Keep Me (Beggar's Choice #3) (13 page)

“It’s Sid,” he finally says.

“Oh my God no Bram. What’s happened?” I think back to the
beautiful damaged man that I’d met a few weeks ago.

“He’s overdosed.” His voice is so hoarse that I can hardly
understand him.

“Is he …?” I falter slightly unable to say the words to
someone as devastated as Bram is.

He shakes his head. “I don’t know much. Charlie said he was
holding on when they got to the hospital, but they’ve taken him away and he
doesn’t know anymore.” He stares at me grabbing my hands fiercely. “Alys I have
to go to the hospital.” He stops and flushes slightly.

“Of course you do,” I urge wondering why he’s made this pit
stop. He’s never done this before, letting me know that he’s going out, and
tonight I’d have expected him to be straight out of the door.

“I just …” He stammers slightly and then looks at me
pleadingly. “Will you … Will you go with me Alys?”

“To the hospital?” I clarify and he nods adamantly.

“Yes please. Will you come with me?” I open my mouth to
remind him that this isn’t my place. This is a time for the boys and their
other halves not for a lodger, but the words die when he says passionately, “I
need you with me please Alys. I just … I can’t do this without you. When I’m
with you I’m calmer. I won’t spin out and I can’t go without you. Please?”

There’s nothing more to be said. “Of course I will,” I say
softly, and he sighs in relief kissing my fingers gratefully.

“Thank you babe,” he mutters. “I’ll go downstairs and get
the car keys. Can you get dressed quickly? I don’t want to waste any time.”

I nod and he darts out of the room. I throw on my skinny
jeans and an oversized green jumper, slip into some ballet flats, and rush
downstairs tying my hair back in a low ponytail and grabbing my jacket from its
usual position on the side chair in the foyer. He’s pacing back and forwards
looking dishevelled and I dart forward straightening the collar of his shirt
and then grabbing his coat. He takes it impatiently and I smile
understandingly.

“It’s freezing outside Pip, don’t be a twat.”

He smiles, a mere movement of his mobile lips, and then
we’re off into the night.

Bram

London’s streets are never empty but there isn’t much
traffic at 2 am which leaves me far too much time to think. I tap my fingers
restlessly on the steering wheel and part of me distantly realises that I’m
marking out the time for ‘She’s All That’ which was one of our first number
one’s. The latest Chase & Status album is playing very faintly and Alys is
curled up in the passenger seat. She’s staring out of the window quietly, but I
know that all her attention is on me and the quiet is her way of leaving me
alone until I’m ready to talk.

Ever since I was little no one could ever pry problems out
of me until I was ready to talk, but no one ever quite got that. My aunt and
uncle just kept going, growing more and more frustrated. I both hate and love
it that Alys knows this about me after only a few short months. I love it
because with her I have a connection that goes beyond anything that I’ve ever
felt, even with Matt and Sid. We just get each other and every day that goes by
I feel more and more close to her. I want her to be happy and safe and content,
but selfishly I want to be the one that gives her those feelings, not someone
else.

This last week I’ve never felt so absorbed by another person
and certainly never with a woman. Everything she does fascinates me and I found
myself asking her endless searching questions while lying under an eiderdown
pretending to watch that series that I know she’s wanted to watch for ages.
I’ve never been like that with a woman before. We’d fuck and as long as she got
off and wasn’t expecting anything from me then the balance was maintained. I
was heartless and fancy free.

However, paradoxically I hate all these new feelings. I
don’t want to need someone. I don’t want to feel incomplete without someone
being there. I know that relationships don’t last with me because there’s
something in me that doesn’t encourage women to want more. Of course they want
marriage, but that’s money talking.

People have always said that I’m frivolous and superficial
and maybe I am, but underneath that there’s more, a side that I don’t want
anyone to see and she’s getting perilously close to seeing over the edge. I
hate that tonight I felt like I was drowning in panic with my only thought
being to get to her. She calms me just by being near her and tonight I’d needed
that. As soon as I’d been in her room breathing in her warm scent of Dune
perfume and feeling her arms around me, I’d suddenly been able to think clearly
like someone had wiped clean a window to the outside.

I feel my heart beating like the fast drum solo that Seth
does when we’re playing live and I massage my chest. Fuck, I feel like I might
have a heart attack which I’d worry about but I know it’s panic. I can’t get
into anything with her because the people who love me leave, and I can’t bear
the idea of never seeing
her
again.

At the thought of leaving my mind immediately shifts to Sid
and I feel anger run through me like fire. That stupid fucking bastard. He
could die tonight and it’s all his fault.
Please don’t leave me
I beg
him in my head silently, the way I have done for months now.

Thoughts of the two of us through the years rush through my
head. Months spent sharing the same room while we toured the world. Schooldays
spent together skiving off to go to HMV and buy music. Afternoons spent
passionately debating who was better - Led Zeppelin or Genesis. The times he
was there when my uncle hit me. He was just always there, a calm, funny foil to
my teenage madness. We’d fit together like peas in a pod, and the idea that I
might have to go on living in a world that doesn’t have him in it anymore makes
me want to fucking weep.

I’m only aware that I’m still rubbing my chest when Alys
puts her hand over mine stopping the absentminded gesture. I jerk slightly as
her touch zips through me like I’m holding an exposed wire. She looks at me
curiously. “It’s alright Bram,” she says softly, her warm Irish voice with that
flat undertone filling the car and my head like always so I can’t concentrate
on anything but her.

“You don’t know that,” I mutter, but a part of me hears the
begging undertone in my voice.
Yes, tell me that he’s going to pull through.
If you tell me that it will be true. I’ll believe you.

“I know I don’t know that
a
stòr,
but he was
found quickly from what you’ve said and he’s in the best place to be safe. You
never know but this may be the best thing that’s happened to him. Maybe it’s
the shock that will finally get him clean.”

I want so much to believe the simple conviction in her voice
but we’ve been down this road so many times. So many interventions. So many
tears and begging and him acquiescing, and all of us knowing that deep down he
was never going to get clean, that we could lose him any day because he didn’t
care enough about himself, let alone us, to get healthy again.

That impotent anger fills me again like it has every day for
months when I think of Sid, and then I’d reach for the alcohol or another bird
or my guitar, anything to get my thoughts away from one of the best friend’s
that I’ve ever had dying in front of my eyes slowly.

“I guess we’ll see,” I say finally, becoming aware that I
haven’t answered. “We’re here.” I pull into a parking space, the dark shape of
the hospital looming over me like some sort of cartoon villain’s house. I smell
her warm orange and vanilla scent and feel her hand creep into mine and
squeeze, and some of her comfort seeps into me shouldering out all these bad
thoughts. I squeeze it hard. If I have her here with me I don’t think anything
can happen that’s so bad that I can’t cope with it. But how long will she stay?

Alys

We walk into the hospital holding hands. I expect him to
drop mine when he becomes aware of that but instead he squeezes it tightly,
keeping me near him all the way up in the lift as he stands behind me, leaning
on me and occasionally resting his forehead against my hair like he’s drawing
strength.

The woman on reception had obviously been briefed on secrecy
but she’d recognised Bram immediately without him showing any ID and readily
directed us upstairs to the 10
^th
floor.

When the lift doors open it proves to be a private waiting
room which is full of Sid’s loved ones. I instantly see Seth sitting staring
into space. Viv is slumped against him talking softly while she strokes his
hair. Mick sits next to her looking grey and older somehow with all of his
normal jollity gone. He’s listening to a small, sharp suited man talk rapidly
to him. I can’t hear what he’s saying but Mick has a strange look of distaste
on his face which looks wrong in place of his usual big smile.

As the doors open everyone glances up and Matt exclaims and
strides over to us taking Bram in his arms in a big, comforting hug. He looks
haggard, dressed in ratty old jeans and a creased navy polo shirt, and Bram
clings to him listening to him speak intently, but one hand keeps hold of mine
and he draws me close until all three of us are sharing a hug.

“Where’s Charlie?” Bram asks, and Matt points over to a
window half hidden by a hot drinks dispenser where I see Charlie slumped,
staring out in utter stillness as if hypnotised.

Bram gives me a quick hug and guides me fully into Matt’s
arms. “I’m going to have a word,” he says. “Stay with Matt
a
stòr.
”

I nod and as he moves away Matt hugs me, clinging tightly
for a second as if seeking comfort himself. “I’m so fucking glad that you’re
with him. He’d be spinning out if you weren’t here. Sid’s everything to him,
like his brother.”

“Like you,” I remind him. “And you’re here babe. He’d have
been fine.”

He stares at me silently for a second and then shakes his
head. “I’m not you Al. You calm him like nothing I’ve ever seen.” Part of me
wants so much to believe this, that I mean something special in Bram’s world,
but a bigger part is ashamed of myself to be thinking of that at this time so I
shrug and change the subject.

“How is he?” I ask in what I hope is a low voice. With the
fluctuation in my hearing that’s always a bit of a crapshoot.

Matt shrugs and pulls me over to the drinks dispenser. “Do
you want a cup of tea?” I nod and as he goes through the motions of counting
the money and pressing buttons he says clearly, “We don’t know yet. Seth found
him. He’d been trying to ring him and got a bad feeling, so thank God he went
over because Sid was on his own in a puddle of vomit and blood.”

I wince and he mutters ‘
sorry’
. “He was on his own?”
I clarify and he shoots me a dark look.

“
Afterwards
he was on his own. Whether he got there before
on his own is another story.”

“No Leah?”

He shakes his head. “No, that bitch has made herself very
scarce. Makes me wonder how she knows not to blow Sid’s phone up like normal
asking for money to score or pretty clothes.” He smiles darkly. “Almost as if
she knows not to bother eh?”

I’m shocked. “You think that she knew and left him? Who
does
that?”

He shoots me a sad smile. “There are bad people in this
world babe, you and I both know that, and there’s no more selfish creatures
than addicts. They’re like succubae draining the life out of everyone.”

I rub his arm consolingly. He’s been friends with Sid longer
than Bram, and must be suffering just as much. I watch Bram talking urgently to
Charlie and then drawing him into a tight hug but Charlie still holds his body
tightly. “Where’s Mabe?” I ask, suddenly missing her. “I would have thought
she’d have been straight here by Charlie’s side.”

He shrugs. “No one’s managed to get hold of her. She and
Charlie have been distant for the last few weeks. She’s been avoiding him. Mick
went outside to try her again about half an hour ago when he went down to see
about some food. I wish she was here though. She’s who Charlie needs most at
this moment and Sid’s practically her brother.” I look at him in query and he nods.
“She grew up next door to Charlie and Sid. They’ve always been really tight.”

We’re drawn from our discussion when the lift doors ping and
open and Mabe steps out, her long red hair loose and dishevelled. The noise
attracts Charlie and Bram’s attention and then Charlie makes a choked, agonised
noise and moves quickly, pushing past us and throwing himself into her open
arms burying his head in her neck and shuddering.

“Charlie, Charlie,” she soothes, stroking his hair. “It’s
okay babe. I’m here. I’m here.” He clings closer muttering something, and Matt
and I move away towards Bram who draws us down into the seats next to the
others after we’ve hugged them.

Bram nods at Charlie. “He’ll be better now,” he says
seriously. “He just needed Mabe.”

Matt shoots him a look. “Why?” he asks and I’m surprised.
The depth of feeling between the two of them is obvious even to me, so why Matt
needs to ask that is beyond me.

Bram looks at him surprised too. “Because he’s in love with
her,” he says patiently.

“Hmm.” Matt is carefully not looking at him. “Fancy that. He
needs her because he’s in love with her. Do you think that he knows?”

Bram stares at him and then talks very slowly as if to
someone not quite right in the head. “I presume so Matt or he’s denying it all
the way. Either way it’s a done deal for Charlie. Really, why are we having
this conversation Matty? You know this as much as I do.”

“Sorry,” Matt says meekly but his sharp gaze that spins
between the two of us makes me squirm with its hidden meaning.

I become aware of the sharp suited man still talking and
whisper to Matt, “Who is that?”

“That’s Bill the manager,” he says with a sneer.

I turn back with interest to find him talking now to Bram
and Seth. “All I’m saying is that we can still spin this. If he gets better
we’ll talk about his inspiration to get clean which will be the music and you
boys. If he doesn’t …”

“If he
doesn’t
?” Bram says in a voice which makes me
cold. His fists are clenching and Seth reaches out a warning hand and squeezes
one of them but Bill is oblivious.

“Well if he doesn’t it will be tragic of course, but he’ll
be an icon like Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison. You know what James Dean said,
live fast …”

“If you fucking finish that sentence you’ll regret it,” Seth
growls and Bill squeaks.

“Well, no need to take it like that Seth. That’s what I’m
paid for you know, to manage these situations to their optimal value.”

“No you’re not,” Bram spits. “You’re paid to manage our
deals. We’d hoped a nice side line of knowing us would you be developing a
heart and a conscience but that was obviously fucking far off the mark.”

“Bram you’re very emotional as normal,” Bill soothes and I
glare at him for taking such a patronising tone, like Bram’s some sort of
airhead. “It’s not ‘The Wizard of Oz’ you know.”

He gives a smug smile at his cleverness which dies quickly
as Bram leans into him, his voice thick with his accent which happens when his
emotions are high. “Obviously not because then you’d have enough brains to know
not to utter smart fucking remarks and talk to Sid’s brothers about him dying.”
His hand clenches. “He’s not dead yet you piece of shit so I propose that you
get your bony, fucking arse out of this room that is full of the people who
love him and come back when we need you to spin something.” He moves forward
menacingly when Bill sits stunned. “Now!” he thunders and Bill leaps up doing
his best to look indignant rather than frightened and not succeeding. He
mutters something that I can’t catch and running his hand through his sparse
hair he leaves rapidly.

Seth claps a hand on Bram’s shoulder. “Nicely said,” he
grumbles. “Now let’s all calm down because we’re in for a long wait.”

Bram looks at him. “The longer the better Seth. That could
only mean good news.”

We settle down into the seats and fall into an exhausted
silence. After a bit I can feel my eyes start to droop and I jerk myself awake
a couple of times until Bram grabs my shoulder with his good arm, guiding me to
lie across the spare seat next to me and put my head in his lap. “Sleep
a
stòr
,” he says. “We can’t do much at the moment and you’re asleep in
your chair.”

“Oh no,” I say, startled. “I won’t do that. You said that
you needed me.”

He smiles steadily. “I do and you help me just by being here.
Lie down and let me stroke your hair. It soothes me.” I give in reluctantly
feeling his hard thighs under my shoulder and his warm strong hand with the
long fingers threading steadily through my hair, while he conducts a low voiced
conversation with Seth and Matt and Viv sleeps, her long hair spread over
Seth’s leg. The conversation continues lulling me and I drift.

I don’t know how long it is but I’m jerked awake when Bram’s
body goes ramrod stiff under my head and I become aware of loud voices. Jerking
upright I push my hair back and screw in my hearing aid which has become loose,
while looking blearily around. Two doctors in white coats and even whiter tired
faces are talking to Charlie who seems to be being almost held up by Mabe.

I look in alarm to Bram as the normal disconnect between my
hearing and my brain that happens when I sleep takes a while to fade. Bram
wraps his hand around my neck almost as if seeking comfort and I caress his arm
smiling reassuringly at him. He closes his eyes for a second and then gets to
his feet and moves reluctantly over to the huddle with Seth as if he’s going to
the scaffold.

They all confer together and I look worriedly at Matt before
glancing back in time to see Charlie almost collapse. Bram and Seth grab him
tight and they merge into one tight hug. My hand goes to my mouth and I look at
Matt almost afraid to voice my fear. If Sid died this will destroy Bram and the
others. Then I see Matt smile cautiously and turning I see Charlie smiling and
shaking the doctors’ hands. Bram disengages and comes striding to us his face
alive with happiness and looking ten years younger. “He’s alright,” he says and
Matt slumps in relief.

“How is he?”

Bram shrugs. “He’s alive, that’s the most important thing at
the moment and there’s no brain damage thank God.” He crosses himself looking
so much like a good Irish schoolboy that I smile involuntarily. “They don’t
think there’s any permanent organ damage either but he’s still got to have a
load of tests. He’s asleep at the moment and they’ll keep him under for a
while, but then he’s got to look at his options. We’ve got to get him clean
Matt.”

“We will,” Matt says calmly and I see him for a second
clearly as he must have been all these years, the calm to Bram’s mad.

Bram turns and offers me his hand. Letting him pull me to
him I exhale as he pulls me close burying his head in my shoulder and breathing
deeply in relief. “Thank God eh Alys,” he mutters and I stroke his hair feeling
the silky softness.

“Yes Bram. He’s safe now.”

“You’re my good luck charm,” he murmurs and I see Matt smile
at us happily.

“She is mate,” he says softly. “She’s definitely yours.”

It’s 5 in the morning and the sky is a beautiful wild
looking red when we finally pile into Bram’s flat. I’m first through and I turn
to look at Bram as he shuts the door and leans against it with a weary sigh. He
looks almost grey and I pat his arm. “You need a nice hot shower babe and then
roll into bed.”

He rolls his head against the door looking at me through
half closed eyes. “You reckon?”

“You haven’t got anything else on today have you?”

He gives a lopsided non smile. “Only band practice but I
think we can safely say that’s been cancelled.”

“Will you go back to the hospital?”

He nods. “Yeah I’m going back in the evening. The day will
be taken up by tests so I won’t get to see him anyway.”

“So sleep now,” I urge. “Conserve your strength Bram because
this is likely going to be for the long haul.”

He sighs looking absolutely exhausted and I look at him
concerned. He’s normally so upbeat and ebullient that it hurts to see him like
this. He looks too tired to sleep but I know what will get him moving. I sigh
and he looks at me. “Alright?”

“Yes just really tired.” I’m not lying, my body longs for my
bed but instantly he shifts away from the door.

“Come on then sweetheart. You need a shower too.” I let him
push me down the hall and into my bathroom where I watch bemusedly as he turns
the shower on and checks the temperature as if I’m a small child. Seeing me
watching him he makes a chivvying gesture and I smile. “I’m not showering until
you do Bram.”

He nods. “I’m going. Will you be okay?”

I smile. “I’ll make sure to shout if I get scared.”

He smiles slightly. “You do that.” Then he sobers. “I might
do that myself.”

“Bram …” I start but he shakes his head and with a wave
leaves me to it which is probably a relief because I don’t know what I would
have said anyway.

I unpin my hair and strip off my clothes before sliding into
the shower feeling the hot spray hit me and groaning in pleasure. I stay in
there a while enjoying the unlimited hot water and scrubbing myself clean of
the hospital smell. I’ve spent a lot of time in hospitals over the years, first
with the meningitis followed by the years of testing for my hearing, then the
final months of mum’s illness and now obviously with my job, and it seems to me
that all hospitals have that smell combining bleach and decay.