Karlology (8 page)

Fourteen minutes
l
ater t
h
e scan was over.
J
oe came in and pulled me out of the machine and removed the cage
f
rom around my head. I felt like a magician’s assistant who’d
b
een cut in
h
a
lf
an
d
t
h
en put
b
ac
k
toget
h
er again. He to
ld
me it wou
ld
ta
k
e a
f
ew
h
ours to
g
et t
h
e scans
d
eve
l
o
p
e
d
, so I use
d
t
h
is time to ta
lk
to Hu
g
o a
b
out t
h
e
b
rain. I
d
on’t
r
emember everything he said, apart from how the brain o
f
the elephant is the largest in size among the land mammals
(
e
l
e
ph
ants a
l
wa
y
s
l
oo
k
sa
d
, w
h
ic
h
p
roves m
y
p
oint a
b
out
h
ow inte
ll
i
g
ence an
d
l
au
gh
ter
d
on’t
l
i
k
e eac
h
ot
h
er) an
d
that telling lies is a complicated thing for the brain to do.
I
’m not very good at lying. The first lie that I remember te
ll
ing was to me mam w
h
en s
h
e
f
oun
d
an app
l
e in t
h
e
f
ruit
b
ow
l
t
h
at
h
a
d
b
een
b
itten an
d
put
b
ac
k
. I sai
d
t
h
e cat
d
i
d
it.
A
nother was when I bou
g
ht some knock-off
A
didas trai
n
ers from a mate at school for £10.

“Why are they so cheap?” me mam asked. “Is it cos they’re stolen?”

“
No. T
h
e
y
’re c
h
ea
p
cos t
h
e
l
a
d
’s
d
a
d
owns t
h
e com
p
an
y
”, I
l
ie
d
. I t
h
ou
gh
t it was
q
uite a
g
oo
d
one
.

“What’s his name?”

“
Simon
A
d
i
d
as”
,
I sai
d.

L
i
k
e I sa
y
, I’m not t
h
at
g
oo
d
at
l
ies
.

To
l
ie we
ll
,
y
ou
h
ave to
h
ave a rea
lly
g
oo
d
b
rain an
d
m
emory. JK
R
owling must be a right good liar to write all those Harry Potter books about a made-up wizard and keep them believable. The problem with that is, she’s so good at
ly
in
g
I wou
ld
n’t trust
h
er as
f
ar as I cou
ld
t
h
row
h
er.

Hu
g
o
b
rou
gh
t u
p
t
h
e ima
g
es o
f
m
y
b
rain on
h
is co
m
p
uter. It was weird to see it. It was like seeing someone
y
ou’ve spoken to a lot on the phone but never met face to
f
ace. I
k
new w
h
at it t
h
oug
h
t a
b
out stu
ff
,
b
ut I’
d
never seen it. I t
h
ou
gh
t it was
q
uite a
g
oo
d
-
l
oo
k
in
g
b
rain,
b
ut ma
yb
e
I
t
h
ou
gh
t t
h
is cos it
b
e
l
on
g
s to me. It’s
l
i
k
e w
h
en
p
eo
pl
e have a baby scan and the owners think it’s beautiful, when to other people it just looks like a frog
.

Hu
g
o to
ld
me it’s im
p
ortant to
k
ee
p
t
h
e
b
rain
h
ea
l
t
hy
by
keeping it active and eating well. “
O
mega-3 fats are good
f
or t
h
e
b
rain”,
h
e sai
d
. W
h
en I
g
ot
h
ome I
l
oo
k
e
d
on-
l
ine to see w
h
ic
h
f
oo
d
s contain t
h
is stu
ff
. I
f
oun
d
it’s in wa
l
nuts.
M
y brain doesn’t like walnuts.

IT’S
GOO
D
T
H
A
T
W
E E
VO
L
V
ED
f
rom some sort o
f
sea creature and grew a brain, but I think it’s a shame that
w
e couldn’t have grown a decent brain whilst at the same time sta
y
in
g
in t
h
e sea. I t
h
in
k
t
h
is is w
h
en evo
l
ution too
k
a
w
ron
g
turn and started
g
oin
g
downhill.
G
e
ttin
g
out of the sea was our bi
gg
est mistake.

E
a
rt
h
is
k
nown as t
h
e
bl
ue p
l
anet
f
or a reason, t
h
e reason
b
eing t
h
at it’s 70% water, an
d
t
h
at’s wit
h
out even countin
g
a
ll
t
h
e swimmin
g
p
oo
l
s.
E
ven swimmin
g
p
oo
l
s are
g
et
t
ing bigger and deeper than they used to be.
W
he
n I w
as
y
ounger, pools used to always have a bit of space around them, but now, due to the amount of water on the planet,
w
e
h
ave invente
d
in
fi
nit
y
p
oo
l
s w
h
ere t
h
ere is no
l
on
g
er
a gap. We’re running out of ways of using the water up. I t
h
in
k
t
h
is is w
hy
t
h
e
y
te
ll
us to
d
rin
k
at
l
east two
l
itres a
d
a
y
– not cos it’s
g
oo
d
f
or us,
b
ut
j
ust so t
h
e
pl
anet
d
oesn’t
d
r
o
wn i
tse
lf
.

I
t’s simple, we should have never left the sea. No fish is
h
ome
l
ess, no
fi
s
h
d
ies o
f
starvation or stress. But cos we got
o
ut o
f
t
h
e sea, we now
h
ave t
h
ese
p
ro
bl
ems. We
h
ave to
w
or
k
to
p
a
y
f
or a
h
ouse or a
fl
at to
l
ive in, we
h
ave to
p
a
y
f
or food, we have to pay for electric/gas to keep us warm. Then, if we’re lucky, if any money is left over, what do we
d
o? We use it to
g
o
f
or
h
o
l
i
d
a
y
s
b
ac
k
at t
h
e
pl
ace we s
h
ou
ld
n
ever
h
ave
l
e
f
t to
b
e
g
in wit
h
. T
h
e sea.

We’re panicking now cos they say the sea levels are rising and land will start disappearing, but if we’d stayed as
fi
s
h
t
h
at wou
ld
b
e goo
d
news, as we cou
ld
sprea
d
out a
b
it,
h
ave a
f
ew
d
i
ff
erent roc
k
s to
l
ive un
d
er in
d
i
ff
erent
p
arts o
f
t
h
e new exten
d
e
d
sea. T
h
e
y
a
l
so sa
y
we are runnin
g
out o
f
cod and that we should stop eating it, but I think we’re not
r
unning out – I think the cod is just harder to find with all t
h
is new water t
h
at’s
b
een a
dd
e
d
f
rom t
h
e me
l
tin
g
ice
b
er
g
s.
M
e Aunt
y
Nora is worrie
d
a
b
out t
h
e me
l
tin
g
ice
b
er
g
s, not cos of rising sea levels but cos she thinks that’s where we get
o
ur ice from, and she can’t drink whisky and coke without ice as it gives
h
er
h
eart
b
urn
.

A
nyway, problem is we can’t go back now – we’ve lost a
ll
t
h
em s
k
i
ll
s we wou
ld
h
ave
h
a
d
as
fi
s
h
. I can on
ly
d
o t
h
e
b
reaststro
k
e
f
or a
f
ew metres
b
e
f
ore I’m out o
f
b
reat
h
.

I
feel like we’ve messed up, like nature is no longer in charge of our destiny. Proof of this is the labradoodle. It’s a new
d
og we’ve
k
noc
k
e
d
up t
h
at’s a cross
b
etween a
l
a
b
r
a
d
or an
d
a
p
oo
dl
e. (It’s so new t
h
at t
h
e s
p
e
ll
c
h
ec
k
on m
y
com
p
uter is as
k
in
g
me to c
h
ec
k
t
h
e s
p
e
ll
in
g
as I t
yp
e t
h
is, as it’s never heard of a labradoodle.) It’s aimed at people
w
h
o
lik
e
t
h
e
c
h
a
r
acte
r
o
f
t
h
e
l
ab
r
ado
r
but
a
r
e
n’
t
k
ee
n
o
n i
ts
h
airst
yl
e
.

I
thought for this chapter, a trip to the Natural History
M
useum was in order to see what nature had put together
o
ver t
h
e years.

I
t was a
ll
g
oin
g
to
pl
an. I’
d
g
ot u
p
ear
ly
an
d
was at t
h
e museum
fif
teen minutes
b
e
f
ore o
p
enin
g
time. T
h
ere was me and twelve others waiting outside. “I’ll get in and out of the dinosaur section before all the kids on their school trips
e
ven
g
et o
ff
t
h
e
b
us”, is w
h
at I’
d
t
h
ou
gh
t. I
g
ot in t
h
ere an
d
l
oo
k
e
d
at t
h
e ma
p
. C
h
inese art,
gl
ass art, me
d
ieva
l
scu
lp
tures, fashion, photography
.

“Where have you put the dinosaurs?” I asked the old
security man
.

“
Dinosaurs? You won’t find any dinosaurs in here, you
w
ant t
h
e Natura
l
Histor
y
Museum.”

Turns out I was in t
h
e V&A. I
d
on’t
k
now w
hy
t
h
e
y
have all the museums so close together. The V&A, the
N
atural History Museum and the Science Museum are all
w
it
h
in
fi
ve minutes o
f
eac
h
ot
h
er. I
f
anot
h
er meteorite
h
its Eart
h
an
d
wi
p
es out a
ll
civi
l
ization, t
h
en in
b
i
ll
ions o
f
y
ears time, w
h
en
h
umans
g
row
b
ac
k
a
g
ain, some arc
h
aeo
l
o
g
ist is gonna be well confused when they start digging round here and find human bones
,
dinosaur bones
,
bits of old Chinese art, o
dd
f
as
h
ion,
p
o
l
ar
b
ears,
d
o
d
os,
fi
s
h
an
d
com
p
uters a
ll
w
it
h
in a 1-mi
l
e ra
d
ius
.