Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship (60 page)

O
NE OF THE
basic premises of this book is that normal healthy people in good relationships have sexual desire problems. Another is that emotionally committed relationships are people-growing machines. Everything in this book is designed to help you use your relationship to enhance your Four Points of Balance and resolve sexual desire problems.

However, you may want or need the help of a therapist to help you effectively harness the people-growing processes. The weaker your Four Points of Balance are, the more likely this will be the case. A good therapist can monitor important topics to keep you on track, help you observe your process, and assist in modulating and containing anxiety in your marriage to increase your differentiation. The less differentiated your relationship, the more differentiated the therapist needs to be. A therapist can’t bring you to a higher level of differentiation than he or she has achieved, because when anxiety and pressure in your marriage exceeds his or her differentiation, he or she gets “infected” and treatment effectiveness declines. Nothing in therapists’ training or licensing requirements ensures they are more differentiated, or know more about sex and intimacy, or have better marriages, than you. You may have to try several before you find one who can really help. Ask your friends for therapists they’d recommend, but ultimately, you’ll have to assess their differentiation for yourself.

Find someone you respect, but don’t pick someone you are totally comfortable with—that’s usually someone who you’re sure won’t confront you. Find someone with whom you feel
productively
uncomfortable. A “good match” is not the same as your therapist “understanding” and “accepting” you the way you want to be seen; it’s one in which you self-confront, self-soothe, and mobilize yourself to do what you need to do. On the other hand, therapists can be wrong—working with a therapist is not the same as turning yourself over to him or her. You’ll need to hold on to your self, even with your therapist.

He or she should have postgraduate training in conducting psychotherapy and be licensed to practice psychotherapy or counseling in your state. Not all therapists are trained in couples therapy, so find one who is. If you’re dealing with additional sexual dysfunctions (like problems with lubrication, erections, and orgasms), it’s best to find a therapist who has specific training in sexual problems, preferably a
certified
sex therapist (who has met basic standards of preparation).

The approach outlined in this book is based on differentiation. Couple therapists are generally more familiar with attachment-based therapy (focused first and foremost on “safety and security”) and teaching listening and communications skills. As the Crucible Approach has popularized differentiation-based therapy, some clinicians have tried to blend the two. This is usually not a good idea in theory or practice. It is my belief that a “first you have to get more attached before you can differentiate” strategy is neither accurate nor effective. In practice, interventions in differentiation-based therapy often go in the opposite direction from attachment-based treatment. Differentiation-based therapy generally operates at a higher level of intensity. And when things get difficult, anxious, or contentious, fears and insecurities run the show in attachment-based therapy, whereas differentiation-based therapy orients around people’s strengths. Crucible® Therapy focuses on the Four Points of Balance™.

For almost twenty years, the Marriage & Family Health Center (MFHC) has offered the Crucible® Intensive Therapy Program, consisting of four or more consecutive days of closely spaced sessions in half-day blocks. This special sequence of sessions allows people outside
Colorado to benefit from Crucible Therapy, especially those who cannot make progress in the traditional one-hour-a-week treatment format. Rapidly accelerated therapy allows some couples to work through issues they would otherwise bog down in. Topics and focus of an Intensive are determined by each couple’s unique needs. Couples fly in from across the United States and around the world.

MFHC also conducts programs for the general public. Passionate Marriage® Couples Enrichment Weekends (CEW) are weekend workshops held in major metropolitan cities, which address common but difficult problems in committed relationships. Passionate Marriage® Couples Retreats are nine-day programs held in retreat settings conducive to helping gridlocked couples get “unstuck.” This longer duration provides opportunities for couples to work through their issues during the program. For further information about the Crucible Intensive Therapy Program, Passionate Marriage Couples Enrichment Weekends, and Couples Retreats, visit
www.crucibletherapy.com

Additional audio, video, and printed materials are also available online. Visit
www.cruciblepublishing.com

For speaking engagements for your organization related to this book, go to
www.DesireBook.com

An online social community is now available to support your efforts. The Four Points of Balance Community is the first social community for couples and singles devoted to differentiation as a way of life. You can talk with other people who have faced similar problems with desire, intimacy, sex, affairs, parenting, or divorce. You can share your own experiences. New materials are released there periodically. Community members have several things in common: They want to be solid individuals, have fruitful relationships, live emotionally healthy lifestyles, and meet others who embrace this book’s message. Singles can meet other like-minded singles.

Visit
www.4pointsofbalance.com

Or contact:

Marriage & Family Health Center

2922 Evergreen Parkway, Suite 310

Evergreen, CO 80439

phone (303) 670-2630 fax (303) 674-9304

email:
[email protected]

web site:
www.crucibletherapy.com

T
HE GOAL HERE
is not to detail good technique, but rather to help you get over common sticking points if you’re not comfortable giving or receiving oral sex. Most people can get past any and all of these issues if they are motivated to do so.

Chapter 14
is written for monogamous couples. If you’re not in a monogamous relationship, or just starting into one, get yourselves tested for HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). It will help you relax during sex and build “eyes open” (rather than blind) trust. STDs are readily transmitted through the exchange of bodily fluids inherent in oral sex. If need be—or if you just don’t know—use condoms for fellatio and dental dams for cunnilingus. Granted, oral sex doesn’t feel as good with a latex barrier. But putting yourself or your partner at risk eliminates the possibility of having the kind of oral sex experience described here. Soap and water and general cleanliness help as well.

It’s hard to relax if you’re fending off tasting or being tasted in ways you don’t feel comfortable. This holds true whether you’re giving or receiving oral sex. You need to become more than comfortable and at ease with it. If you’re uncomfortable with oral sex, you need to do more than get over your hesitancies or squeamishness. You need to develop a sense of peace.

First you need to deal with any issues about smelling, tasting, or swallowing your partner’s sexual fluids or your own. Besides the fact that you’re not going to be an enthusiastic giver or receiver, you’ll drop your alliance with your partner while you’re having oral sex. You’ll be pulling back from the experience, preoccupied with your own discomfort, and trying not to gag or be nauseous. You won’t put much enthusiasm into pleasuring (or being pleasured by) your partner. But the real issue here isn’t lousy technique. It’s that you won’t be able to produce a profoundly positive somatosensory moment of meeting with heightened, positive neuroplasticity.

Additionally you won’t like anything you taste if you feel you’re being forced, and you won’t like being tasted if your partner feels forced. It’s hard to relax and enjoy receiving oral sex when your partner is obviously ill at ease. Don’t force your partner. Let him or her control going down on you. The giver’s head must be free to move. Don’t try to stick the penis down the giver’s throat. Make sure both people are in a comfortable position. Take a breather and relax. Talk to each other. If your partner knows you’re not avoiding or stopping, then both of you can relax. If you make it seem like a job, your partner will be turned off. If your jaw or tongue gets tired, shift to manual stimulation.

Do yourselves a favor: taste your partner’s and your own flavor—when you’re not having oral sex. When you’re having it, there’s no time to deal with any negative reactions or focus on really getting comfortable with it. So although it may seem a little odd at first, here’s a logical solution that works.

Before you have sex, deliberately taste each other. A healthy vagina has a natural mild musky smell, but people can have a negative reaction to it, just like with ejaculate. Each of you should stick your finger in the vagina and take a taste. Do the same with ejaculate after the man reaches orgasm (e.g., from manual stimulation or intercourse).

It’s hard to get comfortable with semen when it’s coming at you fast. It’s slightly salty or bitter with the texture of egg-whites, and sometimes has a slight chlorine bleach scent. Some people like the taste of it, many are neutral, and some don’t like having it in their mouths. Dealing with ejaculate is an issue for many couples, and is best dealt with directly. Both
partners’ reflected sense of self issues can complicate matters. Some men feel rejected when their partner won’t swallow their semen, and some partners feel demeaned if the man ejaculates in their mouth.

Talk openly in advance with your partner about how you plan do deal with his ejaculate so there are no surprises (unless it’s a good one). Address this before you start. If he thinks he’s going to be ejaculating in your mouth and you stop, it’s hard to keep a collaborative alliance. Ask your partner to tell you when he’s about to ejaculate so you can implement the plan. This way both of you can relax and stay together as he gets close to orgasm.

Here’s how to do fellatio (oral sex on a man) without triggering your gag reflex by having the penis too far down your throat. You don’t have to worry about gagging using this method, and your partner will still have the feeling of being fully contained. Place your hand around the base of the penis so the head sticks up like a lollipop. You can focus on sucking, and using your tongue; experiment with what the two of you like. Then, keeping your hand against your mouth, move your head up until the penis head stops in your hand. That is the height of your up-stroke. Your hand lets you control how much you take into your mouth on the down-stroke.

A man may want to ejaculate in his partner’s mouth because stopping and pulling out interrupts the emotional connection, not to mention his orgasm. If you don’t want the ejaculate actually in your mouth, one option is to use an unlubricated condom. Another is, by prior agreement, finishing him off with manual stimulation. If you’re comfortable having him ejaculate in your mouth but you don’t want to swallow, have a towel handy on the bed. Let it run out of your mouth and down his penis as you finish. If you like, have a glass of water nearby. A guy who needs his partner to swallow for him in order to “feel accepted” needs to deal with his reflected sense of self. And if your partner won’t kiss you after he ejaculates in your mouth, you have something to talk about.

If you’re new to giving a woman oral sex, brush back her pubic hair to either side of her labia so you don’t end up with a hair down your throat. Many women are insecure about the taste and smell of their vagina, so don’t act like you’re putting your tongue someplace dangerous. If she’s
bathed recently, you don’t have to worry about smelling or tasting something rank. Start slowly and gently. Don’t just grind away on her clitoris at first. Women do like clitoral stimulation, especially as they become more highly aroused, but some find it too intense or irritating at first. Start with her outer labia, licking or taking one side or the other into your mouth. Then spread her labia with your fingers and stimulate her inner lips, gradually working your way up to her clitoris. You can thrust your tongue in and our of her vagina, but do
not
blow into it like you’re trying to expand a balloon. As she becomes more aroused she will probably want increased speed and/or pressure from your tongue, but don’t “get ahead” of her and try to make her have an orgasm by speeding up or pressing harder.