Kate Sherwood - Dark Horse 2.3 - Into the Light (7 page)

“Yeah, okay. So—are you going to see him again? Is this, like, a
thing
?”

 

“I don’t know. I mean, yeah, we talked about doing something tonight. But—I don’t know if I’d call it a thing.”

“Three days in a row—that’s pretty intense for a non-thing.” “I guess. I don’t know.”

“Huh. So—what am I supposed to be saying, here?” Danny sounded genuinely curious.

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“Dude, do you know how many times you’ve said that during this conversation? And it’s not like we’ve been talking for all that long.”

“Well, fuck, Danny, I guess maybe I
don’t know
.” I took a moment to collect myself. “I mean, this is new territory. I’m—I’m trying to figure things out as I go.”

“Is that how you normally do it?” He was back to sounding genuinely curious. “Like, is it more emotion, or more intellect, for you? Do you need to figure it out in order to like it?”

“Do you think maybe the reason I say ‘I don’t know’ so much is that your questions are insane? I mean, what’s the right answer to that question?”
“Why so testy, young Christopher? And what makes you think that

Into the Light | Kate Sherwood
there’s a right or a wrong answer? You wouldn’t tell me what to say, remember? So I’m just trying to make conversation.”

“You’re trying to make me crazy, is what you’re trying to do. I mean—fuck, Danny, I don’t know if it’s more intellect or more emotion, okay?”

“Okay.” I knew Danny so well; I could absolutely picture the smile that was sneaking onto his face. “What do you think it means that you’re getting so defensive about all of this?”

“I think it means you’re an asshole, Danny. And, you know what? That isn’t something that I’m unsure about.”

“Wow. That hurts. Someone that I thought was a close friend, being so hostile.” He barely paused before changing his tone completely. “So, who can I talk to about this? Is Ryan ‘yours’ now? ‘Cause I’ve known him for way longer, and if you’re being all virgin-y about this, I’ve probably known him better, if you know what I mean. So I think he’s still mine. And Jeff obviously needs to be told. Evan already knows, but that doesn’t mean he won’t want to discuss it, a lot.” He paused again, and there was another shift in tone, this time getting more serious. “And what about Robyn? She’s already heard the public stuff, but—are you going to give her a call?”

“Danny—” I stopped, then started again, with less whine in my voice. “I will. At some point. But right now, it’s all pretty up in the air. I wasn’t really planning on telling anybody, you know? I mean, I guess I would have told you. And then you would have bitched until I let you tell Evan and Jeff. But—yeah, it was stupid, to go out in town. I just—if this is just a blip, I don’t want to go through all the trouble for nothing.”

“Who do you think Ryan’s told?”

 

It was another one of Danny’s fucking infuriating questions. Because, yeah, if he was actually trying to get me thinking about all this from a different perspective, then it was a solid question. Who
had
Ryan
Into the Light | Kate Sherwood

told? Was he excited about the possibilities, or was it just one more in a long string of easy one-nighters? Who were his close friends? What did they think? Were they telling him that he was crazy? It was the same as the questions about the food. If Danny had been trying to point out that I’d been really preoccupied with Ryan and hadn’t even noticed my surroundings, then that was a valuable contribution to my struggle. But I figured that the odds were about even that Danny was just hungry. “Guess what, Dan—I don’t know. Has he called
you
?”

“No. Am I allowed to call
him
?”

That was tricky. But then again, why should I be the only one suffering? Surely Ryan deserved a share of Dan’s torture. “Yeah, okay. If you want.”

“And what can I say?”

“Danny, you’re pissing me off. You can ask him a bunch of totally annoying questions and jump all over him when he says he doesn’t know, how does that sound?”

“Again, you seem to want to hurt me when I’m just trying to help….”

“Yeah, okay. Look—I just—I wanted to make sure you were okay with this. I mean, it’s not any of your damn business, technically, but— you’re okay with it, right?”

The silence lasted longer than I’d expected. “You want to know what I’m going to ask Ryan? I mean, after I get past all the ‘are your intentions honorable’ crap. I’m gonna ask him if you’re making him happy. And if you’re both happy, then, yeah, who the fuck cares what I think, but also—of course I’m okay with it. Seriously, dude—if it’s working, it’s good.”
“Yeah.” It was weird, because I honestly couldn’t have imagined

Into the Light | Kate Sherwood
Danny saying anything other than that, but at the same time, I’d apparently really needed to hear it. “Thanks, dude.”

 

“I’m also gonna ask if he’s got a plan to get you the hell out of your head on all of this. In case you were wondering.”

 

“No, I wasn’t really wondering. And I don’t really know what you mean by that.”

“No? Do you think it’s because I don’t make any sense, or because you’re so far in your head that you can’t even understand the idea of moving out of it?”

“I think it’s because you don’t make any sense. Now go feed a carrot to my horse. I need to get back to work.”

 

“How’re the Olympics going?”

 

“The twentieth floor has a commanding lead—we’re thinking we should be checking for steroids.”

“That’s some interesting team building you’re doing, there. Hey, do you and Ryan want to come over for dinner, sometime? Like, is it that much of a thing? Is he going to come out with us on Saturday? Or are you going to betray your friends and go out with your new man, alone?”

“Danny, I wish there were more words that I could use to tell you to fuck off.”

 

“Well, it doesn’t really matter what words you use—it’s not like I’m listening to you, anyhow.”

“Nice. See ya, Danny.” I hung up and sat back in my chair. I felt pretty good. Whatever was going on with Ryan, my friends were behind me. They were poking me with sharp sticks and laughing at me, but—they were there.

Into the Light | Kate Sherwood
CHAPTER FIVE

Standing on Ryan’s porch that night, I had another quick flash of nerves before I rang the doorbell. He’d sounded totally calm and relaxed when I’d called to make sure he still wanted me to come over, and the attitude had been contagious. But it seemed to have worn off at some point as I walked the few blocks to his house. By the time I arrived, I was gripping the wine bottle I was carrying as if it were a club, my fingers so tight they actually ached. The rest of my body was just as tense. I took a couple deep breaths as I waited for him to respond to the doorbell, but I’m really not sure they did a damn bit of good.

What
did
help was seeing his face when he opened the door. This wasn’t some random guy, this was Ryan, and he made everything okay. “Hey, Chris.” He smiled warmly. “Come on in.”

I followed him inside and handed him the bottle of wine. He held it in one hand, leaving the other free to find its spot where my neck turned into my shoulder. We leaned forward at the same time, and it was still new, still a bit strange to feel stubble and strength when we kissed, but it was fine. Everything was fine.

He pulled away and led me down the hall to the kitchen. He already had a bottle of wine open, and offered me a glass. Something smelled good, and I told him so, and he told me he was roasting a chicken. We sat at two stools at the breakfast bar, with our knees angled towards each other, and stared at the oven. The whole situation felt strange, almost unreal, somehow. It didn’t make sense that I was there. There was no huge passion. I hadn’t been overwhelmed by his presence, hadn’t been swept off my feet. So why the hell was I doing this?
“So, I’m thinking maybe we should just be friends,” he said

Into the Light | Kate Sherwood
calmly, and took a sip of his wine as he waited for my reaction. “Wait, what?” I was sure I hadn’t spoken out loud about my sudden doubts.

“I was thinking about things, and I talked to Dan, and I tried to figure out why I felt weird last night. The thing is, Chris—I don’t really want to be your experiment. I know I said I was okay with it, but I think I was wrong. Sorry if I led you on.”

“No, wait.” I wasn’t sure why I was arguing. Or what I could really say. “What did Danny say? He’s an idiot, you know. You really shouldn’t listen to him, ninety percent of the time.”

“Well, maybe this is part of the ten percent.” He reached across and filled my wine glass, still calm, still friendly. “He asked me what I was looking for, and what I thought you were looking for. And it got me thinking. I’m looking for a relationship, Chris. I don’t mean with you, I just mean in general. I’m looking for something real, something serious. I want to find somebody I can fall in love with.”

“And you couldn’t do that with me?” I had no idea why I was pushing this, but I felt like I needed to understand the whole situation.

Ryan’s smile was sad. “That’s the problem, man. I think maybe I could. But I don’t want to sign up for that sort of pain.” He waited for me to clue in, but apparently I was too slow for him. “Straight boys are hot,” he said slowly. “It’s a great fantasy—like straight guys who want lesbians. But it’s not real. It’s not going to last. You’ll have your experience, and you’ll move on. It’s not a bad thing, Chris, but it’s not good for me.”

“Okay, I don’t get how you can be sure about that. I
like
you, Ryan. I do.” I was getting kind of agitated. “I’m not just looking for a new experience. I mean, that’s part of it, yeah. But….” I trailed off. But what? I’d been thinking myself that I wasn’t feeling enough passion to make this worthwhile, so why was I arguing with him about it? Why wasn’t I thanking my lucky stars that he was handing me this get-out-of-gay-free

Into the Light | Kate Sherwood

card? “I’m not looking for a new physical experience. Or not
just
that. I want—when I said all that about Justin, and how he made me want to live intensely—I didn’t mean thrill-seeking. I didn’t mean that I wanted to run from one person to the next, and never settle down, but that’s what I feel like I’ve been doing.” Jesus, I was getting pretty personal here. But maybe that was okay. “I’m looking for something real, too. I am. And I know that it’s a risk for you. But I’m not really worried about you being a guy. It’d be different, I get that, but I
want
different. What I’ve been doing hasn’t been working. I
need
different.”

He’d been watching me closely as I spoke, as if he were really listening, really giving me chance. By the time I finally wrapped up, he was frowning. “Dan said….”

“Fuck, Ryan, why are you listening to Danny?”

“Well, he’s had two strong relationships in his life, right? Or three, if you count Evan and Jeff separately. That’s two or three more than both of us put together. So maybe he knows something we don’t.”

That was hard to accept, but finally I shrugged. “Yeah, maybe.”

Ryan leaned back thoughtfully, and took another sip of his wine. “Or maybe he just knows when to stop thinking. He asked me whether I thought it was going to be enough, for you, just having different body parts to play with, and I didn’t really get what he meant. But I think maybe I do now. You said you weren’t worried about me being a guy. I wonder if that means that this isn’t enough of a challenge, for you. Like—maybe it’s not different
enough
.”

“Well—how can we get more different? I mean, this is pretty much it, isn’t it?”

 

“Physically? Yeah, I guess. But I think—you’re pretty analytical, right? You’re smart, you’re used to being responsible, used to being in control. Instead of just changing the physical side of things, what if you
Into the Light | Kate Sherwood
changed the role you play in the relationship?”

“Changed the role? I don’t really get what that would mean.” I took a deep swallow of my wine. It was a pretty good bottle, but I wasn’t appreciating the flavor right then; I just wanted the alcohol.

“Maybe you should let yourself let go. Maybe you should let me take responsibility for this.” He frowned. “It’s kind of the opposite of what I was saying, about us just being friends, but maybe we both need to change things. Maybe I need to stop being so laid back and letting things just happen—maybe I need to start
making
things happen. And you don’t need to be in charge, all the time. If you want—you can just sit back, and let me be the one to jump through the hoops, and do all the suggesting. You can just say yes or no, or you can say maybe and make me figure out how to turn that into a yes.”

It sounded perfect, except—“Okay, that makes it seem like…” I stopped. I’d heard enough yipping from Danny and Justin to know that I wasn’t supposed to transfer stereotypical gender roles into the gay world. And I’d heard enough from Robyn, and from my sisters, to know that I wasn’t supposed to be living by the stereotyped roles even in the straight world. But, still. “That makes it sound like I’m a chick. A woman. Whatever.”

“Does it?” Ryan’s eyes were still locked on mine. “It doesn’t to me.”

 

I didn’t really know where to go with that. “No?”

 

“With Danny and Justin—who was it that initiated things? Who chose between whose options?”

That was easy, but I wasn’t sure what would happen if I gave an honest answer. I decided to go for it. “Justin started things, usually. Danny chose.”
Ryan nodded. “And Danny seemed like a woman, to you?”

Into the Light | Kate Sherwood

“No….”
“But he seemed powerless. Weak.”

“No.” This was confusing. “I mean, really, Danny was in charge. He—Justin would have set himself on fire, if Danny told him to.”

Ryan smiled, and it cut the tension a little. But not completely. When he spoke, his voice was soft and reasonable. “I’m not planning to go that far—no flames, for me. But—why don’t you sit back for a while? Let me drive, and if you don’t like where we’re going, you can let me know. Maybe being with a man isn’t enough for you. Maybe you’re looking for a shift that’s a little more profound.”