Junie B. Jones and that Meanie Jim's Birthday

My name is Junie B. Jones. The B stands for Beatrice. Except I don’t like Beatrice. I just like B and that’s all.

B is my bestest letter. On account of my favorite food starts with that guy.

Its name is birthday cake.

We had that delicious stuff at school today.

That’s because Paulie Allen Puffer turned six years old. And his mother brought chocolate cake and chocolate ice cream
and chocolate milk to Room Nine.

She is a chocolate nut, I think.

The party was very fun.

Except for Paulie Allen Puffer got all wound up. And he put cake on his head. And then he laughed till milk came out his nose.

“That is called nose milk,” I told my bestest friend named Lucille.

Lucille is a little lady.

“Eew,” she said. “I wish I didn’t even see that nose milk. ’Cause now my stomach feels upset. And I can’t eat the rest of my cake.”

“Me, too,” I said. “Now I can’t eat the rest of my cake, too. And so I will throw both our cakes in the trash can for us.”

Then I picked up our cakes. And I hurried up to the trash can.

I looked all around me very careful.

Then I quick ducked behind the trash can.

And I stuffed both those cakes right in my mouth.

I rubbed my tummy real happy.

“Now all I need is some milk to wash it down with,” I said.

That’s when I saw some milk sitting on a table. All by itself.

I picked it up. And drank it all gone.

“Mmmm,” I said. “That hit the spot!”

Just then I heard a voice.

“Junie B. Jones? Why are you out of your seat?”

It was my teacher.

Her name is Mrs.

She has another name, too. But I just like Mrs. and that’s all.

Mrs. has eyes like a hawk.

“What are you doing over there?” she asked me.

“I am sharing people’s cake and milk,” I explained. “Except for they aren’t actually here at the moment.”

Mrs. rolled her eyes way back in her head.

I smiled very sweet.

“Guess what? When I have
my
birthday party, I am going to bring cake and milk, too,” I said. “Plus also I might bring a beanie wienie casserole. ’Cause that will be a nice change of pace, I think.”

Just then, I skipped over to Paulie Allen Puffer’s mother.

“Excellent cake, madam. My compliments to the
chief,”
I said.

Then me and her did a high-five. Only she didn’t actually put her hand out. And so
mostly I just slapped her on the arm.

After that, I skipped back to my seat.

Lucille was finishing her chocolate ice cream.

She had a chocolate mustache on her lip.

I did a frown at her.

“Lucille, I am surprised at you,” I said. “You are not eating that ice cream like a little lady. And so I will show you how.”

Then I quick dipped my spoon into Lucille’s ice cream.

“See?” I said. “See how I am taking dainty bites of this stuff?”

Only just then a dainty bite of chocolate ice cream slipped off my spoon. And it plopped into Lucille’s lap.

She jumped out of her chair.

“OH NO!” she hollered. “NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID! YOU SPILLED ICE
CREAM ON MY BRAND-NEW DRESS! AND MY NANNA JUST BROUGHT THIS TO ME FROM NEW YORK CITY! AND IT COSTED NINETY-FIVE DOLLARS PLUS TAX!”

Mrs. hurried up to my table. She had a wet sponge to clean Lucille’s dress.

“No! Don’t!” said Lucille. “You can’t put water on this! ’Cause this dress is made of satin! And satin is dry clean only!”

Mrs. made angry eyes at me.

I did a gulp.

“Who knew?” I said real soft.

Then I put my head down on my table.

And I covered up with my arms.

’Cause that is called laying low.

And laying low is what you do if you know what’s good for you.

After the party, me and my other bestest friend rode home on the bus.

Her name is Grace.

Me and that Grace take turns sitting next to the window.

That is good sports of us, I think.

Except for sometimes we forget whose turn it is.

Then we have to settle it with our fists.

This time, it was that Grace’s turn to sit
next to the window.

“Guess what? I don’t even care if you sit there today,” I told her. “’Cause eating all that cake made me in a happy mood.”

That Grace smiled.

“Me, too,” she said. “Eating that cake made me in a happy mood, too.”

“Yeah, only you can’t be as happy as me,” I explained. “’Cause I had two cakes. And you just had one.”

That Grace did a frown.

“That’s okay, Grace. Don’t be upset,” I said. “’Cause when I have my birthday, I will invite you to my house. And you can have two cakes, too.”

“Oh boy!” she said.

“I know it is
oh boy,”
I said back. “Plus also you will get your very own paper cup with M&M’s in it.”

“Oooo! Yum! I
love
M&M’s,” said that Grace.

“Me too. I love M&M’s, too,” I said. “On account of the chocolate doesn’t melt on your hands. Just the colors melt on your hands and that’s all.”

I smiled real big.

“And here’s
another
good thing, Grace. When you come to my party, you will get your very own party hat. And we will play Twister. Plus also we will play that game where you shout Bingo. Only I keep on forgetting the name of that one.”

Just then, a meanie boy named Jim jumped up from his seat.

“BINGO, stupid!” he shouted. “Its name is BINGO! What a MORON! Who would even want to come to a stupid party like yours?”

He made his voice real loud. So everybody could hear.

“At
my
house I have
cool
birthday parties,” he said. “Like last year my party was named Clowning Around. And we had two clowns from the circus. And they made balloon animals and did magic tricks.”

I leaned way close to his face.

“So?” I said. “I don’t even
like
clowns. Clowns are not normal people. Plus my very own grampa Frank Miller can make balloon animals, too. Except for they all look like wiener dogs. Only he’s working on it.”

That Jim wasn’t even listening to me. He just kept on talking about his parties.

“This
year my party is named Old MacDonald’s Farm. And a real farmer is bringing a petting zoo right to my front yard. And he’s going to bring a lamb, and a
goat, and a burro, and some rabbits! And he’s also bringing a real live pony for us to ride!”

I put my hands on my waist.

“Yeah, well too bad for you,” I said. “’Cause I saw all about ponies on TV. And
ponies buck you off their backs. And then they stomple you into the ground and kill you to death. And so I wouldn’t even come to your stupid dumb party in a jillion billion years.”

“Good!” hollered that Jim. “I’m glad! ’Cause my birthday is this coming Saturday! And tomorrow I’m bringing invitations to every single person in Room Nine! Only
not
to you! You’re the
only one
in the whole class I’m not bringing an invitation to! So there!”

Then he did a big HAH! right in my face.

And he sat back down in his seat.

Meanwhile, I just kept on standing and standing there.

’Cause something had gone a little bit wrong here, I think.

I tapped on his head.

“Yeah, only here’s the thing,” I said. “I didn’t actually know you were having a party on Saturday. And so, good news…I think I can make it.”

“No!” shouted that meanie boy. “You’re not coming! Now go away!”

I tapped on him again.

“Yeah, only I was just kidding about the ponies,” I said. “They hardly even stomple you probably.”

“I don’t care! Stop bothering me!” he shouted.

I stood on my tippy-toes and looked at his head.

“Love your hair today,” I said.

That Jim swatted at me.

“Get away from me!” he hollered. “You’re not coming to my party! And that’s final!”

Just then a big lump came in my throat. A big lump is what comes before crying.

It hurt to swallow.

I sat down and hided my face in my sweater.

“Darn it,” I said. “’Cause I think I really would have enjoyed myself at that thing.”

Then my bestest friend named Grace put her arm around me.

And she patted me real gentle.

And she let me sit next to the window.

I walked home from the bus stop very slumping.

Very slumping is when your shoulders are sad. And your head can’t hold up that good.

Grandma Miller was in the nursery.

She baby-sits me and my baby brother in the afternoon.