It's a Guy Thing (10 page)

It is impossible for you to value the feminine as long as you assume it is incompetent. And it is also impossible for your man to be fully attracted to you as a woman. Your man will not be able to relax in his support of you as long you feel that what you have to offer is not worthwhile.

Men and women in our culture are raised with this false judgment of feminine energy. Analytical ability, financial “swordsmanship” and entrepreneurship; these are considered forms of competency. This domain of competition and mentality is not the natural domain of the feminine. It is the natural domain of the masculine, and we are in a masculine-oriented culture.

As you begin to relax into your feminine energy, you may hear an inner voice: “Don’t relax too much. You will become incompetent.” This voice is society’s voice ingrained into you as an individual. All the work we are doing to re-incorporate the feminine balance in our society at the political, economic and cultural level is good, but it won’t change much unless we also change at the individual level and revalue our feminine power of life and love.

Why Do I Feel Silly Around My Lover?

When a woman is in a polarized relationship with a man, his masculine energy may polarize her more fully into her extreme feminine. One of the qualities of the extreme feminine
is mindlessness, in a positive sense. Whenever you are totally involved in your body, in love, in your senses, or in another person’s energy, you are mindless. For instance, if you are giving or receiving a great massage, or making love passionately, you are totally connected with someone, and you are basically mindless; you are connected through means other than the mind. If you are not used to this state of open flow and feeling you may feel “silly.”

The feminine in each of us is, in essence, mindless, though not stupid or silly at all. It is supremely intelligent with the wisdom of the body, a subtle connection with the flow of energy and deep intuition. The more men and women allow themselves to be in their feminine, the more they experience intuitive empathy rather than analytic mind chatter.

Of course, people have resistance to this. Our culture is so masculine-oriented that we think we are stupid or silly if we don’t have thoughts, opinions and ideas running through our mind. Whereas, in fact, a quiet mind is rather free and able to be alert and present.

In our feminine energy, we resonate fully with others. And this is very valuable. Some people struggle all their lives just to free themselves of enough personal subjectivity so they can be fully present with their partner instead of stuck in their heads.

There is a time to be thinking and a time to be feeling. Before we can fully trust our own feminine energy, we must understand that thoughtless feeling is not inferior to analytical thinking. The feminine is not “silly,” though it may be mindlessly ecstatic or intuitively connected, without a single thought to interfere.

How Can Men Strengthen Their Masculine and Women Strengthen Their Feminine?

In our modern society, we lack a coherent masculine culture wherein men get together with other men and keep each other aligned to truth: “Hey friend, wake up.” Men need this, otherwise they become weak and ambiguous: “I don’t know what I’m going to do. Maybe I’ll have a beer.” Without a strong men’s culture, men become unclear, indecisive and ambiguous about the direction of their lives.

Shared masculine energy offers men challenge, an edge of responsibility and discipline. Without this energy they tend to flounder and lose their sense of inner truth. As a woman, you cannot take the responsibility to rebuild and refocus your man’s masculine energy. He does that on his own and with other men.

Likewise, our society lacks a strong women’s culture. One of the best ways for a woman to nurture and strengthen herself is in the company of other women. A group of women shares something that just doesn’t happen when a man is present. Women can relax together, let their hair down, nurture one another, dance together, soften their masculine edge and breathe freely. The feminine is nourished in the company of other women.

For a sexually polarized relationship to remain fresh and alive, it is necessary for the man to spend substantial time with other men, and for the woman to spend substantial time with other women. This way, their masculine and feminine essences remain strong, clear and full, able to polarize one another in the play of sexual and emotional intimacy.

6
Understanding the Drama of Woman and Man

Will We Ever Stop Hurting Each Other?

The ongoing play between man and woman looks like this: At times, the man leaves, and the woman’s love and radiance attracts him back into the relationship. At other times, the woman gets lost in moods of longing and emotions, of hurt and rejection, and the man draws her out into the relationship with humor, perspective and happiness. These are only two aspects of the essential emotional drama between men and women.

You may sometimes get lost in moods of hurt, longing and doubt. If he is a good man, your partner will gift you with loving humor and perspective. He will communicate, “I love you,” opening you into heartful connection and relaxed, intimate communion. That’s one of his masculine gifts to you.

At other times, he will get distracted, pulling out of life and the relationship. If you are a good woman, you will invite him back with your love and radiance, attracting him into the relationship, giving him life and energy. That’s one of your feminine gifts to him.

In archetypal gifting, the feminine invites the masculine into love, dances in love for him, feeds him with love and gifts him with her personal energy. The masculine gifts the feminine with strong and gentle loving that goes right through you, penetrating deep into your heart, opening you into happiness, humor and love.

This mutual gifting is a central feature of a mature intimacy. Rather than turning away, man and woman learn to give love, even when they feel hurt by each other’s actions.

What Happened to the Juice?

One reason intimate relationships become less passionate over time is that they become more and more practical and business- or family-oriented. The man and woman become less and less relaxed in their masculine and feminine poles. Therefore, sexual polarity decreases. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Men cannot resist true feminine radiance. Most women know that if they really shine their feminine energy, they could have men wrapped around their little fingers. By being very feminine, virtually every man who comes into their personal sphere will be attracted to them.

The opposite is also true. If a man is really present, really charismatic in a positive sense, full of masculine force and confident passion, he is very attractive to most women. If the other men in the room are kind of wishy-washy and wimpy, then a man who is full of masculine charisma is going to stand out.

In social situations, men and women need to be responsible for their masculine and feminine energy. That is, in certain social situations you may not want to animate energies that will polarize and tease all the men (or women) in the room.

But intimate relationships are different. To achieve deep emotional and sexual intimacy, women and men must incarnate deep feminine and deep masculine energy in the play of their relationship together. If you are not doing this, your relationship may become more businesslike and practical. In other words—depolarized. It loses the passionate dynamic. The “juice” dries up.

To repolarize, try this: Be the goddess your man would love to spend his evening with. Realize that, as a man, he
tends to move out of relationship. He’s always moving toward the realm of abstraction, of newspapers, TV and his own mind. It’s your gift to be the goddess, to be the feminine dancer of love that awakens his heart and draws him into the dance of life with you.

You may have to move through personal resistance to love so fully. He may need to move through his own resistance to incarnate and commit to the masculine form of love. Such depth of love is not accomplished once and for all in an instant. But each of you can consciously practice in that direction, supporting each other as you grow in your ability to give love. Over time, you grow to fully embody the gifts of masculine and feminine loving.

You frequently discover that, in fact, you actually want to be the person your partner wants you to be. Not for him, but for yourself. The person he wants you to be is often the person that
you
want you to be. By learning to gift your partner with love, you are actually learning to give your highest gift to yourself as well. We are born here to learn to love—not for our partner’s sake, but for the sake of love itself. Loving is its own reward.

What Does He Really Want from Me?

The reason a man chooses to be with a
woman
as an intimate partner—rather than with another man, a cat, or nobody—is because he wants to be intimate with the feminine force of the universe. He’s choosing to open himself in intimacy with someone who can give him
feminine
love and energy; that’s why he’s chosen a
woman
for an intimate partner.

If you remember that your man has chosen you as a
woman
because he wants feminine energy, then you will always know the key to waking him up and attracting him into relationship.

If he’s reading the newspaper it’s probably because the newspaper is the most attractive thing for him in that moment. Since men are modal, they can shift themselves into the realm of news rather quickly. It’s euphoric in a sense, because everything else disappears. His burdens are temporarily relieved.

The special energy you can uniquely offer him in that moment is feminine love. However, if you are angry or hurt, you may want to rip up the newspaper and say “Goddamnit, you’re always reading the stupid newspaper!” Rather than that, you could try leaning over and kissing him. Maybe stand behind him and massage his shoulders a little bit. It’s going to take a really rigid man to sit there looking at the newspaper and not put it down while you are massaging his shoulders—and some men are that rigid.