Keep Me (Beggar's Choice #3) (9 page)

He raises his head and gives me a twisted smile. “I tried so
hard to stop him Alys but nothing I said made any difference. He was a
different person by then, not the boy I’d known who I was his first. He slept
around and stole from me. Bram fucking hated him but I kept trying and then I
stopped.”

“What happened?”

“We had an argument. I found photos on his phone of other
men and texts. We both said things we shouldn’t have but he was fucked off his
face. I didn’t have any excuse for what I said.”

“Babe, being fuck faced isn’t an excuse for saying bad
things.”

“I know but I was very clear in what I thought of him. I
gathered his stuff up and threw him out and the last thing that I ever said to
him was that I didn’t care enough to stay around and watch him die.”

“Oh sweetie.” I almost can’t bear this. Matt’s one of the
nicest people that I’ve ever known and to find that he walks around every day
under some weight of guilt is devastating.

“The next day we found out that he’d died, overdosed in some
squatter’s house with no one around. A stranger found him but it was too late.
I couldn’t even go to his funeral because his parents blamed me for it.”

“Oh sweetheart.” I grab him and give him a tight hug and
then gasp as he gathers me into a crushing hug

“I’m sorry,” he finally says, trying to smile. “I don’t even
know why I told you that. I don’t talk about Ben ever and to dump it all on you
was really unnecessary and slightly embarrassing.”

I sit up straight and look at him so that I know I’m
following properly. “You’re my friend aren’t you?”

He smiles. “Reckon I am. I knew I would be when I met you.
Same as Bram.”

“Well as both of your friends I want to tell you that he is
a total skank with an incipient drinking problem.” He laughs and I sober. “But
you. You’re a
wonderful
person Matt and going around feeling guilty over
somebody else’s addiction to drugs is not only ridiculous. It’s
gyn bree
.”
He looks at me in question. “Pointless. You might just as well go down to the
sea and try to stop the tide turning. You’re not God. You were his lover not
his conscience, and I’m so sad that he died but that was his choice not yours,
and when someone makes up their mind to destroy themselves there’s sometimes no
stopping it.” He’s silent looking off to the side and I caress his face.
“Nothing I can say will make much difference Matty but I wish it would. I doubt
Ben would want to see you living under this guilt, not if you were his first.”

His head jerks up. “You don’t think?”

I huff. “No of course not. Everything you’ve told me about
him, the fact that he trusted you to be his first, well I doubt that person
would be very happy with the man you are feeling like this.”

He’s silent for a second and then he hugs me, softly kissing
my cheek. “Thank you Alys.”

I know the subject is closed but he looks a little lighter
and if I’ve helped to open the door a little to let the sun in I’d be very
happy but now I need to lighten the mood. “Shall we watch a film?”

He nods. “I’ve got Netflix and Amazon Prime.”

“What’s on your Amazon Prime?” I groan. “Is it all gay films
and foreign films with subtitles?”

He snorts, passing me the remote. “That’s very stereotypical
of you Helen Keller.”

I can’t help but let out an absolute shriek of laughter,
holding my side. “That’s the most un-PC thing that I’ve ever had said to me.
Only a fucking gay man would get away with being that un-PC. I love it.” I pull
up his Amazon account and sigh happily. “Oh my God you’ve got ‘Magic Mike XXL’.
Can we watch that please?”

He laughs. “We certainly can and I can join you in judging
who has the best bum which is something that Bram will never help me with.”

“He’s not bothered by stuff like that is he?” I ask startled
but he laughs.

“No of course not but he’s so fucking competitive. Last time
he tried he removed his trousers and paraded up and down his living room at a
party asking everyone whether he had better arse cheeks than Channing Tatum.”

I laugh and then say piously, “Lord, he knows not what he
says. Forgive the Channing doubter.”

“Amen,” Matt says with relish and after fetching our food he
starts the film.

We’re a quarter of the way through and Joe Manganiello is
dancing in a petrol station which has certainly never happened in the BP
station near me, when there’s an almighty banging on the front door.

“Who the hell is that Matt?”

“I’ll give you one guess.” I sit up startled and a little
anxious at seeing Bram again. I don’t want to see him when he smells of her and
then my throat tightens when I wonder if she’ll be with him. My thoughts must
show on my face because Matt squeezes my shoulder. “If she’s with him I’ll send
them away.”

I’m startled. “Oh no don’t do that”. I grab his hand to
emphasise my point. “I never, ever want to come between you and Bram. Please
don’t get in the way to try and protect me.”

He flicks my ear gently. “Don’t ever worry about that babe.
Bram and I have weathered many storms and many arguments over the years. We’ve
punched each other and we stopped talking for a whole five minutes once. I
sincerely doubt that there’s anything left short of a nuclear explosion that
could separate us. It’s nice that you like us as friends though because loads
of Bram’s women have hated me because he’s too close to me.”

“I am not one of Bram’s women,” I say indignantly and he
laughs.

“Okay you keep telling yourself that.” He looks like he
wants to say something else but a flurry of bangs and a despairing shot of
Matty
that even I can hear sound out and he groans. “I’ll be evicted from this
building if he carries on. I’ll let him in.”

I nod and watch his broad back leave. I don’t hear the door
open but I can hear a slur of mumbles in the foyer and then Bram traipses in
looking like a bedraggled dog. He’s still in his Halloween costume but he’s
lost the cravat, the waistcoat is open to mid chest and his shirt is pulled out
of his trousers. Most of his gore makeup has gone and he’s only wearing one
boot. I sit up. “What on earth happened to you?” I point at his feet.

He shrugs irritably. “I got dressed quickly.”

Matt sighs. “And why are you here exactly when you have a
perfectly good penthouse to go home to?”

Bram scuffs his one boot on the floor not looking at us. “It
just felt really empty tonight and then I thought of you two over here together
and I flung my clothes on and came over straightaway.”

I flinch, hopefully imperceptively, when I think of Amber.
“Is Amber not with you?”

He looks hesitant. “Is that the girl I went home with?”

I cast my eyes upwards. “Yes.”

“Well how was I supposed to know? It was loud at the club
and then she had her tongue thrust so far down my throat I thought she was
digging for gold.”

“TMI,” Matt mutters and I nod yes.

Bram looks sheepish and a little embarrassed. “Anyway she’s
not with me. I put her in a car before she started picking out china patterns.
Was she really a friend of yours Alys?”

I snort and Matt stares at him in consternation. “Of course
she wasn’t a friend of mine Bram. She thinks that my name is Anna.”

He stares at me for a second and then goes into peals of
laughter which despite myself make me smile too. How can I be angry with him
when we are friends and he has never indicated any interest in me? That’s not
fair and I know that he was shitty tonight but he was drunk and upset. Finally
he stops laughing and sensing my thoughts as he always seem to, he looks at me
pleadingly. “So we’re alright then?”

I smile at him. “Of course we are.”

He sags slightly and Matt stares at him with interest.
“That’s okay then. I … I hate it if you’re not happy with me.”

I’m nonplussed. “Well okay then. I’m not unhappy with you.”

His mood changes lightening quick as he stares at me
disapprovingly. “Anyway never mind what I look like. You appear to be wearing
Matt’s t-shirt and nothing else.” His voice goes high. “Are you actually
wearing any underwear?”

I slap his hand away when he tries to lift the t-shirt.
“That’s my business,” I say primly.

He looks crossly at Matt. “How is it that
you
can
cuddle up here together with possibly missing underwear all cosy, whereas
I
would be shouted out of the room for suggesting that Alys cuddle with me after
removing my underwear?”

“I’m gay,” Matt shrugs.

 “Oh and you think that gives you a free pass?”

Matt smiles. “Yep. We entwined our legs together lying down
as well if that helps, and I gave her a massage.”

Bram huffs indignantly and then stares at the screen. “Are
you actually watching ‘Magic Mike XXL’ at five in the morning?”

Matt and I look at each other and then him. “Yes?” we say
together and he smiles.

“Well okay then.” He takes a flying leap onto the settee and
smiles winsomely. “Put it on then. Matt make some popcorn while Alys and I have
a knickerless cuddle.”

Matt laughs as I smack Bram allowing him to draw me to him.
He arranges me into a seated position while I watch him bemused, and then he
flops down lengthways and puts his head in my lap like a contented, big, shaggy
dog. Grabbing my hand he puts it on his head. “Will you stroke my hair for me
love?”

“Why?”

“It feels nice. I feel calm when you do that.”

“I’ve never actually
done
that for you before.”

“Well I always feel really calm and peaceful when I’m with
you so it stands to reason that’ll work too.”

Matt has just brought the popcorn in but he stands stock
still and stares down at Bram like he’s been struck by lightning. I look at him
questioningly but he catches my eye and straightens, putting the popcorn down
but still shooting Bram that odd look like he’s just realised something.

Bram sighs happily and clicks play on the remote. After five
minutes of silence he stirs. “Alys do you think I’ve got a better arse than
Channing Tatum?”

Matt and I break into laughter.

Alys

A few days later I sit in a lecture theatre waiting for the
professor to turn up to teach values and ethics. Elen is beside me playing
Candy Crush on her phone.

“What are you doing for Bonfire Night?” I ask turning to
her.

“I don’t know. Perhaps go down to the local park. I think
the council are doing something. I wouldn’t dare to try and do something
myself, well not unless I fancy a visit from the local fire service.” We look
at each other and she laughs. “Yeah forget that. I’ll do it myself if it means
loads of fireman in my house. What’s brick and mortar compared with men in
those trousers and suspenders?”

“You do know that they don’t go shirtless unless they’re
actually strippers don’t you?”

She purses her lips. “Killjoy. Why do you ask? Do you want
to come round to mine?”

“Well actually I was wondering whether you fancy bringing
Daisy round to Charlie’s. He’s having a Bonfire Night party and Bram said it
was fine to ask you.” I’d told her about Bram because once Amber had shagged
him I rather thought that particular cat was out of the bag.

She stares at me. “Are you sure? I don’t know them at all
and we’re not exactly supermodels me and Daisy. She’s mouthy to the extreme and
a bit of a flirt.”

“And you’re not?”

She laughs. “Yeah true. I always thought she got it from her
father.” Elen’s ex doesn’t see Daisy at all and from what Elen says she misses
having a male figure in her life.

“Anyway none of them are like that. I mean sure there are
always women round them and they’re good looking rock stars so of course they
partake. But their core group has been around for ever and none of them are jet
setters. Mabe is a PA, Viv’s a paralegal and Mick’s a plumber. You’ll really
like them and I know there are other kids going as they’ve invited the families
of the people who work for them.”

She looks doubtful. “Are you sure, because a night with a
world famous rock group sounds infinitely preferable to a bottle of Prosecco at
home and a pack of Aldi sparklers?”

I laugh. “That’s brilliant. Come round to Bram’s flat first
and then he said he’ll drive us all.”

I jot down his address for her and she looks at me
searchingly. “How are things with you and Bram now?” I’d been round to her
house one night and over a bottle of wine I’d divulged all of my mixed up
feelings. Her advice was as brisk and refreshingly practical as Elen always
was. “Just be friends with him and definitely don’t fuck him. Okay, if you do
have to fuck him and heaven knows I certainly would, then get as much sex as
you possibly can and when it ends come and move in with me and Daisy.”

I smile at her. “Things are fine babe. We’re definitely
friends which still surprises me, but I’m not looking for anything else.
There’s no future in that. I don’t think I fit with his profile.”

She looks cross. “Why not? Fucking hell Alys you’re
beautiful, I mean supermodel beautiful. You’re clever and loyal and funny. Why
the hell wouldn’t you fit with his profile and what the hell is a profile
anyway? It sounds like something that you put on Face Book.”

“Well he’s a rock star. He’ll probably end up with a
supermodel or a famous actress and have scores of beautiful children.”

She looks doubtful but doesn’t have time to voice her
thoughts because the professor arrives and we grab our laptops to start taking
notes.

The next night Bram and I are in the kitchen. The coffee
maker has packed up and we’re pouring over a manual but have steadily come to
the conclusion that neither of us are technical people at all. Finally Bram
flails his hands slightly. “But
why
won’t it work?”

I laugh. “Because it’s broken d’oh!”

“Why do these things always happen to
me?”

“Oh, because it’s always about you.”

He gives me a chastising look. “Alys how long will it be
before you realise that yes it is always about me?” I laugh but he cocks his
head slightly and then to my amazement he raises his hands and makes the sign
for
doorbell
. I stare at him unable to believe that he’s just done that
and he flushes slightly.

“How did you … Where did you learn that?”

He rubs his hand over his neck which is Bram’s only tell for
when he’s embarrassed. “Was it right?”

I decide to have a little fun with him. “Did you mean to say
that you have a very small penis?”

“What?”

“I mean it’s perfectly okay because size isn’t everything,
but why did you feel the need to share that in sign language?”

He huffs. “I didn’t. I don’t. Fucking hell I do
not
have a small penis.” I can’t help but laugh. He laughs and says almost
admiringly, “Fucking bitch.” He pauses. “In fact show me how to sign fucking
bitch.”

I laugh but show him the sign. He repeats it quickly, his
long, musician’s fingers moving smoothly and then he smirks. “That’s brilliant,
there’s actually a sign for that. Teach me some sex signs. Fuck, this is just
like when we got hold of the dictionary in Year 4 and realised that there were
rude words in it.”

“Where exactly did you learn the first bit?”

He flushes. “I got a book and I tried reading it but then I
realised that I couldn’t actually learn it from a
book,
so I got a tutor
for me and Matt. We wanted to surprise you and then I decided fuck that. You
already love Matt, I need some sugar too.”

I’m so touched by this that I can’t speak. No one has ever
done this for me and learning sign language is difficult. Misinterpreting my
silence he rushes into speech. “Have I upset you? Fuck I didn’t think of that.
It’s just that I was reading up on being partially deaf, and we went to a
hearing aid place and they do this thing where they put some silicone in your
ear so that you can experience what being deaf is like. Fuck babe I never
realised it was so hard. It shit me up being outside on the street with all
that noise.” He looks at me admiringly. “You make it look so easy.”

“Do I?”

“Yes. Anyway I got to thinking what would happen if you got
a cold. You wouldn’t be able to hear anything if your good ear was infected so
I spoke about it to Matty and we agreed to have a tutor and learn it. It’s
fucking hard though.”

I have tears in my eyes but I reach out and hug him tight
feeling his hard, lean body against mine. At first he tenses in surprise
obviously thinking that I’m cross, but then he relaxes suddenly and hugs me
tight, resting his face on my head and sighing as I inhale his smell of
grapefruit and sandalwood and feel that strange sense of safety that I have
with him. Finally he stirs and looks down into my face. “It’s okay then?”

“Bram, it’s the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for
me.”

He looks a little cross. “Well that’s just fucking not right
if this is the
nicest
thing. You should be taken to brilliant places,
stay in amazing hotels and eat at world class restaurants.”

I put my fingers over his mouth laughing and for a second
his eyes seem to darken. “Well it is the nicest thing but I’m a bit stuck on
why you chose the word doorbell to announce that you can do sign language.”

He claps his hand to his face. “Fuck I forgot, there’s
someone at the door.”

I laugh out loud and move to the door. “It’ll be Elen and
Daisy.”

He looks slightly nervous. “Yes Daisy, how old is she
again?”

“Five.”

“And what can she do?”

I smile at him. “Well she can draw and colour but she can’t
drive a manual car yet.”

He huffs. “I don’t mean that. I just don’t know what to do
with kids. I’ve got no experience at all.”

“She’s a girl Bram. I’m sure you’ll charm her like you do
all females.”

He looks smug. “Ah, so you admit it then babe. I am
charming.”

“You’ll never make me say it you know.”

I swing the door open and instantly Daisy throws herself
onto me. I’ve met her a few times but she’s a child who makes instant decisions
on who she likes or doesn’t. Luckily she’d decided to like me and I love her.
She’s a tiny thing with a taste for wearing her little combat boots with
everything, which looks slightly eccentric as her favourite colour is pink. She
has an enormous amount of soft blonde hair which stands up around her face like
a dandelion clock. Tonight she’s dressed in pink leggings, a pink jumper with
the ubiquitous boots, and is wrapped up warm in a pink parka and a woolly hat
and gloves.

“Goodness you look nice and warm.” I smile and exchange a
hug with Elen who is sneaking unobtrusive looks around the flat while looking
like her usual insouciant self. This falters slightly when Bram saunters up and
she gets her first look at him.

“Hi, Elen is it?” he asks with his usual wide, warm smile
and I can almost hear the click as she thaws, shaking the hand that he holds
out to her.

“It is and you’re Bram. Are you sure it’s okay for us to be
turning up uninvited to this party?”

“You’re not uninvited. I told Alys to ask you.”

“Well you could be eccentric or just get off on pissing your
friends off.”

 He laughs. “Alys have you been telling her about me?”

“You’re not eccentric Bram but the second part definitely
applies to you.”

Daisy jumps forward and grabs hold of Bram’s legs who
promptly freezes as if he’s in front of a firing squad. I laugh and he shoots
me a filthy look making Elen laugh before he looks down into Daisy’s face. “I
like the ring in your lip,” she confides.

He lowers himself to her level smiling warmly. “Oh you do,
do you?”

“Yes, daddy has one but mummy says that it’s very girly.”

Elen passes her hand over her face. “
Daisy,”
she
protests. “What did we say about oversharing?”

“Well you did mummy. I heard you say to Aunty Sandra that
you were going to grab it and twist it until he cried like a girl.”

Bram laughs out loud as Elen puts her head in her hands.
“Remind me not to get on the bad side of you then Elen. Mind you I think you’ll
be able to take me given how very girly I am.”

She laughs. “I think I could take you Bram. You’re tall but
bendy.”

They smile at each other in total accord which is broken by
Daisy demanding to be picked up by him. Bram complies. “See this Alys. This is
charm mate and I didn’t have to do much.”

“You never do,” I say.

“Okay ladies are we all ready?” he announces after giving me
another smug look.

I pull my black leather jacket and my big amber coloured
scarf off the settee where I’d put them earlier. The weather is quite mild for
late October so I’ve opted for layering and I’m wearing my grey cigar trousers with
a black silky camisole and a black cardigan and my grey Converse. At his
gesture I grab Bram’s battered, old, black, Moto leather jacket as well.

“Will there be sparklers?” Daisy grabs Bram’s attention with
the simple act of clasping her hands to his cheeks so hard that he has to look
at her.

“Sweetheart I think so but if by chance Charlie hasn’t got
them then I solemnly promise you that I’ll go out and buy you some. I’ll buy
you a whole box of them.”

“Rockets as well?”

“You got it lovey.”

Elen pulls me to one side as Bram walks out the door. “I’ve
changed my mind.”

I’m confused. “What?”

“That conversation we had, ignore the first bit about not
fucking him. Alys that man is lush. Fuck him and do it soon.”

“Shut up,” I hiss and laughing we lock the door and follow
Bram to the stairs.

“No lift?” Elen asks confused.

“No. Alys and I like the stairs. It’s good exercise.”

He turns to walk off and she looks at me. She knows I’m
claustrophobic but Bram doesn’t know this so he’s kept my secret. “Fuck soon,”
she mutters. “Do it
now
. I’ll distract Daisy.”

Bram

A couple of hours later Charlie, Mick and I subside onto the
patio furniture on Charlie’s deck and simultaneously let out sighs of happiness
as we lift our beers to our lips. “Those fireworks were brilliant Charlie where
did you get them from?” I ask idly.

He points at Mick with his bottle. “He picked them up.”

I look at Mick. “Oh my God you didn’t get them from Billy
Kit Kat did you?”

Charlie laughs and Mick stretches happily. “What are you
bitching about now Bramley?”

“Not bitching exactly, just marvelling that we’ve all still
got our internal organs.”

Mick smirks. “You’re such a fucking wife now Bram. Ever
since you started that Irish colony in your flat you’re just so chock full of
Irish wisdom.”

“I have not started a colony. You make it sound like fucking
‘Logan’s Run’.”

Charlie laughs and then we sigh as if synchronised and raise
our bottles. “To naked Jenny Agutter. May God bless her and all who sail in
her.”

Mick snorts beer down his nose. “I still remember your mum’s
face Charlie when Jenny got her kit off in that film. I thought she’d actually
snorted that tea up her nose she moved that quick trying to turn the TV off.”

Charlie smiles nostalgically. “Not quite quick enough.”

I sigh. “No. Thoughts of that nipple kept me happy for quite
a while.”

“Until when?” Mick asks.

“Next day when Julie Phillips showed me a real one.”

I don’t know whether it’s the thought of breasts, or more
truthfully whether it’s because I’ve known exactly where she is all night, but
my attention is immediately diverted to Alys, only to feel my mouth drop open
as I spot her on the massive trampoline at the bottom of Charlie’s garden.

She’s jumping around like a maniac with Daisy and has taken
off her jacket and scarf leaving her in a cardigan and a thin camisole the ‘v’
of which is now quite low. As if I’m hypnotised I can feel my head going up and
down like a nodding dog as the most perfect rack that I’ve ever seen bounces
energetically with her movements. Looking round I can see Mick’s head going too
and reaching over I give him a shove. “Hey, eyes off!”