Jocelyn's Choice (10 page)

A week after my doctor’s appointment, I finally got up the nerve to visit Evan. I pulled up to the Jordan house and took a deep breath. After I gathered my courage and composed myself, I climbed out of the car.

I walked up to the porch and sat on the rocking chair. I wanted to take a few more minutes to pull myself together and make sure I didn't blurt out my condition to Evan. He was the closest thing I had to a best friend, but I couldn't tell him this secret. If he wasn't the uncle of the baby I was carrying, it would have been a no-brainer. I would have told him the minute I peed on that stupid stick, but because he was Alex's brother, it would only be natural that Evan’s loyalties would lay with Alex. Evan would either force me to tell Alex, or he'd tell him himself. A risk I simply couldn't take.

I thought back to the times we hung out and ate pizza or watched a movie, times when the three of us could laugh and joke. Just a few short months ago, I had it all.

Evan was my good friend, and he helped me through the first few awkward weeks in my new relationship with Alex. In the four months Alex was here, I had more fun than I'd ever had before.
How did things change so fast?

"Jocelyn?" Evan came out the front door. "Why are you sitting on the porch?"

"Evan!" I'd been so lost in thought, I didn't hear him come outside. I got up off the rocking chair much too quickly and immediately felt lightheaded. He grabbed my arm and held me up.

"Are you okay?" I saw the worry in his face.

"Yeah." I smiled. "Just got up too fast."

Way to go, Jocelyn!

He stared at me, trying to decide if I was lying.

"What? I'm fine."

"You look tired. Are you sick?"

"No." I shook my head. "Just working a lot of hours at the coffee shop."

"Oh, trying to get in as many hours as you can before school starts?"

"Yeah, something like that." I shrugged off his question.

He pulled me into a hug, and I tensed then forced myself to relax.
Don't be silly
, I chastised myself. There was no way he could tell I was pregnant by hugging me, not yet, anyway. I put my arms around him and rested my head on his shoulder.

"I miss you," I whispered, and my eyes filled with tears.
I am so freaking emotional
these days.

"Hey?" He looked into my wet eyes. "What's going on?"

"Nothing." I smiled. "Just having a bad day."

"Want to talk about it?"

"Maybe later. How are things with you?"

"Okay," he said. "Just getting ready for school. Classes start in a few weeks. I wish you were coming with me."

"You don't need me." I smiled. "You can commute with Brenna and Julia, and Cali's going with you."

"I always need you." He returned my smile, but he didn't have his usual sparkle.

He looked out of it. "You keep me in line."

"What is it?"

He let go of my hand and leaned against the railing. "I broke up with Cali. She's picked a different school to attend."

"What? Why? You guys were getting along great."

"Things change, people change."

"That fast?"

We'd only been out of touch for a few weeks.
But, then again, look at the huge news
I got in those few weeks.

"We had a scare," he said. "And that put things into perspective for us."

"A pregnancy scare?" I swallowed hard. "But, she's not?" For just a second, I almost wished she were pregnant. Misery loves company, and all that.
How screwed up
can you get, Jocelyn?

"No, she was just late," he said, relief evident in his tone. "But we realized while we liked one another and had fun with each other, we weren't so sure we were in this for the long haul. A baby would have changed everything."

Tell me about it.

"No doubt," I said, knowing exactly where he was coming from. I had spent many sleepless nights these past few weeks, trying to decide if I was what Alex wanted.

I knew we liked each other, but did he want to be tied to me forever? The more time I had to get used to having a baby, the more I wanted to share this with Alex. I wanted him to be involved and tell me it would all work out. "Sorry I wasn't around for that."

"Yeah, you kinda flaked on me," he said, but his smile took the sting from his words. "But luckily your other half was there to talk to me."

"Alex?"

"Who else?"

"What was his take on the whole situation?" I was curious to know. Maybe it would help me get my act together.

"He was very supportive when we didn't know for sure," he said. "He called me like three times a day to make sure I was okay and to see if I needed to talk things through."

"That's Alex." I smiled, wishing I could call him and tell him my current situation.

"But once we knew for sure Cali wasn't pregnant, Alex agreed we were too young and had our whole lives in front of us, and if we weren't sure we wanted to spend forever together, it was best to break up and do what was right for each other."

"Oh." I suffered a pang of disappointment. "Alex didn't think you were meant for Cali?"

"He said we had time to figure it out, and if it was meant to be, it would happen.

We didn't need a baby to complicate matters."

"No, I guess not," I said.
Complicate matters? Is that how Alex would view this? A
complication?

"It all worked out." He sighed. "But I would have done the right thing and supported Cali any way she needed me to. Alex was adamant about that. Responsibility and all."

A complication and a responsibility? This is not looking good.

"Hey." He took my hand. "It's over, and I'm moving on. There'll be lots of new girls for me to charm the pants off at school." He winked.

"Pig!" I laughed, despite my growing melancholy.

"Well, I can't have you. You're taken."

I smiled. "You didn't want me before Alex came home."

"Maybe I didn't realize what a catch you were," he said.

"Please." I rolled my eyes. "It would never have worked."

"Come on." He pulled me toward the door. "My mother is waiting for you."

"Good. I've missed miss her too." We walked into the house. I didn't know why, but I immediately felt at home once I got inside. Probably because everywhere I looked I was reminded of Alex and all the time we spent there. I liked being surrounded by him, and I wanted to take it all in, since this was probably the last time I'd be there until he came home.

I came home from an eight-hour shift and collapsed on my bed. Never in my life had I been this tired. I'd felt like my eyes were going to shut right there at the cash register. The nausea wasn't getting any better, and my back was starting to hurt, and I wasn't out of my first trimester yet.

"Jocelyn," Max called.

God, I hope he doesn't want me to make dinner now!

"Jocey?" He knocked on my door.

"Come in."

"Hey?" He walked in and sat on the edge of the bed. "Are you sick again?"

I wish he'd stop asking me that!

"No." I sighed. "Just a long day."

"Maybe you should cut back those hours?" He smiled. "I appreciate your work ethic, but ever since Alex left, all you do is work. I know you miss him, but maybe you should go out with some friends?"

I still hadn't told him I wouldn't be attending school. If I told him, I'd have to tell him why, and I still hadn't managed to work up the nerve to tell him he was going to be a grandfather.

"Once school starts, you'll be busy. You should be having fun now."

Oh, I think I already had enough fun!

"I just saw Evan the other day," I said. "I have to work all weekend. I'm trying to get the hours in now."

"You can't sit around and wait for Alex," he said. "November is a long way off."

"Not that long," I mumbled. "Look, I'm fine, Dad. I'm just tired. Would you mind if I didn't cook tonight?"

"No," he said. "I'll order something for us."

"Okay."

"What do you want?"

"Something with pineapple, I think?" I'd been craving pineapple all day.

"Pineapple?" He laughed. "That's odd."

"Why?"

"Your mother used to crave that when she was pregnant with you," he said. "But I don't think I've ever seen you eat it before."

"Oh." I tried to think quickly. "I ate it at the Jordans. They love fresh fruit, and I found out I really like it."

What were the chances Liz and I would have the same craving? We had nothing else in common.

"I guess I could run to the store and pick some up," he said, as he rubbed his chin. I prayed he wasn't making the connection.

"No," I said. "You pick what you want to eat. I'm sure it'll be fine. I'm just really hungry."

"Okay." He smiled, but he didn't look happy. "Are you sure everything’s okay?

You can talk to me, ya know."

"Yes." I patted his hand in an effort to assure him. "It's a girl thing."

He held up his hand. "Say no more, please."

I laughed as he bolted from the room like he had a tiger on his tail. Max had always felt uncomfortable talking to me about anything that had to do with the female body. It didn't make growing up so easy, but luckily, I had the Internet. Actually, that was coming in handy with all my pregnancy questions. I really didn't have any place else to turn. Liz wasn’t an option, since she hadn't been there for any other significant moment in my life. I often thought Sarah would be the perfect one to talk to. She was so nurturing and tender, and I didn't think I'd feel embarrassed to ask her anything. I wished I could tell her.

I closed my eyes and tried to think of happier moments. My childhood was okay, and Max did the best he could, but I felt like I missed out on so many different things. I wanted more for my baby. I wanted him or her to have two parents and live in a nice house and eventually have siblings. My mind never shut down, especially when it came to the future. I wanted to have a life with Alex, but how could I expect him to want the same things I did? It wasn't fair to assume he would want to be with me and raise a baby. Our relationship was good before he left; we were learning about one another, growing as a couple, and having fun. We had so much to look forward to, but now it was all so different, and Alex had no idea his life was about to change. Both of our lives were in for a makeover.

* * * * *

A massive migraine woke me up at 3:00 a.m. I threw up twice, tossed and turned, and finally fell back to sleep sometime around sunrise. It was almost noon by the time my head finally settled down. My mouth was dry, my eyes burned, and my boobs were sore. Pregnancy did not agree with me. And to think, people did this more than once.

I decided I’d stay in my pajamas all day. I needed some time to think. Max was working a twelve-hour shift, so I wouldn't have to worry about him interrogating me over my disheveled appearance. After I had my usual morning cry, I got out of bed and hit the shower. It helped me to relax a little, but when I stepped out, I still had the same problems waiting for me. When I dried off, I noticed that my stomach was developing a tiny bump; it wouldn't be noticeable to most people, but I was aware of it. This made me cry all over again. I was an emotional mess.

I went back to my room and put on a pair of pajama bottoms and Alex's Yale shirt. I felt closer to him when I wore it, and I liked the idea of something of his being so close to our baby. I ran my hands over my stomach and smiled.

In the beginning, I was so stunned I was pregnant I didn't have time to process that I was actually having a baby. I had to get used to the idea of being pregnant first.

And lately, I’d been stressing over telling Max. It had to be done, and my life would be filled with a lot less stress once he knew, but unfortunately, his life would be screwed up.

Then there was Alex. He’d been gone since July, and in the beginning, we spoke almost every night. Our phone time had dwindled, and it was my fault. He’d made an honest attempt, constantly calling me and texting me, but as the weeks went by, I distanced myself from him. I felt bad about the space I put between us, but the less I talked to him, the less likely I was to blurt out I was pregnant. He was doing so well with this internship, and if he knew about the baby, he'd be on the first plane home from Connecticut. I wanted him here with me more than anything, but the timing was off. There wasn't anything he could do, and if he didn't want to be involved, I wouldn't force him. The problem was, I wanted him to be involved, and I wanted him to want this baby.

I grabbed my phone, deciding I'd call him. I missed him and wanted to hear his voice. If I was being selfish, I didn’t care. I needed something for me today.

"Jocelyn." He answered on the first ring.

"Hey," I said. "How are you?"

"I'm good, just really busy."

"Am I bothering you?" I asked.

"No," he replied. "I'm just surprised to hear from you. I usually call you."

"I've been busy with work," I said. "But, I'm off today, and I was thinking about you. I'm wearing your shirt."

"Hmm," he said. "If I wasn't in a crowded hallway, I'd ask you what else you had on."

"I'm not in a sexy mood."

"That makes me happy with me being so far away and all."

"So, you're doing well?" I asked.

"Yeah, just have a lot going on."

"I won't keep you," I said. "I wanted to hear your voice."

"I'm glad you called," he said. "I was thinking you'd given up."

"On us?"

He didn't say anything.

"Alex?"

"I know I said I didn't expect you to wait," he said. "And I know it's such an exciting time in your life with school, and you'll be making new friends, but . . . ."

"Alex." I interrupted him. "I haven't given up. I've just been going through some stuff."

"What stuff, Joce?"

Damn it! Now he'd want to be my psychiatrist.
"It's not important. I just miss you."

"Jocelyn," he said. "I can fly home this weekend, if you want. We could spend two days together."

No, no, no!
He couldn't do. If he did, then he'd know, and he wouldn't go back.

As much as I wanted him here, there was no harm in letting him finish the internship.

"No, Alex." I answered much too fast.

"Why not?" I heard the hurt in his voice. I was just making things so much worse.

"Because I have orientation and there are some functions on campus I want to go to." I lied.

"Oh, okay," he said regretfully.

"And it would be too hard to say goodbye to you again." I rubbed my stomach.

"When you come back, I want you to stay."

"Me too, beautiful," he whispered. "Will you be home later?"

"Yeah, I'm staying in and getting some things done around the house."

"Can I call you tonight?"

"I'd like that." I smiled.

"Have a good day, babe."

I closed my eyes and held back a sob. I hated being so hormonal. "You too," I quickly said before hanging up. I couldn't risk saying anything else.

How ridiculous is this?
Alex thought I’d given up on him. Wasn't it supposed to be the other way around? He had this reputation of being with almost every girl in town and God knew who else at Yale. By the time I met him, he could have had his pick of any gorgeous girl he wanted; he’d even dated Miss California or something like that for a month. But for some odd reason, he chose me. He came home that day and found me in his kitchen, and as far as I knew, he didn't see anyone else but me the whole four months he was home from school. I knew how crazy that was for him.

He’d changed his whole way of life for me. He was patient with me, took his time, and made me feel special. He’d never actually told me he loved me, but he cared for me. The relationship Alex had built with me was more genuine than any other he’d had with any other girl. A few months ago, I wouldn't have been confident enough to think that way, but Evan had assured me of that, and the reason Julia hated me so much was because I had what she wanted. And now I was breaking his heart. For the first time in his life, he put it all out there, and, in his mind, he thought I was the one who was going to be unfaithful. The distance I was putting between us was killing us both, but I could only hope when he came back he’d understand what I was trying to do for him. What I was trying to do for the three of us.