Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship (65 page)

49
In
Anatomy of Love
, Fisher (1992) proposes jealousy had taken its current form by the time “Lucy” lived 3.5 million years ago. But jealousy is not simply that “I want what she has,” which is common to primates. It is also, “I want to have what she has so I can be happy like she is. I want to feel what she feels. She is happier than me. And if I have what she has I’ll be happy like her.” This involves symbolic thinking, the ability to apply an abstract concept in the concrete world, which probably emerged millions of years later. Burials, religious practices and belief in an afterlife, and humanitarian acts reflect some level of symbolic thinking, early manifestations of the human self. When your ancestors created symbols for thoughts, ideas, and concepts, and manipulated these symbols to express themselves, the human complex self emerged.

50
For a review of empirical data suggesting culture is a non-genetic “knowledge-carrying” inheritance system that influenced human genetic evolution, see Laland et al. (2000).

51
Anthropologist Timothy Taylor (1996) says contraception, homosexuality, transsexuality, and prostitution show how sexual choices made by your ancestors shaped human evolution, which is not reducible to genetic determinism.

52
A niche is an area in which an organism can survive.

53
In Europe, Dr. Jürg Willi is known as the father of ecological psychology. See Willi (1982).

54
Co-evolution is the evolution of two or more interdependent species or people, each adapting to changes in the other. It occurs, for example, between predators and prey and between insects and the flowers they pollinate. Co-evolution goes on between partners in a love relationship. Niche construction is a form of co-evolution.

55
Eisenberg (1995).

56
“Working on your relationship” is nothing more that niche construction. Some of us construct our niche by refusing to work on our relationship.

57
There is nothing wrong with wanting other people’s acceptance and validation. But problems arise when we are
dependent
on this. When this occurs, a host of other problems ensue, including feeling controlled by other people, even when they are not trying to do so. Our own overpowering needs for approval also make us easy targets for manipulation.

58
Buber (1958).

59
Common preoccupation with clothes, sexy bodies, and perpetual youth stems, in part, from our penchant for validating ourselves by eliciting desire in others (reflected sense of self). When people constantly focus on how they look, it is because they need someone to want them. Getting your sense of self from your body is inevitably self-defeating, given how humans age.

60
Scientists have studied mind-mapping for many years under the heading of “theory of mind” (ToM). The link between theory of mind, reflected sense of self, and differentiation, discussed here, is new.

61
See Abu-Akel (2003) for a review and synthesis of voluminous research on mind-mapping. The three brain structures of mind-mapping are
posterior regions
(temporal and parietal) (which include the inferior parietal lobe and superior temporal sulcus);
limbic–paralimbic regions
(which include the amygdala, orbitofrontal cortex, the ventral medial prefrontal cortex, and anterior cingulated girus), and
prefrontal regions
(which include the dorsal medial prefrontal cortex and infrolateral frontal cortex). Also see Frith & Frith (2001) and Baron-Cohen & Ring (1994).

62
We discussed this in the last chapter as primary consciousness: a basic “body self” derived from discriminating “me” from “not me.” Even a crocodile has primary consciousness.

63
Brothers (1997) and Flavell (1999).

64
Scientists discovered cells in the reptilian part of the human brain that do nothing but track another person’s mouth. Others track just their eyes, and they only track human eyes. From similar cells, reptiles track what other animals are eating, or wanting, or likely to do. Mind-mapping probably developed out of these primitive abilities. Social intelligence makes mind-mapping much more powerful. See Frith & Frith (1999) and Castelli et al. (2000).

65
My emphasis here is that rudimentary mind-mapping ability is hard-wired in your brain. It is relatively automatic, much of it occurs below conscious awareness, and does not primary rely on your prefrontal neocortex. See Bach et al. (2000).

66
Your anterior cingulate gyrus and insular cortex, respectively. A study looked at brain function when predicting other people’s behavior in order to distinguish between developing a theory of their mind vs. making inferences by
projecting your own mental states. The “theory” method produces activity in your anterior cingulated cortex and left temporopolar cortex. Projecting your own mental states involves your anterior cingulated cortex and your right temproprarietal juncture. See Vogeley et al. (2001).

67
Alexander (1974) and Humphrey (1976).

68
Matt Ridley writes: “We are obsessed with one another’s minds. Our intuitive commonsense psychology far surpasses any scientific psychology in scope and accuracy. … Horace Barlow points out that great literary minds are, almost by definition, great mind-reading minds. Shakespeare was a far better psychologist than Freud, and Jane Austen a far better sociologist than Durkheim. We are clever because we are—to the extent that we are—natural psychologists.” Ridley (1993), p. 333.

69
Byrne & Whitten (1988).

70
Cosimedes & Tooby (1991).

71
In
The Present Moment
, psychiatrist Daniel Stern proposes that the rudiments of mind-mapping are present from birth (Stern, 2004). Also see
The Interpersonal World of the Infant
(Stern, 1985) for further discussion of mind-mapping.

72
Butterworth (1991) and Baron-Cohen (1991).

73
Butterworth & Jarrett (1991).

74
Baldwin & Moses (1994).

75
Rogers & Pennington (1991).

76
Bartsch & Wellman (1995), Amsterdam (1972), and Leslie (1987).

77
Frith, Morton, & Leslie (1991).

78
Povinelli & Preuss (1995).

79
Wellman & Bartsch (1988) and Harris (1990).

80
Flavell, Green, & Flavell (1995) and Gopnick & Astington (1988).

81
False beliefs illustrate mind-mapping because you have to track the way someone’s mind diverges from the real world, demonstrating that you can track both. (It usually takes years of marriage to finally understand how many false beliefs exist in your own mind.)

82
Sodian (1991).

83
Baron-Cohen (1991).

84
Some say theory-based mind-mapping is largely learned by a child gradually developing a picture of how his parents’ minds work from his experiences with them, much as a scientist develops a theory. See Gopnik & Wellman (1992) and Gopnik & Meltzoff (1997). Others believe theory-based mind-mapping is largely innate. See Carruthers (1996). For two excellent reviews of “theory” aspects of mind-mapping, see Gordon (2004) and Ravenscroft (2004).

85
For an overview of “simulation” aspects of mind-mapping, see Ravenscroft (2004) and Stich & Nichols (1993).

86
Meltzoff and Gopnik propose that innate mechanisms allow infants to attribute emotional states to others from birth, by the infant automatically activating her own bodily emotional states by imitating adults’ facial expressions. They say imitation-generated affect states play a crucial role in developing mind-mapping ability. “Imitation of behavior provides the bridge that allows the internal mental state of another to ‘cross-over’ to and become one’s own experienced mental state.” Meltzoff and Gopnik (1993), p. 358.

When you see someone express an emotion, you feel the visceral part of your own corresponding emotion as when it originates in you. Recognition of facially-expressed emotion relies on your own gut reactions. If the part of your brain that reads your own visceral responses is damaged, your ability to recognize emotions in someone else’s face is impaired. See Adolphs et al. 2000.

87
Mirror neurons in your premotor cortex may be involved in understanding other people’s actions and experiences. However, only a narrow range of actions trigger mirror neurons. They seem to involve purposive behavior such as reaching for an apple, grasping it, bringing it to your mouth, and eating it. Purposive behavior reflects an intent, desire, or decision. See Iacoboni et al. (2005) and Rizzolatti & Craighero (2004).

88
The distinction between simulation and theory models gets muddier as knowledge of mind-mapping expands. For example, Gopnik and Meltzoff (1997) developed a learned theory model based on infants’ innate visceral responses from imitating parents’ faces. Ravenscroft (2003) says simulation models may simply “collapse” into an internal theory framework.

89
Some of these sensations come from the reptilian part of your brain (Allison, Puce, & McCarthy, 2000). The posterior part of the superior temporal sulcus, STS, is involved in tracking other people’s eye gaze and mouth movement. This may be functionally related to adjacent superior temporal regions, which track others’ hands and body movements. See Grèzes, Costes, & Decety (1999) and Puce et al. (1998). Moreover, the STS responds selectively to observing goal-directed actions like reaching, grasping, holding, and tearing, but not to movements lacking such intentions. See Perrett et al. (1989).

90
Brothers (1997) and Byrne & Whiten (1992).

91
Daniel Stern distinguishes three types of consciousness:
phenomenological
consciousness (perception-based awareness of things happening in the moment, which exist only in short-term memory),
introspective
consciousness (verbal-based awareness of things stored symbolically or visual images in your brain retrieved by introspection), and
intersubjective
consciousness (social-based co-created
experiences involving overlapping phenomenological consciousness with a partner). Stern (2004), pp. 129–132.

92
Ovid wrote
The Art of Love
in the year 8 A.D.

93
Oscar Wilde, see
www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/o/oscarwilde131549.html
.

94
My approach developed out of treating couples who had previously failed in marital therapy or sex therapy and thereafter refused to do traditional therapy activities. For another case example, see Schnarch (2001).

95
My book
Resurrecting Sex
is written entirely in terms of “holding on to yourself.” The term “differentiation” isn’t introduced until the final chapter. I did this so readers would learn about differentiation as a real-life process rather than as a concept. The Four Points of Balance™ program is designed to help you develop differentiation in daily practice.

96
Bierce (1911).

97
Many people with amputations, congenital deformities, and paralyses “stand on their own two feet” better than those with two good legs.

98
This review is detailed in hundred of references in
Constructing the Sexual Crucible
(Schnarch, 1991).

99
In your reptilian brain, the inferior parietal lobule (IPL) of your right posterior parietal system is involved in mapping your mind. Your superior temporal sulcus (STS) helps you map other people’s minds. See Abu-Akel (2003).

100
Mapping someone else’s mind involves medial frontal activation (anterior cingulated cortex and left superior temporal cortex). Mapping your own mind involves the right temproparietal junction and superior parietal lobe (in addition to the anterior cingulated cortex). Discriminations requiring both self and other frames of reference are resolved in the right prefrontal cortex. See Vogeley et al. (2001) and Iacaboni (2000).

101
It takes two people to create intimacy because the salience of the experience is determined in part by your partner’s importance to you. However, when two people are being intimate, only one partner may experience it. Self-validated intimacy is co-created, but not necessarily a shared experience. Confronting and disclosing yourself in front of your partner may be acutely intimate for you, but if you partner is not doing likewise (or dodging), he or she may not experience it as intimacy.

102
Birth control, artificial insemination, neonatal gender selection, and epigenetics are examples of how we increasingly control our biology.

103
Helen Fisher provides a nice summary of relevant research in
Anatomy of Love
(1992).

104
During the time babies and mothers are out of sync, the self-soothing and regulation comes from the infant (e.g., thumb sucking), not from the
mother. Moreover, infants in sync with their mother deliberately break contact several times a minute to soothe and regulate themselves. See Tronick (1989) and Gianino & Tronick (1988).

105
Fisher,
Anatomy of Love
, p. 141. Fisher suggests women weren’t monogamous since they were in fewer numbers. Other anthropologists argue it was the men who had multiple partners (e.g., Tannahill, 1980). The odds are neither sex was monogamous.

106
Murdock (1967).

107
Murdock (1949).

108
Fisher,
Anatomy of Love
, p. 64.

109
For statistics on men and women’s sexual behavior, see Kinsey, Pomeroy, & Martin (1948 and 1953).

110
Hunt (1974).

111
Tavris & Sadd (1977).

112
Wolfe (1981).

113
This is differentiation: balancing attachment and pair-bonding with autonomy and self-direction.

114
Whythe (1978).

115
The ancient Mesopotamian societies of Sumer, Babylon, and Assyria (about 1100 B.C.) formalized the subordination of women in the ancient world. Religions and laws prevented them from controlling reproduction. Social institutions further diminished women’s social power and reduced them to chattel and men’s possessions. See Hammack (2007) and Peterson (2002).