Keep it Secret (24 page)

“I love you.” She said into
my hair.

“Me, too.”

Vanessa

My own mind was driving me
insane. I wanted to make Ava feel better. I wanted her to confide
in me, but the more I tried the further she pushed away. Even
without her honesty and her negativity, I still wanted to be there
for her. It was like I was experiencing my own form of Stockholm
Syndrome, Ava style. Part of me craved the relationship we had the
other hated the way her arrival brought the ugliness of my family
to light. Not to mention I was tired of the way she acted, the way
she spoke and presented herself. It was like she had no respect for
herself. Adding insult to injury, everyone seemed to bend over
backwards for her. She made stupid decisions in life, blamed them
all on losing her father and she was getting rewarded for it. While
here I was trying to do right by my parents, be the good girl
they've always told me to be and I was beginning treated like I had
committed murder for wanting a little freedom. That little vine was
becoming thicker and thicker as the days progressed, as I watered
it with a daily dose of Ava aggravation.

Ava

I sat on the white leather
couch for the first five minutes not saying anything.

“You seem more on edge than
normal.” He observed. I snorted half chuckled, no shit.

“Let me in on the joke.” He
said tapping his pen against his notepad.

“No, shit.” I
replied.

“No, shit?”

“I almost got into a fight,
at school.” As soon as I said it I was disappointed in myself. Why
had I let Katy get to me so badly? Stupid little rich girl
shouldn't even be on my radar.

“Ah, yes, I see. Hence
the
no shit
.” He
gave me those eyes of his that pushed me to continue.

“It’s a long story.” I hoped
that was enough for him, but I knew well it wouldn't be. He just
stared at me, with the same look.
Jesus
Christ
.

I sighed.

“This summer when we moved
here I went to a party with my cousin Declan. It was supposed to be
all college students or so I thought. I met a guy there and one
thing led to another and we ended up in a bathroom…” I looked up to
make sure he was picking up what I was putting down. His stare
looked back like he did.

“Well, it turns out this
guy, wasn't a college student. I bumped into him on the first day
of school turns out Gabriel, is my cousin’s crush who she's been
talking about all damn summer. I didn't know until later that day
when she pointed him out in the lunchroom. Gabriel and his friend
approached us at our lunch table when this girl, her name is Katy
Anderson, came up and started talking shit. She made up this
ridiculous rumor so I slammed her against the table top.” Just
remembering that day made me pissed. I could feel my hands ball up.
“So this same girl comes up today and starts talking shit, again.”
Sweet God Almighty, could this be any more high school?

“What happened that made you
slam Katy against the table top?” He asked as he scrunched his
forehead.

“She said I was my uncles
charity case.” Ridiculous, I know.

“Did this anger you because
your fear is to be someone’s charity case? Meaning, in your eyes
seeking help shows weakness. Something you were probably taught by
your father, a subject we have established you are highly sensitive
about.” He’s not a doctor of psychology for nothing.

I grunted. “Maybe. Also, I
didn't like the way she made Vanessa feel.”

“Vanessa, that’s your
cousin?” He asked, writing on his notepad.

I nodded as he looked up at
my answer.

“And today, what
happened?”

“Gabriel asked Vanessa to be
his girlfriend and during lunch Katy approached our table and said
Vanessa could have her sloppy seconds.”

“Did you slam her against
the lunch table again?” I couldn't help but chuckle.

“Um, no I just smiled at her
and blew her a kiss. We were interrupted by the
Headmistress.”

“I see.” He said writing on
his notepad, again.

“This boy, Gabriel, do you
like him?” My heart pounded in my chest I wasn't expecting him to
ask me that.

“That’s not something I want
to talk about.”

“All right. Do you always
fight your cousins battles?”

“I just try to look out for
her. Her old brother, Declan, never took his job as a big brother
seriously so I felt like I needed to make sure Van was always
protected.” I responded knitting my fingers together. Suddenly
feeling nervous.

“The way nobody protected
you.” It wasn't a question it was a fact, a fact that even though
was the truth, made me feel like shit. I felt my eyes begin to
water but I quickly blinked them away.

“Yeah, I guess.” For the
rest of the session doc asked questions about my dad until my time
was up. I scheduled another appointment same time next
Monday.

Over the next couple of months
nothing really changed school was the same. Gabriel and Vanessa
hung out all the time but hardly ever showed any PDA, ever. Which
was weird to me since he was very tactical with me. Gabriel and I
hardly spoke or looked at each other. Surprisingly, Talon became a
really fun person to be around him and Mallory began hooking up but
as she made it very clear to him she didn't want a boyfriend. I
continued to see Dr. Charles Parker every Monday after school. He
diagnosed me as an alcoholic. I said
no
shit
. He said as long as I didn't want
help he wasn't able to help me. I needed to want to change fist I
suspected he didn't push rehab because he probably thought if he
fixed my issues in regards to my dad it would help with my alcohol
intake. Rose and I’s relationship was better but still a little
awkward. My relationship with my aunt and uncle didn’t change much.
Vanessa and I began to spend more time together at home since I
hardly went out. And since Gabriel was busy with wrestling she was
also home a lot Mallory would often come over when she wasn't
hanging out with Talon. I enjoyed their company even Vanessa
loosened up a bit and was getting along with Mallory quit well. One
Monday in mid October, I sat in Dr. Charles Parker’s
office.

“Ava, we’ve come to a stand
still in your therapy.” Okay…

“What do you
mean?”

“You still have this
incredible anger towards the loss of your father, which is expected
when you lose someone so important as a parent but I believe the
amount of anger that you carry is not healthy.”

“I’ve continued to run as
you suggested. I even enrolled in a kick boxing class.” Which was
awesome it was a great workout and it felt good to kick shit. Not
to mention it transformed my body from curvy and soft to curvy and
toned. My butt had never looked so good.

“Yes, but that has not
seemed to help your anger. Has it?”

“No, I guess
not.”

“I believe that forgiveness
is the best form of healing, do you agree?” Where was he going with
this?

“I guess?”

“I purpose you speak to
Kimberly Baker.” Everything in the room went quiet and began to
spin. White noise whined against my eardrums.

“Ava?”

“What did you just
say?”

“I said—”

“You know what? Don't answer
I know what you said, are you fucking crazy? You'd have to be to
say something like that!” I began to stand and run the hell out of
the room. The doc sprang to his feet.

“Ava, hear me out you’re a
strong young women but in some aspects you are weak. Forgiving
Kimberly will give you the strength to turn a new page and begin to
actually enjoy life and heal.”

“Forgiveness? You don't know
what you're asking me to do.” The doctor sighed and closed his
eyes. He stood there silently I wondered if maybe this was my
opportunity to leave.

“Yes, Ava, I do. Please can
you sit down?” I hesitated, part of me wanted to run for the hills
and on my way punch the doctor in the balls. But, his stare was
sad, sad enough to compel me to stay.

“This is breaking procedure,
but I feel like sharing this story with you will give you an
understanding that I do know what I’m asking you to do.”

I gave him the same look he
always gives me when he wants me to continue my story. Doctor
Charles face droops into a somber smile as he talks.

“Twenty-five years ago, my
younger sister attended CSU. She wanted to become a teacher, Emma
was happiness morphed into a beautiful sweet girl. She was my best
friend the light of my life as well as my parents. One day as she
walked back to her dorm a classmate asked her for some help. He
wanted her to keep his dorm door open as he moved a piece of
furniture out of the room. But that didn’t happen instead he shoved
her inside of the room and raped her. She never told us anything,
but there were signs we just didn't know them. She ended her life
six months later Emma left a note explaining why she did it. She
begged us for our forgiveness in her note. It took me a long time
to subdue the anger I had for having her taken from us, for not
knowing the signs, for not protecting my little sister. But it the
end I learned to forgive, I know how difficult it is Ava, it won’t
happen over night but I guarantee speaking to Kimberly is the first
step.”

All I wanted to do was cry.
Cry for Dr. Charles cry for his parents. Cry for the sister that
suffered so much she saw no way out but to end her own life.
Instead I held my head low fighting tears.

“Is it all right, if we cut
this session short?” I said softly.

“Think about it, Ava, bring
Rose with you if you think that would help.

“I’ll consider it.” I
finally said.

“You have my email, if you
decide before next Monday let me know I’ll set everything
up.”

I nodded yes and walked to
my truck in a daze. I sat there gripping the steering wheel and
began to hyperventilate. I couldn't do this she killed my father.
That stupid selfish girl, who thought responding back to her
friend’s text was more important than paying attention to the road,
destroyed my life. My breathing labored and instead of needing a
drink I needed Gabriel. I needed to be held by him and smell his
scent, feel his touch. I looked at the clock on the dashboard. It
was after four wrestling practices were over he was probably home
already. I drove to his condo in record time just as I parked in
the underground parking lot the weight of what Dr. Charles asked me
to do began to unravel. Attempting to catch my breath I scurried
out of the truck leaving the keys in the ignition. I must have
missed the black Mercedes parking next to me because as I was
trying to breath in and out I heard him call my name.

“Ava? What’s wrong?” He
asked loudly, running to my side. I looked up to see his beautiful
face, his amazing baby blue eyes, and I lost it. I cried so hard my
legs gave, but he was there to catch me, always there to catch me.
Gabriel held me while I cried on his chest his strong arms wrapped
around me giving me the safety I craved. I reached my arms around
his waist hugging him back, inhaling his sent as my cries dwindled
to a pitiful whimper.

“What’s wrong, Ava?” He
asked laying his cheek on the top of my head. Before I could answer
he reached down cupping my ass cheeks in each of his hands without
a thought I wrapped my legs around his waist. He walked to his car
sitting me on the trunk Gabriel stood in between my legs while he
grabbed the sides of my face.

“What’s wrong, baby?” He
asked again. This time his voice was soft and sweet. I never
cringed when Gabriel called me baby instead it warmed me, made me
feel like I was his. I took in a deep breath before speaking.
Gabriel let go of my face and placed his hands on my
thighs.

“Dr. Charles, my
psychologist, wants me to speak to the girl who killed my dad. He
says that forgiveness is the way to heal.” He let out a breath
before leaning his forehead against mine. Even he understood it was
a bitter pill to swallow.

“I’m so sorry, baby.” He
shook his head, “that’s incredibly hard to do.”

“I don’t know if I can do
it, Blue.” I said with my voice shaky, ready to cry again. “I’m not
that strong. I don’t know if I want to be that strong. She ripped
my whole life to shreds she took him from me. How am I able to
forgive that?” Gabriel broke our foreheads apart and lifted my chin
with his finger.

“Ava, you are the strongest
person I’ve ever met if there is anyone who can do this. It’s you.”
He looked at me straighten in the eyes I could see his love for me
inside those beautiful baby blues. I cried closing the distance
between us hugging him tight. With his arms around me, I felt loved
I felt safe he warmed me up in the most lovely way.

“I wish I could fix this for
you. I would do anything to make this pain go away. Tell me what I
can do for you?” He said against my neck his lips grazed my skin
sending chills down my arms. Before my brain could filter what my
heart was feeling I spoke without thinking.