Knight in Shining Suit (48 page)

“
I love you,” she
whispered to me.

I took a deep breath and
took in her sweet familiar scent.
I love
you too.
I wanted to say, but I when I
opened my mouth, no words came out.

Then I saw tears in her
eyes. Her soul was visible in them. She was sad. And I felt an
unfamiliar feeling inside me like I wanted to comfort her and make
everything right again, so she could smile that sweetest smile for
me again. I felt like I wanted to kill anybody who would put tears
to her eyes. She doesn’t deserve to cry. She was too beautiful to
be miserable. I felt like I would do anything to make her
happy.

“
Come back to me, Ryder.”
I heard her whisper. And I felt my heart shatter at that very
instant. I wanted to tell her that I would come home soon. That she
should wait for me. I wanted to wrap my arms around her again, see
the love in her violet eyes shine for me. But when I reached out,
there was only darkness. She was gone. But her scent lingers in my
arms. Her memory faded into darkness. And all of a sudden, I feel
empty and broken.

I opened my eyes. Light
streamed from the window. And I realized that it was just a dream.
I dreamt of a woman. Who she was, I wasn’t sure. I couldn’t
remember her face, only her violet eyes and the memory of her scent
still lingered with me. I remembered how I felt when I held her. It
was like I was home. I haven’t felt like that before. Weak and yet,
it seemed like I was the strongest I could be. Different, and yet,
complete. Lost and yet, there was nowhere else I wanted to
be.

The door opened, bringing
me back to reality. My sister was staring back at me with a hard
look on her face. I took a deep breath. I realized that the scent
of the woman in my dreams still lingered with me. I closed my eyes
for a moment, and for a while, I thought I remembered that scent.
It seems familiar to me. But I can’t remember why. What does that
scent remind me of? Or maybe I should ask, who?

“
She was here,” Paris
said, walking towards the side of my bed. “We told her to stay away
for a while, but she just couldn’t help herself.”

I stared back at her and
her face was the same as it always was. Stoic. Paris is good at
hiding her emotions. She’s actually good at hiding many things. But
she just doesn’t know that I know almost all of the things she
tries to keep to herself. She doesn’t know that I know underneath
her sweet, haughty princess façade, is a rebel on fire.

Like right now, I know she
is raging with anger. She is just better at keeping her emotions in
check than I am. And for a woman, that’s a very admirable trait. I
pity the guy who would one day try to win her heart. I pity the
guys my father tried to set up to be her husband. They all fell to
her feet and not one of them actually became successful at making
her fall in love.

Paris is a hopeless
romantic. Not many people know that. She’s had boyfriends before
and had fallen in love more than once, but after a heartbreak or
two, it looked like she just gave up. Her more important mission
now, it seems, is to prove to my father that he could never
manipulate her into marrying a man he chose for her. And for years,
she’s always been successful. Until now, he worries for her future.
He wasn’t always there for her. And I think he feels guilty for
that. He wanted the best for his daughter, and he wanted to make
sure she would marry well. The last thing we want is a scumbag who
would use her and squander the wealth that was hers from the moment
she was born.

“
Did you see her?” she
asked.

I shook my
head.

“
Good.” She murmured.
Finally, someone who was on my side.

“
It was right for you guys
to tell her to stay away from me,” I said.
“Permanently.”

Paris raised a brow at me.
Anger flared in her beautiful green eyes again. “Oh, I’m sorry bro.
I think you misunderstood me. I wasn’t asking her to stay away from
you for your own good. It’s for her own.”

I stared back at her,
seriously confused. I thought this girl looked up to me like I was
her hero.

“
From the moment you woke
up, all you did was crush that poor girl’s spirit, Ryder! The old
you wouldn’t be so ruthless,” she said. “I can’t stand on the
sidelines and watch you beat her over and over again. That’s why I
wanted her to stay away until… you’re you again.”

Oh great! So now Astrid
got to my baby sister, too. What is it about that woman?

“
Paris… there’s no point
fighting about this okay? Aren’t you glad that at least you still
have a brother?” I asked.

Guilt crossed her face.
And then she sat down on the bed beside me. She sighed. “You’re
right. I’m sorry. I am glad that you’re back. I just… hope you
would be your old happy self again.”

“
I am happy,” I
said.

She shook her head. “No,
you’re not, Ry.” She sighed. “I saw you that morning of the day of
the accident. You were… in heaven. You talked like you couldn’t
believe what was happening to you. There was a permanent smile on
your face, and your eyes were sparkling like you were mad.” She
smiled bitterly at the memory. “That’s happiness, Ryder. When I saw
you that morning, it made me wish…” She swallowed back a sob. “It
made me wish I could fall in love again. That I could smile like an
idiot like you were. The first time you saw me, you gave me a hug,
lifted me off my feet and spun me around like I was still six years
old. I knew that you really were happy.”

I listened to her in
shock. The person she described wasn’t me at all. What did I smoke
that day?

“
Was I high?” I
asked.

She giggled. “No, you
idiot,” she said. “You just came back from Malibu. And you told me
you were actually thinking of flying back there in the evening. I
thought you were crazy for even thinking you could go back and
forth from Manhattan to Malibu every day!”

“
Okay, I thought you said
I wasn’t stoned. Because that doesn’t sound like something a sane
person would do.”

“
Yes, you were crazy,
Ryder. You were crazy in love with Ash,” Paris said
sadly.

I felt overwhelming
sadness fill me all of a sudden. I can’t understand it. But at that
moment, I felt miserable. As if I remembered feeling all the things
that Paris said, but even before I try to grasp on to that feeling,
it was gone. And for that, I suddenly felt angry. I don’t know why.
I don’t even know who I was mad at.

“
Paris, please,” I
whispered. “Could you leave me be for a while?” I asked, turning
away from her and closing my eyes.

I heard her deep sigh of
frustration. And then she headed towards the door and closed it
behind her.

There is no doubt in my
mind that I wanted Astrid. I could feel desire reel through me at
the mention of her name. But at the same time, I can’t remember
feeling all the things that my sister and my friends were saying to
me. I can’t feel the love they desperately wanted me to remember.
Lust is different from love.

And the lunatic my sister
described to me was not me at all. Did I become a whole different
person because of her? I like being me. I’m happy being me. I’m
contented with my life. I don’t need to change for a woman.
Moreover, I don’t need to be weak because of her.

For years, I have been
careful not to fall in love. Love means weakness. And I can’t bear
the thought of being weak… not even for one second. I can’t bear to
have another person have full control of my life, or my emotions. I
built a Goddamn shield to keep feeling emotions that would lead to
my fall someday.

I don’t know the guy my
friends and my sister kept describing me as. That was not me. That
guy is an idiot! He sounded like he’s ready to give up everything
he worked hard for, his wealth and his life, and hand it to a woman
on a silver platter.

There was only one woman I
would have wished for if ever I would fall in love at all. A woman
who would love me even if I weren’t Ryder Van Woodsen. Somebody who
wants
me
even if
I don’t have money in my pocket. But reality check! My family was
too popular; my name always rang a bell. I was probably one of the
most eligible bachelors in the city, even in the country; I was
easily recognizable and wanted. By wanted I didn’t mean, women
really wanted me. They wanted the heir of the Van Woodsen
multi-billion dollar empire.

No. It’s impossible to
find a woman who would really like me for who I am. She doesn’t
exist. I could only hope to marry well to ensure the family wealth
stays intact and my wife does not use her status to extort me for
all I was worth. That was the plan. I was okay with that. That was
my reality.

But my friends were
telling me differently. How the hell did I let go of all I believe
in for a woman? How the hell did that woman get through my
shield?

Maybe it’s a good thing
that I lost my memory. Because I have been given a chance to undo
this foolishness without the complications of the so-called
undying-love I apparently have for her.

26.

BRIDAL REGISTRY:

A log of the couple’s gift preferences aimed at making it
easier for wedding guests to shop for gifts for the
couple.

Astrid.

I
went to the hospital every single day. But I never got a
chance to see Ryder. The doctors didn’t encourage it until all the
tests were done and they were sure about the gravity of his
amnesia.

“
You should go back to
Malibu,” Janis advised. “We’ll keep you posted, when he’s ready to
see you.”

I shook my head. “He
should at least try to see me, Jan,” I said hopefully. “Maybe if he
sees me… it would trigger some memories to come back.”

“
We have to do this
slowly, Ash,” Jake said. “Only time can help Ryder now.”

I think the sight of me
was unsettling to Ryder and it didn’t help his recovery to be
emotionally aggravated. But I couldn’t help myself. Once, when he
was sound asleep, I went to his room. Tears welled up in my eyes as
I saw him still in bandages. I was so happy that he made it. Even
though he didn’t remember me, I will still always be thankful that
God heard my prayers. Ryder was alive.

I leaned forward and
rested my head on his arm. I allowed tears to come. I wanted to
feel his warmth. I wanted to feel his love again. But I guess I had
to wait some more. I knew deep inside that mind of his were his
memories of me. And he would fight for his way back.

I stared at his peaceful,
handsome face. Ryder. My knight in shining armor. My rock. Now, I
will have to be strong for our love. And I will wait for him, no
matter how much it hurts.

“
I love you,” I whispered.
Then I leaned forward and kissed his forehead gently, still careful
not to wake him up. “Come back to me, Ryder.”

I felt his fingers flinch
a little. My heart pounded inside my chest. I knew he was not ready
for me yet. And I didn’t want to make things worse than they
already were. So, slowly I backed down from the bed and tiptoed my
way out of his room. I leaned on his door and took a deep
breath.

When I opened my eyes, I
found a pair of curious, beautiful green eyes staring back at
me.

Paris smiled at me
apologetically. “Did he see you?” she asked.

I shook my
head.

“
I know it hurts,
sweetheart,” she said. “But give it a little bit more time. He’ll
come around. And I’m sure he would ask for you.” She gave my hand a
squeeze and then finally, she went inside the room.

In spite of all their
advice, I still went to the hospital every single day. Once in a
while, when I knew he was sound asleep, I would go to his room. I
would whisper, “
I love
you
” as I kissed him goodnight before I
went back to his apartment and cried my heart out.

A month had passed before
he finally asked for me.

“
Are you Astrid?” a nurse
asked me while I was in my usual spot in the waiting room. I was
alone, waiting for one of Ryder’s friends or family to keep me
company.

I nodded.

“
Mr. Van Woodsen would
like to see you,” she smiled.

I felt a glimmer of hope
that maybe he finally remembered me. I stood up from my seat and
followed the nurse to his room. Ryder was sitting on the bed. He
looked better than the last time I saw him. His stitches look like
they were starting to heal now.

I stood at the foot of his
bed. The nurse left us. Ryder stared at me for a long time. He was
studying me. My heart pounded in my chest, and I realized that I
wasn’t breathing properly.

When I looked into his
eyes, I couldn’t see the usual emotion he used to have whenever he
looked at me. His expression was void of love and tenderness. I bit
my lip, hoping desperately that he would say something.

Then finally, he took a
deep breath and said, “Well, at least you are pretty.”