JR (91 page)

—I'm afraid it will be quite tight on you, she said putting the tray down, sitting beside him —but I thought it might do to …

—But whose where did it come from, whose…

—They've had it since we took it in last summer and when I took yours in to be cleaned they…

—But who's, who took it in who's we? Whose is it?

—No one's really now, it …

—It can't be no one's how can it be no one's?

—It was just a suit of my husband's, I'm afraid it's just a poplin, for summer…

—Fine and he's going to walk in and join us for breakfast?

—Don't be silly he's abroad, Jack you don't have to drink all this juice I just brought it so you could…

—He just cleaned the place out and left?

—We're not married anymore if that's what you mean, there was nothing of mine here, I brought this juice so you could take these.

He sank back, pulled the ripped skirt of the raincoat over a knee and muttered —what are they, testosterone?

—Are they what? penicillin, I happened to find that prescription in a pocket of that awful suit you had on Jack I've honestly never, why do you carry so much trash around with you.

—Not trash it's, where is it you throw it out too?

—No it's all right here … he watched her back arch bending for the

shelf under the coffee table, —honestly look at it, is this anything but trash? and this? and old newspaper clippings this one's so smudged you can hardly read it.

—Yes that's, that's nothing yes, this behaviorist B F Skinner just intrigued the way he's parlayed all his infantile ideas into such a successful …

She crumpled it, —And this one? about nature's symmetry?

—Yes well that's … he came forward, —this report on the decay process of this eta particle's challenged the whole idea of the, you see the …

—And you want to keep it?

—This whole question of, have you got a pencil? Never mind, you see it's both a particle and an antiparticle, it has no electric charge nothing to distinguish it as matter or antimatter, for every class of particle there should be its kind of mirror image antiparticle same mass and spin and an equal but opposite charge and this reaction they're talking about should produce fragments of equal energy but the positive ones are coming out more energetic than the negative ones, brings up the

whole question of a basic lack of symmetry in our part of the univ…

—And could you get your foot off the table Jack it hardly…

—Only find one shoe yes but you see there might even be galaxies made of antimatter to balance ones like ours that are made of matter I meant to get a copy of this report, published in the Physical Review Letters wasn't it? I meant to …

—But Jack the date on this clipping is, it's almost four years old it's no use to you now is it … and it joined the crumpled heap with B F Skinner and Clocker Lawton's Selections, —And what's this… ?

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—More trash, he muttered sinking away from her on the sofa, knee still against hers where he'd crossed his shoeless foot.

—But it's not your hand is it?

—No.

—Well who wrote it it's quite marvelous, whose…

—It's trash isn't it? Will you throw it out do we have to go over every God damned…

—Oh honestly… ! she stood, still looking at it.

—All right it was mine, one of mine when I still…

—I like hatless disheveled and gay it's just sweet, and the bat, she said standing over him, —you've got Pascal twice here did you know? And this Taine, surely it can't be the same one? the critic?

Close as though to look, his knee rested against hers where his hand brushed inside, rising. —Why not … ? his thumb brushed sudden warmth.

—It's certainly nothing we had in French Civiliza, Jack please don't do that… she'd stepped abruptly away, —do you want to keep this then?

—Thought I'd start a little anthology or … he sank back, —what are there about a dozen? Write a book with twelve chapters have the epigraphs ready how's that.

—You did tell me once about a book you…

—Write twelve books have one ready for …

—Jack please! don't, start behaving the way you did on the train it's just, it just isn't…

—Isn't what! Told you on the train all I've ever done my whole God damned life spent it preparing, time comes all I've got is seven kinds of fine God damned handwriting only God damned thing they're good for is misquoting other people's…

—Jack don't be silly!

—What's so God damned silly about…

—It's simply unbecoming Jack I don't like to hear you talk this way as though you could never…

—Well what about last night then! What about last night!

—Well what about last night.

—If there ever was a, spend a whole God damned lifetime preparing if there was ever a time I, the one time in my whole God damned life I

…

—Don't be silly, you'd been drinking and you were tired there's nothing to be …

—And the wasted…

—Jack stop it! If you'd, Jack if you'll stop holding your head and just try that suit… ? she'd picked up the tray, —I thought we might go out for a walk … and she turned to the hall with it leaving him there hands drawn down his face, eyes left on the paper heaped crumpled at his knee before he reached for the dry cleaner's bag and came half dragging it on the carpet. —Along the park, the lights should just be coining on, she called from the kitchen, —Jack? Can you see the moon

from that window? where the whole corner of it's gone? My mother used to say that's where the fairies were spending it …

The only sound was running water, and after the door closed behind them, none, until the doorbell rang, briefly, then long, a brief burst, and darkness accumulated, pierced by the telephone, repeated, repeated, plumbing chortled somewhere beyond the carpeted hall.

—I'm really quite hungry aren't you? Can you get the light? I thought I'd die at the look on Larry's face when he saw you in that suit you wouldn't think doormen noticed those things, do you like lobster Newburg Jack? It's just a frozen kind I got it when you were in the liquor store, I'm afraid there's not much lobster in it and Jack? No I can't really kiss you with these bundles, will you have just one drink? before we eat? I'll try to hurry, no please. There's the paper. I'll hurry… He followed her for a glass, back at the sofa undid the waist of the trousers, sitting, did it up at the sight of the tray. —Can you just move those papers, oh and we need a corkscrew don't we …

—I'll get it…

—No sit down … He sank back, turned as the lights went out to a flicker behind him. —It's hardly a candle is it but it's all I could find, she said bending to put it before them. —What is it?

—Nothing. Your throat. I was staring at your throat.

—Jack please, eat…

—Hardly see … he moved the candle end closer, little more than flame hovering over a pool of wax by the time he leaned for it with a cigarette that flared up as they touched.

—And your throat? those can't help it …

—All I've got, I thought you'd bought some in that little bag you came out with.

—Those were cough drops I got for you, where did you find these?

—In that raincoat, must have cultivated cancer to keep down his waistline, he said unfastening it, sitting back, —snappy dresser wasn't he.

—Oh he just wanted so to, he must have had forty pairs of awful socks he'd got in France those really short ones, little designs and

elastic at the top and all that dead white skin showing when he crossed his knees but there was no way to tell him, I had to pretend they were getting lost in the laundry and it took me months to get rid of them. It was always a game he had to win, playing against him and helping him win.

—Thought that's what every woman knows.

—No but I was so young, and he did try hard but he had such ideas of himself, of what he thought my family thought he should be and they never quite matched, Jack please don't…

—Well what… his hand dropped of its own weight, —tell you the story about the lady who has her portrait done by the Italian who scarcely speaks English? When she sees it she says it lacks sympathy, that's a word he doesn't know so he finds the dictionary says it means

fellow feeling in bosom and the next time he shows her the port…

—I don't like that kind of story.

—Oh.

—Well you needn't be …

—What, old Lucien didn't like fellows feeling in bosom?

But she just sat there away from him, her head back and the wavers of light on her throat, twisting a strand of hair until she said —No, no he wasn't jealous really, when he sent back low necks I'd bought it wasn't for what anyone might do if I wore one, it was what they might think, of him, I was his wife and what they might think of him but he'd always point out décolletage to me at parties or a girl in a top her nipples showed through and I never really knew what he, I even bought a cigar once and almost made myself sick smoking it half way down and put it out right there in that ashtray where he'd see it when he came in, and he didn't say a word… She drew the twisted strand

across her lips in the last flareup of the candle —And it all, it just wasn't fun anymore…

—You don't have music here do you.

—No we, we simply never did, we'd go to concerts and things but we never did … Her hand closed in his between them, closer until their shoulders touched and he brushed the warmth of her throat, lips lingered at her ear and she turned her face to his in the dark. Suddenly he was bolt upright. —Was that like kissing a man?