Kev (9 page)

“Well, we’re never going to make our numbers
for the quarter, Blurp,” said one.

“I know. What is the point in living if we
can’t make our numbers?” said the other.

The two aliens jumped off the balcony. “What
the hell?” I shouted, as I watched them disappear in the
distance.

“It happens,” said the girl, now standing
beside me.

“They just killed themselves.”

“This is a popular spot for suicides.
Weddings too. You and I were married here,” said the girl.

“We were?”

“Yeah, beautiful ceremony. All our friends
were here. Of course, three of them killed themselves, but let’s
not dwell on that.”

“Aputi was at my house. By the way, thanks
for redecorating.”

“Anything for you.”

“Anything? Then, maybe you can tell me what
the hell is going on.”

The girl laughed and kissed me. “Rules are
rules. So, do you want to make love?”

“Right here?”

“No, dummy. In our suite.”

“Oh, right. Okay.”

Some time later, lying in bed, my arm wrapped
around her, I said, “Have I mentioned Aputi before?”

“He wants the yellow cube.”

“Yeah. He says he is going to kill everyone
on Earth if I don’t get the yellow cube for him. I think so,
anyway. You have it, right? He says he is going to kill me too if I
don’t get it for him.”

“I doubt he’ll kill you, but I’m sure he’ll
kill everyone else.”

“Really? How do I stop him?”

“Well, he is a Bladrithian, so he is hard to
kill, but if you went back in time far enough and found him, you
might be able to kill him.”

“Kill? I don’t want to kill anyone. There has
to be some other way to stop him.”

“You could ask him nicely.”

“Not helpful. You know, Barry at the bar said
something about Canadians killing thousands of people in the same
way Clive was killed. I think Aputi had something to do with
that.”

“Duh, Kev. Aputi is the mastermind. He’s
already killed six hundred thousand people. I’d be willing to bet
he is killing the rest as we speak.”

I stared at the ceiling, trying to wrap my
mind around things, but found my thoughts too jumbled to organize.
I felt hopeless and small. I turned to say something to the girl,
but she had disappeared. I wanted to scream.

“Well, hello, Turd Fondler,” said B24ME. “Was
the break long enough for you?”

Ignoring B24ME, I got up and put on my
clothes, then left the room and went down to the hotel lobby. I
found the hotel bar and went inside, had a seat and ordered a green
tea for reasons unknown, having no memories of the odd
characteristics of green tea.

“We have an excellent challenge lined up for
you,” said B24ME.

I didn’t respond.

“Do you want to know what it is?”

“No.”

“Oh, okay, a surprise then.”

I appeared in a large, hot, and extremely dry
warehouse. In front of me, I saw a table, and on the table an array
of weapons, including a machine gun, a throwing star, a sword, and
something that looked vaguely like a squirt gun. I saw a red dragon
appear on the other side of the warehouse. It had to be at least
fifty feet long. It wasn’t moving.

“So, Turd Fondler, the name of this game is,
‘is it real or is it not?’”

“Wonderful. How do I win?”

“All you have to do is get one answer right
and you move on to the next challenge. Are you ready?”

I eyed the dragon, reasonably certain I would
have to determine if it was real or not. What would happen if I
made a wrong answer? “What if I’m wrong?” I said.

“We’ll surprise you. So, in front of you is
an Urethan Wyrm. Over fifty feet long, this fire-breathing
monstrosity has been responsible for countless deaths on countless
worlds. Tell me, is it real?”

I paused. The dragon looked like something
out of a storybook, although its wings seemed far too small for its
body. “Can it fly?”

“Indeed it can,” said B24ME.

“Using what? Magic? Those wings aren’t big
enough.”

“Is it real or not?”

I figured B24ME had a way of reading my
memories and had pulled this thing from there, so I said, “Not
real.”

“Wrong answer, I’m afraid.”

The dragon started moving, turning its head
to look at me. It took a step forward then started flapping its
wings, bringing itself into the air, a long gush of flame erupting
from its mouth. With alarming speed the dragon bore down on me,
shooting more flames from its mouth. I grabbed the machine gun off
the table and fired wildly at the beast, to no effect. The dragon
roared, now much closer to me, and inhaled deeply.

I remembered the blue cube, pulled it out and
said, “Cube, take me home.” Nothing happened and the dragon
breathed out, engulfing my body in flames. I screamed, my clothes
and flesh burning off, and fell to the ground. Moments later, I
healed. I got up, now naked, and looked at the dragon.

“I’ve never seen that happen before,” said
the dragon. It breathed in again.

I looked at the remaining weapons, now
focused on the squirt gun. Water. Fire. I grabbed the gun and fired
just as another burst of flame erupted from the dragon. The second
the water touched the dragon, it disintegrated.

In front of me, a floating yellow sphere
about the size of a volleyball appeared.

“This is the Proth Sphere,” said B24ME. “If
you connect to it, it will make all of your dreams and nightmares
come true. Is it real or is it fake?”

“So, wait. If I guess it isn’t real and it is
real will all my dreams and nightmares come true? What will happen
if I get the answer right?”

“Is it real or is it fake?”

I took an inventory of all of the dreams and
nightmares I could remember, remembering few dreams, but many
nightmares. The worst nightmare was one in which a giant nozzle
sucked up the entire universe. How on Earth could this sphere make
that nightmare come true? What if it could? I figured it was safest
to say it was real so I would have some chance of escaping from
experiencing all of my horrible nightmares, thinking if it weren’t
real it would not be able to make that happen. “It’s real,” I
said.

“Sorry, Turd Fondler, it is not real. Do you
really think there is something that can end the universe based on
your nightmares?”

“Well, I don’t know. Maybe. So, what happens
now?”

“I just got word from our producer. We are
going to simulate what it would be like if the Proth Sphere were
real. Of course, only you will get to experience that.”

Without warning, I felt something connect to
my mind, and then for what seemed like an eternity, I relived every
nightmare I had ever had, this simulation so real that I thought it
was really happening. The only good thing I experienced was a long,
happy life with the girl, but of course it was just a simulation.
Oddly enough, I didn’t experience my nightmare about the end of the
universe. The horrors ended and I collapsed, breathless and
terrified. Once I recovered and picked myself up, I said, “What’s
next?”

A little red cube appeared, floating in front
of me, unmarked in any way. I had seen that cube before. What was
it? Where had I seen it?

“What is it?” I said.

“We don’t know.”

“Then how do you know if it is real or
not?”

“Trust me, we know.”

I had nothing to go on other than my memory
of seeing it before so I said, “It’s real.”

“Right you are, Turd Fondler. Now take it.
It’s yours.”

“What if I don’t want it?” I said, thinking
it possible that this thing would do something awful if I took
it.

“Take it, or you lose the game.”

“If I lose the game will I have to go through
any more challenges?”

“If you lose the game we will kill you.”

I grabbed the red cube out of the air. “Can I
go home now? I’m getting really sick of this.”

“Folks,” said B24ME. “We’re going to take a
commercial break.”

I picked the blue cube up off the ground and
said, “Cube, take me home.”

Back home, I put on some clothes and then
headed out to get a much needed drink. As I approached the bar I
noticed something on the ground. I drew closer, now able to see
that this was human remains. Well, mostly it was just a skeleton
with bits of flesh hanging off of it. Surrounding the skeleton I
saw flesh splattered everywhere. Thoughts of Clive ran through my
head.

I raced into the bar to get help, but was
horrified to see the remains of at least twelve people on the
floor, the entire bar covered with bits of flesh and effluent. On
the television above the bar I saw what looked like a newsroom with
the remains of some unfortunate soul sitting behind a news desk.
Aputi had killed everyone. I let that sink in.

“Welcome back, folks. We’re here with Turd
Fondler. He has just discovered that Aputi wiped out the human
race. Well, he might have saved three million, but who knows?” said
B24ME.

“Not right now,” I said, trying to keep
myself calm, but doing a lousy job of it, my breathing ragged, my
body shaking.

“Oh, come on, Turd Fondler. There isn’t much
you can do about it now. Let’s move on to the next challenge, shall
we? We’ll take you somewhere nice and help you take your mind off
of things. In fact, we are going to send you to beautiful Gamma
War, a wonderful tropical paradise orbiting a rather nasty black
hole.”

I appeared on a beach on Gamma War. Looking
out, across the ocean, I saw a nearby star hovering over the
horizon and two moons up above. Around me on the beach I saw many
diverse aliens, all of them naked. Off the beach I saw a building
with a sign that read, “Tourist Information.”

“Okay, B24ME, I’m here. What’s the
challenge?”

“Sorry, Turd Fondler. We seem to be having
technical difficulties. We’ll be right back.”

A pale blue alien with orange eyes and a
cigarette dangling from its lipless mouth approached me and said,
“Sir, this is a nude only resort. You are going to have to
disrobe.” Had I seen this alien before?

Not knowing what else to do, I removed my
clothes. The alien, now satisfied, left me standing naked on the
beach. I sat down on the beach and cried.

Maybe and hour later, I looked up, noticing
the sun, still hovering over the horizon. How was that possible? It
hadn’t moved at all. Maybe this planet didn’t rotate. But, if it
didn’t, wouldn’t that wreak havoc on the environment? I had no
clue.

I got up, grabbed my clothes and pulled the
blue cube out of my pocket. “Cube, take me home,” I said. Nothing
happened.

The only building I could see was the tourist
information building, so I went there, hoping they could direct me
to a bar.

The inside of the building contained a desk,
a chair and a squid like alien sitting on the chair. “Can I help
you?” it said.

“Where’s the nearest bar?”

“Singularity Bar on Ceretus Isle. Step to the
side and close your eyes, or not. What does it matter? We’re all
going to die anyway.”

I stepped to the side and closed my eyes, not
wanting to get into a philosophical discussion with a squid. I
heard a popping sound and then the sound of many voices. Opening my
eyes, I saw a crowd of aliens all sitting around a large bar. One
of the aliens, a tall orange creature with four arms and a
triangular head, approached me.

“Why didn’t you stick around on Neta Nexus
Nine?” said the alien. “The whole planet has fallen into
chaos.”

“What are you talking about?”

“They don’t have a dictator now, so nobody is
doing a damned thing. They’re all going to die.”

I did remember Neta Nexus Nine and
overthrowing the dictator, and in that instant felt a twinge of
guilt. I had never thought what might happen if I overthrew the
dictator and then left.

“I didn’t know,” I said.

“What’s your name?”

“Kev.”

“What kind of name is that? Were your
parent’s mentally challenged?”

“No. What’s your name?” I said, annoyed.

“Bok Choy.”

“You know, on my planet that is a type of
food,” I said, still a little irritated.

“Yeah, well, on my planet, I am a type of
food, but let’s not dwell on that. So, are you going to go back to
Neta Nexus Nine and fix things?”

“What could I possibly fix? I have no clue
how to rule a planet. They need to find someone else. Look, I
really need a drink.”

“I can tell. Here, let me get you something,”
said Bok Choy.

Bok Choy went up to the bar, and soon
returned with a glass of greenish liquid, handing it to me.

“I have a question,” I said. “How come I can
understand what you’re saying and what everyone else is saying? On
Neta Nexus Nine I could read all the signs and understand every
word spoken.”

“Oh, well, most civilized places have
translation fields. Much easier than learning new languages,” said
Bok Choy.

“Oh, why doesn’t Earth have that?” I
said.

“Earth isn’t terribly civilized, now is it?”
said Bok Choy.

I took a sip of my drink and heard children
laughing and playing, realizing in that instant that I was drinking
green tea. A female voice cut in, “Hello, Kev. Welcome to
The
Diving into a Black Hole Experience.
You are going to
experience the thrill of being consumed by the giant black hole
that lurks nearby. This is a fully interactive experience, although
there isn’t much you can do other than scream and flap your arms
about. Of course, there will be nobody to hear your screams, and
all the arm flapping is rather pointless.”

“Can I have a different experience?” I
said.

“Absolutely not,” said the voice, as I
launched into space and circled around the backside of the planet,
heading toward a black spot in space, around which I could see the
distorted light of stars.

I wondered how I could breathe in the vacuum
of space, but thought it best not to ask, lest my guide turn off
the field or whatever it was that protected me and kept me from
freezing and suffocating.