Jay Walking (7 page)

"How long have you been a doctor?" I start the conversation, figuring work is a simple enough topic. "You can't be much over thirty."

He laughs. "Thanks. Actually, I'm thirty-two."

Okay, so an older man. Not by much, but more mature and as a doctor, has his head on straight. "Thirty-two is fine. Better than nineteen and Doogie Howser, M.D."

"Do you have a problem with Doogie Howser?"

"No!" I react as though Neil Patrick Harris is my best friend or something. Wouldn't that be fun, though? "I meant I wouldn't want to be on a date with a nineteen-year-old."

"That's good because I would question your judgment if you did." He keeps walking. "Anyway, I've been a full-fledged doctor about two years now. I did my fellowship at the hospital and lucky for me, they offered me a full-time job. But, I decided it's time to move on."

"Oh? How so?"

"A fellow doctor and I are planning on opening our own practice."

"Really? That's incredible." Thirty-two and starting his own business. My little scrapbooking adventure is puny compared to this. I'm scared to take steps forward to continue making tiny kits for others to enjoy, and here he is creating a business from scratch, and saving lives in the meantime.

"I love working at the hospital, but I would much prefer a less fast-paced environment. We're planning on opening a general practice office. This way, too, I can work more normal hours. I'm too young to already be burning out."

A city bus roars by, and we stop talking for a moment. How do I compete with this? "You're ambitious. I don't do anything life saving or anything."

"What do you do?"

The million dollar question. How do I tell this doctor, with at least ten years of school under his belt, I don't even have a degree and I sit at a desk all day. Of course, then he'll understand my weight a little better. "I'm in finance. I work with mortgages."

"Work with them how?"

"I assist in getting people approved for mortgages."

"Really? That sounds .... boring." He chuckles, and I want him to keep going. His laugh is warm and inviting.

"It is." Some may find his remark offensive, but I don't. His description of my job is perfect. "I enter numbers in the computer and it spits an answer back at me. A monkey can do it. I hate it. It's a job though. Although there are days I want to tell my boss where to shove it."

"Who doesn't? But, that's a great way to get fired."

"Yeah. My friend got fired for mouthing off at an old job. I can't afford to lose my job. I have to take care of .... " I trail off, grasping for ways to finish the sentence.

"Of what?"

I can't tell him about James yet. Yes, James is a part of me and any guy I'm involved with will be a part of his life, too, but it's our first date. I don't need to be dropping the single mother bomb on him so soon. I'll tell him on our next date, if he wants to go out again. He's so sweet, but I want him to get to know Chelsea The Woman before introducing him to Chelsea The Mom.
 

"Myself, of course. I don't want to lose my income or insurance. My insurance is excellent." Good save.

We keep walking, and I'm barely aware my legs are getting tired. Jay is easy to talk to. I love being out in public with a man. I look forward to going on dates to restaurants, movies, miniature golf, and I can't wait to be able to hold Jay's hand. I realize how much I want to be in a
real
relationship. If that means keeping part of my life secret for a little bit, so be it.

•••

The restaurant is cute - a small place owned by friends of Jay's parents. I'm happy his mom and dad are still together, like mine, and they're involved in Jay's life. His mom is the dean of a university, and his dad the CEO of a large company. Not to be outdone, his older brother is a lawyer. I'm a tad intimidated by his big wig family, as my mortgage rep job seems so subpar to the kind of career-oriented folks he's used to being around.

"Am I the first boring person you've dated?" My tuna sandwich sits on my plate, and while I'm comfortable now, the thought of eating in front of him makes me nervous. Why did I choose tuna? I want him to kiss me, but I'm sure he won't want to come near my mouth if I smell like a fish.
 

"What does that mean?" Jay asks, not being shy at all and biting into his chicken and avocado wrap.

"I mean, everyone in your family is in an important career and makes a lot of money. I make pennies and my mom is retired and my dad is a landlord."

"So? We do what we're passionate about." He shrugs and grabs a sweet potato fry. I'm not sure how people eat those. Deep frying them doesn't make sweet potatoes taste any better.
 

"I'm hardly passionate about mortgages." I'm passionate about James and making a life for us. I work to live, not live to work.

Jay drinks his water, and crosses his hands, resting his chin on them. "Tell me, then, Chelsea, what did you
always
want to do? If you weren't Mortgage Approver Extraordinaire, what would you be?"

I consider this for a moment. What
do
I want to do with my life? Certainly not what I'm doing. The only thing I'm certain about in life is my son. Scrapbooking is the one passion I have outside of him. Really, though, where is that going to take me?

"If I'm being honest -"

"Please, be honest," Jay interjects, leans in further and places his index fingers on his thin, now glistening, lips. "No one likes a liar."

Second date. I'll tell him on the second date.

"Scrapbooking. I've always loved crafts."

He cocks his head and curves his lips, a small crease defining itself around the corner of his mouth. "Like making photo albums?"

Thankfully he seems interested, but he may be trying to avoid awkward silence. "Yeah. Kind of. I take pictures and create fun pages. I actually run an online store."

"Really?"
 

The tone in his voice changes and I can't read it, so I hesitate about telling him more. I don't want him seeing my kits online. Most of them consist of a baby theme, which may give too much information away. And I'm a tad embarrassed. I do a good job, but I get nervous discussing it with others. "Yeah. I've been selling kits a little over a year now."

"What's in a kit?"

Does he really care? I don't know many men who participate in scrapbooking, much less ones who even bother to ask about it. When my dad sees me working on it, he doesn't say a word. "One comes with card stock paper, a few frames and stickers and a basic sheet showing how to design a page."

Jay's face lights up. "That sounds so creative. You're like a designer."
 

I think about what he suggests. I suppose, in a way, he's right. "I never thought of it that way." If a customer asks for me to put together the entire page, I will, less the photos.

"What else? Tell me about you." He seems intrigued. I like that because no one has ever shown so much interest in me.
 

"Well, you're aware I recently began a workout routine. I'm starting to enjoy it."

"I think it's great you're working out, but you don't need to lose any weight."
 

"You've never seen me naked." I cover my mouth as soon as the words leave.
 

"We'll see," he responds, and I blush.

If he does, I'm sure his image of me will change. I'm not the thin, flawless girl I used to be. I want that girl back. I crave that confidence again.

"Anyway," I continue the conversation, "lunch was nice but I should get back. Can you take me home now?" I'm having a good time, but I need to get back to James. I'm not used to spending so much time away from him, and I really miss him. I can stare into Jay's eyes all day, but my mommy heart calls me.
 

"You bet. Should we set up another date?"

Another date? I'm relieved he thinks the date went well enough to go on another. This is so simple, so easy compared to my past. I'm not waiting around for a call because an hour freed up in someone's schedule and there's time for a booty call. He's interested in me, no sneaking around required. "Definitely. I'd like that."

Today's the day. I'm seeing Daniel for the first time in over two years. Work dragged on and my stomach twisted in knots the entire day as I waited for four-thirty to roll around to get the heck out of there. I rush home, eat dinner and play with James before putting him to bed. My mom brought a book downstairs to my place to stay with him. I don't tell her I'm meeting Daniel; just that I'm going to the library.

We agree to meet at the library at seven. It's neutral ground, and I don't want to go for coffee or anything that puts something in my stomach in case the nerves from the day catch up with me and I end up throwing up. I'm already nauseous as I sit outside in the parking lot. Plus, at the library, I can't yell and scream at him like I want. Years of pent up anger I thought I came to terms with is bubbling inside me, but with our meeting looming in the very near future, my frustration and resentment towards him only grows. Each minute until I exit the car eats me up.
 

I enter the library under such different intentions than ever before. When I'm here usually James joins me and we make a beeline for the children's area. He always rushes right to the board books and picks up every single one possible, his favorite being the ones with Mickey Mouse in them. I take a seat on the floor and sit James in my lap and read a few stories and then we pick a few to take home with us. Being here for such a different reason bothers me a bit. The library is kind of like a safe place, and I'm bringing Daniel into it.

We agree to meet upstairs by the Adult Fiction, near the section set up with couches and chairs. I want the meeting to be casual and not intimidating. I'm still fixing my hair, pulling my shirt to cover the flab, and straightening my jeans over my heeled boots. I walk into the Adult Fiction area and when I turn the corner to where we're to meet, he's already arrived.

His dark hair is longer now, and his face is a tad fuller. He smiles at me, but I can't return his sentiment. Am I happy? Relieved? Excited? He stands as I approach, but I quickly take a seat across from where he is, not saying a word until he sits down.

When he sits, his ring is the first thing that catches my eye. Daniel's wedding ring. His commitment to Lauren a part of him, with him every day. The gold band is surrounded with diamonds, and I don't doubt hers is either. What made him want her instead of me? Why did he want me just for sex? What about me didn't make me good enough for a relationship? I begin to tap my foot, waiting for him to speak, but I don't want him to. "This is a bad idea," I say as I stand up. I don't want to go back into this hole I spent so much time trying to escape from.

"Chelsea, wait. Please sit."

I'm unable to move, staring at Daniel, this man present in my life for quite some time. The man who's the father to my child. But he's not. James is a part of him, and he's a part of James, but only in the biological sense. He has
no idea
who James is. He isn't aware of his love of Mickey Mouse or how he adores his nana. He doesn't know how odd it is that he eats all his broccoli and won't be caught eating cake. His first birthday we gave him blueberries because for some reason he preferred the fruit over the cake to smash with his hands. He can't appreciate his smile or his giggles. Nothing. But, I want answers.
Why
doesn't he care to be involved?
Why
does he want that life with Lauren and the kids, but he doesn't want a thing to do with ours? Reluctantly, I sit back down. "What." Not even a question. A
demand
. I want him to tell me what the hell he wants and let me get home to my son.

"I ... " He rubs his hands on his knees and then down his face. "I'm not sure where to begin."

I can't stop staring at that ring. The piece of gold on his finger might as well be a knife slicing through my heart. I'm fresh off my date with Jay, and I'm finally ready to move forward, but that piece of jewelry freezes my progress and catapults me into the past. "How about you just spit out what you came here to say?"

"Chelsea, you're not being fair."

"
I'm
not being fair?" I push my finger into my chest. "You used me, Daniel, and disowned our child. How do you live with yourself every day knowing you have a son out there you've never met? How can you even close your eyes at night and not wonder about that little boy? That little boy without a father in his life. I would be so ashamed if I were you." Momma mode kicks in and I'm not holding anything back. I need to lower my voice, but James can't defend himself, so I must do it for him.

"I don't, Chelsea. I don't sleep at night."

"Well that's because you have two babies you need to take care of. You're married with two children and forgot about your firstborn."

"I don't forget, Chels, and I think about him every night."

My nose stings when I inhale the musty books surrounding me. A smell I love tarnished by
him
. Through gritted teeth, I say, "You don't even know what he looks like." And he looks just like Daniel. I can't go a day without him crossing my mind because I have a daily reminder.

Daniel nods and twirls his ring. "Fine. You're right. I deserve that. All of it."

He's clueless. The reaming I'm giving him is tame compared to what he deserves. He's getting off the hook pretty damn easy.

"I miss you, Chelsea."

His eyes soften, accelerating my heart the same way they did every time he told me he loved me. And each time he said those words was a blatant lie. I try everything I can, but I can't help myself. I scoff at him, and eventually I'm laughing. "That's amazing, Daniel. You
miss
me? The same way you loved me and wanted to be with me and planned on leaving Lauren?"

"I left Lauren."

"You what? But your two babies!" I'm concerned about his other children for some reason in this moment, not wanting him to abandon more kids. James adjusted to life without a father because he's never known one. Daniel's other kids are well aware of him. Yes, I resent them, and I hate these feelings are inside me, but it's not fair. Still, I don't wish this upon them.