Keep Breathing (3 page)

Seth

Six years ago…

MEMORIES SCENTED WITH
beer and pizza smells wafting around the fraternity house like they’d embedded themselves into the walls and furniture, filling my head with so many past parties and times gone by. I held a plastic cup of alcohol, but it remained, for the most part, untouched. The music made the walls vibrate, and the picture frames moved with the beat. Nothing could have put me in a festive mood that day, not even having Penny in the same room, because what I had to do was like asking me to hack off an arm.

She was chatting it up with a group of girls. I didn’t know any of them, but were groupies of some of the guys in the house. Some of them were already blasted while others were off in dark corners with some of the guys, lost in deep, passionate embraces as they nearly consumed each other. All I could think about was Penny, the way she laughed, the way her dark brown hair fell into her face and how she was constantly
, but uselessly, shoving it behind her ears. No one here was like her. No one had my heart but this one woman. And I was about to break hers into a thousand tiny little shards.

My visa was expiring, and as soon as I ended the school year, I’d have to leave the US and try to return one way or another. They’d refused to grant me another since I still hadn’t gotten a job. I needed a job to stay, but it was madness how they ran things at the Immigration department. They’d been less than helpful. Once I left, I wasn’t sure how long it’d be before they’d let me return.
It was at a bad time and a good time. My father was ill, and I needed to help my mother take care of him back in Moldova. But I’d have to break up with Penny and let her go her own way. I couldn’t expect her to uproot her life here to follow me.

Eyeing her pink lips as they moved to whatever she was adding to the conversation, I wanted to rush across the room, sweep her up and make
mad love to her one more time before smashing her heart to bits. It’d be better this way, at least that’s what I had told myself. If I told her the truth about leaving, she’d want to go with me and not finish her college degree. I couldn’t let that happen, she had so much going for her.  I couldn’t be the one to hold her back like that, even if I was madly in love with her.

“Hey, you.” Penny slipped her arms around my waist. I had been so lost in my thoughts, I hadn’t realized she had made her way across the room
to me. “You’re looking mighty glum for being at a party.” Her lips found their way across my neck, and I felt the edges of her teeth nip my earlobe. It sent an electrifying jolt through me, and I held up my hands and stepped back. The hurt in her eyes killed me.

“Penny, I….”

“What’s wrong?”

I gulped. I had to do it. I had to.

“I don’t want to stay together anymore.”

She stared at me, stunned and unable to even form words. I felt like was going to hell for doing this. It was so wrong, so wrong.

“What are you doing?” She managed to choke out after a moment.

“I want to see other people.”

A lie.

“What? How can you say that?”

“I…I’m not feeling this anymore.”

Lies, lies.

“Excuse me?” Her face was flushing scarlet, but the pain shot from her eyes like daggers. “Are you fucking kidding me?” I flinched at her words, knowing full well she really wanted to not believe me. She knew me better than I knew myself.

“No, Penny. I’m serious
.”

“Are you…
seeing someone else?” Her voice cracked, and the knot in my throat grew.

“Yes.”

Lies, lies, lies!

She said nothing further, but her face changed to a deadly serious mask. “Who
is she?”

“What?” I was confused.

“Prove it. Who is she? Go to her and kiss her. Kiss her like you kiss me. Show me you don’t love me anymore.” Her challenge turned her features icy cold, and I began sweating under the heat of all the bodies gyrating around us.

“Penny, I don’t think that’s necessary.”

“Liar.”

“I’m not lying.”

Lies, lies, lies, lies!

She closed the gap between us, her lips hover
ed a mere centimeter from my own. It made me hold my breath. To breathe her scent in was to admit I was a liar. Don’t breathe…

“Kiss me, then.” She leaned forward, closing the gap between us.
I fought my desire to wrap my body around her and do as she asked. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t show her I still cared. I stepped back, again.

“Penny
, don’t do this.”

Her rage returned and tears spilled from her shiny eyes. “Fuck you, Seth! You want to throw it all away, just like that? At least show me it was worth it.
Show me how you kiss her.”

I was disgusted by her challenge, but I knew full well she was right. If I didn’t prove it to her, she’d know I was lying and interrogate me until I broke and fessed up. I couldn’t let that happen, it’d ruin
everything for both of us.

“Fine, but don’t come crying to me when it’s all said and done.” My face turned still as stone as I tried to tuck away every little feeling I had for her and walked away. Who could I kiss to convince her that our love was over with?
No one could prove such a lie.

Caroline’s laugh echoed across the hall toward me, and I breathed out a sigh of relief. She was nuts about me, and she’d definitely let me kiss her. I’d seen the way her desire burned in her eyes every time I’d pass her in the halls. She’d be an easy hit, soft like putty to meld
any which way I pleased. I was sure that if I asked her out, she’d jump at the chance without hesitation.

I made my way toward her long, dirty-blonde locks as she flicked her mane back. Her overly loud laugh let me know she’d already had a few drinks and would be as loose as an oiled gear in my hands.
It disgusted me to think this way, but I had to focus. My stomach clenched as I reached her, slid my hands around her skinny waist, pulled her hair to the side and kissed her soft neck. She stiffened, but turned, and a high-voltage smile formed on her lips. She was ecstatic, and I leaned forward, finding her pretty mouth and devouring it like there was no tomorrow. Closing my eyes, it was easy to pretend she was Penny, even with a completely different scent of perfume. She matched my rhythm and threw her arms around my neck, grinding her body against mine.

As I slowly turned my head, she continued lavishing kisses on my neck and earlobe. Her hands made their way down my chest and over my rear, slipping her fingers into my pockets. I found Penny across the room, tears running down her cheeks. Her chest heaved as she tried to wrangle in her breathing, and I was pretty sure an anxiety attack would overtake her soon.

It was the worst thing I’d ever done, and my eyes never left her, even as she turned and shoved her way through the crowd, all oblivious to her turmoil before she flew out the front door. I wanted to run after her, tell her I was so sorry and that she was right. I was an ass. A stupid, lying fool.

Yet, I didn’t, and I let Caroline drown me in her overpowering scent. I still had my beer in my hand, and I brought it to my lips, downing some with a couple gulps. I was going to need way more than just one cup of beer to get through the night, not to mention the rest of the week.

How was I going to live without her? How? If I’d known back then what it had really cost me, I would’ve never done it and would’ve held onto her with every ounce of strength. But I hadn’t, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe.

Now that Penny was gone, I let go of Caroline, disgusted as I downed the last of the alcohol in my cup
as I rushed out of the stifling house. The burn felt good, like the fire incinerating my heart. This was worse than dying
−
this self-inflicted torture. I’d lost her and shattered the one true thing I’d ever had.

Seth

The present…A few days ago…

THE MORNING R
USH was in full swing, and I found the crowd irritating to say the least, but it did make the time fly by. It also kept my thoughts of Penny, a girl I used to date who’d been haunting my mind lately, out of my head as I rushed to mix the lattes, froth the cappuccinos and blend the shakes at my store Cup O’ Dream Coffee Shoppe. Owning the business along with my partner Mick, I’d had the good fortune to have gotten a prime location on the Las Vegas Strip and another little store near the University. All the tired casino workers scrambled in for their morning coffees from the all night shift or the early bird rotation.

Perfect for this kind of business.

Since I was manager, I didn’t have to help out in the rush, but it kept my mind busy, which is what I needed right now. Plus, the workers were a lot more willing to work hard when they saw their boss busting his ass alongside them. Definitely helped with respect around here, something that could very well be lacking in this line of work.

“Tall Mocha Latte!” Mick hollered out and scanned the awaiting crowd for the owner of the coffee when one straggly teen, looking exhausted and too young to be heading to a career job other than a summer job, claimed it.

“I need more cinnamon.” Shelly, the only other worker frowned as she powdered the top of a cinnamon roll coffee with the remnants of the cinnamon container.

“I’ll get some from the back.” I offered as I slid the
blended iced mocha toward Mick to hand out to its owner. The loud murmur of the crowd faded as I made my way back toward the storeroom, and the door slipped closed behind me. Scanning the shelves, I found the box with our extra cinnamon stores, pulled it down, grabbed two slender containers out and pushed the box back into its place.

The spicy scent from the cinnamon brought Penny’s face flashing
before my eyes again, and I remembered sitting at the mall, stuffing warm cinnamon rolls into our mouths until the frosting smeared across our lips and the sticky bread clung to our fingers. We’d joked and laughed, chatting it up about anything really. We’d gotten along so much during our time together, I’d never considered a future without her.

Yet,
things had changed.

I sighed, turning back toward the store
before I stopped suddenly, swinging my wallet out and fished for an old, worn photograph I’d stared at for endless days and nights when the loneliness crept in and the hours were long and unforgiving.

Penny. Her bright smile lit up the tattered photograph. I’d taken it on a trip to Disneyland, while we’d ridden the spinning teacups
, and she was determined to spin ours right off the platform. I’d taken the picture while the cup was in full motion and the blurred background made her look ethereal with her hair suspended in the wind.

I closed my eyes to remember it clearer. It’d been our first trip together to the theme park, my first. I think she’d been there a dozen times with her family and had made it her life’s mission to drag me there when she discovered I’d never been there.
I’d only moved to the States when I was sixteen. An exchange student at first, I’d remained here with my host family for as long as I could until I was able to secure residential status.

Working through school, there hadn’t been much money to go on school trips, much less the place where dreams come true… Still, Penny had taken the first opportunity we could when school was on break and dragged me to California to visit the theme park. It’d been an exhilarating day, ho
pping onto the roller coasters and rides, chatting it up with her in the lines, and snuggling her warm skin while watching the parade roll past as the night wore on. It’d been a dream date for me, and I’d taken lots of pictures to remember it forever.

This had been my favorite picture of Penny, the one I kept with me at all times.

I heard someone outside the door shuffling around, banging supplies and heading back to the counter, which snapped me out of my memories. Slipping the worn picture safely back into my equally worn wallet, I stuffed it back into my pocket and grabbed the cinnamon containers before heading back out into the chaotic morning.

Mick
walked past me, throwing me a knowing look before returning to making yet another vanilla caramel macchiato.

“So, did you get her number
, yet?” He poured the mixture into a cup drizzled with caramel syrup.

Mick was
the nosiest guy I knew.

“What? Who’s number?”

“That girl, the one you carry around in your wallet and drool over every now and then.” He smirked shaking his head as though I should’ve known who he was talking about.

“How do you know about…” Damn,
I hadn’t been discreet enough.

“
I see you staring at it all the time. Well? Did you call that chick?”

“No. I didn’t get her number
. I don’t even know where she is anymore.”

“Why not? You obviously like that
girl a lot. Why don’t you find her and ask?”

I shuffled
uncomfortably at his intrusion. He didn’t seem to notice or didn’t care. Pick one.

“It’s complicated.”

“She know about Cameron?”

I pressed my lips tight, not liking where the conversation was going. “No.
I haven’t seen her for six years.”

Mick laughed, letting his large belly bounce with his haughtiness. Damn bastard.

“Man, just some advice. When you do find her again, you better get that on the table right away. Women don’t like surprises.”

“I know that.”

“Just saying…” He pressed the top onto the drink and looked around. “Caramel Machiatto!”

One skinny guy arguing on his cellphone lifted his hand as he approached to claim his drink, turning red in the face from the caller’s words.

“Besides, she’s my ex-girlfriend from a few years ago. I don’t even know how to find her. It didn’t end well. I was a real jackass.”

“
Hey, look.” Mick wiped his large hands on the stained apron we all wore. “Sorry to hear that. I know it sucks when it doesn’t end right. You’ve got your work cut out for you if you don’t know where she is, but even if you find her, I’m afraid to tell ya, it might take a lot more than you think to win a girl back. You up for it?”

Remembering her bright smile and the air tugging
at her hair, the picture floated back into my mind.

“Yeah, she’s worth it. I loved her
, and I messed up. Got to make it right.”

Mick took in my words, nodding slightly before he grabbed a wet rag to wipe the counter’s messes down. “Then I say go for it. Give it your all. If you love her, it’s worth it. If it doesn’t work, then at least you can say it wasn’t for lack of trying.”

“Thanks for the pep talk.” I sighed. Somehow I felt more deflated than pepped.

“
Anytime.” Mick’s goofy grin always made me feel better but today, nothing could get me out of the low that kept wanting to creep in. Swallowing down my pride. I straightened and made a willful decision to stop sulking and get my plan going. I was going to win Penny back…period. If it took forever, so be it.

“I need a
green tea blended and a berry cherry smoothie!” Shelly called out as she made change for a woman and her young daughter.

“Got it!” I grabbed the plastic cups and started
dolling the ingredients into two blenders. When I was done and let the machines whirl to life, I peeked up at the awaiting customers. The place had emptied out considerably, and there was only this pair and one older lady waiting for their drinks. The woman with the young girl was in the middle of turning around to fuss with her about wanting to buy a candy bar off our selection behind them on the wall.

“Why can’t I get a chocolate?”

“I just got you a chocolate croissant. That’s enough.”

“Aww.” The girl looked disappointed
, but perked up as Shelley waved at her to come get her pastry.

I stepped back and turned before the woman
looked up to face me. The girl was a lot bigger now, though she still had the same baby cheeks and looked just like Joss. I’d recognize Penny’s cousin anywhere; they were always together throughout college and were best of friends. Hell, she’d even chewed my ass out when I had hurt Penny. She had laid into me in the middle of our college campus until she was purple in the face and everyone was staring at me. She wouldn’t be happy to see me again, whatsoever, and if she saw me now, I would be toast.
Crap.

I poured the drinks and capped them, plunging the straws in and leaving the paper still on the tips before I sighed. I had to suck it up, especially since not a moment before, Mick had announced he was on break
several minutes before and had walked into the break room.

Great.

Suck it up man…

I turned back and pasted the best smile I could before approaching the counter with the two drinks and came face to face with Joss.

The look utter shock, surprise and fury all blended into one was always a nice thing to see across that woman’s face. Joss had always given me warning looks when Penny and I had dated in college, as if she’d kill me if I would so much as hurt a hair on Penny’s head. Now, the fury at the growing recognition was slowly morphing her face into a madwoman, but she must’ve realized it in time, because she remembered to take a breath and rein in the madness that was sure to spill out of her mouth any minute right before she accepted her drink.

“Come on, Leah, let’s go.”

“But I wanted to sit and eat my croissant!” She stamped her foot down like the spoiled brat she can be. Even six years ago, the girl was a sassy little handful.

“Let’s eat outside.” Joss rushed her toward the door as fast as she could.

Mick burst back in, still munching on his breakfast as he pulled his apron back on and washed his hands. It was now or never. Something told me I’d never get another chance at this.

“Mick, I’m on break.”

“What? I’m not done.”

“Sorry, man. Just give me a few minutes.”

He nodded, but grumbled under his breath. He grabbed some paper towels and wiped the water off his skin.

I pulled my apron off, tossed it on the nearby counter
, and headed out to catch up with Joss.

Fate was calling, and I was answering it full
on.