Katie Opens Her Heart (19 page)

“Then please come back to me, Katie.”
Mamm
came over and wrapped her arms around Katie, pulling her close. “And I’ll try to change the things I’ve been doing wrong.”

Katie hugged her back even though her heart was pounding in her ears.

“It’s that job at Byler’s that’s partly to blame,”
Mamm
continued. “It’s exposing you to these temptations. I wish you’d quit.”

Why did she have to decide between breaking
Mamm
’s heart or her own? Katie wondered. “I’m not going to quit Byler’s,
Mamm
. And I’m still with you,” Katie said quietly. “Is it so wrong to feel happy when someone likes you?”

Mamm
let go a bit to hold Katie at arm’s length. “
I
love you Katie. I’ve always loved you.”

“It’s important to me that others also love me.” Katie struggled for more words. How could she explain this to
Mamm
?

Weariness crossed
Mamm
’s face. “But the Mennonites, Katie?
Da Hah
has given us each other.”

Katie clung to
Mamm
’s hands. There was no use explaining or trying to justify herself. Her words would only tear at
Mamm
’s heart.

Mamm
turned to sit down. She pulled a handkerchief out of her dress pocket and dried her eyes. “I know I haven’t done everything right with you. I just wish you weren’t going through this rebellious stage. I never had to, and I turned out okay. Look how
Da Hah
sent me your
daett
to love even after what I’d done. I was happy with my life. Why can’t you be?”

“I’m sorry,” Katie whispered. “I can’t be happy with your life because it’s not my life. That’s not how
Da Hah
has willed it.” It was no use saying more, even if she could find something more to say. And she was already late leaving for work. Katie squeezed
Mamm
’s hand and left the kitchen to go to her bedroom. Minutes later she came down dressed for work.
Mamm
was still sitting at the kitchen table, dabbing her eyes. Katie almost rushed over to her, but she forced herself to walk out the front door.

If she stayed, they would only talk in circles again, and
Mamm
wouldn’t understand anyway. And Katie really did need to be at Byler’s on time. And she certainly wasn’t going to quit working there. Byler’s had been the doorway through which this new life had come to her, and closing it would be like turning her back on what she’d experienced. On that point
Mamm
was right. The job at Byler’s was to blame—but it was to blame for
gut
things.

Katie hurried toward the barn and harnessed Sparky. Leading him outside, she swung him under the shafts and hitched him up. Katie pulled herself up into the buggy. Slapping the reins gently against Sparky’s back, she drove down the lane. Looking back at the house, she saw the shadow of
Mamm
standing behind the drapes of the living room window to watch her leave.

Mamm
does love me, Katie told herself, her breath coming in sobs now. They loved each other, and somehow they would make their way through this hard time without destroying each other. How was that to be done?
Mamm
was already being destroyed from the looks of things. And Katie was afraid she’d be if she listened to
Mamm
.

Not attending the Mennonite youth gatherings again would be like crawling into a deep, dark hole after seeing the light of the morning sun rising over the horizon. She hadn’t known how dark her life had been until last night. Now there could only be a going forward. Surely
Da Hah
would look down and have mercy on a poor girl and her
mamm
who didn’t know how to keep the love they had between them from slipping away.

Katie passed two buggies. Although her eyes were blinded with tears, she waved to whomever it was. She saw no hand waving back, but it didn’t matter this morning. What mattered were the things happening inside her. She was being asked to leave what she loved to seize the feelings that drew her heart.

Katie wiped her eyes as she pulled into the parking lot at Byler’s. Arlene’s buggy was already there, so Katie unhitched Sparky and rushed inside. Hopefully Arlene wouldn’t notice she’d been crying. Katie took a quick look around and saw no one. She rushed to the bathroom in the back, sneaking around one aisle when she saw Arlene ahead deep in conversation with Mrs. Cole.

Katie splashed cold water on her face once and dried with a paper towel. She looked in the mirror at the unsatisfactory results. There were still splotches of red under her eyes. Katie ran her finger over her cheek, remembering
Mamm
standing behind the living room window drapes and almost burst into tears again. She choked back the sobs and washed her face again. It looked worse now, so she gave up and marched out with her head up and a smile pasted on her face. Perhaps if she acted confident and cheerful, no one would notice.

Katie heard Arlene and Mrs. Cole’s voices ahead of her, and she kept her head turned away as she came around the corner.

“Good morning!” Mrs. Cole called out.

Katie stopped and forced a smile as she turned to her boss. “
Gut
morning,” Katie returned.

“We’re almost ready to open,” Mrs. Cole said, glancing at her watch.

“
Yah
, I’m ready,” Katie said as she hesitated before heading on. Mrs. Cole was again deep in conversation with Arlene. Katie gathered herself together, and took her place behind the register.
Da Hah
had been with her, she told herself. No embarrassing scene had occurred, and soon her eyes wouldn’t show any signs of redness.

Katie smiled to the customers coming in, giving little waves of her hand. No one seemed to notice her misery, and she began to breathe easier.

“How are you this morning?” Arlene asked from behind her.

Katie jumped.

Arlene laughed. “Scared you, huh? Or are you feeling guilty about that Mennonite birthday party I heard you went to last night?”

“I’m not feeling guilty,” Katie said at once. “I had a
gut
time. And they are the nicest people I’ve ever met in my life.”

“Whoa there!” Arlene laughed again. “Did Roy Coblenz ask you home or something?”

“Of course not,” Katie shot back. “But he was quite nice to me, and he’s very
gut
looking.”

Arlene eyes got bigger. “Why, Katie Raber! You’re changing right in front of my eyes. I do declare, you even have rosy cheeks this morning. Have you fallen in love? Just like that?”

Katie thought of laughing, but she didn’t. “I’m not in love.” Well, she might be in love—with Ben Stoll. But it probably wasn’t love if the other person didn’t love you back. Katie’s ears perked up as Arlene went on.

“Talking about love, listen to this. Ruth Troyer has been talking openly at the women’s sewing about how widower Jesse Mast needs a new
mamm
for his children. She just talked on and on about it last week, my
mamm
said. John Yoder’s wife finally asked her right out why she doesn’t make herself available.
Mamm
said Ruth kind of held her head in the air, like she’d already thought of that idea and planned to do something about it. That’s one bold woman, I say, setting her
kapp
for Jesse. But then who knows what a person would do if she were getting older like Ruth and didn’t have many options available.”

Katie caught herself before she gasped aloud. She must not reveal that
Mamm
was affected by this in any way. If Arlene found out that Jesse had been over to their house twice to speak with
Mamm
of marriage, this would really set the women’s tongues to wagging. And neither her
mamm
nor she needed such a thing happening on top of everything else that was going on. Katie turned away from Arlene and opened her register in hopes a customer would come quickly to her station. As if in answer to her wish, a woman came out of the bread aisle and headed straight for Katie’s register.

“Well, talk to you later,” Arlene said as another customer approached Arlene’s register.

Katie took a deep breath. She smiled at the woman in front of her as she began scanning the grocery items.

At least for now
Da Hah
seemed to be looking out for her.

Chapter Twenty-Three

Jesse drove his buggy through the falling dusk, keeping Lucy on the right side of the road as an
Englisha
car approached. He let the lines go slack as Lucy moved away from the ditch once the vehicle passed. He stared off toward the horizon. The silence of the evening hung heavy in the air. There wasn’t much of a sunset, Jesse noticed. Just a clear sky with the sun disappearing from sight. Clouds would add color—not that he liked clouds in the sky—but
Da Hah
did make them for a purpose.

A slight smile crept onto Jesse’s face. If clouds added color to one’s life, then he must have color running all the way through his right now. He’d left Mabel in tears back at the house after he told her where he was going. There’d been no reason to hide his destination. Mabel would find out anyway. He figured if he told Mabel ahead of time, the news would be easier to take. But he’d been wrong. And now he was deliberately seeing a woman his children objected to. And on top of that, a woman who didn’t want to see him.

He was a fool, he supposed, to even make another try with Emma. But his hopes remained high. Perhaps Emma would listen to reason tonight. The problem was he had no new reasons to give her. Just the old ones—all of them already rejected by Emma. He’d already said, “I think
Da Hah
wants us together” and “I find a love stirring in my heart for you.”

Jesse sighed, thinking about it. He couldn’t get all mushy with words again tonight. But he could ask Emma straight out to marry him. If there was anything he’d learned from his relationship with Millie, it was to follow his heart. And
Da Hah
had stirred his heart in Emma’s direction. He was certain of that.

His feelings must not cause him to act like a teenager in love. That much he knew. Jesse smiled at the thought of love-struck teenagers and how they pursued each other with constant glances and mushy words.
Nee
, that wasn’t how he felt about Emma, but his affection for her was genuine and would make for a happy marriage—if only she could see it.

He could always ask for Ruth’s hand in marriage. He’d thought long and hard about the matter again. She was obviously available, and the children loved her. She would make a decent wife, he supposed, although she didn’t stir his heart the way Emma did. The woman did know how to cook. The pecan pie she’d brought over certainly had been lip-smacking
gut
. Perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad to have pecan pie every week. He might fatten up with such
gut
eating, but he could use some fattening. Jesse looked down at his stomach and smiled. “It’ll take more than pecan pie, I’m afraid,” he said out loud. Lucy twirled one ear back as if she were listening.

The Rabers’ house appeared ahead of him, and Jesse leaned out of the buggy to look up at the sky. He murmured, “You’d better give me a little help this time,
Hah
, or she’s over the fence, I’m afraid.”

Lucy quickened her pace as they approached the place. He might as well arrive looking like an eager teenager, he decided. Keeping up the speed, he steered into Emma’s driveway, causing his buggy to tilt sideways. Perhaps he could get Emma’s attention with reckless driving if nothing else. He pulled to a stop with a loud “Whoa!” He leaned out and then leaped to the ground. He reached for the tie rope under the front seat and secured Lucy to the hitching post. He turned around and, not seeing anyone, marched up the sidewalk and knocked on the front door. Footsteps came at once, and he took a step back.

The door opened and Katie stood there smiling.

“
Gut
evening, Katie,” Jesse said. “Is your
mamm
home?”

“
Yah
,” Katie said and motioned with her head. “Would you like to come in?”

She was looking strangely at him, Jesse thought, but there was also hope and happiness in her eyes. He glanced down at his shirt and pants. Perhaps he still carried crumbs from Ruth’s pecan pie? But nothing appeared out of order. “
Nee
,” he said, taking off his hat. “Please tell your
mamm
I’ll wait for her on the porch swing.” He might as well be a real youngster and go for the swing right away, he figured. This would be a proper courting tonight—if any courting was going to happen. Emma might have nothing more to say to him than she had before. Basically “a
gut
day to you” and “a
gut
farewell.”

Katie nodded and closed the door.

Jesse walked over to the porch swing and sat down. It was
gut
to sit on the swing again tonight. Farm work didn’t leave much time or inclination to sit on swings. A man needed a woman to remind him what swings were for—reflection and meditation on the better things in life. He jumped to his feet when the front door squeaked on its hinges. Emma appeared wearing a slight smile on her face. He stepped toward her, and she offered him her hand.

“
Gut
evening. I thought that was your buggy coming in the driveway,” Emma said.