Kisses to Remember (36 page)

Holden didn’t say anything. He merely extended his hand and shook Ted’s. With a final glance at Johanna sitting alone in the waiting room, he turned and went to the rental car he’d driven to the hospital. Miles barked as soon as Holden came into view. Letting the dog out, Holden crossed the street without looking both ways and almost got flattened by a pickup truck. The furious beeping of the driver never reached his ears. He entered the hotel, requested a room, and climbed the stairs to the third floor with Miles walking along beside him.

After pushing the keycard into the door lock, Holden sat on the end of the king-sized bed in the room. Everything was neat and tidy. So unlike his life right now. He was a garbage bag full of shit. He flopped back onto the hotel bed and stared at the ceiling tiles above him. Miles climbed onto the bed and rested his head on Holden’s stomach.

Rubbing the dog’s head, Holden remembered being happy just a few days ago. Happy with Johanna and Kam. How could one woman like Sabrina manage to take all that away? He had never intended to kill anyone, but picturing Kam in surgery made the remorse vanish. Hopefully, wherever Vaughn was now, he agreed with Holden’s use of his Epi-pen. Vindication.

Rolling to his side and taking a corner of the bedspread with him, Holden curled up with Miles by his side and closed his eyes. God, his neck and throat hurt. He’d just rest for a few and wait for Ted to call. He willed the news to be good. Kam was a fantastic kid and fantastic kids didn’t die. They just didn’t.

And you don’t let fantastic women slip through your fingers either.
But he had no choice. Johanna no longer wanted him and with good reason. He’d endangered those precious to her. He’d risked her life.

He had to let her go.

****

The waiting room clock ticked loudly. Johanna was tired of watching the second hand make its laborious journey past each little mark. She hated how she kept glancing to the door at the far end of the room—the door that would sooner or later reveal a doctor with news. News about her only child. Her only true family. Why was she always on the other side of doors? Doors at the prison, doors at the hospital, doors that separated her from happiness.

“You want something to drink?” Ted nudged her with his elbow. Since coming back from walking Holden out, he’d repositioned another chair across from him to elevate his casted leg. He’d paged through every magazine on the small table beside him. He’d periodically given Johanna consoling squeezes, but she could tell the walls were closing in on him. 

“Sure.” One word was all she could manage and even that had taken a colossal effort.

With a pat on her knee, Ted rose to his crutches and click-clacked out of the waiting room. A woman grabbed his arm before he could turn toward the cafeteria. Nurse Nancy. She glanced at Johanna and sent a solemn smile. Ted conversed with her briefly, then Nancy headed for the waiting room while Ted ambled down the corridor.

Nancy sat beside Johanna. “Ted told me about Kam. I’ll see what I can find out, dear.”

“Thanks.” Again, longer sentences were an impossibility. Johanna was hollow inside. Nothing more than flesh covering bones. She was vaguely aware of Nancy leaving the waiting room.
What was taking so long? How much work was it to sew up a gaping hole in a child’s shoulder? Were there complications? Had Kam lost too much blood? Was he already…

Johanna hugged herself to stop the shaking, but it was no use. Her body trembled as if she had been sitting in a freezer for hours. Goosebumps raised the skin on her thighs, and she ran her hands over them.
So cold.
She remembered feeling like this when Kallie had been killed. This incredible ice had hardened in her veins. Glaciers had settled in her stomach. A constant chill slithered along her spine.

Does this mean Kam is gone too?

She shot to her feet and paced the length of the waiting room, willing the blood to flow, to heat her body, to make the doctor or Nurse Nancy appear with some tidbit of information. She felt as if she were going crazy. Unraveling. Thread by thread. She shook her hands out, trying to slough off the numbness. Her breaths were coming in quick inhales that never got fully exhaled. Spots danced before her eyes. Her ears roared.

“Johanna!”

Why is Ted in a tin can?
Why is it getting so dark in the room? Who’s pressing on my chest?

The tiled floor raced up at her.
Smack.

“Shit!” Ted’s casted foot filled her blurry vision. “Nancy! Come help me!”

Another set of feet came into view. Then some knees. Then the ceiling.
Holy Hell, those lights are bright.

“She’s awake,” Nancy said. “Panic attack. Let’s get her to a bed.”

“No.” Johanna sat up slowly with Nancy’s help. “I need to wait here. I need to be here.”

“She’s so pale,” Ted said.

“I’m always pale, Ted.” Johanna rubbed her eyes, trying to dispel the fog.

“True, but you don’t usually drop to the floor like that, sweetheart.”

“Get me into a seat,” she said to Nancy.

Nancy nodded and guided Johanna to her feet. Moving slowly, the nurse had a delicate touch as she escorted Johanna to a chair and helped her lower into it.

“Drink this.” Ted handed her a bottle of water, which he’d already uncapped.

Johanna took the bottle, but her hands shook so much she spilled a few plops onto her lap. Nancy pried the water out of Johanna’s grip and put the bottle on a nearby table.

“Honey, you have to breathe with me, okay? In and out. In and out.” Nancy exaggerated her inhales and exhales and took Johanna’s hands in hers. “Come on. You can do it.”

Johanna followed Nancy’s instructions, taking a deep breath in and letting it out slowly. Nancy released Johanna’s hands and pressed her fingers to Johanna’s temples, gently massaging in a circular motion. Gradually, Johanna’s heart settled in her chest. The shaking subsided. Her vision cleared.

“I want some of that,” Ted said.

Nancy chuckled. “I’ll take care of you later.” She winked, and Ted gave her a big smile though his eyes still held oceans of worry.

“I’m okay.” Johanna patted Ted’s arm. “I just…I don’t know…I just…”

“Panicked,” Nancy said. “It happens, honey.” She held up the water bottle. “Think you’re ready for this now?”

Johanna nodded and took the bottle again. She gulped it until it was only a third full.

“There we go.” Nancy set the bottle back on the table. “Now, I’m told Kam’s still in surgery, but they’re about to wrap up. We should be hearing from the doctor any time now.”

Johanna slumped back in her chair. News. She’d have news soon. She puffed out a breath of air and gathered her hair into a loose ponytail. She didn’t want the doctor to appear and find she’d come completely unglued. She had to get it together. For Kam. Always for Kam.

“Thank you, Nancy.”

“No problem.” Nancy swiveled her head around the waiting room. “Where’s that handsome fellow of yours?” She offered Johanna a devilish smile.

“He had to step out,” Ted answered. “Why don’t we step out for a minute and let Johanna finish collecting herself?”

“I don’t think we should leave her alone, Ted.” Nancy frowned.

“I’ll be fine. Go ahead.” Johanna motioned to the door.

Reluctantly, Nancy followed Ted. Johanna caught some of their conversation.

…blames herself…

He blames himself…

…both idiots…

…hope for the best…

Johanna leaned her head back and closed her eyes.
Hope for the best. What a stupid saying.
How could she hope for the best when the best meant Kam hadn’t gotten shot? He had. There’d be no pretending he hadn’t. She also couldn’t fantasize that she could be with Holden. That she could enjoy happiness with a man. That she could spend the rest of her days loving him and being loved.

The best
simply wasn’t something she could have. She’d go back to her “good enough” life.

Twenty minutes later, the doctor came out. Ted and Nancy sat on either side of Johanna and each of them grabbed one of her hands. Nancy pushed to the end of her seat. Ted hefted his leg off the chair in front of him. Johanna couldn’t move a stinking muscle. She was paralyzed as the doctor walked toward her.

Breathe in and out. In and out.
She didn’t want to lose it again.

“Mrs. Ware,” the doctor began.

Johanna wanted a remote control. Something to turn up the volume on the doctor and lower the buzzing in her ears.

“Yes?” Just a whisper.

“Kam is going to be fine.”

Ted and Nancy sighed along with Johanna.

The doctor smiled. “That little guy’s a fighter. He lost a great deal of blood and was very weak going into surgery, but fortunately, the bullet passed right through and didn’t hit anything vital. He’ll need physical therapy and may not regain total range of motion in his shoulder, but considering the other possible outcomes, I’d say he got lucky.”

“Can we see him?” Ted asked.

“Yes. He’s asleep right now, but I know you’ve been waiting.” Looking at Nancy, the doctor said, “He’s in Room 508. Do you want to take them down?”

“Sure do.” Nancy popped up from her seat. “This way.”

Johanna got up, but Ted stayed put. “I’ll be along in a minute,” he said.

“Tell him not to come.” Johanna stared at Ted.

“Tell who?” Ted blinked quickly, a clear sign he knew exactly who.

“I know you’re going to call Holden. I heard him say he wanted to know how Kam was. You can tell him, but I don’t want him here.”

“Johanna—”

“I mean it, Ted. Please.” Johanna tugged on her T-shirt. She was a big mess of frazzled nerves. Seeing Holden would only make the mess bigger. Huge, in fact. They needed to make a clean break of it. 

Ted nodded and Johanna followed Nancy to the elevators. She wouldn’t believe her baby was all right until she saw him, touched him, kissed him. The last she’d seen of him he was covered in blood, brows creased in pain, telling her not to cry as they wheeled him into surgery.

When the elevator doors opened, Nancy led Johanna to room 508. The room was dark with only a light on by the bedside. Kam’s body was a small lump on the soft whiteness of the bed. A few machines clicked and hissed as Johanna approached.

“I’ll give you some time alone with him,” Nancy said, still standing by the door.

Johanna wanted to say thanks, but she couldn’t tear her eyes off her son. The sheet was pulled up to his waist. His shoulder was heavily bandaged and his left arm was in a sling-like contraption that bound it to his torso. Wires traveled from his chest and right arm to the machines, and Johanna squeezed her eyes shut.

Her baby was going to live. That was all that mattered.

Kam’s dark hair was a wild mess, and Johanna gently smoothed it back. A small sound escaped from Kam’s slightly open mouth. His legs shifted under the sheet, and he turned his head toward Johanna. When his black-brown eyes opened, his lids heavy, Johanna finally breathed.

“Hey, baby.” She leaned forward and kissed his forehead.

“Mom.” The right side of his mouth turned up as he flipped his uninjured arm over and opened his hand to Johanna.

Instantly taking it, Johanna pressed his hand between both of hers as she kneeled beside the bed. She put her head down, resting it on the bend in Kam’s elbow, and sobbed. Tears plip-plopped on the sheet, on Kam’s arm. She knew it was foolish. The doctor had said Kam was going to be fine, but seeing him, touching him opened a floodgate she couldn’t close.

Kam slid his arm free and ran his hand over the back of Johanna’s head in a soothing gesture. “It’s okay, Mom. I’m okay.”

“I know.” Johanna sniffed as she raised her head. “I’m so glad, honey. So glad.”

Kam blinked slowly, looking as if he might fall asleep again. He yawned and asked, “Where’s Pep?”

“He’ll be along in a few minutes.” Johanna sat on the edge of the bed, careful not to jostle Kam. “Does it hurt?”

Kam shook his head. “I don’t really feel anything right now. It’s like my body belongs to someone else.”

“That’s the medicine probably.” Johanna cupped Kam’s face. “You’ll feel more like yourself in a few days.”

“Mmmm.” Kam closed his eyes again.

Johanna watched him, overjoyed he was here with her. She traced a finger along his cheek and couldn’t wait to take him home. Take him home and figure out the rest of their lives. She let out a sigh, and Kam opened his eyes.

“Where’s Holden?” he asked.

“You don’t have to worry about him, Kam.”

“What do you mean?” His brows lowered, then his eyes widened. “Is he okay? Did that lady hurt him?”

“No, no. Nothing like that. He just…” Johanna cleared her throat. “He won’t be around anymore. I’ll keep us safe.”

“Holden kept us safe too,” Kam said. “He came back from Texas for us, right?”

“Yes, but…”

“He didn’t hurt us. He made us happy, Mom.” Kam grabbed her wrist with a strength he shouldn’t have had considering what he’d been through. “That lady is the bad guy. Not Holden.”