Jay Walking (9 page)

Amber walks faster than me and I ask her to slow down a bit. I'm making progress, but she's in much better shape, and let's be honest, is a lot skinnier anyway. "Last night I picked out my outfit for Ryan's party."

"Already? It's like five months away." Nothing like planning ahead, I guess.

"Yeah, so? I don't want to be unprepared. Girl, it's totally going to happen. Earlier today he came to talk to me about something and his face was only inches from mine, but not like I minded. Oh, he smells so good I could just eat him up."

I'm not sure if Ryan is as into her as she thinks. I thought for awhile he may return the interest, but based on our conversation in the lunch room the other day, I'm sure my original idea of him is accurate - he dates quite a bit and isn't interested in a relationship. I also don't think he goes many places alone. "What if he brings someone?"

I jet ahead as Amber stops in her tracks. "What?"

"I mean, what if he brings a date? He invited a ton of people to his party. What if he asked someone he likes to come?"

She starts walking again. "I doubt it. I really think he may like me, Chelsea. I don't want to think about that anyway. That would totally suck if I wasted all this time and he didn't like me back. Besides, no one ever
doesn't
like me back. I mean, come on." She waves her hand up and down her body as though presenting a prize on a game show. "I'm the whole package, girl."

"Unlike me." I pull my jacket together and zip it up.

"What do you mean?"

"My date with Jay was awesome, but I bring all this excess baggage. I'm sure he'll run once I tell him."

"So you
didn't
tell him?"

I pause before shaking my head. Amber will be disappointed, but I couldn't do it.

"Chelsea! He'll be more pissed if he finds out somehow on his own."

"And how's he going to do that? We don't have mutual friends. I don't want to scare him off right away. I'll tell him soon. Our next date. I'll sit him down and explain the whole situation."

"I hope for your sake everything works out," she says as we turn a corner. "I don't want you getting hurt. Daniel did a number on you."

Amber never met Daniel. I didn't meet Amber until I started working at Hometown Mortgages and at that point I already had James, and Daniel was well out of my life. She's aware of the history, though. I told her the entire story. The consensus seems to be I was wrong to get involved with him since he was already seeing someone (I get that now), but I got a wonderful thing out of the relationship (James). I should come clean to her. She's a friend. A good one. "So, I saw Daniel last night."

"You what? I thought you decided not to."

"I needed to. I didn't expect anything or some huge gesture. My curiosity got to me. I think my brain might have exploded if I didn't go."

"And was it worth it?"

I'm not sure how to answer the question. Does it make me a bad person that seeing him miserable makes me a little bit happy? Maybe. I'm not proud to bask in other people's misery, but does Daniel take any time to think about my misery? "He wants to see James. He asked to meet him."

"I told you. I knew it." She snaps her fingers in victory. "Are you going to let him?"

"I'm not sure yet. My parents aren't happy with me at all. My dad thinks he'll hire a lawyer."

"Do you think he will?"

"I don't know." I'm not about to admit I'm scared shitless he might. I don't think James will be taken away from me. That's ridiculous. But I don't want to lose any time with him, and I definitely don't want him to be confused with Daniel in and out of his life. "My dad wants to talk to a lawyer so at least someone is waiting on the sidelines should we need one."

We round the block back to our office building. "I need to be honest, I agree with your dad. I think it's a good idea."

"I
don't
agree. I doubt Daniel will take it that far." I imagine sitting in a courtroom while Judge Judy accuses me of breaking up Daniel's marriage, and I shoot back about how he used me and led me on. James sits in the courtroom and she takes one look at him and decides it's best he stays with me. Everything is surreal. "I really don't," I say.

"But you can't be too sure."

The uncertainty is what I don't want to think about because that's what scares me most.

The scale rests in front of me, taunting me with its big fat zero on the screen. My walking program began almost three weeks ago, my body feels amazing, and my energy level is insane compared to the past few years. I never realized how awake and alive I could feel!
 

This morning I take all my clothes off. I want to weigh myself completely naked, with nothing extra adding to the scale. I step on and close my eyes, terrified of what the number will be. What if nothing changed? What if I'm exactly where I started? I'm only a few weeks in, but no change at all will suck. Even worse, what if I gained weight? Oh my God! The possibility never even crossed my mind until this pivotal moment.

None of it makes a difference. I have to look. I mean, I don't
have
to - no one is holding a gun to my head, and I always hear it's best to measure success based on how clothes fit, but I want obvious progress. I take a deep breath and with a pounding heart, open my eyes and stare at the number. I lost two pounds! Not huge, by any means, but it's still two whole pounds! I clap my hands and hop off, wanting to squeal, but I don't want to get overly worked up about it.

Today Jay is going for a run and he suggested I meet up with him, and he'll walk with me back to my house. I enjoy these little walks and our friendship is developing nicely. The more often we're together, the more I want it to turn into something more. Technically, these
are
dates, I think, but we haven't officially categorized our relationship.

Today is the first day I see Jay in running shorts. Usually he runs in lightweight track pants. His legs are strong, his thighs rock hard, his calves defined. The shirt he's wearing is soaked, and I'm glad I got a front row seat to this wet tee shirt contest. Sweat glistens over his face, redness throbbing through his cheeks. I love how his hair springs into a few curls when damp.

This walk is much needed after the events unfolding with Daniel. We've been lucky and he hasn't contacted me again. Yet. My dad asks every few days if I heard anything and I'm pretty convinced he's waiting on the edge of his seat for Daniel to bombard us with custody papers. I hate living every day like this. At least if I ignored his original message, our lives wouldn't be spent sitting around anticipating a battle. Seeing Jay finally takes my mind off this.

"How was your run?" I ask Jay as he slows down to meet my pace, and I tell myself to divert my eyes from his chest to his face.

"Awesome," he says as he pulls the ear buds out of his ears. "I got about four and a half in."

Four and a half
miles
? I can't even fathom that. I'm happy with the two mile walk I do every day. I figure soon I'll graduate to three, and eventually four, but that's only walking. I can't imagine hopping up and down as I run for four miles. In high school for gym class a one mile run was required for graduation. It took me almost thirteen minutes. My sides ached and I walked whenever my instructor turned her head. Running isn't for me, as much as I admire those who do. Secretly, though, I wish I could run a 5K or something. "Good for you. How else are things?"

"Great! I talked to my partner and we're moving along, I think. She found a place to maybe buy and I'm going with her to check it out tomorrow."

"Oh." I put my head down, not sure if this is jealousy or disappointment. Jay and I aren't dating exclusively. We meet up a few times a week and exercise. It's not a boyfriend/girlfriend thing. He hasn't even kissed me yet. (I don't even blame tuna anymore). If he's involved with someone, I don't want to get into the middle of that. I'll never be the other woman again or get in between a couple. Despite my past, that's not who I am.

"Is that okay?" He dips his head to look at me.

"Why wouldn't it be?" I don't want to get sucked into a vortex of emotion filled with jealousy, doubt, and pain. "Where is it?" I ask him to switch the subject.

"About three miles from my house, so perfect distance wise. I can run to work in the morning! It's off of Fifth and Main, a little place that used to be a hobby shop. We only plan on having three patient rooms, so we don't need a huge space. That works out well for us and allows us to consider many different places. We
could
rent, but buying is a better investment. Plus, this way we can do whatever we want and not worry about a landlord."

"That's exciting, Jay. I'm happy for you." And I am. My life may be a mess, but I'm glad things are working out well for him. He's a nice guy and deserves this.

"You seem a little down. Is everything okay?"
 

We're still standing on the sidewalk, and I recognize we're in the same spot I fell flat on my butt when we first met. I can't answer him truthfully. I'm not ready to tell him yet, despite Amber's urging to do so. "It's complicated." A chicken response, but it works.

He steps back slightly from me and crosses his arms. "A guy?"

Oh, great.
That
I don't know how to answer. I'm single, and I want him to know that. But I don't want to lie either. "Kind of, I guess."

"It's okay, Chelsea, if it is. We haven't really defined what this is between us." He starts walking, and for a moment I'm afraid he's walking away from me, until I realize he's starting the walk back to my house.

He's right, though. We haven't discussed it. Do I want to? What if he doesn't want a relationship? And if he does, am I obligated to immediately tell him about James? "I know. I mean, we haven't even kissed." I can't believe I just said that out loud. My pulse is racing ten times faster than when I'm getting a fast paced-walk in.

Jay stops and grabs my arm. He's firm, yet gentle. "You're right. We haven't."

I turn toward him. "What?"
 

He leans in and puts his hands on my cheeks, his eyes locked on mine. My heart moves between rapid morse code calling for help and stopping completely in shock and anticipation. I'm sure people walk by, but I don't even pay attention. Those lips I admire from afar are in front of me, coming toward me, and right then and there, they meet mine, soft and tender. He kisses me, right in the middle of the sidewalk for the entire world to see. I've never been kissed in public before and with such determination and purpose.
 

"I think that defines us," Jay says.

This is the best walk ever. We're approaching my block, and we've slowed to a turtle's pace, our hands intertwined, and sneaking in kisses. The kiss on the sidewalk, with cars whizzing by and in plain sight of pedestrians, may be the most amazing kiss in my life. I like Jay a lot and don't want to screw things up, which is exactly why my confession about James is pressing.

We turn the corner and begin the approach to my house. "I'm not sure if I told you I live with my parents."

"You do?"

"Well, kind of. My dad owns the duplex and they live upstairs and I stay downstairs."

He squeezes my hand. "Ah, well that's a little different. You don't exactly live
with
them."

This is harder than I thought it would be. I want to come clean, but something is keeping me from the truth. He's holding my hand now, but the second I tell him, I'm sure he'll turn and walk the other way. Probably run. But, if I want a relationship with this man, he needs to know who I am. I'm a mom. I'm Chelsea Wyatt, a mom. We probably shouldn't be together anyway if he can't deal with that. I'm not ashamed of my life, and every moment I go without telling him, I'm giving the exact opposite impression.

"I don't live alone, Jay." Okay, this is a start. I'll ease into it. We're only two houses away from mine. I should tell him before he wants to come in.

"I had a roommate when back in medical school."

"He's not a roommate."

"He?" He stops and lets go of my hand. We're standing one house away, and James is in the window watching me.

"I live with my son."

His face drops, and he takes a step back. His hands at his sides, he presses them into his hips. I can't tell what he's thinking. He hasn't bolted yet, so I figure that's a halfway decent sign.
 

"Are you okay?"

He pulls his head back and gazes up at the blue sky. There isn't a cloud in sight, and the sun beats down on his face. "I'm trying to process this." He doesn't make eye contact with me. He's turning his head in every direction, and I think soon it may spin around.
 

"He's two. His name is James, and he's wonderful." I want him to acknowledge me. At least that will qualify as a sign he's not entirely freaked out. "My relationship ended when I got pregnant. Hell, it barely classified as a relationship anyway." I'm startled when he looks at me. This glare isn't one I'm a virgin to. "Not a one-night stand. Nothing like that. More like a one-sided romance."

"How long?"

"How long what?"

"How long was your relationship, or whatever, with the dad?"

"Almost two years."

He blows out some air. "That's a long time to refer to something as one-sided."

I'm glad we're discussing this. Talking about an ex on a date isn't on the top of my list for topics, but where there's James, there's also Daniel, technically. And I want to be honest. I want Jay to be aware of every detail. A lasting relationship is built on trust, and hiding my past can only hinder our future.

"I thought Daniel was single when we met. When he admitted to having a girlfriend, we stayed together. He cheated on her. With me. Now they're married with two kids."

He's nodding and taking in everything I say. Should I go on? Does he want me to continue? That pretty much covers it, I think.

"I like you, Chelsea."

"I like you, too, Jay."

"Please. Let me finish."

The end is coming, and I'm fighting back the tears. My eyes are moist, and I glance up at the tree behind Jay to stop myself from crying.