Jilted: Promise Harbor, Book 1 (26 page)

He loved his house even though he knocked around in it by himself. He loved the big yard and all the things he could do with it—a vegetable garden maybe, a small pond, even with some fish in it.

But he’d give it up if Devon would take him back.

Now that was crazy talk. He’d have to give up a lot more than his house if he were to move back to Boston. His job. His family. They were the whole reason he’d come back to Promise Harbor, after all.

Except…his mom was off on some holiday trip. With Owen, for Chrissake. His sister was away on her own and, according to Mom, doing just fine. Allie’d disappeared with Gavin. The rest of the Ralston family was off doing their own thing. Everybody seemed to be fine without him.

He lowered himself onto a stool at the counter and slumped there, the cold beer held in both hands. Huh. Maybe they all didn’t need him as much as he thought they did.

That was kinda depressing.

And Devon didn’t need him either.

He lifted the beer and took three long gulps, then swiped the back of his hand over his mouth.

He gave that some more thought. He’d always looked after his family. He’d helped look after Allie’s family too. He didn’t do it for him. He did it for them… right?

He had to examine that for a few long moments, testing it out in his mind to make sure it was true. Because he hated to think that he was some kind of codependent enabler. He shook his head. Nah. He just did it because it needed to be done.

He wasn’t a hero either, despite Devon’s assertion. There were enough times that he’d inwardly resented some of the demands on him. Hell yeah, he’d hated giving up his job with the special operations command in Boston. He’d fucking loved that job. Greta annoyed him at times. And his mom’s insistence on keeping the business when she wasn’t interested in working there and helping was stressing him out.

So then, goddammit, why
couldn’t
he leave Promise Harbor? Why couldn’t he go back to Boston with Devon? There really was no reason.

Yeah, he loved his job here too. He loved the town and his house, and he had lots of friends here, Stone and Ethan and Jake. It would be sad to have to sell the business, but life would go on.

But something still bothered him, and he couldn’t quite put his finger on it.

Loaded down with her purse, her laptop and her suitcase, Devon stumbled out of her father’s house. She hadn’t wanted to face him and Susan again. In fact anger still sizzled inside her at his comments. Anger and maybe a little hurt. But she wouldn’t let him know that.

Dad rose to his feet from the couch in the living room when she passed by the door with her stuff.

“You’re leaving,” he said.

“Yes. Thanks for letting me stay. I’ll keep you posted about my job hunt.”

She sensed he wanted to say more, but held back. Probably because he knew she didn’t want to hear it.

He approached and picked up her suitcase. “At least let me help you carry this to the car,” he said gruffly.

Susan followed, her eyes sad and the corners of her mouth tight. Guilt gave Devon a little stab at how she’d rebuffed Susan. She met the other woman’s eyes. With a long, slow blink, she moved toward Susan and let her envelop her in an embrace. “I’m sorry,” she whispered against Susan’s hair.

Susan patted her back. “It’s okay. I understand. More than you know. But I’m here if you need me. And so is your father.” She met Devon’s eyes. “Never doubt that, even though he won’t say it himself.”

Devon gave a jerky nod as she drew back.

In her car, she drove past the marina and then the beach, a few people enjoying the evening sunshine while walking on the sand, and she pressed on the brake. Staring at the ocean had always been a good way for her to gather her thoughts, to sort things out and to gain a new perspective on things. So she pulled in to a parking lot across from the beach and climbed out of her car.

She kicked off her sandals and carried them as she trudged through the soft sand, her feet sinking and making every step more work. The cool sand closed around her feet. Terns scattered out of her way, and the ocean washed onto shore in rhythmic waves. The breeze tugged at her hair, and she turned her face into it and closed her eyes, inhaling the briny scent of salt and fish and seaweed.

A little tension eased out of her body, and she let out a long, slow breath, then opened her eyes. The ocean stretched out to the horizon, blue, teal, aqua and silver, glinting in the sun. She walked a little way until she’d passed the other people there and then lowered herself to sit on the sand. She tossed her sandals aside and leaned back with her hands planted in the sand behind her.

What had Josh said…the ocean being the nurturer of all life. So huge and powerful, the exact same ocean she’d gazed upon as a girl, something that never changed, a constant. Stability in a mixed-up world.

The ache in her chest intensified again at thinking of Josh. Had he really expected her to stay here?

As the sea air brushed over her skin and the sound of the waves lulled her, she had to admit what that ache in her heart meant. She didn’t want to leave him. She didn’t want to lose him again. She loved him.

His words came back to her.
“You were the one who really left, weren’t you?”

She’d spent the last year and a bit feeling the victim, the one who’d been left behind, the one who’d been rejected. And on the surface that appeared to be true.

But underneath…it wasn’t that simple. When she made herself dig deep and face the truth…he was right. Oh my god, he was right.

She was the one who’d left the relationship—because she’d never admitted to Josh how she’d really felt. She’d been stubborn and focused on the things she thought she wanted, and stubborn and determined not to let on how hurt she’d been by his decision to leave. Like everything else in her life. Mother abandoned her? No big deal. A father who was distant and stoic? She was fine with that. No Christmas decorations? Whatever. No family at school the day she won the math competition? That was okay.

What would have happened if she’d told Josh how devastated she was by him leaving? What if she’d been honest and told him she loved him more than anything in the world and she didn’t want him to go? What if she’d begged him to stay? Would it have made a difference?

And what if she’d told Allie the truth, that day Allie had called to tell her she and Josh were dating? What if she’d said,
Allie, I still love him
…
please don’t do that…
Would it have made a difference?

She squeezed her eyes tightly closed at the painful realization that she’d brought much of this on herself with her stupid inability to say what she was thinking, what she was feeling.

And she had to face the truth of what her father had said too.

It hurt. A lot. The reminder that her mother hadn’t loved her enough to take her with her, or to ever even come back to see her. That knowledge had settled deep inside her and shaded everything she knew about herself. But she’d never questioned why she wanted to leave Promise Harbor so much. Why she wanted the kind of career she’d chosen. Why she wanted so desperately to live somewhere urban and elegant. The idea that she was trying to please the mother she didn’t even know, to prove herself worthy of her love—that had to be the most pathetic thing ever. It filled her with a burning shame that she’d been so stupid.

She couldn’t leave now. Stay here forever? Well, she wasn’t sure about that. Maybe. But she couldn’t leave with this weight pressing down on her, her father believing she couldn’t get away from him fast enough, and Josh believing…the same.

She pushed forward and bent over at the pain that shafted through her core.

Josh’s face flashed in her mind, the look on it when he’d thanked her for helping, when he’d told her what a relief it was to have that taken off his shoulders.

Josh, who took
everything
on those big, strong, superhero shoulders. When a superhero could admit that he needed help…that he needed anything…well, maybe she could too.

She lifted her chin and gazed out at the water again, and the breeze on her face was especially cool now because her cheeks were damp. She pressed her hands to her wet face.

The ocean was like a collection of countless tears flowing, tears of sadness, but also tears of rejuvenation and cleansing. And so she let herself cry. For the first time in her life, she didn’t try to stop the tears.

She’d screwed up. Her dad had tried to talk to her. He’d tried to tell her that he of all people understood. And she’d pushed him away, like always.

And Josh had been brave enough to tell her how he felt, which to her was the bravest thing of all, and she’d pushed him away too. She tipped her head back and looked up at the sky, clear, endless blue like the ocean, infinite and unchanging and always, always there. Tears leaked from the corners of her eyes and ran into her hair, and her throat ached.

Maybe it was too late to fix things, but she had to talk to them both, Josh and her dad, before she could leave. She had to face the truth about herself. If she ended up going back to Boston, alone, to resume her job hunt, at least she’d do it knowing that she’d been strong and brave enough to do that.

She rose to her feet and brushed the sand off the back of her skirt, bent and picked up her sandals.

She drove to her dad’s place first.

When she walked in, he and Susan were sitting on the couch watching television. They both looked at her.

“Are you okay, Devon?” Susan asked, sitting forward.

“I will be. I need to talk to you, Dad.”

“Do you want me to leave?” Susan asked.

Devon looked at her father, who looked at Susan and then shook his head. He reached for her hand. Devon sat down on an armchair. Susan clicked off the TV with the remote.

“I just did some thinking,” she said, her voice thick. “And before I leave, I have to tell you some things.”

“Go ahead.”

She bent her head and looked at her fingers clasped together in her lap. “I didn’t leave because I wanted to get away from you, Dad. When you said that…” She swallowed. “I never knew you thought that. The truth is, I thought you wanted me gone.”

Silence. Then he said, “Why would you think that?”

“Because you never…” She paused, her throat closing up. “Because you never told me you loved me.”

More silence expanded around them, filling the room. “I guess I thought you knew that,” he finally said in a low voice. Devon peeked up at him through her eyelashes. This was hard for him too. She had to remember that.

“I didn’t know that. I’m sorry, but I didn’t. Mom had left. She didn’t love me. I wanted to know that someone loved me, and you never told me. You wouldn’t let me talk about it, or how it felt to be left behind.”

He nodded and his throat worked. “That was a mistake.”

She sank her teeth into her bottom lip. “Anyway. I guess I did have some kind of crazy idea that I could make Mom proud of me, or make her love me if I had the kind of life she’d approve of. I never realized it until you said that. It…embarrasses me.” God it was hard saying that.

He nodded again. “I just wanted you to have the kind of life you wanted. For yourself, not for anyone else.”

“Thank you, Dad. I…” She looked up at met his eyes directly. “I love you, Dad.”

“I love you too, Dev.”

Tears accumulated in the corners of her eyes again but she smiled. And he gave her a tiny smile back. Susan squeezed his hand. Maybe Devon should be thanking her for helping her Dad be brave enough to open up and say that.

“What about Josh?” Dad asked. “You still leaving?”

“I’m not sure. I’m going to go talk to him too. I…made some mistakes with him too.”

Dad pursed his lips. “Telling someone you’re sorry and you love them goes a long way to making things better.”

Devon huffed out a laugh and dropped her head. “Oh Dad. You are so right.” She rose to her feet. “I’m going to go now, but I’ll come back here tonight. Even if he doesn’t want…if things don’t work out, I’ll stay tonight at least.”

“You can stay as long as you want.”

“Thank you.”

She felt lighter as she left Dad’s house and drove to Josh’s place, filled with a sense of urgency to get to him right away. His CR-V was parked outside, and when she put her car in park, she gripped the steering wheel for a moment. The resolve inside her flickered a little, but she firmed her lips and slid out of the car.

She climbed the front steps to the veranda, absently noting the paint that had been scraped way in preparation for a new coat. What color was he going to paint the house? She nibbled her bottom lip as she rang the doorbell.

When he opened the inside door, leaving the screen between them, his eyes widened, then half shut, his mouth a straight line of unhappiness. “Devon.”

“Hi.” She swallowed. “Can I come in?”

Chapter Nineteen

He gave a short nod and opened the screen door too, stepping back to let her in.

She gazed at him, twisting her fingers together. Emotion rose up inside her, but she didn’t know how to start. “I’m sorry,” she finally whispered. “I came to tell you I’m sorry.”