Katie Opens Her Heart (28 page)

Emma sighed. Life without Katie felt empty. What had she done wrong, anyway? Emma pondered the question and soon came up with plenty of answers. None of them made her look like a very decent mother. She’d given Katie plenty of reason to doubt her in the past. All those lectures she’d given about love and marriage had been a mistake. She could see that now.

What had been wrong with her back then? Those old fears felt like wild imaginations now. Thankfully
Da Hah
was moving her away from all that, even if Katie wasn’t fully with her any longer.

Emma stood and walked over to the kitchen window. The barn sat flooded in bright sunlight. Their two cows stood in the barnyard chewing their cud. Emma groaned and wrung her hands. If only Jesse were here this morning to speak with Katie. Emma caught herself up short. Jesse hadn’t done that well convincing Katie the other evening. But she couldn’t be blamed for wishing he had, she supposed. Besides, they weren’t yet wed, and he had his own children to care for. Perhaps things would go better when they had Jesse’s full attention. Emma’s thoughts lingered on Jesse’s conversation with Katie. He’d wished her well with her plans to attend the Mennonite youth gathering. Didn’t Jesse know the girl needed to be handled with a firm hand and not encouragement to continue in her wrong ways?
That’s enough thinking about this
, Emma told herself. She hadn’t done that well with Katie either. But the negative thoughts continued to rush in.

Emma gave up with a sigh. What if Jesse didn’t know how to help Katie straighten out her life? Emma felt herself turn cold at the thought. Look at all the trouble they were running into already. For one, Jesse’s children didn’t want anything to do with her, and Katie didn’t want anything to do with Jesse’s children, and Ruth was surely wagging her tongue all over the community by now, telling everyone what a great mistake Jesse was making in courting her.

Emma tried to calm her sagging emotions. She knew once what love was. What if
Da Hah
was allowing it again? Was there not hope rising in her heart? Impossible as both love and helping Katie seemed, she must not turn back. Even in the face of great difficulty…even with Ruth Troyer around. Anger stirred. What nerve that woman had, coming right into Jesse’s home and baking pecan pies for him. Why, if that was all it took to win a man’s heart, she should’ve been baking pecan pies years ago instead of sitting here raising Katie on her own.

A smile played on Emma’s face. The truth be told, even Ruth Troyer knew that baking pies wasn’t the whole story. That was why she weaseled herself into the hearts of Jesse’s children first. So why didn’t she, Emma Raber, go over and charm Jesse’s children too? Emma laughed out loud at that thought. She had no more hope of winning the hearts of Jesse’s children than Ruth had of capturing Jesse using pecan pies. Emma was a strange woman to Jesse’s children. She was a heartbroken woman, a woman who had lived alone for years, a woman who had her own daughter to raise. What chance did she have with Jesse’s children?

Questions raced through Emma’s mind. Why did life have to be so hard? Why did Ezra have to die? Why couldn’t he have lived these years on earth with her? They would have had more children by now, and Ezra would have known how to deal with Katie.

Emma paced the floor. She had to stop thinking like this. It couldn’t be pleasing to
Da Hah
. He had taken Ezra, and she needed to be strong. An answer would come for their problems. Katie couldn’t be lost completely. How could she? She was her daughter. She’d raised Katie with great love in her heart. That had to mean something.

Emma glanced at the clock on the kitchen wall and gasped. The load of wash was still in the basement. What in the world was wrong with her? She’d come up to work in the kitchen and had spent all the time thinking about her troubles instead. And now she was leaving the load of wash in for much too long. Emma raced downstairs and swung the wringer around to turn the rollers on. She set the empty hamper on a wooden bench behind her and began to feed the wet wash through. The roar of the motor filled her ears, but even then the questions didn’t stop.

She had fallen into her old ways this morning. She’d spoken for twenty minutes or more with Katie this morning after breakfast, like she always had during Katie’s growing up years, but the words no longer seemed to take root. Emma knew better, but hadn’t been able to stop herself. Katie still listened, but it was different now. Katie heard with her ears, but she no longer heard with her heart.

Emma kept running the wash through the ringer with her mind miles away, thinking back over the years. If Ruth Troyer wished to damage her relationship with Jesse, she could bring up her crush on Daniel Kauffman and her mad dash out of his wedding. Likely Ruth knew the story. Her feelings for Daniel had been pretty obvious to anyone who was watching. Not that Jesse would have noticed. He saw nothing but Millie in those days, and boys didn’t usually notice such things anyway. But Ruth had reason now to spread her knowledge abroad. And Ruth would remind Jesse of this common knowledge. The question was whether Jesse would care.

Emma ran another piece of wash through the wringer with her brow wrinkled in concentration. There had to be something she could do about this problem. Perhaps she could join Ruth in her bold venture into Jesse’s home? She could answer Ruth with her own method. But how was she to do that? Did one drive up to Jesse’s house and knock on the door? Jesse wouldn’t be in during the day. He’d be out in the fields working. Only Mabel would be at the house, and her eyes would blaze with fury at Emma Raber showing up on her doorstep. Especially if Ruth had spread her vicious gossip.

Emma ran the last piece of wash through the ringer and refilled the washing machine. A widow everyone thought was strange would probably look worse to Mabel than a meddler like Ruth. And a daughter’s heart would be close to her
daett
, especially after her
mamm
had passed away. This couldn’t help but have an effect on Jesse.

Emma wiped away a quick tear thinking about it. She mustn’t blame Jesse for what he wasn’t doing, Emma told herself. He showed no signs of being influenced by Mabel’s opinion. He loved Mabel and brought
gut
correction at the same time, like a
gut daett
should. This was something Katie had never experienced. If Ezra had lived, he would have loved Katie with all of his heart, and Katie would have loved him in return. But all of that had been lost, and she’d done a poor job of filling the gap.

Emma’s eyes filled with tears as she walked outside into the blazing sunlight with her hamper of wet wash. She was Emma Raber, she told herself. She’d lived many years withdrawn from her people, and now she was reaping the consequences of that behavior. Katie was forsaking her, and Jesse’s children were rejecting her. And she couldn’t blame either—not one bit. She would act exactly like they were acting if she were in their shoes. If there was any trip she ought to make, it was a fast one over to Jesse’s place to inform him that he should never visit her again. But she refused to give in even to that despair. No doubt this was
Da Hah
’s way of showing her that she wouldn’t be getting off easy for the wrongs done in the past. No one ever did. Who was she to think that love could spring up in her heart again—if it really was love—without trouble coming with it?
Da Hah
was giving again, the
gut
and the bad, and she must accept both from His hand.

Emma set the hamper of wash on the ground and began clipping the laundry to the line, letting the tears run freely down her face. In all her lectures with Katie, Emma had always been certain they had a precious love between them. Yet she must try to see things as Katie was seeing them. What she had called love was to Katie nothing more than a muddy puddle of water lying in the barnyard—something fit for Molly and Bossy to stomp around in. Had she failed to supply the fresh rivers of love that all human beings needed each and every day?

Emma walked back to the basement in silence and began running the next load of wash through the ringer. Yet
Da Hah
had not allowed her to die in this house alone. She must not be in despair. He’d sent Jesse to her. She must keep hoping and believing, even if Katie didn’t see things her way and even if Katie never stopped going to the Mennonites. That was the only answer.

Chapter Thirty-Four

Later that day Emma stood at the kitchen window watching her wash flapping in the wind. The plate she’d used for her lunch lay on the table behind her. The pan of warmed-over casserole was also there, still steaming. The bread bag was tied shut, with the butter and jam jars closed. The meal, meager though it had been, had lifted her spirits. Emma turned and transferred the plate to the sink. She ran water and soap over it and left it on the counter. Her wash should be dry by now, she figured. She needed to keep working to keep any dark clouds at bay. They would be back soon enough, with so much of her life still filled with unresolved trouble. But she would pray harder and trust
Da Hah
for His mercy. That was something that had never failed her.

Emma went down the basement stairs and picked up the empty hamper to go outside. She arrived at the clothesline. The first piece was dry, and so was the second one. Her hamper was half full when she heard buggy wheels on the road coming in from the east. Emma straightened her back and stared in that direction. It was from there, she thought, that she and Jesse had come racing home on Friday night.

Emma smiled at the memory. She’d been stealing brief glances behind her all the way home. Jesse had looked so earnest while seated on the buggy seat, his eyes blazing and his beard flying over his shoulder. Still she had kept her horse moving at a fast clip for most of the journey, not ready to give in yet. She must learn to give in sooner, she told herself, especially when
Da Hah
was at work. And she must even do so when anger was rising inside of her over a perceived injustice. How much had she already missed in life through her stubbornness and fear? But life was surely changing now, and she must also be thankful for that.

Out on the road, a woman leaned from the buggy to wave. Emma waved back. The woman looked like Bishop Miller’s wife, Laura, but it was hard to tell with the
kapp
in the way. Emma watched the buggy disappear into the distance before continuing to fill her hamper with wash. Someday she would be old like the bishop and his wife, and hopefully she’d have the same grace on her life then that the bishop and his wife had now. It could easily have turned out differently. She could be bitter at heart and even weirder than she was now. All of that would have happened if
Da Hah
hadn’t worked a fresh grace in her life.

Da Hah
was helping her, and she should do what she could to keep the dark thoughts at bay. And there was something she could do and should do. She must make that visit to Jesse’s place. Even if self-invited visits were one of the low tricks Ruth Troyer practiced. Emma had reasons Ruth didn’t. She was Jesse’s promised one. It would do her
gut
to act like it, and Jesse would be pleased, she was sure. He had come over to her place often enough without asking her first.

On impulse, Emma hurried to take in her wash and dumped the pile on the living room couch before rushing out to the barn. If she hurried, she could be back before Katie came home from work. Jesse’s place wasn’t that far. And she wouldn’t stay that long anyway.

Emma threw the harness on her horse and led him out of the barn. She hitched him to the buggy. Moments later she was urging the horse down the road, trying to keep thoughts of Ruth’s Friday night visit out of her mind. It would do no
gut
even remembering such things. No doubt Jesse had taken care of Ruth and sent her packing. But what if he hadn’t? Emma pushed the dark thought away, but it wouldn’t leave.

Was she making a mistake? Should she have stayed home and let Jesse come to her? That’s what she had always done before. There was still time to turn back, Emma told herself. But she couldn’t do it. That would be giving in to fear, would it not? She couldn’t give in again. Not now when she was so close. Emma clutched the reins as the negative thoughts descended on her like rain clouds opening up during a wild, summer thunderstorm.

How had she ever imagined that marriage to Jesse was possible? How could she be a
gut mamm
to Jesse’s wonderful children? How did she dare think that Mabel and Carolyn would ever speak well of her? They had lost their real
mamm
not that long ago, and they had opened their hearts to Ruth. She was dreaming impossible dreams when it concerned Jesse’s children. No smiles would ever play on their faces at the sight of her. There would never be little feet running to meet her and hugs given when they arrived. Kind words would never be spoken in her presence. Jesse would never sit beside her on his living room couch looking on approvingly as she mothered his children. She would never feel at home in Jesse’s kitchen—not after Ruth had been there with her pecan pies to steal their hearts.

And for Katie it would be even worse. Katie might join the Mennonites for
gut
the week after the wedding, her heart broken over how she was being used. Emma knew she clearly wasn’t
gut
enough to be the best
mamm
to Jesse’s children. She was not even
gut
enough to love Katie. All of this was so plain to see now. Emma squeezed her eyes shut, slapping the reins and moments later pulling into Jesse’s driveway. Her head was now pounding with pain. Maybe it was just as well she’d come. Now she could tell Jesse the truth and be done with it. This marriage idea was not going to work.