JR (51 page)

—Look David you, nobody always wins, every time you play you can't expect…

—No but you peeked.

—There's the doorbell, listen. Do you want to answer it?

—No.

—Maybe it's Jack, don't you want to go open the door for Jack?

—No.

—Tom… ?

—Come on help me up, then we'll come back and finish the game.

—No. You peeked.

—Tom it's a policeman, she came on ahead —David … and she held him aside in a stare that dropped from the height of the badge peaked on the cap to the holstered gun swept past his face toward the windows.

—We're just checking your building.

—Yes but what…

—Nobody here went out a window?

—Out a, what? What do you mean.

—David come along now.

—Out a, David go with your mother. What do you mean out a window.

—We got a call somebody might have fell or jumped.

—Here? But who, but wait a man? Was it a man?

—That's what we're trying to find out Mister, why. You know a man here that might have went out a window?

—He, but no, no I know… no. No what makes you think …

—Look down there, see where the pipes of that awning frame's all bent down there? We got a call there's somebody on the sidewalk out front here, see the blood on the sidewalk down there? by where that car fender's dented there? We get here but there's no body down there, just that awning frame bent like that and where that car fender's…

—No, no but listen a friend of mine, a friend of mine was here and he's, he just left, he just got out of Bellevue and he's, he left a few minutes ago but I'd talked him out of it, I'd just talked him out of it.

—Out of what.

—Out… out of this.

—He lives in the building here?

—No he lives uptown he, that's where he was going and I'd…

—After you and him talked you didn't leave him alone here?

—No I went to the, Christ look do you think I wouldn't know it if he'd…

—Okay don't get excited, he went out the door? What about out by the elevator in the hall there, there's a window there?

—Yes but he …

—You saw him go down the elevator?

—No but, no the God damned thing's broken he …

—You know where he lives, we'll take a ride up there.

—That's where he was going yes but, yes so he couldn't have done this, he'd be, still be down there on the sidewalk … He came crowding the uniform down the hall before him, —Marian when Jack gets here tell him…

—Yes I heard, she came after them.

—We'll ride up and have a look. People can do some funny things.

—And Tom… ?

The door slammed and she turned, more slowly, to the kitchen, to the ice floating in the ice tray, and rinsed a milk glass.

—Mama?

—I'm coming, she called, unscrewing a cap, shaking a pill into her hand.

—Mama hurry…

—Yes I'm coming David. She poured the drink and came back up the hall with it. —David come away from the window.

—Mama Papa's getting in the police car. Look!

—Yes, come get your pajamas David. He'll be back.

—Where are they taking him. Mama where are they taking him.

—He'll be back in a little while David, come get your pajamas.

—Can I stay up till he comes back?

—We'll see now, get your pajamas, if you hurry I'll finish the game Papa started with you.

—I don't want to.

—David don't climb in the laundry, what do you want to do then.

—Read.

—All right, if you promise to get into pajamas right afterward. Now where's your book.

—Here … he surfaced thrashing from the sheets —we were here, he said holding it open.

—Right here?

—Here, he burrowed in beside her, the delicate black crescent of a nail on Nana.

—Nana had filmy eyes, David be careful of my glass. Nana had filmy eyes, but all she could do was to put her paw gently on her mistress's lap. They were sitting thus when Mister Darling came home from the office. He was tired. Won't you play me to sleep on the nursery piano? he asked. And as Mrs Darling was…

—Why does he want to sleep on the nursery piano?

—No, he just wants her to play him something that will make him feel…

—Mama?

—What is it.

—Mama if God called you doesn't that mean he would have to kill

you first?

—David I explained that to you. That was just your teacher's way of trying to explain to the class why the little Priftis girl's seat is always empty now. You know she was a very sick little girl, and Miss Duffy used to teach in the parochial school so she…

—Mama?

—What David.

—I hope he doesn't call me.

—David he's not going to call any of us … Suddenly she had him close. —Do you love me?

—Yes.

—How much?

—Some money… ? She was holding him so when the doorbell sounded. —Is it Papa?

—Or Jack.

—Jack! he broke free, and down the hall to work at the door lock. — Mama? Mama it's Jack Mama. It's Jack.

—David, she came after him —don't climb David, don't…

—It's all right Marian… up! Watch your head David.

—David, Jack be careful, you…

—It's all right Marian just a, a little problem with a shoelace, he came steadying himself, dragging one foot slightly.

—And you've torn your pocket, David if you hold Jack's throat like that he can't breathe. Jack? Can you have a drink?

—Yes I've, don't mind, not so tight David, just been the guest of Seaman Third Class Stepnik, prefers vodka…

—Good, that's all we have. David that's enough now, get down and go get your pajamas.

—You said after we read, Mama you said…

—A
fter
you get into pajamas and pick up those shoes in the hall, she said dropping ice. —Jack and I want to talk for a minute.

—I just stopped down to pick up a key, isn't Tom here yet? key to Ninety-sixth Street, I have to go up there and look for that manuscript I…

—I'm sure, she said handing him the glass —hurry David, if you hurry you can come out and talk to Jack for a minute. She turned in the door.

—I hope you brought cigarettes?

—I was going to ask you the same thing, he said following her up the hall. —What happened to Tom I thought he'd be …

—That's what I want to talk to you about, she said rounding the sofa. She pulled the heap of laundry to the floor there, pushed the book aside and sat, at that end of it. —Jack. I'm going to leave Tom.

—Oh? He'd reached the windows, about to raise his glass, and he lowered it. —What's Tom's ah, what does Tom…

—I don't know.

—I mean have you told him?

—No.

He brought his glass up and drank half of it off. —Last I heard you were going to move, I thought he'd just rented a house for you up near the …

—For me? She raised her own glass and drank. —There's nothing I can do to help Tom anymore. Jack I'm doing this for him.

—And David?

—David?

—What about David.

—David will be with me of course, he'll be fine. Jack I can't live with someone I don't respect.

He stood looking into his glass for a moment and then finished it and put it on the sill and stood there looking down to the street and the sidewalk below. —Well, what do you want me to say, Marian.

—I thought you might…

—After a few drinks you used to work me over with your instant psychiatry, growing up without a father guilt feelings about my mother now you're going to do David the same favor?

—That's ridiculous, Tom will always be his father.

—Marian you don't know what the hell a father is.

—I'm not going to …

—A father is someone who's there, someone who…

—Jack I won't have him live that boy's life for him!

—Oh come on Marian, he turned, hands dropped into his pockets — you don't really know what you're, listen. I just had another round with that stale bitch who's got my daughter penned up out there in Astoria, destroying her inch by inch just, making sure nothing grows, biggest event in that kid's life is a trip to the dentist, Marian you don't know what a Christ awful mess everything turns into when these things happen, and it never…

—I think Tom and I …

—And it doesn't end. It doesn't end.

—I think Tom and I will be able to work things out in a more civilized way than you and…

—Marian listen! You don't commit murder in a civilized way! He picked up his glass and looked into it and put it down again. —Sure there are no cigarettes?

—No, Tom was getting some.

—Where is he, I thought he'd…

—Jack he goes into that room, he goes into that workroom of his every night and nothing ever comes out.

—You've hung on this long haven't you? aren't things just starting to break for him again? He's got this award coming his book's out again

in paperback, he's got…

—Do you think that helps? All he does is swear about splitting a five percent royalty with the publishers, he says the only reason they let somebody reprint it is so they can hang onto the rights themselves he doesn't even…

—Well what the hell Marian, that publisher's a fatuous bastard you know that, he's been sitting on that book for how many years? blubbering about his loyalty to it pretending it was what did he tell Tom? very much in print? when the only God damned place you could find it was a rare book dealer's for twenty dollars a copy after they'd remaindered practically the whole first edition? He didn't know anything about this new reprint till he saw one in a window and now it's bringing him some attention he …

—He what Jack, he what! He gets letters from Who's Who and invitations to read from his work, letters from editors and college girls and he just fights them off, he won't even…

—I know that, I know all that but he's going through a, just trying to readjust after nine years of …

—And what about me! What do you think those nine years have been like for me? You won't give me anything though, will you Jack. That Ninety-sixth Street tenement when you used to come up there for dinner and we had to wait for him to get his typewriter and papers off the card table so we could eat Jack he's still working on that play, he's still rewriting it and changing it and rewriting it he won't let go of it, he won't finish it because he's afraid to compete with himself, it's himself he's…

—Well look Marian what, as Freud said what the hell is it you want.

—Just a man who, who's happy with what he's doing.

—You're not asking much are you.

—Jack I can't respect a man who doesn't respect himself, do you know what he's like about this job? Do you think we ever talk about anything else? from the minute he comes in the door…

—How many husbands do you think come home from work all smiles come on Marian, it's the oldest God damned story there is putting up with the same crap day after day trying to make a living and then coming home to I've been slaving all day over a hot stove while you've been down in a nice cool sewer, he's just trying to pull this play together and make a decent living at the same time for you and…

—Yes you won't give me a thing will you! None of you will! How do you think it makes me feel, why do you think we don't go to parties anymore, because I have too much to drink? Yes why because all of you, you and his friends and these editors asking about his next great book shaking their heads admiring how hard he works to support us, me and David but what a tragedy for American literature how do you think that makes me feel! The great Thomas Eigen's talent being thrown away in a stupid job because he has to make a decent living for his wife and son he resents every bill he pays, the rent, nursery school he even resents that, paying David's nursery school and food, three lamb chops Jack, three lamb chops! A decent living standing in that kitchen looking down at that man with no hands and, no face, just a burn scar with holes in it and that coat to his ankles hiding from the wind in that fire exit screwing the cap off a bottle with his mouth and

holding it up between his wrists to …

—Marian listen! Listen you've talked about that man before it's, you just use him to, I don't know put up curtains or pull down the God damned shade you don't have to stand and stare at him but you, you use him to bring things down, like you talked about Schramm's accident as though he'd done it on purpose just to …

—Because all of you, all three of you the way you and Tom and, and Schramm the way you find excuses for each other's failures and I can't stand being one anymore I might have done something, nobody thinks of that do they I might have…

—There's your doorbell.

—Everybody's idea that I've kept Tom from his work by being a burden maybe he's kept me from mine, all these years I might have done something myself I might still if…

—Marian Christ, I just met a talented woman who's never been allowed to do anything and, is there any more vodka?

—Mama? Mama it's a man…

—I'll be right back, give me your glass.

His hands abruptly searched pockets as he turned back to the window, one to come up with matches, the other empty, and he returned the matches and stood there staring down at the sidewalk.

—Jack?

—David, oh. He turned to the somersault off the sofa's arm into the laundry heap. —I thought you were getting pajamas.

—Jack when the Chinese people look at television, are the people they see on television Chinese?

—Why of course, and the…

—Lift me up.

—Hold on.

—Higher, hi … what are you doing?

—Trying to see how you'd look on Chinese television.

—Would I be upside down? Why would I be upside down.

—Because you'd be on the other side of the world wouldn't you? Get into your pajamas I'll finish that game with you, were you playing with Mama?

—No. Don't drop me.

—Oh, she was playing by herself.

—No with Papa, before the policeman came.

—What policeman.

—The one that came and got him when he peeked. Jack?

—When he, what policeman, Marian… ?

—Do you know what I'd like to do Jack?

—What … he reached up to free his throat from an embrace suddenly so close he faltered.