Junie B. Jones and that Meanie Jim's Birthday (2 page)

His name is Ollie.

I love him a real lot. Except I wish he didn’t live at my actual house.

Grandma Miller was rocking him in the rocking chair.

I tried to climb up there, too. Only Grandma said “Hold your horses” at me.

“Yeah, only I need to rock very bad,” I explained. “On account of a mean boy is having a birthday party on Saturday. And he is inviting everyone in Room Nine. Only not me. I’m the
only one
who’s not going.”

Grandma Miller did a sad face.

“Children can be so cruel,” she said. “Just wait till I get the baby to sleep. And then you and I will talk about it. Okay?”

And so that’s how come I crossed my arms.

And I tapped my foot.

And I waited and waited for that baby to go to sleep. Only his eyes kept on staying wide open.

“Hold them closed with your fingers, Grandma,” I told her.

“Heavens, no!” she said.

Then she kept right on rocking him.

And so finally I got tired of waiting. And I went to my room. And I crawled underneath my covers.

I crawled way down to the bottom of my sheets.

It is very muffly down there.

You can say mean stuff.

And no one can hear you.

“Here is all the stuff I hate,” I said. “First, I hate that meanie Jim. Then I hate
clowns. And Old MacDonald had a farmer. Plus I hate rabbits. And burros. And ponies.

“And guess what else? We didn’t actually need a baby at this house. Only no one even consulted me.”

Just then, I heard a knock on my door.

“Junie B.? It’s Grandma, honey. Ollie finally went to sleep.”

She came in and lifted up my covers.

“I called your mother and told her what happened at school,” she said.

I peeked up at her.

“And so can she fix it?” I asked. “Can I go to the birthday party now?”

Grandma Miller held out her arms to me.

She pulled me out of my covers.

“Your mother is going to talk to you about it when she gets home,” she said.
“Meanwhile, why don’t you and I have a little fun. Let’s read a book, okay? What kind of story would you like to hear?”

I thought and thought.

“I would like to hear a story about a little girl who doesn’t get invited to a meanie boy’s birthday. And so she sneaks to his house. And she lets a wild pony out of the barn. And then it stomples the boy into a flattie pancake. And all the children pour maple syrup on that guy. And they eat him for breakfast.”

Grandma Miller looked kind of sickish.

“You’ve got to stop worrying about that boy’s party. He’s just trying to get your goat,” she said.

Just then my eyes got big and wide at her.

“Goat? What goat, Grandma? Do I have
a goat? Is it a surprise goat? Are you keeping it a secret at your house?”

I jumped up and pulled her hand.

“Let’s go get it! Want to, Grandma? Let’s go get my goat right now!”

Just then a great idea popped in my head.

“HEY! I JUST THOUGHT OF SOMETHING, GRANDMA! YOU AND ME CAN BRING MY GOAT TO MY HOUSE! AND THEN I CAN HAVE MY VERY OWN BIRTHDAY ON SATURDAY!

“I WILL CALL IT ‘COME AND PET MY GOAT’! AND EVERYONE IN ROOM NINE WILL COME TO
MY
PARTY! AND THEY WON’T GO TO THAT MEANIE JIM’S!”

All of a sudden, the front door opened.

It was Mother!

I runned to her speedy quick.

“Mother! Mother! Guess what? Guess what? Me and Grandma Miller are getting my goat! And I am having my very own birthday party on Saturday! And all of Room Nine is going to be invited. Only not that Jim I hate! He is the
only one
not coming! So ha ha on him!”

Just then, Grandma Miller sneaked out the front door with her sweater.

I pulled on Mother’s arm.

“Come on, Mother! Come on!” I said. “We have to go to the store and buy my invitations! Plus also we have to pick up the beanie wienies!”

Mother didn’t come on.

She sat down on the couch. And smoothed my hair.

“Listen to me, Junie B.,” she said. “I know Jim hurt your feelings today. But you
can’t have your birthday party on Saturday. Your birthday isn’t till June, remember? And June is still months away.”

“I know June is months away,” I said. “And so that is how come I am moving my birthday sooner. ’Cause months away will be too late.”

Mother picked me up and put me on her lap.

“I’m afraid you don’t understand, honey,” she said. “You just can’t
change
the day you were born. No one can. It’s impossible.”

I made my voice very whispering.

“Yeah, only here’s a little secret…nobody in Room Nine even knows when my birthday is. So I think we can pull it off.”

Mother did a little smile. She ruffled my hair.

“Sorry, honey. No can do,” she said.

“Yes!” I hollered. “Yes can do! ’Cause I
have
to have my birthday on Saturday! Or else I will be the
only one
who is not going to that meanie Jim’s! And that is the saddest story I ever even heard of.”

Just then, my eyes got a little bit of wet in them.

Mother wiped my face with a tissue.

Then she hugged me real tight.

And she said the words
I’m sorry.

More bad news.

Grandma Miller just called…

There’s no goat.

The next morning, I didn’t get out of my bed.

Not even when Mother hollered, “Time for breakfast.”

She came into my room.

“Didn’t you hear me, Junie B.? It’s time to eat,” she said.

I looked up from my pillow.

“Yeah, only I’m not even hungry. Plus also I’m moving today,” I said.

Mother smiled.

She sat on my bed.

“You’re moving, huh?” she asked. “And exactly where will you be going?”

I did my shoulders up and down.

“Somewhere,” I said.

“Somewhere, where?” she asked.

“Somewhere not here, that’s where,” I said.

Mother hugged me.

“This is still about Jim’s birthday party, isn’t it?” she said. “You’re still worried about not getting an invitation.”

“No, I’m not,” I said. “On account of I’m not even going to that school anymore. On account of I’m moving today.”

Mother shook her head. Then she went out of my room. And she and Daddy did whispering in the hall.

Pretty soon, Daddy came in.

He gave me a piggyback ride to the kitchen.

Then Mother made my favorite hot cereal.

And she let me have all the brown sugar I wanted.

She sat down next to me.

“You know, Junie B., Jim is only doing this to hurt your feelings,” she said. “He just wants to get a reaction from you, that’s all.”

“Sure, he does,” said Daddy. “And when someone is trying to hurt your feelings, there’s only one way to get back at them.”

“You have to pretend you don’t care,” said Mother. “You have to pretend you don’t even
want
to go to that party. Because if you pretend you don’t want to go, it will take all the fun out of it for him.”

Daddy winked.

“You can do that, can’t you?” he asked. “You’re the best little pretender in the entire
world.”

Just then, my whole face lighted up. ’Cause that word gave me a great idea!

“Hey! I just figured out where I can move to! It’s called It’s a Small World After
All. And it’s at Disneyland! ’Member that, Daddy? It’s where all those puppets keep on singing that same song over and over and over again.”

I smiled. “That would be a happy place to live, don’t you think?”

Daddy looked at me a real long time.

Then he put his head down on the table. And he started knocking it on the edge.

Mother pulled him up from there.

They went in the hall and did more whispering.

After a while, Mother called to me from her bedroom.

“Junie B.? Could you pick up the phone, please? It’s your grandfather. He wants to talk to you for a minute.”

I picked up the phone. “H’lo?”

“Hello, yourself, little girl,” said my
grampa Frank Miller. “What’cha up to this morning?”

“I’m moving today,” I told him.

Grampa Miller sounded upset.

“Moving?” he said. “Oh no! You
can’t
be moving! If you move, then you won’t be able to come over to my house on Saturday!”

I crinkled up my eyebrows at him.

’Cause this conversation smelled fishy, that’s why.

“Yeah, only how come you want me to come to your house?” I asked. “And how come it has to be on Saturday?”

“Because Saturday’s the day I do my work around here, remember?” he said. “You’re still my little helper, aren’t you?”

I thought very careful.

“Yes,” I said.

On account of sometimes I help Grampa fix stuff. It is called odd jobs, I think.

“Are you doin’ odd jobs?” I asked him. “Is that why you want me to come there?”

“Sure I’m doin’ odd jobs,” said my grampa. “But I can’t do them without my helper, can I? You’re the one who wears the tool belt, aren’t you?”

I smiled very proud. ’Cause Grampa Miller’s tool belt is the bestest thing I love. It has a jillion tools hanging off of that thing. It wraps around me two whole times. And I don’t even cave in.

Just then, Grampa Miller made his voice real quiet.

“You haven’t even heard the best part yet,” he whispered. “Guess what I’m going to be fixing?”

I whispered back at him. “What?”

Then Grampa said for me to hang on a minute. On account of he wanted to close his door. Or else my grandma might hear.

“If your grandma hears, then
she’ll
want to be my helper, instead of you,” he said.

I waited very patient.

“Ready?” he said.

“Ready,” I said.

“Okay. I’m going to be fixing the upstairs
toilet.”

Just then, my mouth came all the way open.

’Cause fixing the upstairs toilet is a dream come true, that’s why!

“Are you gonna take the lid off the top, Grampa? And are you gonna keep flushing it and flushing it? And are you gonna watch all the water go out of that thing?” I asked.

“Sure I am! Of course I am! That’s half
the fun of fixing the toilet! Right?” he said.

“Right!” I said very excited. “Plus also I love that big ball that floats on the top.”

“Me, too!” said my grampa. “I love that big ball, too! And so I can count on you, can’t I? You and I have a date on Saturday, right?”

I thought some more.

“Yeah, only I think there’s something you forgot, Grampa.”

“What?” he asked. “What did I forget, little girl?”

I raised my eyebrows at that sillyhead.

“You forgot that I’m moving today.”

Grandma and Grampa Miller take turns baby-sitting me before lunch. Then they get me dressed for kindergarten.

Except for today, Mother came home from work. And she got me dressed instead.

She said she would drive me to school.

“If I drive you, then you won’t have to see Jim on the bus,” she said very thoughtful.

She got out my clothes for school.

It was my jumper with the frogs on it.

“Yeah, only guess what? I’m not even wearing school clothes today. On account of I’m moving. And so I have to wear moving man clothes.”

Mother kept on trying to put that jumper on me.

That’s how come I made my legs and arms real stiff. So they wouldn’t fit in there that good.

Then me and Mother wrestled a teeny bit. And she stood me on my head. And she pulled my tights on me.