Keep Me (Beggar's Choice #3) (22 page)

The others laugh but my smile falters slightly and Elen
gives me a knowing grimace. She knows what happened because I’d rung her that
morning. The others know because Charlie can’t keep a secret to save his life,
and Seth tells Viv everything or he used to. I’m not sure whether he does now
since this weird distance sprang up between them and he started to date a girl
called Lucy last year.

“Not any better then I take it?” Elen asks.

I shrug and then smile at the waitress who has walked up to take
my order. “I’ll have a hot chocolate please,” I ask and then shake my head when
she offers cake. When she’s gone I look back to see them all staring at me
disapprovingly. “What?” I ask defensively.

“You’re too thin,” Mabe says. “Have some cake.”

“I’m not hungry, Marie Antoinette,” I shrug.

“Well try,” Elen says with her usual sharpness. “I’ve seen
fatter people on those fucking anorexia shows.”

“Oh my God.” Mabe covers her eyes briefly and then offers
the old lady next to us an apologetic look as I snort, but then she looks back
at me intently. “Bram was round the other day, moaning that you’d fucked
another woman off,” she offers and I sigh.

“It was a redhead and she was really bloody rude.”

“So what did you do?” Viv asks.

I grimace. “I told her that Bram’s syphilis was under
control.”

Viv and Elen break into laughter but Mabe rubs my arm. “If
it’s any consolation he doesn’t look any happier than you,” she offers, but I
shake my head.

“It isn’t.” I smile determinedly. “Now why don’t we change
the subject? How are rehearsals going and how are Sid and Nell getting on?” The
boys are touring again and they’ve hired a backing singer called Nell to go
with them. She’s extremely beautiful and wonderfully nice which means that
although Sid can’t take his eyes off her he’s determined not to touch her, not
only with his own barge pole but with everyone else’s as well.

Mabe smiles. “He’s taking violin lessons from her.”

I laugh. “Maybe she’ll teach him some other stuff too.”

“Like lightening up?” Viv offers. Sid’s been clean since
rehab but his new persona in the rehearsal room is apparently more Adolf Hitler
than Cliff Richard.

“Are you ready for Charlie to be away again?” I ask Mabe.
They kicked off the tour a few weeks ago with dates in the UK but they’re due
to fly to France soon to start the European leg of the tour. I know that I’m
not ready and I’ll miss Bram like crazy despite our current relationship.

She seesaws her hands. “Not really but I am used to it and
it’s his job that he loves. I’d never stand in the way of that. Plus, I’m going
to pop over whenever I can and I’ve been saving my holiday up for this.” Mabe
has kept her job determined that Charlie isn’t paying for her, and as much as
it’s irked him he seems to have accepted it with good grace.

I’m just about to say something else when as if hypnotised
all three women’s mouths fall open and they stare out of the window. “Has Harry
Styles just walked past?” I joke and then turn round. “Oh my
God
I can’t
even get away from him here,” I grumble as we all stare at a bus which has
stopped outside. It’s obviously not the bus - we’ve all seen those before. It’s
more the massive picture of Bram in tight briefs that’s adorning the bus that
catches our attention.

He’d taken up modelling at the beginning of the year,
probably out of boredom while they were waiting to see if Sid’s rehab would
take, and it’d been tremendously successful. Women everywhere are clamouring
for his picture and top designers are queuing up to get him to endorse their
products.

Last week he’d pissed me off so much that I’d told a company
who were chancing their arm and asking him to advertise a product to cure
flatulence that he’d love to take their job. It had taken him an afternoon to
get out of it but at least an hour of that had been spent shouting through my
locked bedroom door at me. I’d just shrugged, taken my hearing aid out and lain
on my bed with my Kindle until he got bored.

“He really is bloody gorgeous,” Viv muses as we all stare at
him lying on his back, acres of golden skin stretched taut over defined muscles
and leading down to his bulge which is being cupped lovingly by bright, white
briefs. “What do we know about her?” she asks, pointing at the topless blonde
model wrapped around his body like ivy.

“She makes a noise like a dog when she comes,” I say
morosely, making the old lady next to us spit out her tea.

They all stare open mouthed at me. “How the
hell
do
you know that?” Viv finally asks.

“I accidently saw a sex tape that she and Bram made.” The
memory makes my stomach roil.

“How can you accidently …” Mabe begins and I gesture wildly.

“I only switched the fucking DVD player on. I thought
‘Breaking Bad’ was still in there, not the home porn version called ‘Breaking
Fucking Women’s Vaginas with My Massive Cock’.”

“Okay, okay.” Mabe makes calming gestures and glares at Viv
who is laughing helplessly. “Viv stop, it’s not funny.”

Viv snorts. “It sort of is in a terrible dark way.” She
catches sight of my face and makes a sad face of her own. “Oh babe I don’t
think that Bram’s home is a good place for you anymore.”

I shrug, trying to keep the unexpected tears back. “I’m
inclined to agree. I’m there as little as I can be at the moment. I just don’t
understand this constant need of his to parade women in front of me.”

Viv stares contemplatively at me. “Don’t you? It seems quite
clear to me.”

Mabe makes a sad face. “It’s Bram, babe. I’m sure that he’s
trying desperately at the moment for normality and
that’s
his normality.
In his head he desperately wants you to stay so to him it’s simple, he’ll do
what he always did in the hope that everything goes on like before.”

“He’s an idiot,” Viv says but Mabe shakes her head.

“He’s really not babe. He’s just lost and doesn’t know what to
do. I’ve watched him with these women and all they get is surface charm from
him. He doesn’t look happy at all at the moment and hasn’t done for a while. I
don’t see him like he was when he was with you. With you he was fully there all
the time, and calm and centred.”

“So why doesn’t he want that?” I ask in a low voice.

“He’s fucked up,” Viv offers. “To him any commitment is
automatically followed by the other person leaving or letting him go. His mum
started it and then it just carried on. His aunt and uncle didn’t want him, and
women have never stuck around long. They didn’t stay because he didn’t give any
appearance of wanting more, and he’s so pretty that I’m sure a lot of women
convinced themselves that if all they’d get from him was transient, then they
might as well enjoy him like hell and then go off happy that they’d had the
Bram Experience. However, a small part of him saw that as them letting him go
because he’s not worth more.”

I wince thinking of that morning when I’d joked about having
the Bram Experience and how angry he’d been. I’d never thought it would hurt
him because he’s so flippant about love. She stares at me. “If you think about
it, what he’s done, what he’s doing, is a clear sign to everyone that you
actually mean something.”

I give an inelegant snort and she sighs. “I know that it
sounds like something from a romance novel but it’s true. He’s scared shitless
because if you leave then that’s it for him. He couldn’t bear it so he’s
pushing for normality and for being just friends. Poor bastard doesn’t realise
yet that he’s destroying what he’s working so hard to save.”

Silence falls and then Elen stirs. “If you ask me you should
start making plans over what to do next honey because I can’t see this going on
forever. You can come and stay with me and Mick. We’d love to have you.”

“I can’t do that,” I protest. “You’ve only just moved in
together.”

She shrugs. “That’s immaterial. You’re
my
family. I
put up with his raving mad brethren so I think he’s got the better end of the
deal if all he has to do is look at you over the breakfast table.”

“I don’t want to draw anyone into this. You’re all so
close.”

“You were my friend first and you’ll always be my priority.
Mick can just sort his own loyalties out, but babe he loves you. He won’t fall
out with Bram but equally he won’t compromise what he thinks is right.”

I nod. Mick is amazingly clearheaded and forthright. He says
what he feels and does what he thinks is right and the lads love him for it.

“Think about it,” she urges. “We’ve got the spare room. It
doesn’t have to be forever. Just when you need it.”

I nod gratefully and share a long look with her. “I’m so
thankful that I met you that day,” I say softly, and she grabs my hand
squeezing it hard.

Viv stirs. “I think it’s time,” she says to Elen and Mabe
and they nod.

“What is it time for?” I ask suspiciously. I love Viv like a
sister but when she gets in a wild mood then watch out.

“For you to date,” she offers, and I gape in astonishment.

“Why the hell would I want to date? That’d be lovely to
bring some poor bloke into the fucked up mess between me and Bram.”

Elen looks hard at me. “It hasn’t stopped him though has
it?” I wince at the cut and her face softens. “I don’t want to hurt you but
let’s be honest, this thing with Bram is not coming to anything. He’s moved on
and you need to as well babe. You can’t stay locked up in his docklands tower
like some sad Rapunzel.”

“Although you have got princess hair,” Mabe offers but I
can’t smile. This is Elen’s brand of brutal honesty but I know she’s right. No
matter my feelings, Bram is out there shagging merrily without a thought to me.
It makes my stomach turn but I think I’d come to the end of my rope today when
his latest blonde robot had been so rude. Why should I still be lying alone in
my bed at night when his is busier than King’s Cross Station?

He’s moved on from that night and I need to grow up and move
on too. Perhaps if he sees me moving on with someone else we can recover our
old friendship, although some days it hurts so much to be near him that I’m
rapidly coming to the conclusion that I should just cut ties and leave. If I
don’t see him then maybe I’d get over him.

Mabe breaks into my thoughts. “There’s a really nice bloke
that Charlie knows. He’s a sound engineer for them and he’s gorgeous.” I smile
but it’s more a tip of my lips and she valiantly carries on. “Anyway he saw you
at that party at Seth and Lucy’s house the other week.” Out of the corner of my
eye I see Viv wince and catching her eyes we smile sadly at each other. It seems
that we’ve both been chewed up and spat out by the Beggar’s Choice boys. Mabe
recalls me to attention. “He thought you were gorgeous and he’s been pestering
Charlie all week for your number. Why don’t you give him a call or let Charlie
give him your number?”

I stare at her for a long minute and catching Elen’s eye I
see her give me a tight nod. “It’s time
cariad
. Time to move on and get
on with life. It doesn’t have to mean anything but you should still try.” I
look over and see Mabe and Viv exchanging a look loaded with some unspoken
message and then I nod.

“Okay, tell Charlie to give him my number.”

Mabe squeals and hugs me and even the old lady next to us
gives me an approving look but I can’t help feeling queasy. I don’t like the
idea of anyone else but maybe I should. I’m recalled to the table when Viv
cackles. “What?” I ask.

“If I give you £5000 can you get me a copy of that DVD babe?
It’ll come in handy for those days when I can’t just lie back and think of
Jamie Dornan.”

Alys

A week later I stand in front of the mirror in my bedroom
and look at myself anxiously. I’m wearing a little 1950’s dress that I’d picked
up in a vintage clothing shop near the university. It’s close fitting with a
tight skirt and a deep, wide neckline, and it’s made of black silk with a
pattern of red roses. It makes my waist look tiny and highlights my legs which
look miles long thanks to the high, black sling backs that I’m wearing.

I twist looking at the back and smile slightly because even
my hair has behaved itself and I’ve pulled it into a low chignon. I do feel
good but I wish that I wasn’t doing this. I wish that Bram … Dismissing that
thought I grab my black clutch and after a last look in the mirror I nod
uncertainly and then leave the bedroom. I clatter down the stairs checking in
my bag for my keys which are nowhere to be found, and then I snap my fingers
remembering that I had them in the lounge last night.

I grab my black pashmina seeing it on the hall chair and
then walk into the lounge only to be hit by very loud wolf whistling. My head
shoots up and then I grin as I see Sid, Matt and Mick sitting at the long table
by the windows with Bram. The table is strewn with glasses, bottles, cards and
mounds of poker chips as they’re having a poker night.

“How are you?” I exclaim in delight as I walk over to the
table only for Sid to leap up and grab me into a tight hug. When his hold eases
I stand back and grip his shoulders. “You look great babe,” I offer and he
really does, being clear eyed and very healthy looking. I’d always thought that
he was good looking even when he was an addict, but now that he’s clean he’s
spectacular. Tall and lean with a head of shiny, conker brown hair.

He smiles, the lines at the side of his eyes crinkling.
“Never mind me sweetheart, you look fucking brilliant.” He shoots a look behind
him at a silent Bram and then turns back to me. “Who’s the lucky man then?” I
hear the tinkle of glass and a low voiced oath from Bram but focus on Sid
instead.

“I’m sure the grapevine has already informed you of this,” I
say but he just smiles innocently at me and I laugh nervously. “It’s Eddie.
Charlie and Mabe are playing matchmaker.”

“Really?” he offers mischievously and then sobers. “He’s a
good bloke Alys. I approve and I knew he fancied you at the party. He’s a fast
worker.”

“I don’t know about that,” I protest, sneaking a look at
Bram who unusually for him is sitting absolutely still, the only movement being
a mad tic in his jaw. He clutches his glass tightly the veins on his hand and arm
standing out, and just stares at me without giving any of the usual light
hearted banter.

Mick throws him a quick look that he doesn’t see and smiles
at me. “He is a good man Alys. I think you’ve picked right this time.” Bram’s
head shoots round so fast at this that I’m surprised he hasn’t got whiplash and
he glares at Mick, but Mick ignores him and carries on. “Just what you need
babe. You’ll make a beautiful couple and I know that he’s a serious lad. He’s
had his player years and I think he’s looking for more now. Let me know though
if he misbehaves and I’ll kick his fucking arse for you.”

I smile. “Thanks Mick.” I love him so much for Elen. They go
together so well and he loves Daisy as if she’s his own. He’s also taken to
treating me like one of his sisters, which Elen says is understandable because
he has so many one more really doesn’t make much of a difference.

I suddenly exclaim and grab Sid’s arm, turning the dial of
the massive diver’s watch that he wears. “Is that the time? Bloody hell I’ve
got to go.”

Bram jerks. “Aren’t you waiting for him?” His voice sounds
odd.

I shake my head. “No, I’m meeting him at the restaurant.”

“Why the fuck are you doing that?” he asks indignantly. “Why
isn’t the twat coming to fetch you?”

I wince. “He isn’t a twat,” I say gently, “Or at least I
hope not, and I offered to meet him there. I didn’t think that you’d want
people wandering through your flat that you don’t really know that well.”

Mick huffs. “Not sure that means anything to him Alys.
Bloody hell the only difference from any other day would be that he’s a man and
his knickers aren’t hanging off the chandeliers.”

I give a thin smile and Bram glares at Mick venomously. “I
haven’t got any chandeliers,” he hisses. Then he turns back to me. “Shall I
give you a lift?”

“No!” My voice sounds way too loud and frantic and Sid tries
to hide a smile. “I’ll be fine. The front desk rang for a taxi for me and
they’ve just texted to let me know that it’s waiting.”

He stands up. “Well I’ll just come and vet the driver then.
You can’t be too careful.”

“Or too mental apparently,” Sid offers. “She’ll be fine
Bram. You heard her, the front desk rang for the taxi and they only use
reputable companies.”

Bram hovers for a second and then folds himself back into
his chair sulkily and then glares at me. “Are you putting a scarf on?”

“Why?” I ask in bemusement.

He gestures at my dress. “Your tits are just about hanging
out of that for fuck’s sake. It’s a date not an appointment for a fuck with a
customer.”

I gasp, so outraged that I don’t think I can speak, but
luckily for Bram’s eardrums Sid grabs my pashmina, forces it round my shoulders
and then half escorts me/half carts me across the room to the front door.
“Never mind him,” he whispers. “You look beautiful babe. Have a good time.” He
looks slightly sad suddenly. “Just …”

“Just what?”

“Don’t enjoy it
too
much Al.”

I stare at him wondering what he’s trying to say and then
give up, giving him a hug and shouting to Mick and Matt to have a good night.
Bram can go fuck himself.

Bram

The sound of the door closing echoes around the flat and
ignoring their glances I pour myself a shot of whisky and down it deliberately,
feeling it burn its way through me. I hope it burns away this massive weight of
fucking misery that seems to sit there all the time lately but nothing seems to
work on that.

I look up. “
What
?” I finally say crossly as they
still stare at me. “Stop staring at me you freaks.”

Sid grins and picks up his own glass of water. He’s staying
light on the booze at the moment, worried that it might make his willpower a
bit light. However, he happily sits with us drunks although we’d have stopped
drinking if it made him uncomfortable. He looks at me carefully. “I had a call
from Matt the other day. You’ll never guess who’s booked the theatre?” I wait
and he laughs. “Only fucking Adele.”

“Never!” I exclaim, thanking him silently for changing the
fucking subject.

Mick looks confused and looks at Matt. “Have you bought a
theatre then?”

Sid gestures expansively something he’s always done when
he’s in the zone. “Not
him
. My mate Matt from school who owns the
theatre where we played the first night of the tour.”

Mick downs his drink. “Thought it was you,” he says to Matt
who promptly rolls his eyes.

“Yes, because I have
so
much time to run a theatre in
between fulfilling Bram’s demands for totally white flowers and Jo Malone
candles burning in all his dressing rooms.”

I shoot him the finger and then nod at Mick. “You remember
him from school. We used to call them Thing One and Thing Two to avoid
confusion.”

“You mean
you
did,” Matt says dryly.

I smile at him. “Ah babe don’t be mad. You were always
Number One. I have
never
thought of you as a Number Two.”

“Ugh,” he shudders.

Silence falls as we all pour fresh drinks and Mick shuffles
the cards. I light a cigarette and inhale sharply trying hard to stay in the
now and not focus on Alys. On her meeting that twat. On him holding her arm
while he kisses her hello. On him looking down her fucking, sexy dress at her
fucking, perfect tits. On them kissing and touching. On his hands on her hips.
I swallow hard and only realise that I’m clutching my glass too hard when Matt
reaches over and gently unfolds my fingers which are white around the stem.

“Bram,” he begins but I shake my head and he subsides. I cannot
talk about this when every bone in my body is telling me to get up, to go down
to that restaurant and push his fucking, perfect white teeth down his fucking
throat, and then grab her, push her onto the table and fuck her until this
awful, poisonous, bitter feeling goes away leaving me in peace again. I hate
feeling like this.

“It’s jealousy,” Matt says gently, and I flush as I realise
to my embarrassment that I have just said the last words out loud, and then I
dismiss the embarrassment. Fucking hell I’ve held Sid’s head over a toilet bowl
while he vomits and I’ve had threesomes with him. I’ve walked in on Matt
banging a bloke before, and I’ve held Mick’s hand when he cried over his dad
dying. If I can’t talk to
them
freely I don’t know who I would talk to.

“I hate it,” I say against my will.

Sid stirs. “Do you want her for yourself then mate?”

I shrug not wanting to say that I’ve already had her on that
one unforgettable night and like some sad twat I’d waited for her to wake up
the next morning, wanting for the first time in my life to try with a woman,
only for her not to want me anyway.

How can I say that I can’t forget how she was that night -
the taste of her, how she sounded and looked, and no matter how many women I
fuck they can’t get her out of my head? How can I say that and then admit that
she had already forgotten it by the time that she woke up? I think I’m almost
an embarrassment to her now. That’s certainly something to keep to myself along
with all my girly yearnings. No, I won’t say anything so instead I make myself
smile like normal and then pull my cards towards me. “Poker anyone?”

Matt sighs but complies and for the next couple of hours we
drink and play poker poorly as we get steaming drunk or sober if you’re Sid.
Finally I pull the pot towards me giving a villain’s laugh and Matt rolls his
eyes. ‘Steal my Girl’ by One Direction comes on the stereo at that point and I
hum along.

Sid laughs. “Thinking of becoming the new member to replace
Zayn are you?”

“Fuck off,” I say peaceably. “I could totally have been in a
boy band.”

He chokes on his drink. “You’re certainly pretty enough.”

I smirk. “Why thank you Sidney. I knew that you secretly
felt something for me. Admit it babe, Nell is just a beard isn’t she? She’s a
poor substitute for my pretty, little ass.”

He frowns at her name and then snorts. “Fuck off, what an
unpleasant thought. Anyway you’d have been absolutely shit in a boy band.”

I sit up indignantly. “Fuck off, I’d have been the best
one.”

“Bram, you can’t dance for shit.”

“I fucking can.”

“You can’t,” he smirks. “In fact I’d have been better in
Take That than you.”

Mick nods sagely. “You’d have been Robbie, Sid for sure.”

Sid sighs. “Do I
always
have to be the druggie person
in every scenario that we ever discuss?”

Mick nods again, looking remarkably like one of those dogs
that sit in the back of cars. “Yes you do. If you’d have been in the Spice
Girls you’d have been Druggie Spice.”

“Would you fuck have been Robbie,” I say crossly. “You’d
have been Mikey Graham from Boyzone. Just a tiny bit forgettable.”

Sid smirks. “I bet I can boy band dance better than you.”

Mick perks up. “Boys, boys there’s an easy way to prove it.”
We look at him, Matt blinking like a drunken owl. “Dance off!” he shouts.

I rub my hands together and down my drink. “I’m game. Has
anyone got anything boy bandy?”

Sid looks blank and Mick sighs. “Haven’t you got any?”

I huff indignantly. “No I fucking haven’t. You’re always
taking the piss out of my iPod.”

Matt looks through his phone. “I’ve got some Coldplay.”

Sid and I instantly scoff. “You can’t boy band dance to
Coldplay.”

“I’ll download some then,” he says. “What do you want?” We
all gather around looking in silence until I snap my fingers.

“’Relight my Fire’. Download that babe.”

I kick off my shoes and Sid starts laughing. “What are you
doing
you fool?”

“I’m going to boy band the fuck out of you Hudson.”

Alys

I stare across the table at Eddie and wonder where I’ve left
my mind these days. He’s gorgeous, being blond haired and tall with deep blue
eyes and he’s got a lovely personality. He’s warm, funny and intelligent, and
he’s single-handedly carried the conversation all night. I feel tremendously
guilty because for all these attributes he’s not Bram and apparently that’s all
I need to make everything feel right. I sigh at the thought and then looking up
I blush bright red as I catch his gaze which is sparkling with humour.

He throws down his napkin and smiles kindly at me. “Well
Alys I’ve had better dates I have to say.”

I bury my head in my hands for a second and then peek back
at him. “I’m so sorry. It’s not you …”

He holds up his hand laughing hard. “Please don’t finish
that sentence or you’ll make this into more of a really corny film.” I look at
him confused and he makes a valiant attempt to stop laughing. “You know the one
where this gorgeous bloke. That’s me by the way.” I smile and wave him on.
“Well he takes this beautiful girl out and the audience sees them through the
windows of an expensive restaurant sitting closely together and they think that
this is the end of the film. Unfortunately, that’s not the end of the film but
only five minutes in the middle because this bloke, he’s not even the main
character. He’s a side character that exists to bring home to the girl and the
audience that she’s really in love with the hero and has been all the way
through the film.” He smiles. “Exit, side character.”