Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship (70 page)

development, level of,
136
–138,
164
–165,
169
–170,
408
nn
116–118

Devil’s Pact,
221
–228

Diamond, Jared,
409
n
130

differentiation

and critical mass,
248
–249

and foreplay,
142
–143

and Four Points of Balance,
88
,
89
,
95
–99,
316
–317

holding on to yourself independently,
415
n
189

and intimacy,
111

intimacy, desire, and,
103
–104

and monogamy,
139
–140,
144
–148

overview,
85
–86,
88
–89,
100

personal differentiation,
86
,
87
,
93
–94

process of,
99
–100,
149

pseudo-differentiation,
143
–144

and sexual desire,
154
–156

species differentiation,
86
–87

differentiation theory,
400
n
29

divorce

adolescent’s parents’ divorce, remarry, divorce,
235
,
256

related to sexual desire problems,
11
,
152

starting therapy on edge of,
225
–227

dopamine,
24
,
153
,
398
nn
14–15,
399
nn
24–25

dynamic core,
401
n
34,
401
n
38.
See also
Solid Flexible Self

dysregulated brain,
328

E

ecological approach to love relationships,
35
–36

Edelman, Gerald,
401
nn
33–36,
401
n
38

elimination, process of,
82
–84,
107
,
163
–166

emotional abuse,
208
,
214
,
227

emotional balance,
89
,
90
–93,
147
–148.
See also
Four Points of Balance

emotional chess game,
77

emotional fusion

disguised as request for emotional support,
105

examples of,
71
–72,
118
–119,
131
–132

gridlock from,
93
–94,
135
–136

overview,
45
,
49
–50

togetherness pressure,
147
–148,
410
n
137

war within,
147
–148

emotional gridlock

from caring more about your partner than yourself,
166
–171

co-constructing,
82
–84,
107
–110,
112
,
113
–117,
120

cure for,
94
–100

from dodging two-choice dilemmas,
199

example of,
79
–81,
89
–90

and level of differentiation,
86
,
93
–94

methods for reaching,
114
–115

as normal and natural development,
82

other-validated intimacy as precursor to,
107
,
113
–115,
118
–119

overview,
81
–82,
100

resolving,
84
–85,
120
–127,
130

emotional regulation,
328
–329

emotions.
See
feelings and emotions

empathy,
56
–58,
401
n
36

“enough is enough” moment,
42
–44,
81
,
83
–84,
115
,
147
–148

epigenetics,
271
,
411
n
147,
412
n
162

eroticism,
165
–166,
167
–169,
353

estrogen,
24

evolution of man

choice as part of sexual desire,
187
–188,
409
n
130

and consciousness,
27
–30,
192
–197,
401
nn
34–36,
401
n
38,
402
n
39,
406
n
91

desire for sexual novelty and pair-bonding,
165
–166

hunting-gathering societies,
30
,
133
,
136
–137,
165

inconspicuous ovulation,
187
,
350
,
409
n
130

and sexual desire,
29
,
30
,
402
nn
44–46,
403
nn
48–54

species differentiation,
86
–87

and subjugation of women,
136
–138,
408
nn
116–118

wanting as differentiation from other species,
185

explicit memory,
283
–284

external enforcement of monogamy,
153

“eye of the hurricane” experiences,
252

eyes-open orgasm,
338
–339

eyes-open sex,
324
–325,
335
–339,
363
,
416
n
195,
416
nn
198–200

eyes-open touch,
305

F

false beliefs,
54
–55,
405
n
81.
See also
lying and deception

fantasizing,
6
,
346
–348

fears and insecurity

from abusive childhood,
234
–237,
269
–270,
271
–272,
301
–303

leading to gridlock,
82
–84

possessiveness and low desire from,
144
–148

feeling while touching,
286
–288,
303
–306,
337

feelings and emotions

anger, tolerating versus expressing,
331
–332

as aspects of sexual desire,
xv
,
8

biology of love,
23
–25,
87
–88,
398
nn
17–18

bringing meaning to sex,
19
–20,
70
,
182
,
264

fears and insecurities leading to gridlock,
82
–84

of HDP for intimacy and LDP for sex,
102
–104

individual’s belief in reliability of,
14
–15

infants ability to imitate,
406
n
86

“Is this really me?” feeling,
175

love of being in love,
26

NMS as attacks on,
211
–215
See also
emotional gridlock; Quiet Mind–Calm Heart

fellatio,
380
,
382

fidelity versus monogamy,
134

Fisher, Helen,
23
–29,
133
,
165
,
273
–274,
403
n
49,
409
n
124,
413
n
167

focal attention,
325
–326,
360

folk psychology.
See
mind-mapping

forebrain (prefrontal neocortex),
26
–27,
28
,
52

foreplay,
142
–143,
154

forgiveness,
239
–241

Four Points of Balance

for acceptance and forgiveness ability,
240
–241

collaborative alliance as next step,
263
–264,
271

and critical mass,
250
–251

and desire for new sexual partners,
155

differentiation and,
88
,
89
,
95
–99,
316
–317

in everyday life,
97

freeing yourself to stand on your own,
149

and growth cycle of marriage,
243
–244,
245
–246

and monogamy,
139
–140,
144
,
151
–156,
153
–155

and moving beyond your sexual limits,
164
–165

overview,
58
,
64
,
72
–74,
88
,
100
,
327
–333

for resolving gridlock,
85
,
258
–259

and revealing eroticism,
168
–169

and self-validated intimacy,
106
,
120
–121

and sex,
263
–264

and tender loving sex,
333
–334

for tolerating ambivalent feelings toward loved ones,
218

See also
Four Points of Balance concepts; Four Points of Balance practices; Grounded Responding; Meaningful Endurance; Quiet Mind–Calm Heart; Solid Flexible Self

Four Points of Balance Community (online),
378

Four Points of Balance concepts

autonomy.
See
autonomy

borrowed functioning.
See
borrowed functioning

collaborative alliances.
See
collaborative alliances

conflicts.
See
conflicts

differentiation.
See
differentiation

emotions.
See
emotional fusion; emotional gridlock

HDP.
See
high desire partner

human nature.
See
human nature

LDP.
See
low desire partner

moments of meeting.
See
moments of meeting

normal marital sadism.
See
sadism

reflected sense of self.
See
reflected sense of self

relationship ecology.
See
relationship ecology

sexual desire.
See
sexual desire; sexual desire problems; sexual desire problems as normal

wanting.
See
wanting

Four Points of Balance practices

feeling while touching,
286
–288,
303
–306,
337

fucking.
See
fucking

Grounded Responding.
See
Grounded Responding

heads on pillows,
285
–286,
324
–325,
337
,
413
n
176

hugging till relaxed,
278
–285,
413
nn
170–172,
413
n
176,
417
n
201