JR (56 page)

—I said you could read that later! now…

—No but see I have to see what you said up there. Following a repast of fruit cup…

—That's all I said! now will you…

—No I'm almost to the bottom hey, roast turkey with giblet gravy accompanied by candle salad, the famed Union House specialty of pineapple ring with standing banana stuffed with peanut butter topped by marshmallow whip, Mister Bast accompanied by his hosts Mister and Mrs Hopper and son Bunky repaired to the basement of the former Masonic Temple to how come you repaired the basement of the…

—Will you give me that!

—Temple to enjoy selections rendered by the Eagle Mills Employees* Glee Club including Stout Hearted Men, their famed colored light rendition of God Bless America and the perennial favorite Okla hey!

—Well I said put it down! Now…

—Okay but you didn't need to rip it, I mean it ripped right through this picture of this here big brick boy it looks like a prison hey, what's this over here.

—That's where the offices are.

—How come if the mill's over here the office is way over here?

—Look I wasn't there when they built it, I don't…

—And like what's this here long thing with all these doors and hey is

this a train track? they've got a train there?

—They're just rusty tracks, and that's a garage.

—What do they need this tremendous garage for.

—They don't, they let the town keep all its trucks and snowplows there and…

—What's this big place over here where it says Eagles Visitors.

—It's where they play softball, now look…

—Who.

—The company softball team, they…

—That's these hometown Eagles? What does the company need a softball team for.

—Because they like softball! I had to sit through three games of softball, now look. These papers from Mister Hopper…

—But why should they get paid to play softball?

—Who said they got paid! They just play weekends and after work, now…

—Okay but it's on company property isn't it?

—Well what's wrong with…

—No but see that's the whole thing of when we sell everything off on this here leaseback deal, you know?

—No, I don't know! All I know is I told those people up there they didn't have to worry, you saw it right there in the paper, and now if you think you can…

—No but see all you do is you sell it then you lease it right back like, see that's why they call it leaseback.

—Well then why sell it in the first place, if you…

—Because that's what you do. See I read in this thing where you sell everything and lease it right back off the people you sold it to on this like ninety-nine years lease because I mean who cares what's going to happen in ninety-nine years, see so then you stay right in business and get to keep losing money just like before only now you have all this here cash. But see what I was just thinking was like why should we lease back this here ballfield and these garages and this whole building of all these here offices if we …

—Look if you sell people's offices how do you expect them to …

—No but see look … he pieced the paper together on the radiator top, —see instead of they're probably like running back and forth from the mills to the offices all the time and calling each other up on the telephone if we just move all their desks and stuff over here in the mills someplace then the office building and this here ballfield makes like this one parcel which then you…

—Look this is, this is ridiculous even if you really could do things like this, I just told you how they feel up there and…

—What, like they'd get pissed off if we sold their ballfield? So if we sell it to the bank let the bank let them play softball and like with these here garages, why should we pay taxes and leases and all so the town can keep some broken down trucks there, I mean let somebody else let

them. Like I mean selling something doesn't change it into something else and like if the bank won't let them play softball or park their trucks let them get pissed off at the bank, you know? he got a sneaker up on the radiator and started to work on a knot. —So anyway when we get all this here cash…

—And what makes you think anybody's going to give you all this cash you keep talking about is just as …

—No but see that's the thing because like even if they buy it off you for way under this book value of what it's worth see then they get this here real bargain and you get to subtract what they pay you from that and you get this whole other bunch of tax credits see which then you can…

—Look can't you understand? Just because you read about these things it doesn't mean you can just step in there and do them even if you could, you can't even if you could, you…

—How come?

—Because these are real people up there that's how come! A lot of them who owned the stock still can't believe it's not worth anything and even the ones who owned bonds, a lot of them are old and when they first bought the bonds it was almost like they were lending money to, to someone in the family. And the ones who work there, even if

you could sell their ballfield and put their offices in the mills how long do you think they'd…

—No but look hey I mean holy, I mean this isn't any popularity contest hey. Besides what could they do?

—Well they could, they could quit they could…

—Okay well then see we wouldn't have to fire anybody because that's mostly what costs so much anyway is all these here people, you know? See because if we could like get them out of there and get this here new machinery I read this thing where you get this new machinery which then you divide how long will it take to wear out into how much did it cost you which then you get to take that off taxes too see? Only the neat thing is see they let you like pretend it's going to wear out two or three times as fast so you're getting this big bunch of tax credits right off, they call it depreciated acceleration or something only the thing is you can't do it with people see so …

—Depreciated acceleration, you don't know what it means it doesn't mean anything, you…

—So why should I have to know exactly what it means? The contents of the portfolio came dumped abruptly to the radiator top —I mean why should we pay this here lawyer to know something if we already know it? and he stooped to the floor for an envelope smudged with penciled notes.

—Did you send away for him too?

—Didn't I tell you how we got him hey? See when I thought we might get screwed on …

—And will you stop saying we? I wasn't even…

—I know, I forgot to tell you how we got him, see I just read all these job ads in the Times till I found one of this company which sounded

real professional see so I copied it and put in my box number instead, this here Mister Piscator didn't you get this letter from him? Because this is just this here carbon copy he sent me of it when I told him on the telephone he should write all this stuff to you at the office because you were handling it there for me like this branch, you know? So when he says he can get all these figures on Eagle Mills off their accountants for those ideas you got me off that smartass broker with all the heads which hey I meant to tell you, you know he said I'd never see a nickel on this Alberta and Western debenture? Well right after they put out another one called series C I got this here interest payment on series B

if he's so smart. And like he told you Ace was like toilet paper the price of it just doubled right after this progress report that said they expect to pay this dividend and they offered me twenty cents a share which I only paid like ten for so I got this whole bunch more, I mean I'd like to know how many stocks he's got which their price doubles that quick boy. Anyway you didn't bring this here letter from Piscator?

—No I didn't even…

—Okay that's okay because I got this here copy, see so anyway remember where he says all this stuff about generating cash and lease- backs and hey look, see? Where it says accelerated depreciation? When I just said that you said it didn't mean anything?

—Well that's not what you said, you said…

—I did too, I said…

—No you didn't, you said something like…

—I did too.

—You … Somewhere behind him a toilet flushed. —Look, all of this is just…

—No no okay don't get mad, I mean look remember here where he says from premil, preliminary figures their net worth is in the neighborhood of eight hundred twenty-six mil, wait where's the dot, thousand rather, thousand dollars of which an estimated six hundred forty thousand dollars is in the net property account which once he sees these tax assessments and stuff you were supposed to get off Hopper…

—This is what I've been trying to give you for the last five minutes, here. Now will you…

—Hey is this stuff about this pension fund in here too hey? He tore open the soiled manila envelope —see because if Eagle Mills is so old this here pension fund ought to be real old too see so …

—Wait till you see your employees.

—What do you mean?

—I mean did it ever occur to you that a lot of them might be getting real old along with everything else?

—So what.

—So instead of accelerated depreciation and a whole bunch of tax

credits they're almost ready to retire and draw their pensions, what do you think a pension fund is for.

—Oh yeah … he wedged a sneaker into the radiator to shape a precarious lap where he shook out the papers, —I didn't think of that, see because we have to work something to like pry loose some cash like Piscator says here so we can…

—Stop it look what kind of a lawyer do you expect to get in the mail anyhow, these people who've worked all their lives for miserable wages so they can finally retire on a miserable pension and this, this Piscator thinks you can take that too?

—No wait hey, see that's not the…

—I don't want to hear it, just let me settle these expenses and get out of the whole idiotic…

—No but wait a second hey, I mean who's taking it off them? Because like what good is this here pension fund doing just sitting there if we can like put it to work for them to get this here acquisition, you know?

—No and I don't…

—Right here on the next page where he says about getting this acquisition of this here brewery.

—There's no brewery it's a textile mill, now look here's the list of expenses I …

—No it's this acquisition of it off these two old brothers in wait a second, Wisconsin or Minneapolis or someplace…

—No now stop, just stop for a minute! This, this whole thing has to stop somewhere don't you understand that?

—No but holy, I mean that's the whole thing Bast otherwise what good is this neat tax loss carryforward and all these here tax credits and all, I mean that's all Eagle is and see where Piscator says here Eagle probably has this here limited charter so they can't buy this brewery

but if the pension fund could like buy the brewery stock and the dividends could go right in it and cut down what the company has to put in see then we…

—Stop it! Look aren't things in enough of a mess with a broken down textile mill without getting into a broken down brewery?

—What do you mean broken down! I mean holy, I mean you sound like you didn't hardly read this at all I mean they have these earnings of like a million dollars a year look, and where it says two million dollars in excess working capital see? where the asking price is five, seven two

six, one three…

—But five that's, look that's five million, that's five million dollars! It's just, even if it wasn't just numbers on paper do you think there's five million dollars in the whole town of Union Falls?

—I know see that's why we have to work some deal where it isn't all cash because like if we…

—All right look, look if somebody had something with two dollars already in it and it earned a dollar a week why would he want to sell it

for five dollars? In three weeks you…

—No but see that's earnings before taxes that's the whole thing, I mean didn't you read this part Bast? See because like if you can put it all together and write off all these here losses of Eagle against all these profits of like this here brewery then you get to keep them, I mean like otherwise you get screwed out of everything by these taxes like these two old brothers see they had all these profits which they didn't collect them on account of this here tax so now when they do collect them they'd have this tremendous tax which is this undistributed profits tax, see? See so now they're scared if one of them dies the other would really get screwed, but if they just sell the whole thing then all they have to pay is this here capital gains tax which is only like a half of a half, I mean don't you even remember this part hey?

—No.

—But how come because holy, I mean this is the whole…

—Because I didn't read it, I didn't read any of it. I didn't even open it. Now if you'll just…

—But, but holy, but I mean how come you didn't even open it?

—Because when I came back from that trip last night there was mail everywhere letters, magazines, books I haven't even…

—Wait what about one from X-L Lithograph Company, I mean was there this letter from…

—I told you I don't know! I don't know what any of it is I, do you think I came in and sat right down over that pile of trash in the middle of look, a friend of mine had just had an accident when I came in if I'd been there, if I'd been there when he …

—No but holy shit Bast this is serious, I mean like I'm sorry about your friend and all but holy shit this is like five million dollars and I mean where I'm paying your expenses for like this here trip and helping you out so you can…

—I did what I said I'd do didn't I! I went up there and settled this thing to help you out just this once didn't I?

—Okay sure but…

—Like this trash I took in and showed Mister Crawley to help you out just this once didn't I?

—No but you said you had to go see him anyway and besides, I mean I paid half your train and subway and all or you couldn't even have went in and…

—All right yes but just because something's gone wrong every time I've come out for that school check so I could pay you back the ten dollars from that field trip you…