Irreparable (Wounded Souls) (5 page)

Slamming my phone down, I take a shaky breath. I should have known this was how it would go. Mary Beth never could handle stress and I mean, why should now be any different?  I’m half the man I once was, literally.  Looking down at my legs, or lack thereof, I finally break down for the first time in 250 days.  I finally grieve for the loss of my legs, for the loss of the man I once was and the man I fear I will never be again.  My counselor has been trying to get me to do this for months, and it takes me being broken up with to realize I have truly lost everything I worked so hard for. My legs and fiancé both literally walked out of my life. But can I really blame Mary-Beth? I’m handicapped; I’m crippled; and I am half of what I once was, not just in my body but in my mind.  I am damaged.  The question that remains is, is the damage irreparable?

Sitting it my bedroom, I stare at the phone as it keeps buzzing. I know he is just checking on me and I’m sure he has the right to, especially with what I am contemplating doing.  Buzz, Buzz, Buzz. New call from Johnson. I know he wants to talk about my saving him, and that’s exactly why I’m not answering. It wasn’t some heroic thing. If I’m being honest, I wish I had been the one that died that day. 

Slamming another shot of whiskey down my throat, I look at the gun lying on the bed.  How many people would really miss me when I am gone?  Surely not Mary-Beth since she left.  How about Sam?  Sam, with her beautiful blue-grey eyes and that long blonde hair.  Sam, who has helped me every day for the past five months learn to walk again, trying to help me to become the man I once was. 

Even if I am not that man, I will still only be half him.  I am irreparable, and I think maybe the only way to fix it, is to end it.  Buzz Buzz Buzz. Ugh, if he doesn’t stop calling me! Putting the gun back in the night stand and leaving the phone sitting on the top of it, I walk out of the room and out the door. I climb into my Mustang thinking at least then I can get some peace.

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Walking around the city for the day is exactly what I needed. Seeing all these people holding hands and kissing and all the love is just freaking great.  I walk into the bar I used to frequent. Who would have known losing your legs would change everything?  I knew it would change my life the day I woke up in that room in Afghanistan, but the thing I thought would change, would be the loss of my brothers, my comrades, my confidants.  I did not expect the sheer terror from surviving the attack. Nor did I expect to wake up in the middle of the night with pains from body parts that no longer existed. And I sure as hell didn’t expect the woman I thought would bear my children would choose to walk out my door.

How do you continue to live after that? Well, I suppose you are supposed to put one metal foot in front of the other and smile so that people don’t know that what happened to you really messed you up.  I have so many people coming and thanking me, telling me that I’m a hero, but am I really? Four of my brothers died at my hands. Even if I didn’t pull the detonator, I should have known that something was fishy. And fucking Johnson! He just doesn’t get when to quit!  He doesn’t get that I can’t talk to him. I know he feels like he owes me, but he doesn’t owe me a damn thing. Hell, if anything I am thankful I saved him. I at least saved one of my brothers.  I know he is going through just as much as I am and I am trying to be there, but I just cannot bring myself to do it.  I know he needs me and that we need each other, only we know what the other has been through, but I can’t. Maybe one day, well maybe one day I can be there for him. For now, I have to keep my distance because I am looney enough for the both of us. 

“Jameson!”  I turn to the right as I hear my name. I see someone coming from the side entrance of the bars so I motion for the bartender to bring me another beer. It’s Samantha. 

“Hey, Sam,” I say and then take a swig of my beer. 

“Want a drink?”  I ask and turn to face her, my hand pulling on the label of my Bud Light. 

“I just came to see how you were doing. I ran into Mary-Beth and she told me what she did.”  She looks away and asks the bartender for a water and then looks back at me. “If it helps, I think she’s a total bitch for that.” She smirks and I swear with that one glance from Sam I know things are going to be okay.  I have friends and Samantha has been one of them for years. Even when I was an ass to her, she was still there.

“Sam, what’s wrong with you?” I ask and she gasps. I grab her arm. “Wait! I didn’t mean it like that,” I groan and run my hand over my face.

“Well Jameson, I don’t know how you expect me to take a statement like that. I come in here trying to check on you. I guess I should have just sent Luke to see your sorry ass,” she huffs and I look at her. Sam always has been cute when she’s angry, but there is something different about her. She has definitely changed. If the sleeve of tattoos down her arm isn’t proof of that, then her attitude sure is. I wonder what happened to Samantha to change everything for her? I wonder if she will ever tell me the whole story. At one point during our lives, we confided in each other for everything.  Not so much anymore.

“Sam, I meant why are you always trying to fix everyone else? You’ve always been that way, always running to help others. Why aren’t you with someone? Why don’t you let yourself be happy? Fix yourself?” I ask and she just stands and leaves. Well fuck me. There I go pissing Sam off again. What else is new?

“You really are an idiot, you know that Carter?” I hear come from the door and I groan. The one person I didn’t want to see and he’s standing right here he in my peripheral.

“I thought I was doing a pretty damn good job of hiding from you Johnson,” I mutter and down my beer. 

“Well, your mom gave you up. T I overheard everything with you and that girl.” He sits down and asks Bart for a beer, and then looks at me. “Dude, quit feeling so sorry for yourself. The guys wouldn’t want that for either of us. You need to let it go.” Johnson looks at me with haunted eyes, and it scares me. I see those eyes every day when I look in the mirror.

“Let it go? Really, Johnson? I had my legs blown off.  You could have been easily gone with the rest of them and I cannot stand to think of it,” I say as I stand. I turn to walk out of the bar, throw a twenty down for my beers before storming out.

“You know, you can barely tell you’re not walking on your own two feet Carter. You barely have a limp. Sam was her name? She must be some trainer,” he says and I growl and turn to face him. 

“Why are you here Blake?” I ask trying not to make a scene in front of the town. I just wanted an ice cold beer and some peace and quiet.  I can’t seem to get a damn thing I want anymore.

“Because, I needed to see my friend. If I can still call you that. You’re all I have left Jameson. Don’t you get that?” He runs his hand through his red hair and I just look at him. “Do you know how many times I wish I had blown up in that fucking blast?  Why couldn’t it have been Jackson that was saved? He was going somewhere in life and he had a kid at home. I don’t have anything for me here, not a damn thing. I lived and not Jackson.” He breaks down and this is the exact reason why I have been avoiding him, because I cannot deal with the pain myself. 

“Come on Blake. Don’t think like that man. Jackson wouldn’t want that for you. I don’t want that for you.  You’re here because you still have things to do, and it’s going to happen for you.  I mean for crying out loud, Mary Beth just left me one hell of a letter.  She couldn’t even tell me to my face that she was leaving me dude.” I walk to my car and I know it’s happening. For the second time in ten months, the tears are coming again, and I can’t stop them. They are coming and everyone is going to see just how much of a pussy I am. 

The one thing I didn’t want to happen is happening, and who’s there with me? My brother, my comrade, and for the first time I actually feel a calm like peace come over me as we both cry it out in the front seats of my Mustang. Today is about healing, and I am going to heal, even if it takes time. Whether he knows it or not, Johnson has paid his debt. He just saved my life.

Two months have gone by since the day Mary Beth walked out my life. Two months since I stared down the barrel of my 45. Damn, I need to stop listening to Shine Down. I have started seeing a therapist to help me with the depression I have had, and I stopped seeing Sam. She never did forgive me for being an ass at the bar that day and Luke says she’s going through her own things right now. Funny thing is, I really miss Sam lately. She was the sunshine of my days, and she helped me heal some. I never realized it was Sam and not Mary Beth that did that for me, but being alone, my mind didn’t wander to Mary Beth like I expected it to. It was all Sam.  She came in and invaded my thoughts, stole them from me, and turned them into thoughts of her. 

I often find myself thinking of how her breasts would feel in my hands, and her tongue on my mouth or my cock, and then I have to take matters into my own hand. I’m still trying to get used to not being able to stand in the shower anymore. Man, that shit really sucks. I see Blake every other week. He takes a trip to see me, and we are even talking about going to the graveyard to see the boys.  I rub the pennies in my pocket and smile.  My gramps told me that story when I was younger when we went to visit his fallen comrades. He placed coins on their graves, and they mesmerized me. So when I go to see my brothers’ final resting places, I am going to leave my coins for them. 

My therapist thinks I should go see Jackson’s parents. They live about four hours from my house and I am thinking about it, but I can’t even go to my own parents’ house.  That woman that birthed me can be quite a handful. I love her, but God she’s smothering me. 
Knock Knock
. Speak of the devil. I get off the couch and walk to the door, and stand aside as my mother waltzes in.  Her brown hair is fixed perfectly and her clothing is impeccable.  You never expect to see Jennifer Carter without her face on and clothes ironed. My mother irons her freaking underwear for crying out loud.

“Hey, momma.” I smile and kiss her on the cheek. 

“Jameson, son really you need to get up and get a job. This sitting around on this couch all day moping isn’t getting you anywhere.” Oh Lord! Here we go. I wonder how long it will be before she realizes I am not even listening to a word she says.  “JAMESON!” Made it two minutes.

“Ma’am?” I say and sit on the couch again.  She looks at the messy room and looks at the clothes and moves a shirt to sit in the chair.

“You didn’t listen to a thing I said,” she huffs and rolls her eyes. 

“Momma, I heard you. You said Uncle Scott wants me to come work for him, and I keep telling you I don’t want to work for Uncle Scott.”  I roll my eyes and she looks sad. 

“Jameson…” I stop her holding my hand up, knowing where this is going.

“Not now. I am not trying to disappoint you or dishonor dad, but momma you have got to back off me. You haven’t seen the things I have.   If you had, you would understand why I am so fucked up,” I say and then hear her gasp.

“JAMESON NATHAN! Do you pray with that mouth?” I bust out laughing and then I look at mom crazily as she walks into my kitchen.

“What are you doing momma?” I laugh when she huffs.

“What do you clean your dishes with Jameson?” She puts her hands on her hips.

“Nothing, I don’t cook.” I shrug my shoulders and she walks into the bathroom and comes back with my soap. 

“You need to wash that filthy mouth out with soap and repent for that son.” I can’t help but laugh. Is this woman serious? I’m twenty-three years old for crying out loud.

“Come on now Mom. I’m a grown man and this is my house. I’ve been put through enough in my life. I don’t need you judging me,” I say and with that she’s got her feathers ruffled. 

“I’ll tell you about judging boy. Your butt better be in church on Sunday. God saved you for a reason. Figure out what it is.  You lost your legs, but you can walk now.  Thank God for something and get your act together,” she huffs and grabs her purse and walks out the door. Well I’d say that went well.

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“Dude, let’s go get a beer or something.” Luke hits my arm and I groan. 

“If you punch me one more time in my arm, I will kill you,” I growl out and he laughs. God he looks like Sam when he does that. Sam. I wonder if I should bring it up. Ah hell, here goes nothing. 

“Luke, how’s Sam?” I say and then look down.

“She’s fine.” He pauses and looks at me.  “Dude, you have the hots for my sister, don’t cha?” He smiles and starts to laugh.

“No, I just… fuck it, yeah I do,” I smirk.

“Look man, it’s not my story to tell, but Sam isn’t ready for a relationship. We all have our own demons, and just like you, Sam’s dealing with some.” He stands up and I can tell he’s done with Sam.  I stand up and walk to the door.

“Beers?” I ask and he nods.

Walking into the bar wearing a pair of jeans and a red button up shirt, I slide into the seat closest to the door.  “Dude, you just made it,” Brant says as the rain starts pouring from the sky.