Kev (13 page)

“Calm down, Kev. Aputi didn’t kill off
humanity. Tell you what. Why don’t we go to your house in Vermont
and I’ll show you.”

“In the present or in the past?” I said.

“We can go to the present and you will see
that everything is just fine.”

The girl and I appeared in my old house in
Vermont. Nothing had changed although the place did smell a bit
musty.

“What year is this?” I said.

“Three thousand, three hundred,
thirty-seven.”

“My house has stayed the same for over a
thousand years? It’s still mine?”

“Yes, dear, but if we go outside you will see
some things have changed.”

The girl led me out of the house and I was
more than a little surprised to find a metropolis surrounding my
ancient house. Tall skyscrapers, airborne cars, and people wearing
clothes that looked like something from a science fiction movie. My
home did not belong in this alien place, but there it was,
untouched by time.

“Why didn’t anybody tear my house down? Did
they try?”

“No, Kev, and nobody will. This is your home.
Well, it’s your other home.”

“It’s made of wood. How on Earth did it
survive?”

“Well, you’re pretty handy, Mister Pryce.
You’ve rebuilt it many times. It’s kind of cute that you have kept
it the same all these years.”

“I guess I’m sentimental. Anyway, you can’t
let Aputi know you have that cube. I’m sure he’ll try to steal it
and then who knows what will happen?”

“Don’t worry, Kev. I won’t let him know.”

I looked around and noticed another building
that looked out of place. It was the old bar, Max’s place.

“Is that what I think it is?” I said.

“Yes, Kev.”

I grabbed the girl by the hand and led her
down the street to the bar. The inside was just as I remembered it
and I was more than a little surprised to see Max tending bar. I
stopped. That couldn’t be Max.

“Kev,” called out Max, a broad grin on his
bearded face.

I felt wobbly and had to grab the bar to stay
standing. Max laughed and said, “How much does he remember?”

“Not that much, Max,” said the girl.

“How are you alive?” I said to Max.

“You should know,” said Max.

“Well, I don’t. Can you fill me in?”

“Against the rules, I’m afraid.”

I looked at the girl and back at Max and
said, “You know, I’m getting pretty sick of this whole against the
rules thing. Would somebody please tell me what the hell is going
on?”

“Kev, sit down and have a green tea. Maybe
that will clear things up a bit,” said Max.

The girl and I sat at the bar and Max
delivered two green teas.

“You know, Kev, one day you’re going to thank
us for not telling you,” said Max.

“Yeah, well, I’m not feeling all that
thankful right now,” I muttered.

“Drink up,” said the girl.

I took a sip of green tea and heard children
laughing and playing. I vaguely recalled someone telling me that I
had invented green tea, but quickly dismissed the thought.

“Hello, Kev,” said a voice. “Welcome to
The Canadians Are After You Experience.
”

“What?” I said.

“Just listen,” said the voice. “You’ve really
pissed off the Canadians, Kev. They don’t appreciate you saving the
universe, and they are going to come after you. In fact, they’re
looking for you right now, so you better figure out what you are
going to do.”

I found myself standing on the porch of an
old, red cottage on a lake. The porch wrapped around the sides of
the cottage. I scanned the area seeing no other cottages and no
people. I then noticed I was holding my journal, and then heard
footsteps approaching from either side.

Hands grabbed me and someone said, “You’re
going to regret messing with Canada.” I felt something smash
against my head and blacked out.

I opened my eyes and saw Max and the girl
looking at me. “I think the Canadians are after me.”

“Right you are,” said Max.

“Canada is about five miles away,” I
said.

“We’re in Canada, Kev,” said the girl, now
smiling. In this universe, Canada had annexed the northernmost
parts of the United States in 2937.

“We have to get out of here,” I cried, now
fully convinced I was in grave danger.

“Relax, Kev. They don’t know you’re here, and
this is the last place they would look for you,” said Max.

“Whatever,” I said. “Let’s go back to Uthio
Minor.”

It was true, you know. The Canadians did want
to get their hands on me, or rather, wanted to kill me. According
to Max, I had saved the universe from destruction many times. The
Canadians wanted the universe to end forever, the nihilists, and
for whatever reason, knew that I had been the one to save the
universe.

Each time I had saved the universe, except
for the time I made a wish that made it so the universe had never
existed and then brought the sphere back so that Bri and the sphere
could recreate the universe, it had been to save it from an attempt
on the part of the Canadians to end it. How I saved the universe
and how the Canadians tried to end it remained a mystery to me, and
I asked nothing about it, figuring I was lucky the girl and Max
told me what they did, and thinking it unlikely that they would
tell me more.

We stayed and talked for a while, then
returned to my house. There I noticed a little blue cube on the
coffee table. In that moment I had forgotten what the girl had told
me about the blue cube, and for whatever reason, had forgotten
about The Show. As I reached down to pick up the cube, the girl
shouted, “No!” But, it was too late. I had it in hand.

“What?” I said.

I blinked and then found myself standing at
the top of a super massive skyscraper, winds howling around me. I
could see a sprawling city all around, stretching to the horizon in
every direction.

“Welcome to the Idian Spire,” said B24ME
joyously.

I looked around for the source of the voice,
but saw nobody. “Who is this?” I said.

B24ME laughed, “I thought you would forget,
Turd Fondler.”

“Forget what?” Where was the girl? How did I
get here? Who was talking to me?

“Don’t you remember me?” said B24ME.

“I don’t know. Your voice is familiar. Who
are you?”

“I’m B24ME, host of The Show. Don’t you
remember?”

“Oh no,” I said, remembering enough to know
that I was now at the mercy of B24ME and my life was in danger.

“So, are you ready for your next
challenge?”

“What is it?”

“You have to learn how to fly, or you will
surely die,” chortled B24ME.

A strong gust of wind blew me off the
building and I found myself plummeting to the ground. I screamed,
flapping my arms madly. I prayed and begged B24ME to save me, but
B24ME just laughed and said, “Learn to fly, or you die.”

The ground swiftly approaching, I wet myself,
screaming even louder. Maybe a couple hundred feet off the ground I
screamed, “I wish I could fly,” and stopped falling.

“Neat trick,” growled B24ME. “You want to
explain how you did that?”

I didn’t know how I did that. I didn’t
remember wishing I could fly. If I had remembered I would have
immediately wished that I wasn’t on The Show. I also didn’t
remember having the red cube and the black cube in my pocket. Had I
remembered the red cube, I might have made another wish, but in my
confused state, I recalled nothing useful.

“I see you don’t know the answer to my
question,” said B24ME, a hint of joy in his voice. “So, are you
ready for your next challenge?”

“Absolutely not,” I said.

“Oh, come on. The fun is just beginning.”

I felt the blue cube in my hand and looked at
it, remembering something. “Cube, take me to Uthio Minor.”

Nothing happened.

“Not so fast, Turd Fondler.”

“Why do you keep calling me Turd
Fondler?”

“That’s your name, isn’t it?”

“No. My name is Kev.”

“Stupid name. Turd Fondler is much better,
don’t you think?”

“Whatever. Let me go home,” I said.

“No.”

The Black Cube

“So, I have to escape ants?” I said, still hovering
in the air.

“Excretorian ants, Turd Fondler,” said
B24ME.

“How many?” I said.

“About three billion of them.”

“Well, how am I going to do that?”

“I don’t know, but I think you might just
figure it out. Anyway, all you have to do is escape. However, you
have to set foot on their planet.”

“What aren’t you telling me?”

“Excretorian ants can control your mind,”
said B24ME.

“What?” I figured I had about a second from
the time I set foot on Excretor to tell the blue cube to take me
home. Something told me I might not get the chance.

I appeared on Excretor, surrounded by ants
the size of busses. “Cube,” I said, but could get no more out, my
actions now controlled by the ants. Within seconds, I had been torn
in half by one of those monsters.

I saw a flash of light and again found myself
standing in a crowd of giant ants, only to be torn in half
again.

I don’t know how many times I died. It had to
be thousands of times. I lost track of who I was, what I was doing
there, forgetting almost everything. However, I remembered the blue
cube, and found I was able to say, “Cube, take me home,” right as I
saw the flash of light.

I appeared in my house in Vermont, my clothes
shredded, blood all over what remained of them.

“That’s a neat trick, Turd Fondler,” said
B24ME. “Care to let me in on your secret?”

I didn’t remember the ants or being killed
countless times. I didn’t remember B24ME or The Show. I didn’t
remember the girl, Clive, Aputi, Soph, the three Kev’s, Ruby, or
anyone else.

“What are you talking about?” I said, looking
around for the source of the voice.

“Can you die, Turd Fondler?” said B24ME,
playfully.

“What the hell are you talking about? Where
am I?”

“You’re in your home in Vermont, Turd
Fondler. The year is three thousand, three hundred, thirty-seven,
and you are on The Show. You have just won a challenge and we are
moving on to the next. Are you ready?”

“No, wait. What do you mean? I don’t
understand.”

I noticed the blue cube in my hand and
remembered a warning. Never touch the blue cube. I dropped the cube
on the ground, and not knowing what else to do, I stomped on it
with my foot. I heard circuits frying and the sound of hissing gas,
and then started choking and fell to the ground. Before I passed
out, I heard B24ME cry, “You’re going to regret this, you
bastard.”

I woke up on the floor in my family room, an
unfamiliar environment at that moment. I looked at myself, my
clothes tattered, and wondered what had happened. Rising to my
feet, I checked for injury but found none. As I patted down my
right leg, I felt something in my pocket. I reached in and pulled
out two cubes, red and black. The black one had a small, blue
button and some sort of digital display that read 3337. I pressed
the button once and let go. Nothing happened. I tried again, this
time holding the button down briefly. The number decremented by
one, but nothing else appeared to happen. I pressed the button
twice and held it for a moment. The number incremented by one.

I didn’t know what the black cube was, but I
felt a strong urge to experiment with it, so I pressed the button
three times, now finding myself standing by a river in a small
city, Peoria, Illinois, two thousand, sixteen.

I pressed the button four times and felt a
little dizzy, but otherwise okay. What would five times do? Was I
supposed to press the button five times? I pressed it five times,
and in a billionth of a billion of a billionth of a second, all of
the memories and knowledge of all of the infinite beings that had
ever existed in all of the infinite universes passed into me. I
blacked out.

Thirty-seven days later, I woke in a hospital
bed, more than a little concerned for my well-being. I knew
everything, or at least everything that all of the infinite beings
that ever existed in all of the infinite universes knew up until
the point I had pressed the button five times, or at least so I
thought in that moment. I also knew I did not have all of my own
memories back, although all of the other memories I had gave me
some understanding of my past.

I knew that having this knowledge put me and
everything else in the universe in terrible danger. However, I did
not know the source of the danger.

A nurse walked in the room and smiled at me.
“Good morning, Mister Pryce. How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine, Nara. Is my wife here?”

“She’s right outside. How are you
feeling?”

“Enlightened. Will you get my wife?”

The nurse left and the girl walked into the
room. She had a strange look on her face, as well she should have,
under the circumstances.

“Why is it that I have the memories and
knowledge of pretty much every being that ever existed in any of
the infinite universes that ever existed, and I have no memories or
knowledge from you or Clive?” I said, realizing I also lacked the
knowledge of Bri, the Proth Sphere and Jesus. Jesus? I realized I
knew Jesus and had memories of others who had seen Jesus and I
together at various points in time, although no memories of
anything that we had said to each other.

“You pressed the button five times,” said the
girl.

“Yes. Are you going to answer my question?
And don’t give me any of this crap about the rules.”

“I can’t tell you, Kev. You have to figure it
out on your own.”

“Why am I in danger? I mean, I know the
Canadians are after me, and that they are probably on their way
here, but there is something else. Someone else is after me.
Who?”

“That I don’t know for sure, but it’s not
me,” she said.