Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship (71 page)

integrity.
See
integrity

intimacy.
See
intimacy; self-validated intimacy

marriage.
See
marriage

Meaningful Endurance.
See
Meaningful Endurance

mind-mapping.
See
mind-mapping

oral sex.
See
oral sex

personal growth.
See
personal growth; self-confrontation

Quiet Mind–Calm Heart.
See
Quiet Mind–Calm Heart

Solid Flexible Self.
See
Solid Flexible Self

ticklishness.
See
ticklishness

Four Points of Balance weakness-related problems,
167

anxiety-driven attachment,
239

anxiety-regulation-through-accommodation,
171
–173

and communal genitals,
145
–146,
409
n
120

and crucible of marriage,
228
–229

emotional gridlock,
83
–84,
113
–115

inability to innovate,
167
–171

infatuation as maximum involvement,
87

insecurity leading to possessiveness and low desire,
144
–148

intense critical mass,
248
–249

lacking balance,
74
–80

normal marital sadism,
213
,
219

subjugation and tyranny,
91
–92

ticklishness,
298
–299

in two-choice dilemmas,
198
–199

fuck buddies,
417
n
208

fucking

avoidance of,
364
–367

couples’ reluctance,
351
–355

as fantasy,
346
–348

importance of,
344
–345

making love versus,
348
–350

and oral sex,
360
–363

overview,
375

statistics on marriage and family therapists,
418
n
209
See also
intercourse

fusion.
See
emotional fusion

G

General Theory of Love, A
(Lewis, Amini, and Lannon),
398
n
13

generosity with sex,
153
–156

genetic programming for reproduction view of desire,
xvi

genetics

of depression and suicidal thoughts,
271

epigenetics,
271
,
411
n
147,
412
n
162

life experiences versus,
271
–272

and ticklishness,
293

Gibran, Kahlil,
xx

giving oral sex,
369
–370

Gopnik, A.,
406
n
86,
406
n
88

gorilla sexual habits,
402
n
44,
408
n
119

gridlock.
See
emotional gridlock

Grounded Responding

and eyes-open sex,
335
–336

integrity aspect of,
233
–234

and mind-mapping,
73

as one aspect of differentiation,
88
–89

overreacting versus,
43
–44,
60
,
76
–77,
79
–80,
93

overview,
72
,
73
,
79

permeation of couple’s lives,
74

reflexive anxiety regulation versus,
172

for self-validated intimacy,
106

in tender loving sex,
333
–334

utilizing principle of,
95
–98,
96
–98,
147
–148,
228
,
312
–313

See also
Four Points of Balance; Four Points of Balance weakness-related problems

growth.
See
co-evolution in partnerships; personal growth

growth cycle of relationships,
242
,
243
–244,
245
–246

H

Hartsoeker, Nicolas,
408
n
116

HDP.
See
high desire partner

heads on pillows,
285
–286,
324
–325,
337
,
413
n
176

high desire partner (HDP)

control of self-validated intimacy,
111
,
246

in control of sex,
397
n
6

cycle of sexual desire problems,
47
–49

LDP compared to,
4
,
5
,
9
–11

lost sense of adequacy,
41
–43,
46

sadism of,
219

turning elsewhere for sex,
141
–142

high
er
desire partner,
9

higher-order consciousness,
28
,
192
–197,
401
nn
34–36,
402
n
39

Hinduism,
417
n
203

History of Sex, The
(Tannahill),
137

holding on to yourself independently,
415
n
189

hope,
206
,
411
n
141

hormones and neurotransmitters,
399
nn
24–25

horniness (blue balls) view of desire,
xvi
,
24

hugging till relaxed,
278
–285,
413
nn
170–172,
413
n
176,
417
n
201

human body

brain mapping state of,
401
n
37

co-evolution in partnerships,
32
–34

as result of choices,
187

sexual desire stemming from,
264

human brain

ability to bring meaning to sex,
70
,
182
,
264

capacity for sense of self,
26
–27

co-evolution in partnerships,
32
–34

distinctions between “self” and “other,”
105

dysregulation,
328

and interpersonal somatosensory experiences,
327
,
383

mapping state of the body,
401
n
37

and mind-mapping,
52
,
56
–57,
404
n
61,
404
nn
64–66

resilience of,
117
–118

rewiring,
126
–127,
129

right brain–left brain integration,
283
–285,
303
,
312
–313,
317
,
359

sharing attention,
52

three sub-brains of,
400
n
29

understanding actions of others,
406
nn
86–88
See also
biology of the human brain; reptilian brain

human evolution.
See
evolution of man

human nature

drive for attachment versus romantic love,
23
–25,
87
–88,
399
n
19,
399
nn
22–25

drive for autonomy and connection,
34
,
46
–47,
90
–93,
399
nn
22–25

inability to continually compromise,
83

marital sadism,
211
–215,
225
,
229
–230,
251
,
354

monogamy, adultery, and,
133
–138,
409
n
127

overview,
19
–20

refusal to submit to tyranny,
6
–8,
59
,
90
,
91
–93,
138

reluctance to grow,
176

See also
lying and deception; personal growth; sexual desire problems

hunting-gathering societies,
30
,
133
,
136
–137,
165

I

individual ecology,
36

infants’ mind-mapping ability,
53
,
405
n
71,
406
n
86

innovation versus perpetual accommodation,
167
–168,
169
–170

instability versus conflicts,
238

integrity

anxiety versus,
70

as backbone of marriage,
233
–234

collaborative alliance test,
277

and collaborative alliances,
289
–290,
414
n
178

and critical mass,
249

and “enough is enough” moment,
42
–44,
81
,
83
–84,
115
,
147
–148

as first step on road to healing,
150
–151

in front of people you love,
371
–372

and selfhood,
26

struggling with “Is this really me?” feeling,
175

for tender loving sex,
334
See also
Solid Flexible Self

intention cues,
349

interaction patterns,
35
–36,
87

intercourse

feeling while touching versus,
286
–289

heads on pillows versus,
285
–286,
288
–289

hugging till relaxed versus,
278
–285,
288
–289
See also
fucking

internally-imposed monogamy,
153
–155

interpersonal neurobiology,
xviii
,
373
–374

interpersonal somatosensory experiences,
327
,
383

intersubjective consciousness,
406
n
91

intersubjective states,
59
–60,
109
–110.
See also
moments of meeting

intimacy

adding novelty to sexual relations,
165
–166,
168
–170,
174
,
176
,
177

and adequacy,
111
–112

for growth,
107
–108

as interpersonal process,
105
–106

mixing self-validated and other-validated,
129

and monogamy,
155
–156

overview,
101
,
130
,
407
n
101