward, which allowed them to resolve their gridlock. In the end Carol finally got what she wanted, but not the way she’d anticipated: When Carol backed off from Randall and learned to regulate herself, she stopped tampering with Randall’s sense of self. He, in turn, was more eager to have sex and be open with her. But everything didn’t hinge on Carol making the first move; Randall’s sexual interest grew as he developed greater emotional independence.

Carol and Randall discovered that as you strengthen your Four Points of Balance, the best in you, rather than your reflected sense of self, drives your quest for growth. You start seeking happiness and fuller meanings in life. It’s not always fun: You will experience difficult soul-searching and have to go through self-confrontation. But it’s the pathway to enlightenment, wisdom, and compassion.

A robust sexual relationship requires holding on to your self. It comes from the Four Points of Balance. So if you want to lend your partner a helping hand in bed, hold on to your self first.

Sexual desire problems aren’t particularly unique. All life crises demand of us similar growth, be they medical illness, injury, personal trauma, money problems, or difficulty with kids and in-laws. When the best in you stands up and faces the realities of your life, it produces intimacy, passion, and commitment. When the worst in you reigns, what might have been a manageable problem becomes a long-term disaster.

It’s dismaying to watch desire and passion die. But a bad time gets a little better if you know nothing is necessarily wrong with you or your relationship. Remember, low desire and sexual boredom are often signs you’re right on track.

The ebb and flow of desire in love relationships is natural, healthy, and purposeful. The same forces that have driven millions of years of evolution control your desire. These forces are now driving you to grow as a person and as a partner in your relationship. Handled properly, your desire, your overall relationship, and how you and your partner feel about yourself and each other, can markedly improve. Your Four
Points of Balance shape your
capacity
for desire, the
depth
of your desire, and the
resilience
of your desire. I’ll tell you more about this in the next chapter.

IDEAS TO PONDER

Your Four Points of Balance are (1) Solid Flexible Self, (2) Quiet Mind–Calm Heart, (3) Grounded Responding, and (4) Meaningful Endurance.