Keep Me (Beggar's Choice #3) (15 page)

“Get in babe. I’m fucking knackered. I just want to sleep
and sleep and get rid of this fucking day forever.”

My embarrassment and self-consciousness are gone instantly
and all my instincts of comforting him race to the fore. I immediately slide
into the bed next to him and as he pulls the duvet over us and we settle down
into the welcoming mattress and soft pillows we both give out synchronised
sighs of contentment.

“There is no better feeling than that,” I say softly.
“Getting into bed when you’re so tired.”

He turns to face me lying on his side and sniggers tiredly.
“Women usually have better feelings when getting into bed with me.”

“Like what?”

“Anticipation, ebullience, joy and unrestrained sheet
clawing satisfaction.” He snorts, spoiling the cockiness by yawning hugely.

“Have you swallowed a dictionary?” I mutter and he laughs
softly.

“That’s the last thing that gets swallowed in this bed.”

I punch his arm lightly. “Don’t be rude.” I pause. “I
suppose this is the first innocent sleepover that you’ve ever had.”

He smiles looking at my face warmly. “This is the first I
have to admit Alys. It’s definitely different.” He pauses and I think he says something
about loving it but it’s low and his face is looking down at my arm that he’s
caressing so I can’t be sure, and then because he’s yawned it makes me yawn
too, a face splitting yawn. “Turn over,” he says, looking me in the face. “Take
that hearing aid out and go to sleep love.”

I roll over obediently and take out my hearing aid
reluctantly. I know it’ll hurt if I leave it in but I almost don’t want this to
end curled up next to him talking, and without it I won’t even hear him
sleeping.

I settle down into the blankets on my side and then I feel
movement and he draws me back against him and I feel the whole length of his
body against me, the hair roughened muscles and the long length of his hairy
legs which entwine with mine.

I remain stiff for a second but then I feel the long, deep
sigh that he gives and feel his face nuzzle against my neck and I give in to my
feelings and cuddle against him making my muscles go lax. There’s movement and
suddenly he forces one arm under me and the other around me and with his hands
in front of me and held up so that I can see them he signs ‘thank you, sleep
now’. I curl my fingers around his and squeeze and then he wraps both arms
around me and draws me down into him and within seconds I fall into the deep
valley of sleep.

I don’t know how long it is before I wake up but the light
seems strong against the curtains covering the big windows. I don’t know what
wakes me and I feel a moment of disorientation before a shaft of pleasure
steaks through me like lightening and almost involuntarily my body arches as I
realise that a big hand is cupping my breast, gathering the material of my
nightie and rubbing my nipple with it causing a deep thrill to run through me.

My breasts have never been that sensitive before and I’d just
dismissed them as not being part of my erogenous zone. Now, however I’m
reconsidering this. I’m also considering giving them their own postcode in this
zone because Bram’s fingers are like magic, cupping and sliding over my breasts
like they’re a new musical instrument.

Bram
! My incoherent thoughts screech to a halt.
Oh
my God Bram has his hands on my nipples
. Before I can say something or even
move away his warm body shoves up hard against me his hips pressing insistently
into my backside, and at the feel of his very hard cock all my thoughts scatter
and melt like sugar over a pancake and all I can do is feel.

I can’t hear but I feel the deep groan that runs through his
body and then his hands move, such knowing skilled hands, their fingertips
calloused from years of guitar playing. They catch on the lace of my nightie
and trace fire trails over my skin as they slide over my body before clutching
my hips and pulling me hard into him so that he can start the most sublime grind
against me.

One hand abandons holding me to move in and then I break the
tense silence to let out a choked moan as it moves in and slides into my
panties, cupping my pussy and pulling me back against him while one finger
slides through my wetness.

For a second my groan echoes in my ear half formed and
choked, and then I feel his whole body go rigid against me. I hear his voice
grumble something against my back where his face has been tucked. I think it’s
my name but I can’t hear properly as my good ear is tucked into the pillow. For
a second everything stills, the only movement his ribs pumping hard against my
back and the rapid breaths which are hitting me on the neck, and then his hand
shoots out of my knickers so quickly it’s like he’s been electrocuted, and with
a quick movement he rolls me over to lie on my back while he crouches over me.

For a long moment he stares at me giving me a chance to note
that he has red flags of colour over his sharp cheekbones and a very impressive
erection. I stare back unable to drop my eyes from his burning gaze and wonder
what he’s going to say. The silence stretches as his eyes roam over my body
feverishly, seeming to take avid notice of the fact that my nightie is rucked
up to an indecent level showing my long legs off and the lace of my knickers.

Then he groans and runs his hand over his face obscuring his
expression as he speaks into his hand and I sigh as I can’t hear anything apart
from muffled words like they’re spoken underwater. I’m quite often like this
when I wake up from a heavy sleep. I make a move towards the bedside table
where my hearing aid is, and he uncovers his face and sees what I’m reaching
for and stretches over to get it for me. In doing so the full length of his
body presses into mine and we both still for a second as if we’re in a
dangerous situation that could explode at any minute, which when you think
about it is true.

Then he levers off me like my body is quicksand and moves to
sit next to me while I screw in my hearing aid. I take my time because I’ve
seen his face and I already know what he’s going to say so I keep my eyes
lowered in a pose of concentration, when really I want to shield my expression
so that he doesn’t know how into him I was and how he could have anything from
me at this point of time and he wouldn’t even have to ask nicely.

Finally I can’t delay any longer and hearing aid in I look
nervously up at him to find a face of apology. Something in me sinks and I
realise that a distant part of me was hoping that he’d realised that he had
feelings for me. Well I suppose he has, but unfortunately regret and sadness
are not the ones that I was hoping for.

Making sure that I can see his face he sighs. “I’m so sorry
darling. So, so sorry. I never meant for that to happen. I just woke up and
there was a warm, beautiful body next to me and nature took over. It wasn’t
until I woke up properly that I realised who it was.”

He trails off no doubt realising that he’s just managed to
imply that any marginally warm body will do and that I mean nothing to him.
That it wasn’t me that got him hard, it wasn’t the feel of my body, the smell
of my hair or my perfume on his sheets that worked its magic. No, for Bram
O’Connell any hole’s a goal.

I struggle to keep my mortification off my face because
unfortunately for me it was just him that got me hot. The silky feel of his
hair on my body, the strength of his body as he moved me around to please
himself and the warm scent of him that permeates his sheets.

I realise that he’s hovering waiting for me to speak to him,
his hands nervously rubbing invisible patterns on his pyjama shorts. Sighing I
make myself smile that cool smile that covers up my emotions that I’d learnt
when I was in care, along with the knowledge that people are less inclined to
let you go when you smile and don’t make trouble. I think that he senses
something different about the smile because the intuitive bastard’s face falls
and he slumps so I rush into speech, my voice cool and collected although I
don’t know how. “It’s fine Bram. It was bound to happen. Like you said you
don’t have many innocent sleepovers. I could have been anyone I know.”

He flinches and for a second he looks upset. “Not
anyone
,”
he says earnestly. “I didn’t mean to imply that.”

I raise my hand and he trails into silence. I make myself
smile at him again. “It doesn’t matter babe. It was just a mistake. Let’s say
no more about it.”

My heart cracks a little at the look of instant relief that
crosses his face. He wants to forget this so desperately like I’m not good
enough to even want a sliver of memory to remain about it. “Are you sure babe?
I don’t want anything to damage this friendship that I have with you. It’s …”
He hesitates. “It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me having you for a
friend. I can’t bear the idea that we wouldn’t be friends anymore.”

My heart softens at his obvious distress and really he’s
right. I don’t want this friendship to fall apart any more than he does. He’s
the first real friend of my heart, someone that I don’t pretend with, someone
that seems to see me, and obviously that means something to him. He had the
chance this morning to push the friendship into something more and he didn’t
want to, that’s obvious, so if all I have is friendship with him, well that’s
not shoddy. I’ll just have to zip these other feelings away somewhere that
he’ll never see or guess.

Bending forward I hug him tentatively, surprised when he
makes a choked sound and pulls me tight against him. For a second my body coils
inside as it recognises how much pleasure he could bring me, and then I focus
on feeling the warmth and caring that emanates from him. I pull back after a
few minutes feeling the reluctance in his arms as they let go. “It’s fine,” I
say clearly, giving him a real smile and he relaxes instantly.

“Are you sure Alys? I couldn’t bear it if I’ve fucked us
up.”

I shake my head firmly. “It was just a bit of groping. No
harm done.” I smile teasingly. “You’re not that good babe. Now if it was Chris
Hemsworth it might be a different story.”

He huffs indignantly. “Alys I’ve told you before that Chris
Hemsworth has nothing on Bram O’Connell.”

I laugh, glad to do it honestly this time. “Especially not
as Bram O’Connell has taken to talking about himself in the third person. Now
I’m going to shower and the price for a mild grope is you making coffee and
breakfast.”

Bram

She leaves the room and I can’t help but notice the tanned
length of her legs, the curve of her hips that my hands had mapped out, and the
long length of her hair flying behind her. I fall back onto the bed groaning.
I’d had that hair in my hands feeling the softness of it, inhaling the scent of
it and watching the early morning light play in the beautiful blonde strands
before she woke up. I’d lied to her, the first time that I’ve ever done that to
her. I’d known who she was every step of the way. Every inch of her body that
I’d traced with my hands was burnt in my brain, and I’d known what I was doing
from the first touch.

My dick pulses and feeling like a total creeper I lower my hand,
palming it roughly and feeling a moan working in my throat. She’d been
everything that I’d thought she would and I’ve had a lot of thoughts about her
over the last few months. Her skin had felt like silk. Her breasts were the
perfect size for my hands, and when her nipples had grown hard like pebbles
under my fingers I’d been embarrassingly close to coming.

I let myself remember pushing my hand down into her panties,
the heat there and the sleek wetness inside that had greeted me and I start a
rough stroke of my cock, twisting my hand over the top and groaning as I
remember the moan that she’d given then. It only takes a few strokes and then I
let out a choked grunt with an echo of her name as I come like a fucking
fountain all over the sheets that smell like her.

For a second I lie there almost undone by pleasure, and then
I groan and roll over pushing my head into the pillows. Yes, I’d known right
from the minute that I’d woken up but I hadn’t been able to stop myself
touching and taking. I’ve always been renowned for my control. I can go for
hours and a woman’s pleasure is my top priority. There’s a reason for the
requests for repeat business and it’s not just for my bank balance, but this
time I’d been rendered close to coming in seconds by someone that is my friend,
and it’s that thought that had stopped me when I was on the sticky slope to not
stopping.

Because she
is
my friend and I can’t lose her. I feel
so close to her like I know what she’s thinking, and somehow she’s just mine in
a way that no woman ever has been before. She challenges me, makes me laugh,
makes me think and now she makes me fucking burn. But if I have her even once I
know what will happen. She’ll leave, everyone does, and I know that I may have
hurt her this morning with those words which flustered me and didn’t come out
right, but I know that I did the right thing. I have to have her in my life. I
can’t be without her now, and so I have to keep my hands off her even though
that might be the most difficult thing that I’ve ever had to do because
everything about her attracts me.

Alys

The months fly past after that night in a flickering
slideshow of course work and seminars on my part, and hospital visits and band
business on Bram’s. I’d had my first placement and I’d been thrilled to find
that I’d been allocated Great Ormond Street Children’s Hospital. The placement
has been hard both mentally and physically which has helped to take my mind off
mine and Bram’s relationship. It’s been strained between us since that morning
and we’ve definitely both taken a step back and let each other have their own
space. I’ve missed him tremendously but I feel for the benefit of my sanity
that I can’t get too close.

I also feel weirdly angry with him which bothers me because
he’s been very honest about his feelings. However, that knowledge doesn’t stop
the burn inside me at how he’d so casually and easily dismissed the chance for
us. I don’t know
his
reasons for the distance. I just hope that they
don’t include letting me down gently, but he’s been weirdly nervous and on edge
around me ever since, and I’ve caught him staring at me when he didn’t think
that I was looking.

The band had managed to keep the overdose a secret to my
astonishment, and at first Sid had been completely apathetic according to Bram.
Then he’d suddenly decided to go into rehab which is where he’s been since he
left the hospital. I haven’t seen him yet as Bram had said that he wouldn’t
want anyone seeing him in the state that he’s been in. I’d completely agreed
with that which is why I’d been taken aback by Bram’s decision yesterday that
he was taking me to see Sid at the rehab centre as he’s now allowed visitors.

He’d come to find me in my room where I was lying writing an
essay. I’d looked up to find him standing in the doorway watching me with a
slight smile on his mouth.

“Jesus, Bram,” I’d exclaimed. “We should put a fucking bell
on you if you’re going to be doing creepy shit like this.”

He’d laughed but a small part of it had looked like relief
and then he’d thrown himself cavalierly down on the bed next to me and picked
up my essay. “Jesus Alys that sounds fucking tedious.”

“Hey,” I’d said, slapping him and taking the papers off him.

“No really. Lend that to me for the next bout of insomnia
that I suffer from.”

“Oh fuck off. Lovely as this visit is what do you want?”

He’d put his hand over his heart mockingly. “Alys I’m
wounded. Why would I want something?”

“Well do you?”

He’d smirked. “Okay yes I do. I want you to come with me
tomorrow and meet Sid.”

“Babe I’ve already met him.”

“No you haven’t, not really. You met asshole Sid, druggie
Sid. You just haven’t met
my
Sid yet and I really want you to.”

“Why?”

He’d looked embarrassed. “Because you’re two of my most
favourite people in the world. I want you to meet properly and get on.”

I’d been so touched and glad to feel the distance melting
that I had agreed instantly which is why I am now standing looking in my
mirror, examining my appearance and trying to see myself from another person’s
perspective, and not just anyone. He’s Bram’s best friend and I really want him
to like me.

I look at my outfit searchingly. I’m wearing a dark grey,
woollen sweater dress with a round neck. It falls to mid-thigh so I’ve teamed it
with black opaque tights and some black ballet flats. I’ll wear it with my
black asymmetric jacket and a big, light grey scarf and I’ve plaited my hair
and pulled it into an updo.

My musings are interrupted by a very loud bang on the door.
Bram always knocks very loudly as it’s often a bit of a lottery over whether
I’ll hear. He pokes his tousled head around the door. “Ready?”

I grimace at him. “I’m not sure. Do I look okay?”

He looks me up and down very slowly lingering on the way
that the fabric clings to my chest and I see a muscle tick in his jaw as though
he’s tense. Then he seems to make a deliberate effort to relax. “You look
gorgeous babe.” He frowns. “You seem to be making a lot of effort for Sid.”

“Well of course I am.” He frowns again and I wonder what
he’s thinking, but then dismiss it as he’ll never tell me unless he wants to.
“Anyway, is it suitable?”

“Suitable for what?”

“Visiting someone in rehab. Does it say rehab visiting to
you? Is it
suitable
?”

He laughs. “As long as it doesn’t say ‘
I will break you
out of rehab’
on it and there aren’t secret pockets for smuggling in heroin
then I think you’ll find that it’s
suitable
.”

I wrinkle my nose. “You’re hopeless.”

“Yes I must be if I don’t know which designers cover rehab
visiting. You look fucking gorgeous and I’m already nervous that Sid will see
you and fall in love with you and I’ll have to stop being friends with you in
order to give my newly clean friend what he needs most, and then I’ll die alone
surrounded by cats that will eat me before I’m not quite dead.”

His words run out in a massive rush and I stare at him.
“Have you been eating those blue smarties again sweetie?”

He laughs, looking slightly embarrassed. “Ignore me I’m
nervous, are you ready?”

I grab my jacket and gesture to him. “Come on then let’s
go.”

An hour later we pull up to the front of a large manor house
in a flurry of gravel and with the very loud strains of ‘If I Had a Gun’ by
Noel Gallagher’s Flying Birds coming from the stereo. Bram switches the engine
off and silence intrudes filled with only the sound of birdsong. I roll my head
to face him when he doesn’t immediately move. “You okay?” I ask softly.

He sighs and rotates his neck looking unexpectedly tired. He
seems strained lately. “I’m okay. It’s just always a bit nerve racking visiting
him.”

“Why?”

“Well because I never know what I’m going to find.”

“He’s been okay so far hasn’t he?”

He nods emphatically. “Oh yes he’s been brilliant and looks
more like the old Sid every day.”

“So?”

“It’s just that maybe today will be the day that he isn’t
okay and we’ll go in and he’ll be high or jonesing for a hit. What if he’s
relapsed again?”

I take his hand trying valiantly to ignore the tingles. He
shoots a sharp look at my hand so I don’t think I’m alone in this feeling. “I
think it’s very unlikely that he’s going to get his hands on any gear here, and
maybe he will be craving a hit but this is Sid’s fight. At the end of the day
there is nothing that you or anyone else can say or do that will ultimately
make a difference. It’s down to him whether he stays clean. All you can do is
be there for him.”

He sighs and I think that we’re coming to the heart of it.
“But what if I’ve had enough of that Alys? What sort of friend would I be to
refuse to be there for him? We’ve been here so many times and I know it sounds
ridiculous to you, me worrying about him being high in here, but he’s managed
to get his hands on drugs in the least likely places. He has a talent for it if
anything that horrific could be called a talent. Sometimes I’ve just wanted to
beat his fucking face in because I’m so angry with him and hurt by him. What if
one day I just walk away? What sort of friend would I be then?”

“Bram you are
very
far from being ridiculous. You’re
the best friend that I’ve ever had, and I know Matty and Sid and the others
would say the same thing. You’re kind and loyal and always there, steady and
sure. I know that you won’t give up on him.” He looks at me searchingly and I
say with emphasis, “I
know
that you wouldn’t do that, but you do know
that it’s okay and perfectly understandable to have these feelings of rage and
hurt don’t you? It’s normal because you love him, but I know that at the end of
the day whatever happens you’ll always be there for him.”

Silence falls and I see him take in and let out a long
breath before turning back to me. I’m relieved to see some of his old life and
humour in his eyes like a little weight has been lifted from him. He smiles at
me and I blink because it’s so tender, as he lifts a finger and catches a
strand of hair falling free from my plait and tucks it carefully behind my ear
caressing my face as his hand falls away.

However, I’m horrified to feel that frisson of rage again.
How
dare he look so tender when it means nothing
? I come back to myself to find
him staring at me quizzically. He opens his mouth as if to say something but
then shakes his head. “Thank you,” he says finally and offers nothing more.
Instead he vaults out of the car and comes round to open my door taking my hand
to help me down. “Come on then darling. Come and meet Sid.”

The centre is beautiful inside like a manor house. I almost
expect to see couples sitting around reading the papers and having pre-lunch
drinks, but instead a woman in a pale green uniform arrives to show us to where
Sid is waiting for us. I try not to stare as I walk down the corridor after her
passing a sunroom, but it’s hard as I just spotted two very famous actresses
and a supermodel.

Bram looks back and catches me gawping. “That’s why we’re
meeting in a private room,” he offers. “Usually you have to do everything in
the open at rehab but here they do make exceptions for famous people because
obviously some business could be open to being leaked to the press.”

“I’m surprised they make exceptions,” I offer because this
centre is known as one of the stricter ones.

Bram smiles. “Oh we’re going to be searched in a minute and
we’ve all had to be interviewed and vetted before they let us visit.”

“I’ve not been vetted.”

“Well I vouched for you,” he offers. “So keep the stripping
to a minimum this time eh babe because Sid doesn’t need high blood pressure
again.”

“Oh shut up.” I smack him hard on the arm while he howls
with laughter and the woman smiles at me. “I’m not really a stripper,” I say to
her but she just smiles again so I resort to hitting Bram’s arm again. Finally
we arrive at an old wooden door where a large man in a suit waits for us.

The woman turns to me. “I’ll search you now if that’s okay,
while Sam will do Mr O’Connell.”

I nod okay and we’re both gently searched with Bram making
suggestions that we swap over. Finally finished the woman gestures to the door.
“You’re in the library,” she tells us. “I’ll come back in an hour, or if you
want to leave early just ring the bell.”

“How is he?” Bram asks and she smiles.

“He’s good,” she offers and he relaxes again. “I’ll leave
you then,” she murmurs and wanders off leaving us staring at the door.

After a minute staring I nudge Bram. “Well are we going in
or not Nervous Nora?”

He gives a very unattractive snort and shakes his head and
knocks briefly. I hear a deep voice and Bram swings open the door and ushers me
into what is a beautiful old library, lined floor to ceiling with shelves full
of old books. Several deep settees are dotted around and rising from one of
them is the instantly recognisable figure of Sid, but he bears no resemblance
to the man that I met at Halloween.

Gone is the gauntness, dirty sweaty hair and the greenish
complexion. Instead, his complexion looks healthier and he’s got a light tan.
His eyes are clear and his hair is clean and shiny. He’s wearing faded jeans
and a navy polo shirt and he’s put on some much needed weight although he’s
still too thin.

“Pip,” he exclaims as he catches Bram in a fierce hug,
holding tight to him and ruffling his hair affectionately.

I laugh at the nickname and Sid’s attention turns to me. “Is
this Alys?” he asks putting his hand out to me.

I nod and smile taking care not to show any sign that we’ve
met before as he obviously doesn’t remember and I don’t want to embarrass him
because instinctively I like him. His face is sterner than Bram’s but there’s
kindness in his eyes and the love between the two of them is obvious. Bram
looks ten years younger just being around him as he is at the moment. I
sincerely hope that this rehab stint takes.

“Well I’m really pleased to meet you,” he says clearly.
“This twat’s told me loads about you.”

“Oh there’s not much to tell,” I protest.

“Hasn’t stopped Bram from filling hours with it.” He shoots
a sidelong glance at Bram who promptly and to my amazement blushes. I stare at
him and he squirms making Sid laugh out loud. “Fuck, being sober is so much fun
at times.”

“Fuck off,” Bram mouths at him.

“How are you doing?” I venture and he turns back to me
making it clear that Bram or someone has warned him to face me when talking.

“It’s okay,” he says slowly. “To be honest the first few
weeks were bloody hideous but I’m taking it one day at a time. I think it’s the
only way to really do it but I feel better than I have in years.” He looks at
Bram. “I’m out next week.”

Bram looks momentarily uneasy. “Where will you go mate? Do
you want to come to us?” He gestures at me and him and Sid shoots him an almost
startled look and then smiles.

“Bram, thanks for that. You don’t know how much I appreciate
you and Alys offering me a room.” I swallow, not sure if he means to imply that
we’re a couple but he goes on. “I’m going to stay with Charlie for a while. I
can’t go home and he’s corralled Mabe into staying with us too.”

Bram laughs loudly. “Fuck, that bastard has got to be the
most manipulative and creative bloke that I’ve ever met, but he has no
self-examination whatsoever. I’m sure that he’s convinced himself that it’s all
for you and to help her in some way.”

Sid laughs. “He’ll give in eventually but still I think it’s
for the best for me for now.”

I smile at him seeing Bram watching me closely. “Well that’s
got to be a good start anyway I think.” I decide a change of subject is needed.
“Now tell me something really embarrassing about Bram.”

He throws his head back laughing and Bram says ‘
oh fuck
off’
indignantly. Sid strokes his chin meditatively. “How about when he
woke up naked in a lift at the Four Seasons Hotel in New York? Apparently, he’d
been going up and down all night because nobody could wake him up.”