Kev (8 page)

“No,” I said. She sat beside me and ordered a
green tea.

“Wow, it’s been a long time,” said Max to the
girl. “You here to help Kev with his memory problems?”

“Something like that,” she said.

“Wait, you know me?” I looked at her face and
into her eyes, no memory of her present in my mind.

“Of course, I know you, dummy,” she said.

The word dummy struck a chord with me. I had
been called that many times before. “Do I know you?”

“I would think so,” she said, holding up her
hand. On one of her fingers I saw a silver ring with an amethyst. I
had seen that ring before. I had given it to her, but when? Why
couldn’t I remember?

“What’s your name?” I said.

“I don’t think I know you well enough to tell
you that, Kev.”

I remembered her, feeling tears streaming
down my face. How could I have ever forgotten her?

She reached out, wiped the tears from my
cheeks, and then kissed me. “Do you remember that?”

“I remember now. Where have you been? I’ve
missed you. Well, actually, I forgot about you, but I think I did
miss you at some point. I think you understand, right?”

“Of course, I understand. You have time lag,
Kev. You’ve been traveling around in time so much, you’ve lost most
of your memories.”

“I haven’t been traveling in time. I mean, I
just got back from Neta Nexus Nine, but I don’t think I traveled in
time.”

She looked at the blue cube, and her face
changed. “You’re on The Show,” she said.

“Yeah, I just had to overthrow the dictator
on Neta Nexus Nine. I’m dreaming, right?”

“Unfortunately not.”

“Unfortunately?”

“I really hoped you wouldn’t get stuck on The
Show again,” she said.

“What do you mean? This was my first
challenge.”

“No, Kev. This was probably your trillionth,
trillionth challenge. You’re going to have to find a way to get off
The Show or B24ME is going to kill you.”

“Kill me?” I cried. “How do I get off The
Show?”

“I don’t know, but you’ve done it before,
many times, in fact. But, you have never told me how you did
it.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I know, and I wish I could help you, but the
rules are very strict.”

“What rules? The rules for The Show?”

“No. I’m sorry, I can’t help you.”

I downed my whiskey, took a gulp of beer and
said, “What can you tell me?”

“I can tell you I love you. Also, I’m
pregnant.”

“You’re pregnant? Whose child is it?”

“Yours, you moron.”

I didn’t remember ever having sex with the
girl. I could barely remember the last time I had seen her. “That’s
not possible,” I said.

“You need to stop traveling in time, Kev, or
at least figure out how to do it without using the black cube.”

I remembered the black time travel cube.
“But, I don’t have the black cube. I have the plans for it, but I
don’t have it.”

“I know. You lost it. That’s why you’re stuck
in the past right now,” she said.

“The past? You have to explain that.”

“Look, Kev, the present year is three
thousand, three hundred, thirty-seven. You keep coming back to two
thousand, sixteen. I’m not sure why, but you keep doing it. I know
you are looking for something, but I don’t know what. I can’t tell
you any more than that.”

I tried to think things through. If I had
been traveling in time with the black cube, the black cube I did
not at that time have in my possession, then when did I last travel
back in time? From what point in time did I travel back in time?
Where did I leave the black cube? I wondered if it was tucked away
somewhere in my house. Then it struck me. If the present year was
three thousand, three hundred, thirty-seven, then I must be over a
thousand years old. How was that possible?

Many times over the years, I had felt like I
was in a dream, and again I had this feeling. However, part of me
completely rejected the idea that I was in a dream. While I
couldn’t recall anything in detail, I had vague memories that made
at least some of what the girl had said plausible. I said, “So, if
it’s really three thousand, three hundred, thirty-seven, that means
I am over a thousand years old. How is that possible?”

She sighed and placed her hand on my arm.
“You’re much older than that, Kev. You need to remember. You need
to remember everything.”

B24ME cut in with, “So, Turd Fondler, I see
you overthrew the dictator. I have to say, we gave you an easy
challenge, but thought that might be the best way to bring you back
into the game.”

“Shut up,” I said, not wanting anything to do
with B24ME or The Show. The girl disappeared.

“That’s not very nice,” said B24ME. “We have
a new challenge lined up for you. Are you ready?”

“No. I don’t want to be on this show
anymore.”

“Now, you know what happens if you quit,
don’t you?”

“What? I don’t win a prize?”

“No, you die.”

“Bullshit. I’m not playing,” I said.

I appeared in a monstrous, bowl shaped arena,
at least a mile in diameter. All around me I saw trenches with
greenish pools of fluid and littered across the arena I saw large,
gray and black boulders, easily twice my height. I had a gun in my
hand, something that looked like a shotgun, but bulbous and
orange.

“Welcome to the re-enactment of the Battle of
Bwar Nit,” said B24ME joyfully.

“I told you I’m not playing,” I said,
dropping the weapon.

“Come on. This will be great for ratings.
Look, if you win this challenge, I’ll give you a break for a
while,” said B24ME.

“How long a break?”

“I don’t know. I really hope you’ll play.
Killing you will be bad for ratings, and anyway, this is an easy
challenge.”

“What do I have to do?” I said.

“Well, you have to win the battle.”

“Who am I fighting?” I said. I heard shouts
and screams in the background. Was that fighting I heard?

“Everyone,” said B24ME.

I definitely heard the sound of fighting now,
and wondered if I was safe.

“Am I playing right now?” I said.

B24ME didn’t answer.

I heard a whining sound as something flew
within inches of my head. I jumped into a nearby trench and ducked
down, my feet in a puddle of greenish liquid, liquid that started
dissolving my shoes. I jumped out of the puddle, but too late, now
feeling my feet burning, so I dropped down and took off my shoes,
desperately trying to wipe the liquid off my feet, a stupid thing
to do, the acid now burning both my hands and feet. I could see the
flesh on my hands and feet burning away and screamed, only to find
seconds later that I had healed, my hands and feet no longer
covered by that foul stuff.

I saw movement out of the corner of my eye.
To my right I saw a yellow, four-legged alien, a centaur-like
creature with three eyes and two arms that were more like tentacles
than anything else, pointing a gun at me. It pulled the trigger,
the gun exploding in its hands, disintegrating its body. Not good,
I thought, thinking about my discarded weapon, not wanting to pick
it up for fear that it might explode in my hands if I fired it.

Another alien appeared in the same place, gun
aimed at me. It fired, and it too exploded. What was going on with
these guns? I noticed that the pools of green liquid were becoming
larger, encroaching on my space. Not wanting to get burnt again, I
climbed out of the trench and made my way toward the outer wall of
the arena, hoping I wouldn’t encounter more armed aliens. At one
point I got too close to one of the boulders and received an
alarming shock. I made a note to myself to stay away from the
boulders and out of the trenches, but realized that I would have no
cover if I did that.

Three more aliens confronted me, one of which
managed to shoot its weapon without exploding. The shot missed, and
the second shot killed the alien when its gun exploded in its
hands. Not long after, I made it to the outer wall of the arena and
stopped to catch my breath. I didn’t see anyone around me and hoped
I might get through this without further injury.

The sounds of fighting gradually died down
and finally stopped. I looked around, wondering if the battle had
ended, and if, by some stroke of luck, I had won.

“B24ME, did I win?” I said.

“Not yet,” said B24ME.

“How many are left?”

“Now, why would I tell you that?”

“Oh, come on. Just tell me.”

“Fine. There is one other.”

“Where?”

“You don’t want to know.”

I turned around and saw a female looking
humanoid with silver skin and white eyes pointing a gun at me.

“Look what I have here,” she said. “Where’s
your gun?”

“You fire that thing and you’ll die,” I said,
hoping that was true.

“Maybe, maybe not. It hasn’t exploded yet.
So, should I kill you now or have a little fun?”

“Define fun,” I said, looking for somewhere
to run.

“Oh, maybe I could just shoot your legs off.
Not a fun way to go, but it would be entertaining for me.”

Her name was Via Blath and she was the
reigning champion of the re-enactment of the Battle of Bwar Nit. I
didn’t know that at the time, but B24ME later told me. He also told
me that the participants in the battle were all inmates at the Geta
Celsion Penitentiary, a prison for tax evaders.

“What’s your name?” she said.

“Kev.”

“What kind of name is that?”

“My kind of name.”

“Stupid name, really. Were your parents
mentally challenged?”

I was sick of this challenge, sick of being
on The Show, and even more sick of having people make fun on my
name, something I did clearly remember. I lunged forward and
tackled Via, knocking the gun out of her hand. She immediately
threw me off, sending me hurling against one of the boulders, a
boulder that gave me the shock of my life. I scrambled to get up
and run away, but she was on her feet, weapon in hand, before I
could make my escape.

“You’re pretty tough for a tax evader.”

“What? I’m not a tax evader.”

“Well, then what are you?”

I didn’t know what to say, so I said, “I
don’t know. I’m on this show and I have to win this battle.”

“Oh, you’re on The Show. Do you know what
happens if I kill you?”

“No, what?”

“I get to be on The Show.”

“Well, I hope you enjoy it. It will be your
death,” I said.

She pulled the trigger and the gun exploded,
killing her instantly.

“Good work, Turd Fondler,” said B24ME. “Are
you ready for your next challenge?”

“You said I could take a break. I want to go
home.”

“Fine, go home. I’ll give you a couple of
hours,” said B24ME.

I pulled out the blue cube. “Cube, take me
home.”

When I arrived home, I noticed someone had
redecorated my family room. All of the blood and filth had been
wiped away, the carpet replaced, and new furniture put in place. A
beautiful painting of the girl hung on the wall. On my new coffee
table I found a note that read, “Big improvement, right? XOXO.” It
had to have been the girl. Of course it was the girl.

I sat on the couch and turned on the TV,
thinking this would be a perfect time to do absolutely nothing.

“Why aren’t you looking for the girl?” said a
voice. I turned and saw an old man wearing a parka, shorts and
flip-flops. “Where have you been?”

“Um, who are you?” I said.

“You’ve forgotten, haven’t you?”

“Forgotten what?”

“The end of the universe. You have to find
the girl and get me the yellow cube.”

“I haven’t the faintest idea what you are
talking about.”

“Kev, have you been time traveling again?
We’ve been over this about fifty times now, you time-lagged
moron.”

“Who are you?”

“I’m Aputi, you dolt!”

“Oh. Sorry, don’t remember you, but I tend to
forget things. So, what is all this about the end of the
universe?”

“If you don’t get me the yellow cube, the
universe will end. You have to find the girl.”

“What girl?”

“The girl with the yellow cube.”

“Oh. What’s her name?”

“Now, if I knew that I would find her myself.
Only you can find her.”

“Well, how am I supposed to find her if I
don’t know who she is?” I cried, annoyed as could be. But then, I
remembered. The girl, my girl, had the yellow cube, and under no
circumstances whatsoever was I to give Aputi the yellow cube.
However, my memories of Aputi were vague at best. What exactly
would he do if he had the yellow cube? It had to be something
bad.

“Look, just find the girl and get me the
cube.”

“And if I say no?” I said.

“Then you die.”

That didn’t sit well with me at all. “What?
You’re going to kill me?”

“Yes.”

“I’m going to the police,” I said.

“It won’t do a bit of good. Anyway, if you
don’t cooperate, I won’t honor our deal.”

“What deal?”

“I agreed not to kill any more people until
you get me the cube.”

Aputi disappeared.

I vaguely remembered Barry telling me that
something like six hundred thousand people had exploded recently,
and wondered if this had something to do with Aputi. If it did,
then hadn’t he already broken whatever agreement we had?

Flustered and a little frightened, I went
back into my workroom to check my messages on the communication
device, hoping that would help me take my mind off things.

Scanning my messages, I found one from the
girl, “Meet me at the Lost Hope Hotel on Riddent.”

I pulled out the blue cube and said, “Cube,
take me to the Lost Hope Hotel on Riddent,” and appeared on a
balcony overlooking a mile high drop into a vast sea. To my right I
saw two aliens, both purple and four-legged, with yellow eyes, arms
with pincers, and mandibles protruding from their egg-shaped
heads.