Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship (69 page)

children

biology of abused child’s brain,
303
,
412
nn
164–165

and masturbation in stressful home,
415
n
191

needs based on parent-child relationship,
85

parent-child relationship,
85
,
119
–120,
407
n
104

psychological effect of abuse,
234
–237,
269
–270,
271
–272,
301
–303

of weak, destructive parents,
367
–368

choosing your partner

allowing yourself to want,
188
–189,
193
–194

consciously and freely,
192
–197

importance of being chosen,
190

need versus want,
191
–192

overview,
186
–188

two-choice dilemmas,
197
–202,
207
,
213
–214

wanting prestige versus,
221
See also
wanting

clitoral stimulation,
383

closed system.
See
monogamy

co-construction in partnerships

confronting yourself about the results,
225
–228

of gridlock,
82
–84,
107
–110,
112
,
113
–117,
120

positive plastic events,
264
–267

sadistic relationship,
218

ticklishness,
300

co-evolution in partnerships

and crucible of marriage,
33
,
149
–151,
228
–229,
252
–258

Crucible® Therapy,
34
–37,
377
,
400
n
29

increasing sense of self,
31
–32,
84
–85,
403
n
54

mind, brain, body, and relationship as one whole,
32
–34

and process of elimination,
162
–166

resolving monogamy and adultery issues,
153
–156

co-parenting,
170

collaboration, LDP’s control over,
13
–15

collaborative alliances

benefits from,
327
–333

example of,
253
–254

feeling while touching method,
286
–288,
303
–306,
337

and Four Points of Balance,
316
–317

heads on pillows method,
285
–286,
324
–325,
337
,
413
n
176

holding on to yourself independently,
415
n
189

hugging till relaxed,
278
–285,
322
–323,
413
nn
170–172,
413
n
176,
417
n
201

long-term healing,
309
–313

mind-mapping in,
274

overview,
267
–268,
277
–278,
288
–289,
291

palm over groin for ticklishness,
307
–308,
314

for resolving ticklishness,
303
–308

utilizing the connection,
290
–291,
414
n
178

collusive alliances,
268
–269,
272

comfort/safety cycle of relationships,
241
–243,
244
,
245
–246

commitment to yourself,
151
–153

communal genitals,
144
–146,
409
n
120

communication

gridlock from,
81

“Why do we have to talk about it?” topics,
162
–163

with yourself,
149
–151

communication theory,
53

competition between spouses,
159
–160,
172
–173,
211

conflicts

acceptance following,
241

competition between spouses,
159
–160,
172
–173

and critical mass,
148
–149,
247
–251

“database” of every transgression,
240

defining LDP and HDP via,
9
–11

differentiation strategy for defusing,
89

and “enough is enough” moment,
42
–44,
81
,
83
–84,
115
,
147
–148

importance of,
31
–32,
34
–35

instability versus,
238

as internal conflict directed outward,
94

intimacy and potential for,
107

as natural growth process,
63
–64,
81
–82

over personal development and monogamy,
136
–138

seen as two sides of yourself,
93
See also
emotional gridlock

connection and autonomy,
34
,
46
–47,
90
–93

consciousness,
27
–30,
192
–197,
401
nn
34–36,
401
n
38,
402
n
39,
406
n
91

control

controlee’s “enough is enough” moment,
42
–44,
81
,
83
–84,
115
,
147
–148

one partner’s growth as threat to other partner,
201
,
246

self-control versus being in,
300
,
331
–332

taking away partner’s control,
148
–149
See also
low desire partner

control, being in

of anger,
331
–332

as a burden,
14
–16

cultural impacts,
31

as evolutionary result,
29
–29,
33
–34

HDP and LDP, of sexual desire,
110
–111,
115
–116,
246

process,
16
–17

receiver in control mindset,
304
,
306

self-direction as,
151
–152

as tickler,
299
–300

by withholding sex,
140
–142

of yourself,
59
–62,
91
,
200
,
201
,
203
–204,
218
–219

Coontz, Stephanie,
xvi
,
30
–31

Cosmopolitan
(magazine),
134

couples

brightening experience,
329
–330,
373

inevitability of sexual desire problems,
xvi
–xvii,
17
–19

LDP and HDP individuals as,
9
–11
See also
life experiences

couples’ life experiences

abusive tickling in childhood

resolving ticklishness,
293
–295,
297
,
298
–299,
301
–304,
307
–315

adultery resolved with monogamy system,
131
–133,
135
–136,
140
–144,
148
–156

belief in sexual desire as natural and
Just do it!
; recognition of LDP and HDP as natural,
4
–8,
11
–16

bored couple try opening up and fucking,
345
–348,
352
,
356
–358,
360
–372

continuous arguments resolved

utilizing Four Points of

Balance,
70
–72,
74
–81,
89
–90,
93
–100

Devil’s Pact leads to end of relationship,
209
–211,
212
,
214
,
215
–228,
229
–230

emotional fusion and gridlock resolved with tender loving sex,
320
–325,
328
–333,
335
,
339
–343

fallen out of love leads to rebuilding sexual desire,
21
–23,
37
–39

fear and insecurity from childhood balancing comfort, safety, and growth,
234
–237,
239
–241,
242
,
244
–245,
246
–247,
249
,
252
–259

leftovers problem sex beyond comfort zone,
157
–163,
164
,
166
–168,
169
–176,
173
–174

other-validated intimacy resolving with self-validated intimacy,
102
–104,
107
–110,
112
,
113
–117,
121
–127

overview,
xix
,
86

reflected sense of self and borrowed functioning; resolving with mind mapping,
40
–46,
47
–50,
60
–62

sexual abuse survivor and partner build a collaborative alliance,
269
–271,
272
–273,
282
–283,
285
–286,
287
–288,
289
–291

wanting partner and not wanting to want partner two-choice dilemmas and Quiet Mind–Calm Heart practice,
183
–184,
185
–186,
188
–198,
199
–206
See also
life experiences

critical mass,
247
–251

criticism, aspects of,
32

Crucible® Intensive Therapy Program,
377
–378

crucible of marriage,
149
–151,
228
–229,
232
–234,
252
–258

Crucible® Therapy,
34
–37,
377
,
400
n
29

culture,
31

cunnilingus,
380
,
382
–383

D

Damasio, Antonio,
401
n
37

dark side.
See
sadism

Darwin, Charles,
300

Dateline
(NBC TV),
xvii

deception.
See
lying and deception

deep throat,
360
,
418
n
213

defiance versus autonomy,
143
–144

denial from inability to listen to yourself,
149
–151

dependence

ambivalence about marriage from,
243

anxiety from,
171
–173

as need versus want,
404
n
57

solid sense of self versus,
42
–44,
46

vulnerability from,
404
n
57

deprivation as part of wanting,
184
–185

desire, consciously chosen and freely undertaken,
192
–197,
207
.
See also entries beginning with
“sexual desire”