Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship (68 page)

211
The neurophysiology and neurochemistry of orgasm has also been documented. The same kind of dopamine pathway involved in romantic love is also activated during orgasm from women’s nucleus accumbens and men’s ventral tagmental area. Oxytocin is released at orgasm in both men and women, together with sympathetic autonomic activation (increased blood pressure, heart rate, and pupil diameter of the eye). Brain components involved in orgasm are the nucleus accumbens, cingulate cortex, insular cortex, amygdala, hippocampus, paraventricular nucleus (PVN) of the hypothalamus, basal ganglia, and cerebellum. After orgasm the amygdala is also deactivated. See
The Science of Orgasm
(Komisaruk, Beyer-Flores, & Whipple, 2006) for an excellent review.

212
Kohl & Francoeur (2002).

213
“Deep throat” is oral sex on a man in which the giver suppresses her (or his) gag reflex and takes the penis deep into the back of the throat.

214
Siegel, (2002) pp. 105–106.

NOTE:
An
‘n’
in the page number indicates a note;
‘nn’
indicates multiple notes. For example, 397
n
6 is page 397, note 6; 412
nn
164-165 is page 412, note 165 and note 166.

A

abuse

emotional,
208
,
214
,
227

physical abuse by HDP in control of sex,
397
n
6

physical effect on children’s brains,
303
,
412
nn
164–165

psychological effect on children,
234
–237,
269
–270,
271
–272,
301
–303

tickling as,
301
,
313

acceptance and forgiveness,
239
–241

accommodation

anxiety-regulation-through-accommodation,
171
–173

inability as proof of inadequacy in poorly balanced couples,
241

innovation versus,
167
–168,
169
–170

of sadistic parents,
217
See also
reflected sense of self

accurate self-confrontations,
202
–203

adequacy issues,
41
–43,
46
,
77
,
111
–112,
115
–117,
136
,
141
–142

adultery, monogamy, and human nature,
133
–138,
165
–166,
244
,
409
n
127

affairs,
134
–135,
143
–144,
150
,
155
,
352

agree to disagree versus gridlock,
81
–82

Allen, Woody,
352

altruistic punishment,
153
,
409
n
122

American Psychiatric Association,
212

Anatomy of Love
(Fisher),
23
,
403
n
49,
409
n
124

anger,
331
–332

anxiety

and autobiographical memory,
331

calming yourself in the face of partner’s,
280

in collaborative alliances,
268
,
270
–271,
274
,
275
–277

from dependence,
171
–173

and eyes-open sex,
336
–337

fears and insecurity from abusive childhood,
234
–237,
269
–270,
271
–272,
301
–303

in growth cycle of marriage,
241
–242,
243
–246

from having sex beyond your development,
164
–165,
169

integrity versus,
70

physical effects of,
265
–266

pressure, and critical mass,
247
–251

during sex,
358

sex without,
311
–313,
415
n
191

sexual boredom versus,
161
–162

therapeutic help with,
376

toleration for,
175
–176

wanting and,
188
–189,
193
–196

See also
anxiety-regulation-through-accommodation; control; emotional gridlock

anxiety arousal,
415
n
191

anxiety-driven attachment,
238
–239

anxiety-regulation-through-accommodation

in emotional gridlock,
83
–84,
118

and marriage,
238
,
255
–258

and normal marital sadism,
211
–212

overview,
171
–173

anxiety-tolerance,
175
–176

Art of Love, The
(Ovid),
63

asymptomatic partner,
397
n
5

attachment

anxiety-driven,
238
–239

and autonomy,
91
–93,
113

and intimacy,
128
–129

masochism as,
215

needs based on parent-child relationship,
85

romantic love or lust versus,
23
–25,
87
–88,
399
n
19,
399
nn
22–25

attachment-based therapy,
377

autobiographical memory

and heads on pillows,
326

and hugging till relaxed,
281
–282,
283
–285

and oral sex,
360

overview,
28
–29

for resolving trauma,
303
,
312
–313,
316
–317,
331

and sex/physical activity,
372
–374

autonomy

and attachment,
91
–93,
113

and connection,
34
,
46
–47,
90
–93,
399
nn
22–25

defiance versus,
143
–144

reflected sense of self versus,
113

and sexual desire,
201
–202

B

bad-faith agreement, or Devil’s Pact,
221
–228

balance.
See
Four Points of Balance

behaviors

acceptance and forgiveness versus uncontrolled conflict,
240
–241

controlling your,
203

and gridlock,
81
–82,
164
–165

imitation of,
406
n
86

bilateral hemispherical integration,
283
–285,
303
,
312
–313,
317
,
359

biological hungers view of desire,
xvi
,
22

biology

increasing control of,
118
,
407
n
102

of love,
23
–25,
87
–88,
398
nn
17–18

of mind-mapping,
52

of monogamy,
153

biology of the human brain

and abused children,
303
,
412
nn
164–165

and altruistic punishment,
153
,
409
n
122

brain cell differentiation,
86

drives of sexual desire and love,
23
–25,
397
n
10,
398
n
12,
398
n
15,
398
nn
17–18

and epigenetics,
271
,
411
n
147,
412
n
162

and eyes-open sex,
416
n
195,
416
n
198

and low desire,
19
–20

and mind-mapping,
57
–58,
406
n
89,
407
n
100

neurophysiology and neurochemistry of orgasm,
418
n
211

neuroplasticity,
264
–267,
373
–374,
411
n
142

neurotransmitters,
24
,
271
–272,
398
nn
14–15,
399
nn
24–25,
411
n
155,
412
n
163

and personal differentiation,
87
–88

prefrontal neocortex,
26
–27,
28
,
52

and self/other distinctions,
105
,
407
nn
99–100

and stress,
265
–266,
411
n
155,
412
nn
163–165

and ticklishness,
296
–297

and ticklishness cure,
316
–317

Birth of the Mind, The
(Marcus),
403
n
48

blackmail and ultimatums,
79
,
244
–245,
251
,
367

Bonobo monkeys,
133
,
350
,
417
n
207

borrowed functioning

dodging two-choice dilemmas,
199

examples of,
75
,
131
–132,
136

and reflected sense of self,
40
–46,
404
n59

subjugation of women as,
138

toll on the couple,
75

women choosing men with status,
138

Bowen, Murray,
400
n
29

brain.
See
human brain

Brietbart, William,
251

brightening
of face and demeanor,
329
–330,
373

Buber, Martin,
44

Buddhism,
327

C

cancer survivors,
251
–252,
411
n
139,
411
n
141

can’t live with ‘em or without ‘em syndrome,
89
–90

celibate couples,
144
–145,
214
,
227
,
293
–294,
410
n
132