Jocelyn's Choice (14 page)

"Joce," Evan said as I pressed my face into his shoulder. "Please stop crying. Alex didn’t mean what he said. I know he didn’t."

"He wants me to"—I sobbed—"put our baby up for adoption. He’s mad because I didn’t tell him."

I knew there was a huge possibility he wouldn’t want to keep our baby, but I was holding out hope that he’d want us.

"He’s not mad," Evan said. "He’s just shocked and needs some time to figure it all out."

I removed myself from Evan’s arms and glanced at his tear-stained shirt. I tried to dry it with my hand.

"It’s okay." He smiled. "I’ll take it to the cleaners."

"Thanks for taking me home," I said. "I think I need to go to bed."

"Jocelyn, please don’t give up on Alex."

"I don’t want him to do anything he doesn’t want to do." I didn’t want to be an obligation or a responsibility. If he wanted me, it had to be because of what we were to one another and not because he got me pregnant.

"Alex never does," Evan said. "But I know how he feels about you even if he doesn’t."

"What does that mean?"

"Come on, Jocelyn," Evan said. "You have to know how much he cares for you.

I’ve never seen him fall for anyone the way he’s fallen for you. You’ve changed him so completely."

"I know before he left, he cared about me," I said, and I really believed that. "And I think if I would have stayed in touch with him when he was away, and when he came home I wasn’t pregnant, it might have been different."

Maybe he would have eventually realized he was in love with me.

"But now, Evan"—I looked down—"it’s different. It’s going to be harder for us.

We hardly know one another, and now we have to be parents together. I don’t think Alex wants that."

"Jocelyn, you don’t know that. He’s just in shock."

"Look, you can’t speak for Alex. We’ll have to figure it out, but if Alex doesn’t want to be a part of all of this"—I put my hand on my stomach and almost lost my breath when I thought about raising a child completely on my own—"will you want to know this baby?"

"Joce," Evan whispered as he placed his hand over mine, "I’m always going to be here for you and this baby. You’re not ever gonna be alone."

"Okay." I sobbed. "Sorry I’m so hormonal."

He leaned in and kissed my cheek. "I love you, you know that."

"Love you too," I cried.

Why did those words come so easily for Evan and not for Alex?

After about a half an hour of convincing Evan I’d be fine by myself, he left. Max had the late shift and wouldn’t be home for a few more hours. I took a long, relaxing shower and slipped into Alex’s Yale shirt, which hardly fit over my stomach these days, and a pair of flannel pajama bottoms.

I was emotionally drained. I knew coming face to face with Alex wouldn’t be easy, but I didn’t think it would end with me storming out. Rationally, I knew he didn’t want me to give up our baby, but it hurt hearing him suggest the option. Everything was all so new to him. He hadn't even been home a full day and he'd been hit with fatherhood. I had to give him time to figure out what he wanted.

I smiled when I thought back to how he held me and tried to keep me warm in Jack’s study earlier in the evening. It felt so right, and I wished I would’ve told him how much the baby moved every time he spoke. And it wasn’t just in the study, either.

When we lay together in his bed, the baby kicked and was the most active I’d ever felt him. I'd wanted to tell Alex, but things went downhill so fast.

"You know your daddy, don’t you?" I rubbed my stomach. "I know he loves you, he just has to."

I tried to sleep, but I couldn’t stop crying. Alex was home, and he knew about the baby. But I was in no better position than when he wasn’t home and didn’t know. I always thought I wouldn’t force him into a life with me. He didn’t have to be with me, but I hoped he’d want to be in his child’s life. His parents and Evan wanted to play a role in my baby’s life, and I welcomed them. I was relieved that my secret was out. It had been a long four months, keeping something this big this quiet.

I rolled over onto my side and finally drifted off, but I was suddenly pulled out of sleep by the sound of a light banging noise. I couldn’t figure out what it was, so I closed my eyes again, but it wouldn’t stop. After a few more minutes, I realized it was the front door.

It’s two in the morning.

I jumped up, thinking something happened to Max. I quickly ran down the steps and opened the door.

"Hello, dars-lin’," Alex said as he stood there smiling at me, leaning on Zack.

"Alex?" I was stunned; what was he doing there?

"Sorry, Jocelyn," Zack said. "He wouldn’t give me his keys until I agreed to take him here. I would’ve taken him right home, but I was afraid he would just get on the Harley and come here anyway."

"Jocey loves my Harley, don’t cha, bootiful?" Alex smiled at my stomach.

"Okay," Zack said. "Now you’ve seen her, we have to go."

"No." Alex pushed Zack aside and came through the door. "Isn’t she perfect?" He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled my back to his chest. "And look, that’s my baby in there."

"Alex," Zack said, "let’s let Jocelyn get her rest now. You can see her tomorrow."

Alex pushed my hair to one side and whispered in my ear, "Don’t make me leave."

He was incredibly drunk, and he reeked of beer and some other kind of alcohol, but those odors didn’t seem to bother me. I liked the feeling of his warm breath against my skin. I craved his touch.

"Zack," I said. "It’s okay, he can stay."

"I’m not sure the chief is gonna be real happy about this, sugar," Zack said. "I’m sure he already wants to string him up by his—" He cleared his throat. "He’s probably not too happy with Alex at the moment."

"He won’t be home for a while," I said as Alex kissed my neck.

"God, you smell so good," he whispered against my skin.

"I’ll call Evan and tell him to come and get him." The feel of his lips against my skin made me tingle all over. I hadn't felt that good in a long time.

"How about I just wait in my car?" Zack offered. "He’s gonna pass out soon, and I’ll bring him home."

"Okay." I nodded my agreement.

Zack headed back to his car, so I shut the door and turned around in Alex’s arms to face him.

"Hi’s." He smiled.

"Hi," I whispered back. "What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to see you," he said. "Been wantin’ to all night." He gently pushed me up against the door and kissed me hard and long, moving his hands up and down my arms, and then gripping my shoulders. My head spun as he continued to kiss me. After a minute or so, I felt like I might lose my balance from the lack of oxygen. It was a really good kiss.

"Mmm, Alex." I tried to pull away, but he wouldn’t let go. I placed my hands on his chest and pushed him. "I can taste so much alcohol in your mouth, you’re gonna intoxicate my baby."

"
Our
baby." He corrected me and pressed his forehead to mine. His vibrant green eyes were glazed over from the booze, but they somehow still managed to sparkle. He softly kissed my lips, but I could tell he was struggling to stand up.

I took his hand and led him to the couch. He sat down and pulled me into his lap, so I turned to face him.

"Alex." I sighed. "You shouldn’t be here."

"I had to see you," he said. "I wanted you to know."

"Know what?"

"I didn’t mean it." He gently kissed my lips. "I want my baby."

"We shouldn’t discuss this now; you don’t know what you’re saying," I said. "We can wait until you’re sober."

"I’m sayin’ what I know," he said insistently. "I’m drunk, but I know what I want.

I want you and her." He pointed to my stomach.

"Her?" I smiled.

"Well, you said I couldn’t call it an
it
," he said.

"No, you can’t."

"Jocelyn," he whispered. "Can I touch her?"

His question took me by surprise. No one but me had ever touched my stomach, well, except the doctor, and Evan came close earlier, but that was it. I was afraid if I let him, and then tomorrow he woke up and changed his mind, I’d be devastated.

"Please." He moved his hand to my hip.

I nodded.

He slipped his hand across my stomach and stopped when his palm lay dead center. He looked up and smiled at me. "Does she move?"

"Yeah." I smiled. "She’s asleep now, but that’s 'cause she’s tired 'cause she was so active at your house earlier."

"She was?" he asked, and I could tell how interested he was in what I was saying.

"Yeah, she moved a lot when we were in your bed."

He rubbed his hand over my stomach and said, "Well, maybe you should, I think, need to be in my bed more often." He was obviously having a harder time stringing words together so they made sense.

I couldn’t accept his intoxicated statements as promises. I needed him in his right mind before I would take anything he said seriously.

He leaned his head back on the sofa and closed his eyes. He was getting ready to pass out.

"Alex." I shook him.

"Hmm?" His eyes stayed closed, but his hand was still on my stomach.

"I’m gonna go get Zack now," I told him.

"Nah," he mumbled. "I wanna stay here with you."

"You can’t," I said. "I don’t think it’ll be good for either of us if Max comes home and finds you here, passed out on his couch."

"Max loves me." He smiled. "I watch sports, I went to Yale, and I drink beer. I’m perfect."

He started breathing heavily, and a few seconds later, the sound of his soft snores filled the room. I smiled and placed my hand over his, gently pressing it against my stomach.

I stayed like that for a few minutes, hoping when Alex was sober he’d still feel the same way he did tonight. I placed a few soft kisses along his jaw, before going to get Zack to take him home.

After Zack left with Alex, I couldn’t fall asleep. It was as if my brain just wouldn’t shut down. Alex wasn’t in his right mind, but I'd hoped the fact that he came to my house meant he wanted to be with me. He said he wanted me, wanted us, but I was afraid to believe him.

The next day dragged on forever. I worked at the coffee shop, and my body ached everywhere. My feet were swollen, my back felt like someone was constantly kicking me, and now I had this pain that shot down my butt and radiated all the way down my leg.

When I came home from work, Max informed me Sarah had called him and wanted to work things out. He was afraid the Jordans would try to take over, but I assured him that was just Sarah. She was a caring mom who wanted to make everything okay for her kids. If taking care of me meant Alex would be happy, then she would do it.

Max seemed relieved Sara'd mentioned child support. He was looking for a handout, but he was big on responsibility, especially after Liz just picked up and left me. He felt that if Alex didn’t want to stay with me, he should still be a part of the baby’s life and be financially responsible for the child's needs. We had to discuss all of these issues, but the idea of child support and visitation made me feel uneasy. It meant, to me, at least, that Alex and I wouldn’t be together, and he was establishing his rights as a father. I didn’t need any legal documents to prove he was the dad, and I would never keep him or his family away from our baby. But because of the circumstances, establishing some kind of boundaries made sense. I just hoped we didn’t need visitation.

After listening to Max for ten minutes, I decided I couldn’t take any more. My eyes were practically closed before I got up the steps. I collapsed onto the bed and fell into a deep sleep, something I always did after a long shift, but I usually didn’t sleep long. I’d slip into an uncomfortable position, and then thoughts of me rolling onto my stomach would scare me. Then I’d be fully aware that I had to be conscious of my sleep positions, which would then make me restless. I tossed and turned, trying to get into a comfortable place, but my mind was racing with thoughts of Alex and how he wanted to touch my stomach. He'd had the sweetest look on his face before he passed out.

I continued to fight my discomfort, slipping in and out of sleep, but it just wasn’t working. I felt someone sit on the bed with me, but I was afraid to open my eyes.

Could I be dreaming?

I shifted again and tried to quiet my mind, but then I felt a hand run through my hair.

It can't be. Open your stupid eyes, Jocelyn, and see for yourself. You’re dreaming.

There’s no way he’d be here in your bedroom.

He continued to caress my hair, and suddenly I felt calmer. I slowly opened my eyes, fully prepared to feel disappointed when I realized I was imagining his presence. I blinked a few times, but his image didn’t disappear.

"Alex?" I smiled.

"Hey, beautiful," he whispered. "Sorry if I woke you, but you looked uncomfortable."

"What are you doin’ here?"

"I spoke with Max."

"How’d that go?" I couldn't see any injuries, so that was a good sign!

"He’s not real happy with me, but I told him I’m home now, and I’ll be here for you."

I scooted into a seated position and leaned back against my headboard. I still couldn’t believe he was here. He kept staring at me and smiling.

"What?" I wanted to know what he was thinking.

"Nothing."

"How’s your head?"

"It’s pounding, but I deserve it. Sorry I came here and bothered you last night."

"You didn’t bother me," I said, assuring him.

"I hope I didn’t make too much of a fool of myself." He looked down at my stomach.

"Do you remember anything?" I ran my hand over my little baby.

Please remember, please remember!

"You let me touch your stomach." He smiled.

Yes!

"I’m sorry, but I don’t remember much after that," he said shyly. "I must have passed out."

"You did." I giggled. "Did it make you feel better?"

"Getting drunk?"

I nodded.

"No." He looked toward the window. "It was stupid and immature, and I shouldn’t have come here like that."

"Why did you?" There was a good chance he wouldn’t be able to answer that.

"I was really wasted by that point, but I had to see you," he told me. "Zack kept trying to talk me out of it, but I knew I hurt you with what I said at my house."

"I understand why you brought up adoption, but you have to understand that’s not what I want." He needed to know that wasn’t an option.

"I know, and it was insensitive of me to bring it up like that." He looked at my stomach again. "This baby has been a part of you for six months."

I nodded, but I wasn’t being fair, either. "You only just found out, and I should have listened to what you were thinking. Finally having you here and telling you what’s been going on was overwhelming, and when you asked if I’d considered adoption, well, I thought that . . . ." I didn’t want to finish; I still wasn’t sure how he felt.

"You thought I didn’t want this baby," he said.

"Do you?" I had to know. I figured it was better to know than to keep hoping for something that could never be. Hearing how he really felt was the only way I could move on.

He gently pressed his palm to my cheek and nodded.

"Oh," I whispered. His confirmation broke open the floodgates, and before I could control my emotions, I started to sob.

"Jocelyn," he whispered as he pulled me into his chest. "I said I wanted to keep the baby."

I heard the panic in his voice, but I cried anyway. "I know," I sobbed. "I just thought . . . ." I couldn’t stop crying, so he held me while I let it all out. I was mentally exhausted.

He rubbed my back and tried to calm me with reassurances that he wouldn’t leave me.

"Jocelyn," he said as he stroked my cheek, "I want to be here for you. I can be whatever you need. You shouldn’t be doing this alone."

"I wanted to tell you," I cried. "Really, I did, but you were so far away, and then when I heard what you told Evan when he thought Cali was pregnant, I panicked."

"Evan told you what I told him?"

"He didn’t know I was pregnant, and he was telling me how wonderful you were through it all, but you told him the baby was a complication he didn’t need and a huge responsibility."

"And that was true," he said. "In Evan and Cali’s case. I wasn’t speaking for us."

"What makes us different?"

"I’m older than Evan, so I can provide for my child. I’m in a better position."

"But I’m not."

"You can do whatever you want to do, Jocelyn." He released me and sat back, holding my gaze with his. "Just because you’re having a baby doesn’t mean your life is over. You have me, and I have very supportive parents. You can start college as soon as you’re ready."

"I don't think that's gonna happen." I had too many other responsibilities now.

"No, your life isn't over," he said again. "We’ll work it out if you want to go."

"I can’t really think about that now," I said. "I have so many other things to decide." I liked the idea of having the option of attending college later, but right now, I couldn't deal with the idea.

"What can I help you with?"

"I’m just happy you’re here and you know," I said. "It’s a huge relief. I thought you’d be really mad."

"I’m not mad you’re pregnant," he said. "You didn’t get that way by yourself, but I’m still a little disappointed you waited so long to tell me."

"I know," I said. "But I can’t change that. All I can say is I was doing what I thought was right at the time. I still don’t expect anything from you. I know I made a big decision for both of us, but I can take responsibility for this."

"That makes me mad," he said. "We can’t go back, so I’m not gonna dwell on that anymore, but the part about you not expecting anything from me . . . . Why would you think I’d walk away from this?"

"We weren’t together that long," I whispered.

"No, we weren’t," he said. "But didn’t you think I’d be man enough to handle this?"

"I knew you wouldn’t deny me, but I didn’t want you to leave Connecticut because you felt you had to. We talked all the time about that internship. I knew what it meant to you, to your future. I was wrong, but I wasn’t sure you . . . ."

I stopped, unwilling to mention the fact he'd never told me he loved me, that I had no idea whether he cared for me that much or not. And I sure as hell didn’t want to tell him that I loved him. I’d already thrown so much at him, and I wasn’t forcing any declarations out of him. He’d have to tell me when he was ready.

"What weren’t you sure about?" His tone reflected growing impatience.

"It doesn’t matter," I said. "You’re here now, and I hope you can forgive me, and we can move on."

"Just promise me we won’t have any more secrets," he said. "I want to be part of the rest of this pregnancy."

"I want that too." I smiled. "Sorry I lost it a few minutes ago. I do that a lot these days."

"It’s okay." He stroked my cheek again. "Let’s see if we can stop making that happen so much. I want you to be happy."

"I’m just so afraid," I said, but it was nice being able to talk to him about these things.

"I’m a little scared myself. I’ve never been in this position before. I mean, a baby, that’s really big."

"Tell me about it," I said on a yawn.

"I shouldn’t have woken you," he said. "I can go, so you can sleep."

"No!" I just got him back, and I wasn't ready for him to leave, but I didn't want to come across as needy, either. "I mean, if you have to go, I understand."

"I don’t have to go anywhere," he said. "But maybe you should sleep."

He moved onto my bed and pulled me to his side. "You looked so uncomfortable before," he said. "How can I help?"

"Maybe, if I . . . ." I shifted, rolled onto my side, and threw my leg over his hip.

"That seems to take the pressure off my stomach. I usually do it with the pillow, but it seems to work better with you."

"Okay." He smiled. "Whatever works for you." He stroked my hair and kissed the top of my head.

I’d waited so many nights for him to hold me like this. I didn't realized how much I needed him to touch me. This was the emotional connection I'd been missing during my whole pregnancy. Things weren’t perfect, I knew that. We had a long way to go before we worked everything out, but he was there and that was a start.

"He’s moving." I smiled.

"Now?"

I nodded.

He slowly moved his hand down my hip, but stopped before he got to my stomach. "Can I?" he whispered.

"Yes." I smiled up at him. "I want you to feel him."

"It could be a she, you know?" He grinned and gently placed his hand over my abdomen. We waited a few seconds, and then the baby kicked.

"Did you feel that?"

"Yeah! That’s really cool." His face lit up, clearly reflecting his joy. "Maybe we have a soccer star in there?" The baby moved again, and Alex’s smile widened. "I could do this all night."

"You may get your chance." I yawned again. "He’s not gonna settle down anytime soon." My eyelids fluttered.

"Sleep now," he whispered. "I’ll stay for a while."

"Okay," I mumbled, but I couldn’t fight my sleepiness, and I felt much calmer with Alex there. Moments later, I drifted off.