Karlology (6 page)

I
started to feel a bit nervous about coming face to face
w
ith my brain, or was it my brain that felt nervous about me seein
g
it? I
g
et
l
i
k
e t
h
is w
h
enever I
h
ave an
y
sort o
f
me
d
ica
l
test as t
h
e
d
octors a
l
wa
y
s seem to
fi
n
d
somet
h
in
g
. T
h
at’s
w
hat doctors do. They’re like archaeologists who keep di
g
ging until they hit bone, or car mechanics who always find somet
h
ing t
h
at nee
d
s rep
l
acing. So I pre
f
er to
l
eave it
f
or as
l
on
g
as
p
ossi
bl
e
b
e
f
ore
h
avin
g
a c
h
ec
k
-u
p
. T
h
e
l
ast time I
w
ent to t
h
e
d
octor’s was
b
ecause Suzanne to
ld
me to
g
et a
w
art checked. I went to the walk-in clinic in
S
oho and e
x
p
lained at the reception that I had a wart my girlfriend was
w
orrie
d
a
b
out. T
h
e
y
sent me t
h
rou
gh
to t
h
e nurse, w
h
o
r
ea
d
on t
h
e note t
h
at I
h
a
d
a wart. Wit
h
out even ma
k
in
g
e
ye contact, she asked me to drop my trousers. She was sat down, I was stood up. She stared at my bits for a few m
o
ments an
d
d
i
d
t
h
at t
h
ing peop
l
e wit
h
g
l
asses
d
o w
h
ere t
h
ey s
q
uint an
d
t
h
en
l
oo
k
over t
h
e to
p
o
f
t
h
e
gl
asses, as i
f
s
h
e was stu
dy
in
g
a
p
iece o
f
art
.

“I’m having problems locating it”, she said.

“It’s here on the side of my face.”

“Oh … okay. Pull your trousers up.”

S
h
e exp
l
aine
d
t
h
at most cases o
f
warts in t
h
e So
h
o c
l
inic
w
ere o
f
a sexua
l
nature. S
h
e
g
ave me some cream to
p
ut on it an
d
t
h
e wart
f
e
ll
o
ff
wit
h
in a wee
k
, w
h
ic
h
ma
d
e me
gl
a
d
t
h
at
t
h
e
w
a
r
t
w
as
n’
t
o
n m
e
n
ob.

I
suppose I should have queried her asking me to drop m
y
p
ants,
b
ut I
d
on’t
l
i
k
e
q
uestionin
g
d
octors as I
d
on’t
w
ant to anno
y
t
h
em. T
h
e same
g
oes
f
or
b
ui
ld
ers or
pl
um
b
e
rs – I don’t like to quiz them either, for two reasons: (1) cos
I
don’t want them to get annoyed as they’ll probably end up c
h
arging me more or
d
o a
d
u
ff
jo
b
on purpose; an
d
(2) cos
I
can’t s
p
ea
k
Po
l
is
h
.

Anot
h
er reason I
g
et nervous is
b
ecause I
h
ear too muc
h
about what can go wrong with the
b
ody. That’s why I think havi
ng k
now
l
e
dg
e can
b
e a
b
a
d
t
h
in
g
. It can worr
y
y
ou. A mate’s mate told
me how someone he knew banged his head in a car crash
,
survived
,
h
a
d
no
l
oss o
f
memory,
b
ut
h
is
b
rain went
g
a
y
. W
h
ic
h
i
s
w
e
ir
d
cos
I’v
e
hea
r
d
that
b
anging your head makes
y
ou lose calories, and seeing
as most gays I see knocking about look like fitness freaks, t
h
eir
g
a
y
ness mi
gh
t
b
e
d
ue to
h
ea
d
-
b
an
g
in
g
t
h
eir ca
l
ories
a
w
a
y.
A
gain – just a theory.

There was another story about a woman who had “alien hand syndrome”. This is when people with epilepsy have t
h
e two
h
a
l
ves o
f
t
h
e
b
rain separate
d
to stop seizures
h
ap
p
enin
g
. T
h
e woman cou
ld
sti
ll
f
ee
l
t
h
in
g
s wit
h
h
er
h
an
d
s,
b
ut s
h
e cou
ld
n’t contro
l
one o
f
t
h
em. It en
d
e
d
u
p
d
oin
g
things of its own accord. She was a smoker, but the weird hand wasn’t happy with this and used to grab the cigs from
h
er mout
h
an
d
t
h
row t
h
em awa
y
b
e
f
ore
h
er norma
l
h
an
d
cou
ld
l
i
gh
t t
h
em. S
h
e sai
d
it’s t
h
e most anno
y
in
g
t
h
in
g
t
h
at could happen to anyone, but I reckon having a leg that
walks where you don’t want to go would be a lot worse.