Jocelyn's Choice (15 page)

Two dozen yellow roses? Was he out of his mind? One dozen would have been more than enough.

I placed the vase in the center of the kitchen table and re-read the card that came with them. And, just like the first time I read it when the flowers were delivered a few minutes ago, I smiled.

Remember?

That was all it said, but that was all it needed to say.

My graduation night was filled with so many perfect memories. I thought back to when I saw his gorgeous face in the crowded gym, how he picked me up and kissed me, and then we were interrupted by Max. I recalled how he brought me to his house, and Sarah introduced me to all of her guests as his girlfriend. I laughed when I remembered Alex getting jealous over Evan flirting with me. I thought back to the gazebo and when he told me about the research project and how he wanted to come home after the internship because he had something to come home to. Then, of course, his bedroom. He was a man possessed, and I didn’t think I had ever been more turned on than I’d been that night. He claimed me, and I loved every second of it. For the first time in my life, I'd felt like a woman.

I couldn’t help but get a little sad when I thought about how things were so wonderful then and how they had all changed so quickly. Right now, we should be together. Alex was home from the internship, and we should’ve been starting a new life together, just the two of us as we’d planned that night in his backyard. But everything turned complicated. I wasn’t sure if we were even a couple anymore.

I'd hurt him. It was stupid of me to pull away from him the way I did. Bad enough I didn’t tell him about the baby right away, but I should’ve stayed in touch with him instead of putting him through all of that unnecessary worry. I had my reasons, and at the time, I thought it was for the best. Alex was being so good with me these past few days, but I wanted to feel that heat, like before. I wanted him to want me the way he did before I was pregnant.

I wanted to be with him. I was in love with him and having his baby. He cared for me, and I didn’t doubt he wanted the baby, but I wasn’t sure if he wanted to be with me. He’d only been home a short time, and he had enough on his mind; I didn’t think discussing our relationship was what he needed, on top of everything else. I wasn’t sure he could handle it.

For the time being, I decided I’d take what I could get and him spending the evenings with me, holding me and feeling my stomach, was more than I could’ve hoped for a few months ago. I could wait for him to admit his feelings.

What choice do I have?

I wouldn’t force the issue. If I did, I might never know if his feelings were genuine. I didn’t want to ask him how he felt and put him on the spot. He was already being so careful with me and my irrational feelings as it was. I didn’t want him to say something he thought I wanted to hear just to avoid a pregnancy-induced meltdown.

"Where did those come from?" Max asked as he got ready to leave for work.

"Alex." I smiled. "They just got delivered."

"They must have cost a fortune."

Yes, they probably did, but no one had ever sent me flowers before, and I was enjoying them.

"Doesn’t he know we have other expenses to think about? He shouldn’t be wasting his money on frivolous stuff."

Didn’t Max know I was tired, sad, and worried? And getting flowers from Alex totally made my day?

"I mean really, Jocelyn." Max frowned. "Even you would agree this is excessive and irresponsible."

I nodded and tried to hold back the tears, but it was too late.

"Oh crap," he grumbled. "Please don’t do that. I’m sorry. The flowers are pretty."

"Sorry," I sobbed. "It’s just getting these flowers today made me feel special."

"You are special," he said.

I roughly wiped the tears from my eyes, embarrassed over how easily I got upset.

"So, you and Alex back together?" He was trying hard not to hurt my feelings and make me cry again. He feared the pregnancy-induced meltdowns just as much as Alex did.

"I don’t think so," I said. "We haven’t really discussed that."

"He’s been here every night since he's been back, in your bedroom." He frowned again.

"I know you don’t like that, but you do know we’ve already had sex, right?

That’s how I got this way."

"Oh God," he said. "Please."

"Sorry." I smiled. "I like having him here with me. He helps me fall asleep, plus, when we lie there at night, the baby moves, and Alex really likes that. It’s his way to bond with our baby. He's already missed so much. So, could you please lay off him when he comes up to bed with me?"

"Hey, I think I’m being more than generous," he said. "I didn’t shoot him when he showed up here the other day, did I? And now I let him go to your room and snuggle up in your bed every night. What more do you want?"

"I want you to let him sleep here all night," I said, figuring the answer was always
no
unless you asked.

"No!" He shook his head. "Not happening."

"I’m having a baby with him." I reminded him. "It’s not like we’re doing anything inappropriate upstairs."

"Not anymore." He sighed. "Look, I have to work nights this week, so he can stay when I’m not here, but if I’m home, he doesn’t sleep in your bed. Please, spare me that?"

"Thanks, Dad." I smiled, hopped up, and kissed his cheek.

"Okay," he said. "I have to go to work, but Anna wanted me to remind you that we’re having Thanksgiving dinner with them, unless you’re eating with the Jordans?"

I always had Thanksgiving dinner with Max, and besides, Alex hadn’t mentioned what he was doing for the holiday.

"No." I shook my head. "Of course I’m eating with you."

"Good." He kissed the top of my head. "Maybe we ought to start crib shopping this weekend? That little one will need a place to sleep."

"Sure." I was hoping I wouldn’t have to think about that already, but three months would fly by, and Max was right, the baby needed a place to sleep. It made me sad to think I wouldn’t be able to give my baby a nursery with all the fancy bedding and furniture. The best I could do was the corner of my own room, but at least my little one would be close by. Maybe Alex would want to come over some nights and stay with us.

After Max left for work, I cleaned up the dinner dishes and took a shower. I was tired, but I knew Alex would be there soon, so I folded laundry and tidied up while I waited. A few minutes later, he was at the door.

"Hi." I smiled as I let him in.

"Hey." He entered and leaned down to quickly kiss my cheek.

I continued to smile, not wanting him to see how disappointed I was with such a loser greeting. I wanted more than a quick peck on the cheek, but I wasn’t sure if he did.

The last time he really kissed me was when he showed up drunk and pressed me up against the door.
That
kiss made my head spin.
That
was what I wanted from him, but again, I wasn’t going to force his hand.

"I got the flowers," I told him. "They’re beautiful."

"They reminded me of you." He smiled.

We went to the family room and sat on the couch. Alex pulled my legs into his lap and began gently rubbing my aching feet.

"How did you know I needed that?"

"Had a feeling." He grinned as he continued to work his magic on my sore, swollen feet. "Where’s Max?"

"Working." I closed my eyes and relaxed under his touch.

"Night shift?"

"Hmm . . . ." If he kept up the massage, I’d be asleep in a few minutes. He was now forgiven for the less-than-electrifying greeting.

"I don’t want you to stay here alone; maybe you should come to my house," he said.

"That’s not necessary."

"Yes, I think it is," he said, a little louder than called for. "I don’t like the idea of you being all alone. What if you need something? My father’s a doctor, and he could be of assistance. If you’re worried about sleeping in my room, you could have the guest room, but my parents wouldn’t care if you shared my bed."

"That’s very nice of you, but—"

"Please don’t argue this point with me too," he said. "I’m insisting."

"You don’t need to insist!" He was ruining a perfectly good massage. "Max already said you could stay with me while he’s at work."

"Really?"

"If you want to," I said. "But you don’t have to."

"I want to, but my bed is bigger." He smiled.

"But Brenna and Julia are always at your house, and I don’t have the energy to deal with their shit."

"Jocelyn." He sighed. "I know they weren’t nice to you, but eventually you’ll have to come to my house."

"I know, but not tonight," I said. "I’m just not ready to spend the night there."

Brenna would make it very uncomfortable for me. I hadn’t seen her or Julia since our run-in at the mall, and that was before they knew the baby was Alex’s. They’d have a field day with me now.

"I’ve spoken to Julia and explained to her there won’t be a future for us."

Yes!

"You didn’t have to do that," I told him.

"Yeah, I did," he said. "I should never have told her we’d try when I got back from Connecticut. That was never what I wanted."

"Well, I hope she understood."

"She wasn’t happy, and she yelled at me for leading her on, but once she figured out I didn’t plan on giving up my child, she backed off. As for my sister, well, I don’t really care what she thinks."

"That’s not true," I said. "Your family is too close. I know it bothers you, the way she treats me."

"I told her that," he said. "And while she’s not thrilled that you’re pregnant, she’ll get over it. She knows how much you mean to me."

"She does?"

I wish
I
knew.

"We’ll stay here this week, but the next time your dad works nights, we can revisit the idea of you coming and staying with me."

"We’ll see." I smiled, knowing he wouldn’t argue with me any further.
Pregnancy
has some advantages.

He shook his head and continued to rub my feet. We were quiet for a few minutes, but I wanted to ask him about tomorrow. I just wasn’t sure how he’d feel.

"You’re all tense again," he said. "What is it?"

"Umm," I stuttered. "I . . . I wanted to ask you something."

"Sure, anything."

"Tomorrow is my next ultrasound, and I was wondering if you wanted to take me."

"Yeah," he said. "It’s supposed to snow tonight, so I’d be happy to give you a ride."

"Um, yeah, I’d like for you to drive me, but I was hoping you’d want to come in with me and see the baby on the monitor."

"You want me to come with you?" he asked. "Inside the exam room?"

"Yes, why wouldn’t I?" I asked. Why did he seem so surprised? "You’re just as much a part of this as I am."

"I know." He looked away, as if he were trying to stop himself from saying anything else. He seemed to do that a lot lately.

"Just say what you’re thinking," I said. "It’s better that way. Then I don’t guess."

"I just didn’t expect you to ask me, that’s all."

"Why?"

"Joce, you haven’t been very forthcoming with this pregnancy." He stopped rubbing my feet, stood up, and paced the room. "I think I’m just confused."

"About?"

"My place in all of this." He gazed out the window. "I don’t want to upset you, but I’m still having a hard time accepting that you kept this from me. I’m trying to get past it, and then when you say things like, 'You're just as much a part of this as I am', well, it’s a little frustrating."

"I apologized for keeping it from you," I said. "I was wrong, but I didn’t know how to tell you. I didn’t want you to feel obligated."

"You didn’t give me a chance to feel obligated," he said, and hurt laced his words.

"Alex, I made a mistake. I’m not perfect, but I want you to be here and involved in the rest of this pregnancy. I switched clinics so your dad could be more involved, and I let your mom help me pick my new physician. I’m trying. I swear I am."

"I know." He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "I’m sorry. I just need to come to terms with what happened. I've only been back a week."

"And you’ve been wonderful under the circumstances." I patted for him to come and sit with me. He walked over, sat down, and took my hand. "Most guys would’ve run in the opposite direction if they found out they got a teenage girl pregnant."

"I’m not most guys," he said. "I’d hoped you’d see that by now."

"I do," I whispered. "Tomorrow’s your birthday."

"Oh, yeah, I kinda forgot." He smiled.

"I can’t get you much." The man just spent a small fortune on flowers that were going to die in a few days, and I couldn’t afford to get him a present. But I hoped coming with me to the appointment would make up for that.

"You’re already giving me a present." He glanced down at my stomach.

"I know, but I made the appointment for tomorrow on purpose."

"Did you?" He grinned.

"I was hoping we could find out the sex of the baby." I bit my bottom lip. "I mean, if you want to."

"The suspense is killing me." He laughed. "That would be the best present ever."

"Then you’ll come?" I asked, just to be certain.

"I wouldn’t miss it." He pulled me closer to him. "Thank you for including me."

"I know I hurt you," I whispered. "I’m sorry."

"I know you are," he said as he stroked my hair. "Just give me some time, okay?"

"I can do that."

I didn’t have a choice. I knew what I’d done to him, and he didn’t turn his back on me or freak out. Ever since the night he found out about the pregnancy, he’d been there. He was trying to support me, and that was all I could ask for.

Our baby was lucky to have him. And so was I.

Alex followed me into the exam room and waited patiently for the technician to come in and start the ultrasound. I lay quietly on the table, but I was fidgeting and having a hard time focusing.

"Are you cold?" He rubbed my arm. "You’re shivering."

"I just get nervous when I have any kind of exam, and this is nerve-wracking because they could find something wrong with the baby."

"You’re healthy, and so is our little one," he said, voice firm. "This is a happy exam. We’re going to get to see her."

"Or him." I smiled. "Will you be disappointed if it’s a him?"

"Of course not. As long as she’s healthy, it doesn’t matter."

"I’m just glad we’ll know for sure, and then we can pick out a name," I said. "Do you have any in mind?"

"No." He shook his head. "I haven’t thought that far ahead. You?"

"No," I said. "I wanted to wait for you to come home."

The technician walked into the room and introduced herself. She hardly glanced at me; she couldn’t seem to take her eyes off Alex. I briefly panicked, the crazy thought she might’ve been a one-night hook up for him, but he didn’t seem to know her. I tried to ignore her blatant attempt to eye him; I was just anxious for her to start.

I pulled up my shirt, and Alex was immediately mesmerized. He’d been placing his hands on the tiny bump for the past few nights, but that was over my shirt. This was the first time he’d seen it in the flesh, so to speak.

His baby is in there!

I smiled at him, but then my cheeks burned as I realized he stared at my exposed stomach.

"It’s adorable," he whispered.

The tech stared at him with a puzzled look on her face. "You didn’t attend her first ultrasound?" she asked, as she looked over my chart. She was probably searching for my marital status.

"No, I was at school."

Not that it's any of her business.

"What school did you go to?" she asked, and her smile suddenly seemed to get brighter.

"Yale."

"Wow!" she said. "You must be really smart."

"He is," I said. "I hope the baby has his brains." I looked at her innocently, but I was letting this twit know in no uncertain terms he was the father of my child.

"Can we get started?" Alex asked.

"Anxious, Mr. Andrews, is it?" she asked, as she spread the sticky gel over my bump. At least it was heated.

Now she's fishing for his relationship status!

"Actually, it’s Alex Jordan, and yes, I really want to see my baby on that monitor." He winked at me, and I let out a soft giggle. I didn’t realize how much I missed laughing.

"Jordan? As in Dr. Jack Jordan?" She quickly switched on the monitor and placed the paddle on my stomach.

"He’s my father," he said. "And I’m sure, as the Chief of Staff, he’d love to hear what a great job this department is doing. He may pop in to see how we’re progressing."

She ignored his last comment and took the measurements of the baby. She probably realized she needed to be doing her job if the Chief of Staff walked in.

Alex grinned and stared at the monitor. His eyes were full of joy, and, for the first time since he’d come home, he seemed genuinely happy.

"Do you see the little heart bopping up and down?" I asked. "That’s my favorite part."

He nodded, and I knew he was feeling exactly the same way I felt at my first ultrasound. The experience was beyond anything I could have imagined. There was a life in there. One we created together.

"You’re right on target for a February fourteenth baby," the tech said. "But that’s just an estimate since babies come when they want."

"It’s remarkable," he whispered.

Alex asked as more questions than I had my first time; he apparently wanted to know as much as I did about our little miracle. I was glad he was there, because he asked things I wouldn’t have thought of asking.

He counted the fingers and the toes, got a good look at all the organs, and checked that the spine was intact.

"You know an awful lot about the anatomy of a fetus," the tech said. "Are you a doctor?"

"Practically." I spoke for the first time in a while. "I told you he was really smart."

"Do you want to know the sex?" she asked. "Although I have a feeling Mr. Jordan already knows."

"I have a strong feeling about it, but I’d rather have you confirm it for us." He smiled.

"I want to know!" I squeaked. "I can hardly tell what I’m looking at."

"You and Alex are having a baby girl." She smiled, and she didn't seem so interested in my man anymore.

"A girl?" My eyes widened. "A little girl?" I stared at the monitor, trying to confirm for myself.

I looked up at Alex’s tear-filled eyes. I was sure, like me, it didn’t really matter either way, but now that we knew, it was surreal. I kept imagining a smaller version of myself wrapping her daddy around her tiny finger.

He's done for.

"Are you happy?" I whispered, tears sliding down my face.

"So happy, baby." He smiled and kissed my forehead. "A girl is perfect."

I reached up and wiped the tears from his eyes with my thumb. "She’s gonna love her daddy."

How couldn’t she?

The conversation during the car ride home was eerily one-sided. I kept going on and on about princesses and pink butterflies. I’d never been much of a girly girl, but now that I was having a girl, I was kinda excited.

We parked in the driveway and walked up to my porch. The weather was unseasonably mild for November, so we sat on the porch swing and watched the neighborhood kids play kickball in the street.

"Is everything okay?" I asked. "You’ve been really quiet since we left the hospital."

"I was just thinking," he said. "So much has changed since I left last July. I never expected to come back and find out I was gonna to be someone’s father."

"Oh," I whispered. Of course, the bubble was gonna burst.

Why do I think I have any right to be happy?

"Joce." He took my hand. "I made a mistake. A big one."

I don’t want to hear it!

"You know what, Alex," I said. "It’s okay. I understand."

"No, you don’t," he said. "You have no idea."

"You don’t owe me anything. I just hope you’ll stay in her life." I looked down and rubbed my hand over my stomach. "I want her to have two parents."

"What?"

"It was hard growing up with only one," I said. "I want better for her."

"Of course she’ll have two parents," he said. "Why would you think I’d walk out now?"

"You said you made a mistake, so I just figured you didn’t want to hang around me." I looked down again, but he tilted my chin so I was forced to look into those piercing green eyes. Every time I looked at the man, I knew he was all I’d ever want.

"I made the mistake before I left."

"We both did that, and I don’t consider her a mistake anymore." Now he was making me angry.

"Stop it," he said. "Please stop assuming the worst, and let me finish."

I nodded, still not wanting to hear what he had to say, but it was better to let him get it out, and then we could move on.

"I didn’t tell you exactly how I felt when I left for the internship, and then when you pulled away, I still didn’t man up. If I would’ve told you what I was feeling, I could’ve saved you all the stress and worry over telling me about the baby."

"I just didn’t want to be a responsibility for you," I said. "I feel awful for going about this the way I did."

"First of all, you’re not, and never have been, an obligation or a responsibility to me. I want you just as much as I want our daughter. You’re a package deal for me. The thought of losing you drives me insane."

"I know you care about me."

"You do?" He appeared obviously relieved.

I nodded. "But sometimes it’s hard for me to know how much. You do so many nice things for me, but then you don’t always express what you’re feeling."

"I know." He twirled a strand of my hair around his finger. "I’ve made some big mistakes with you, but only because it was all new to me. I didn’t realize it at first, but I swear I knew before I left for that internship. I just didn’t recognize it then."

He leaned in and softly pressed his lips to mine. "You mean everything to me."

Before he could say anything else, I threw my arms around his neck and eagerly kissed him back.

"I know you’re afraid." I kissed him again. "I was scared too, but Alex, I know what you’re trying to say. I can feel it."

"You can?" He smiled.

"Yes, and I love you too." I was putting myself out there, but when I saw his face in that exam room, I knew he was feeling the same way I was. I just needed him to admit it.

"Jocelyn, I love you so much, and I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, sweetheart." He pulled me into another kiss, running his hands through my hair and then stopping to look in my eyes. "I should’ve told you before I left, and then you wouldn’t have been afraid to tell me about our baby."

"I wouldn’t have wanted you to tell me, if you weren’t sure."

"I wanted to tell you when I came back. I had every intention of coming home and tracking you down, but then I was afraid you’d think I was telling you because you were pregnant."

"I probably would have." I laughed. "I seem to make a habit out of assuming the wrong thing."

"Hmm . . . ." He shook his head. "That's an understatement." He took my hand and placed it over his heart. "When I thought you’d moved on, I almost lost my mind. I had to stop myself three times from getting on a plane and coming back here to make you see how much I loved you. I didn’t want to force myself on you; you were young, and I thought you needed your space. I want to make you proud of me, Jocelyn. I want to be a good father to our little girl, and I want to be the man you’ll love forever."

I couldn’t hold back the tears. Not only did he want our baby, but he wanted me too.

He laughed as he wiped the tears from my cheeks. "My hormonal girl."

"It’s just I’ve been waiting for you to tell me how you’ve felt, and now that you have, I feel so relieved. You’ve been great about everything these past few days, but I doubted your feelings for me. There was no doubt in my mind about you wanting her."

I took his hand and placed it on my stomach. "But I was scared once she was born, I’d lose you."

"You’re never gonna lose me," he whispered. "I’m gonna take care of my girls for the rest of my life."

"Good, 'cause we need you." I rested my head against his chest.

We sat in silence for a few minutes. I was letting it all sink in. I finally knew how he felt, and it was such a relief. We had a long way to go, so much to learn about one another, and then there was the obstacles that came with having a baby so early on in our relationship. But now that I knew he loved me, it all seemed possible.