Jay Walking (10 page)

"I don't know where our relationship is headed, but I feel like we connect. I want this to go somewhere. Despite that, I don't think it's enough. I can't deal with the drama involved with co-parenting a child. My career is stressful enough, and this can cause plenty of problems. My brother deals with so many family issues in his job, and things can get so messy."

He's breaking up with me before things even get off the ground. I told Amber this would happen, and here we are. I understand what he's saying. The very thing he's afraid of is what is happening to me right now. Daniel is threatening me for custody of James. He won't succeed - visitation is what he'll achieve, at best - but all our drop-off and pick-up encounters will be uncomfortable and I'm sure our parenting styles will differ. This is all
if
Daniel even moves forward with everything. I'm doubtful.

"Jay, trust me, Daniel isn't involved. At all. I haven't seen him since I got pregnant and don't intend on seeing him now." I don't anticipate another meeting with Daniel, and I'm calling his bluff, so I don't think I need to bring up the library with Jay. "He barely remembers James' name. It's me, James, and my parents. That's all. No drama. I promise."

We're staring at each other now, and he's mulling this over. "Is that him?" He points to the window.

James is standing on a chair in my mom's living room waving. I wave back and smile, wondering how I will explain Jay to him. If he even agrees to try and make things work, I'm not introducing him to my son until a future together is guaranteed.

"Yes." I sigh, torn between running in the house to give James the biggest kiss ever and trying to salvage what could be a great relationship.

Jay takes a few steps to the left, then circles around and comes back. He's sticking around. There's a chance. There has to be. "I don't know, Chelsea. This can get so messy."

"Is there an instruction manual stating it
has
to be filled with drama? Daniel was a mistake, but James, well, he's far from it. I want to be with you. I'm not asking you to be a father to my child. I don't even want you to meet him yet! I want you to know who I am and that I
am
a mom, and things are busy for me, too." I approach him and put my hands on his chest. "When we're together, it'll be me and you. Please. Let's give us a chance."

Jay covers my hands with his, and his heart is thumping into my palms. He curves his fingers around and squeezes my hand. "I have to try because I don't think I can stay away from you." He moves into my space and gently touches my lips, my knees getting weak. We reluctantly let go. "I'll see you soon," he says before turning and starting to jog away. He glances behind him as he rounds the corner and offers a wave.
 

Whew. Amber was right. My world didn't crumble from telling the truth. But close.

After keeping my relationship with Jay from crashing down, I want nothing short of a spectacular day at work. Thursday sucks so far. Amber and I don't even get to eat lunch together because she's swamped with a project, and my phone won't stop ringing. I deal with a lot of upset people daily, but the ones I spoke with today sure top the cake. I can't even catch a minute to tell Amber about what happened with Jay, much less even think about him.
 

The end of the workday finally arrives and I can't wait to get to my car and get home. Jay and I plan on walking every night he doesn't work for about thirty minutes, and my mom is watching James an extra half hour so we can do so. Since I'm exercising daily, I now drive to work again.

"He kissed me," I blurt out as soon as we exit the building, unable to contain the secret anymore. The entire day I wanted to shout it on top of my lungs and now I can finally giggle about it.

"Doctor guy? He kissed you? When?" She grabs a hold of my arm.

I pull her along with me. "Yesterday. He's so sweet. I was talking about Daniel-"

"So you told him?"

"I'll get there." She's in such a rush for the information, but I don't want to skip anything. "I think I came off as distant, and he asked if I was thinking about another guy. I didn't really tell him no, and I think he got a tad jealous. He kissed me to make things official between us."
 

"So he's like your boyfriend?"

"I guess. I mean, yes, Jay is my boyfriend." My boyfriend everyone in the entire world can know about. No hiding behind closed doors and sneaking around. A real, honest to God, romantic relationship.

"That's awesome, girl! How do you feel?" She shuffles her feet in excitement. We're pulling stares from our coworkers, but we keep on acting like giddy school girls.

"To be coupled? Like an actual couple and not some piece on the side?" Amber giggles as I twirl. "Fantastic! To top everything off, I already lost some weight."

She gives me a high five. "Good for you! See, everything is falling into place."

We reach our cars and I sigh. "Yeah, but I still think about this whole Daniel and James situation. I'm unsure if I should deny him if he wants to be a part of his son's life."

"I understand, Chelsea."

"Um, I don't think you do. You don't have any kids." There isn't any possible way she can relate to what I'm going through.
 

"No, but I don't have a dad, either. He left when I was three."

"I'm sorry, Amber. I didn't know."

She waves her hand. "Ah, don't worry about it. I'm well over it, but, I totally understand from James' perspective. I don't even remember my dad, except he was a jerk to my mom and she's much better off without him. I may feel different if he'd been around and been halfway decent."

I'm observing her face, trying to read her pain, but I don't think I see any. I guess missing out on a dad for almost her entire life made it easier to cope with. "You don't miss him?"

Her eyes shut as she shook her head. "No," she says as they pop back open. "Not one bit. If he came in and out of my life, perhaps. I guess what I'm saying is if you think Daniel will be a steady father figure in his life, I think it's great. If you think he'll be in and out and wreaking havoc on James' heart, then, no, I don't think it's a good idea at all."

Amber touches my shoulder. I contemplate her insight. "You know how people joke around when you're trying to decide what to get at McDonald's or something? Like I can't decide between a chicken sandwich or a burger and you're thinking this isn't a life changing decision. Well,
this
is. Whatever decision I come to will change James' life forever. I can't turn back. I mean, I can keep him from Daniel, but if I include him in James' life and he walks away again, that's going to affect him for the rest of his life. I'm his
mom
. It's my
job
to protect him from things like this. I think either way I'm screwing up his life." I cover my face with my hands and bury it on the window.

Amber puts her arm around me and shoves her head next to mine. "You're a great mom, Chelsea. You're doing what you can to be sure James has the best life he can with the cards you're dealt. You can't help his father's a jackass. You're right, though. Whatever conclusion you come to
will
affect him. Either way, you're making the right choice, and that's what matters."

I hate she affirms my thoughts. Sometimes you really just want people to say the opposite of what you're thinking because agreeing with you means you're right, when it's the last thing you want to be.

•••

"Go fish!" I slam my card down on the floor to a confused James. He can't play card games yet, but I enjoy playing with him anyway. I like to show him the cards and tell him the colors and numbers. So far he recognizes one through five and he always points out blue and red. When I came home from work, he greeted me with a hug and kept shouting "Fish! Fish, mommy!", which meant he challenged me to a game. Even though we don't really play, he always wins (because we play by his rules, consisting of picking up cards and just tossing them on the ground), and nothing makes him happier.

Seeing the smile on his face today is both heart warming and breaking. God, I love this little boy. All I want is him to be safe, healthy, and happy.
 

"How you doing big fella?" My dad takes a seat on the floor next to us and pats James' head. "Are you winning?"

My dad is so good with James. The two play together every single day, and he spoils him. I always imagined I would need to scold my mom for giving James treats before a meal, or buying him too many toys, but, nope, my dad's the culprit. Maybe because he never had a son he wants to spoil him rotten. I love watching them play. James looks at my dad with eyes he never even looks at me with. It's like he knows his grandpa is a man and, therefore, a fatherly figure. He gravitates toward him and I'm touched by their connection. My dad's eyes light up, too.
 

The two of them interacting pushes thoughts of Daniel back to me. Dammit! He never crossed my mind so much until these past few weeks when he shoved his way back into my life. I'm over him and what he did to me and my son. I'm making strides, personally and romantically. Life seems to be finally moving along at a pace I can handle and with the people I want in my life, and then Daniel screws everything up. The one thing I'm certain of is I don't love him, or like him for that matter. Seeing him, well, initially brought back a stack of emotions, but I can't forget what he did to me and James. I understand fear and running away, but I
couldn't
run away. I
had
to face it. James grew inside me and I carried him from the beginning. Daniel had a choice, and he chose to cut us out of his life. Neither of us are good people for what we did, but hell if I didn't get a wonderful little boy out of the deal. I'm committed to James, and Daniel can't stay loyal to anyone, even his son. James forced me into becoming an adult. I wish the same could be said about my ex.

And James is truly wonderful. Every day he amazes me. My dad picks him up and swings him around, his smile lighting up the room. Why should I deprive James of his dad? Yes, I'm taking a risk he can walk right back out of his life just as soon as he walks in, but I'll never know unless I try. I may need to spend more time with him to find out if his intentions are real. I need to figure out if he plans on sticking around. What's his objective? But, I can't lie to my father.

"Um, Dad?" I ask as he tickles James' underarms.

"What?" he says in a silly voice, while looking at James. "What can I help you with?"

I anticipate his reaction, ranging from rage to compassion, and I'm frightened to tell him my decision. This is my choice, though, not his, and it's time I take a stand and do what I think is right, not what someone else thinks. I inhale a breath of air and as I release it, ramble off the words. "I'm thinking a lot about everything, and I might let Daniel meet James."

My dad stops tickling James, turns to me with a frown, and hands my son to me. Then, he does what all the men in my life seem to do. He walks away.

•••

The coffee shop is crowded today. Almost every table is occupied by someone sipping coffee and nibbling on a donut. I order a caramel latte, gripping the oversized yellow mug as I nervously wait for Daniel. My dad didn't say a word to me this morning. I don't think he'll talk to me for a few days. He's pretty pissed at me. I didn't even make the official decision yet to let Daniel meet James and my dad is already acting as though it's a done deal.

Daniel enters the cafe, the bell dings on the door and startles me, my nerves jumping out of my body. "Thanks for texting, Chelsea." He sits down across from me.

"Are you going to order anything?" I ask. Fifteen minutes is all I can spare before I need to get to work, so I grabbed a granola bar on the way out the door this morning. My schedule doesn't allow for much else today.

"Nah. I'm not in the mood. I'm a little too nervous. Your message put me a on edge."

That reassures me a bit. Obviously he's excited and apprehensive about my decision. What's the best way to start? I didn't prepare anything, and I hope I can handle his answers. I stare at him for a few moments, memories of our past seeping into my brain. Conversations buzz around me, and I pick up bits and pieces. A woman complains about upcoming thunderstorms in the forecast, a man swoons over his baseball tickets and how close he is to the field. A young mom picks up her little girl and pleads for her dad.
 

"I've been doing a lot of thinking about what we talked about. I'm not sure what I think about it." Open-ended. Leaves room for him to begin the discussion.

"I'm his father. What's there to consider?" His hands are resting on the table, and they're shaking.

"His father. I don't like you using that term."

"What do you mean? I'm James' dad."

I pause for a moment, and clench my jaw so I don't say something I'll regret. I must choose my words carefully. "No, Daniel. A father is someone who wants to be a part of his child's life. Someone putting their life aside to care for another. Two years after he's born you waltz back into his life and expect to pick up as though nothing happened? You never even came to see him at the hospital."

"I know. I'm sorry about that. Like I told you the other day, I got scared."

What a cop-out. He has no idea what fear is. Fear is being pregnant and alone, not sure if you'll be able to make ends meet for you and your child. Fear is being left to fend for yourselves after you thought you created a child in a loving relationship. "Scared? You have two other children you didn't run from. Why is James the one without a father? Why is he the one suffering?"

"He's not suffering, Chelsea. He's healthy and happy."

"How do you know that?" I hover at a whisper, trying my best not to raise my voice. "The only way you have a clue what he looks like is because I showed you a picture. Otherwise, you wouldn't be able to identify him among a playground of kids. Do you realize how sad that is?"

He breaks eye contact with me and bows his head down at the table. "I'm a little ashamed."