Katie Opens Her Heart (29 page)

Emma glanced around. No one was in sight, so she stopped the horse by the hitching post and climbed down. She pulled the tie rope out from under the front seat and tied the horse before she glanced toward the house. She couldn’t see anyone, but Mabel would no doubt be waiting inside. There was no way she could go in there. Not with her heart in despair like it was.

“Dear
Hah
, help me,” Emma prayed. “I don’t know what I should do now.”

Emma looked across Jesse’s fields and spotted a team of horses in the distance. Jesse and his two boys must be working way back there. It would look mighty strange for her to go tramping all that way on foot. Yet she would do so because she had to find Jesse. To get there the shortest way was through the barn, she figured. Let people think what they wished. Jesse would know what words needed to be spoken to soothe the turmoil in her head and heart.

Emma pushed open the barn door and entered. She paused a moment to adjust her eyes. A slight noise came from behind one of the stalls, but she paid it no attention. The door to the barnyard was ahead of her, and that was where she needed to go.

She was halfway there when Jesse’s voice stopped her. “Emma? What are you doing here?”

She didn’t move as the blood pounded in her face.

“I thought I heard noises outside a moment ago,” Jesse said. “But I was too busy with my harness repair to check.”

She turned, taking in the leather harness draped over the wooden bench. Jesse’s hands were oil streaked, but his face wore a big smile. Tears wanted to spring to her eyes, but Emma held them back. “Jesse,” she whispered, and he smiled again. “I had to come over…I was thinking I could help out perhaps…but on the way these horrible thoughts kept coming. I don’t know what to do. Maybe we shouldn’t go on…you and I?”

“What are you talking about?” Jesse’s hand swept the dust from the bench he’d been sitting on. “Come and sit down, Emma. You look pale.”

She shouldn’t sit down, Emma told herself, shaking her head. She should go home.

Jesse stood and stepped closer. “Come, you’re going to pass out if you don’t sit.”

“I’m not going to pass out!” she wanted to shout. The truth was she didn’t know if she could speak at all. Jesse’s eyes were doing strange things to her heart. She was nothing but a weak woman, Emma thought. She was unable to handle life, and her heart was going where it had no business going. What right had she to even think she could love this man enough to make him happy?

“Emma.” Jesse took both of her hands and led her over to the bench. Emma sat down before breaking out into sobs.

Jesse waited until her cries had died down before asking, “What’s wrong, dear?”

“I’ll be okay,” Emma choked out. “My thoughts just got dark on the way over here. It’s…it’s the past, I think. It’s too many years of living by myself with just Katie…of thinking only of the two of us. Of dwelling on my own pain.”

“Emma, don’t,” Jesse murmured. “Who has been saying these awful thoughts to you? Has Ruth visited you?”

“Ruth?” Emma shook her head. “Of course not. She wouldn’t do something like that.”

Jesse didn’t look convinced.

Emma ignored the topic of Ruth. She had more important things to think of right now. “It’s just that your children don’t want me. And Katie isn’t going to stop running around with the Mennonites. And you don’t know everything about me either. If you knew the truth, you wouldn’t want to marry me.”

“I see.” Jesse still held her hands. “Do you want to tell me what that truth might be?”

“
Nee
.” Emma looked away. “I suppose Ruth has already told you.”

His voice was quiet but clear. “I’d like to hear your side.”

Emma’s head spun. So her fears weren’t without reason. Ruth had spoken with Jesse, and he was doubting her. Perhaps she was already lost. But she must tell her side. There was no other way but the truth, no matter what Jesse would decide. Thankfully her tears weren’t running now. And it was best this way—that Jesse know the truth from her lips.

“I acted very foolishly in my youth,” Emma began, not looking at him. “I had a serious crush on a boy—a man you know—Daniel Kauffman. Anyway, I hung on his every word and smile for years, even after he started dating another girl. I kept on hoping he would stop seeing his girlfriend and turn back to me. I kept hoping right up to their wedding day. Only when I heard them saying their vows did I give up. And then my heart turned to stone. I created quite a scene by storming out and driving out right in front of everyone—right past the bride and groom as they were coming out of the house.”

She paused and listened to Jesse’s breathing beside her. He seemed calm. Had she said too much? Was he going to send her away now? Did she need to get up and walk out the door?

“Go on,” Jesse encouraged.

Emma jumped. “But I’ve told you everything.”

“No, you haven’t. Tell me about Ezra.”

Emma drew in her breath, her fingernails digging into the palms of his hands. What did Jesse want to know? But deep down she knew what he wanted, but she didn’t want to tell him. It would be like tearing her heart apart for his eyes to look in and judge her. And she would be doing it in front of someone who might turn around and walk away, someone whose opinion she cared about a lot.

A cry sprang to her lips, but she choked it back.

Jesse was still waiting, saying nothing.

Emma took a deep breath and began. “I married Ezra because he was the first man who asked me after Daniel’s wedding. I’d made such a mess of my life. I thought, ‘Why shouldn’t I?’ Ezra loved me,
yah
. That’s what he said anyway. And I knew it was the truth. Perhaps that’s why I allowed him to go through with the wedding. I knew I would never love him. My heart had become frozen because of Daniel.”

“But you learned to love Ezra?” Jesse’s voice was soft beside her.

“
Yah
, I did. It was because of Katie.” She took a deep breath. “My heart opened to him when Katie was in my womb. It was as if a great gift had been given to us from
Da Hah
.”

“How did you learn to love me?” His fingers moved on her hand.

A sob caught in her throat. “I’m not sure that I do, Jesse. But I do know that Katie pulled my heart toward you. At first because I thought you could help her. And then I heard Ezra’s voice in Katie’s words, telling me how wrong I had been. You are a decent man, Jesse. Any woman could see that. It would be hard to not like you.”

“Emma.” He pulled her close to him, carefully keeping his oily hands away from her dress. “You shouldn’t argue with what
Da Hah
is doing in our hearts. There is more going on than you know. And
Da Hah
doesn’t make mistakes.”

“But what about what I already told you? About Daniel Kauffman. About how I acted?”

“You speak like a truthful woman, Emma. And I’m okay with that. It’s Mabel who is our problem.”

“Mabel knows everything about me?”

Jesse frowned. “
Yah
, Ruth told her some things. But you are going to be
my frau
, Emma. We’ll deal with Mabel together.”

Emma wept, sobbing into his shoulder. He held her tight, even while being careful to avoid getting her dirty.

Chapter Thirty-Five

Sometime later Emma still had her head on Jesse’s shoulder. But she was laughing now at his continued efforts to keep his oily hands away from her dress.

“Let me get this stuff wiped off,” Jesse finally said, unhooking his arm from around Emma’s shoulders.

Emma took both of his hands in hers, looking up into his face. “I was once used to dirt on a man’s hands, and I guess I can get used to it again.” She held her breath as it looked like Jesse was going to lean forward and kiss her. It had been a long time since she had kissed a man. Things were moving so fast, but if
Da Hah
was in it as Jesse claimed—well, her heart was strangely filled with joy. She lifted her face toward his, working one hand loose to run her fingers through his beard.

Just then the barn door burst open behind them.

“
Daett
, I want to…” Mabel called as she rushed in.

Jesse let go of Emma’s hand.

“Oh!” Mabel stopped mid-stride. “I see someone’s with you.”

Mabel knew
gut
and well there was someone with her
daett
, Emma thought, and she had known who that person was.
She surely saw my buggy outside
. Mabel was here not just to see what was going on, but to break up whatever was happening. Apparently Jesse had arrived at the same conclusion from the look on his face.

Still Jesse managed a smile. “Emma stopped by, and we’ve been talking.”

“Oh…” Mabel shifted from one foot to the other.

“Come, shake Emma’s hand,” Jesse said.

“
Nee
.” Emma heard her own voice counter Jesse’s. “Mabel doesn’t have to if she doesn’t want to.” She knew it wouldn’t help Mabel’s opinion of her if she were forced to do something uncomfortable.

“I don’t mind.” Mabel smiled and came closer. “
Daett
, I need you to look at the washing machine motor. It hasn’t been running well this morning.”

Jesse appeared perplexed. “You should have said something before this if it wasn’t working. I’ll check it this evening, Mabel. Emma’s here right now, and you’re done with your wash for the day, aren’t you?”

Mabel nodded while offering Emma her hand.

Emma shook it, trying to smile. “I’m afraid my hands are a little dirty.” She turned both up for Mabel to see. Faint oil streaks ran across her fingers and into her palms. Mabel’s eyes darted from Emma hands to her
daett
’s and then up at his beard, where small specks of oil glittered on several hair strands.

It wasn’t that hard for Mabel to make the connection, Emma figured. Her hands had been in Jesse’s beard, and Mabel would think they’d been kissing, which they had—or almost had.

Thankfully Jesse didn’t seem all that concerned. He nodded as if to acknowledge the obvious. “
Yah
, Emma and I have been talking. I’m glad you came out when you did. I was wondering when we should tell you.”

“Tell me what?” Mabel stepped backward.

“That Emma and I are to wed before too long.”

“But
Daett
!” Mabel gasped. “Ruth was just here, and you know what she told you. How can you still do this?”

Jesse nodded. “I know this may seem a little sudden to you, and I understand that. But like I said at the breakfast table, what Ruth Troyer said means nothing to me. She didn’t say anything I didn’t already know. And Emma is the one I’ve chosen for my
frau
.”

“But…but…” Mabel sputtered, stepping back and almost falling over a bale of hay as she burst into sobs.

Jesse moved forward and caught Mabel’s arm. He helped her sit on a nearby straw bale, and then he sat beside her.

He would have put his arms around her shoulders, Emma figured, if his hands hadn’t been so oily. She waited as Mabel’s wails pierced the air and sent chills up and down her spine.
I will not run away
, she told herself. She slowed her breathing, willing herself to calm down. None of this was Jesse’s fault. And neither was it her fault. She had not chosen Jesse. He claimed this was
Da Hah
’s doings. So how could she run away even if Jesse’s children didn’t yet understand? She couldn’t, she decided, even if Mabel never learned to like her and even if Katie never came back to the faith. She needed to be strong now and stand with Jesse…with her intended husband. Only if he changed his mind and asked her to leave would she do so. She stood up and trembled as she walked to the bench where Jesse had been working. She looked around and found a clean rag. One was stuck in a corner where Jesse had no doubt placed it. It would do for now. She took the rag to him.

A slight smile spread across his face as he wiped his hands. Then he slipped his arm around Mabel’s trembling shoulders.

“I don’t understand any of this,” Mabel whispered, sniffling hard.

Emma pulled her handkerchief from her dress pocket and handed it to Jesse, who passed it on to Mabel.

“This may be hard to understand,” Jesse was telling her, “but like I told you this morning, I don’t want any more discussion of what Ruth has to say about anything. Ruth is not your
mamm
and she never will be.”

Mabel rubbed her eyes with Emma’s handkerchief but didn’t look up.

Emma moved over beside Jesse. “Should I leave?” she asked softly when he looked up at her. She could make a quick dash for the door, she thought. She wouldn’t be running away—not if Jesse agreed it was best for her to go. She could come back another day.

Jesse shook his head and reached for Emma’s hand.

Tears were close to coming again, Emma thought. How truly great this man was. He understood her anguish, but he wanted her to stay. Somehow he knew how to reach out to her. Somehow he knew what she needed. He even chose the right moment to give her courage to stay because he must have known that her running away would take more work later to fix. The way ahead might be long and hard already.