Knots (32 page)

His smile tightened, along with his ribs, squeezing his breath out. “Yeah, I’m sure it would work like magic pixie dust.”

He glanced at Ashlen, smiling up at him, and he strangled the hope in his chest, leaking out into his thoughts.

Kids
. They got to him every damn time.

He’d adopt if that was the route Jeanie wanted to go, but then . . .

He groaned under his breath and turned back to the window. Jeanie had to stop fighting him on every fucking thing before they could even broach that subject.

There was a reason he didn’t bring his work home. He didn’t want it to hurt Jeanie and have her feel inadequate with her fertility issues she’d struggled through over the last few years.

Christ—did she even know he was aware she was dealing with this?

He wasn’t sure. And would it even matter?

Right now, at this point, he wondered if she’d even stay in California past tonight, let alone remain in his life, so it was all a moot point anyway.

If he never had a family of his own, he’d keep getting small doses of children at work, and doing his damnedest to keep them unsoiled by the industry.

It was what kept him going—knowing he was doing a service for them most other agents ignored. Children were innocent and needed protection. He provided that and protected the parents as well.

The shit could cover his hands to keep theirs clean.

Fine with him.

At the end of the day, he knew how to get rid of it—burning off the excess with some bondage and play.

Only he might need a new sub soon . . .

His heart ripped at the thought—and once more, he fought to keep his eyes dry.

“Ready?” he asked Ashlen.

“Yeah. We get to sing now?”

“Yep!” He started singing “You Are My Sunshine,” to get her going.

Like all the previous times, she took over, and he listened to his heart’s content.

And somehow everything was better, even if it was temporary and the glitter would wear off soon.

Chapter 14

Jeanie stretched her back and massaged the lower half as best she could. The ducks were quacking incessantly, but she ignored it even if it was giving her a splitting headache.

She twisted her spine to get it to unkink once more. What she wouldn’t do to have Mark’s hands doing the job justice.

She was always weak at massages. Her hands were little and never seemed strong enough, but then she’d be digging her hands in, trying to knead Pono’s sore muscles, and he was a big guy.

She glanced around and tried not to feel like she was a nuisance to them by being here.

Marly was inside, watching TV.

Jay was working on his car, changing the oil or something. She wasn’t sure.

They said hi like she was nothing more than the postman.

Her breath stuck in her throat and seemed to lodge there permanently.

No one was angry, but she was being ignored.

Was this how this family was on any given day? Was this why Pono ignored her most of the time?

He grew up this way?

Even Toloa, working in the garden beside her, failed to say much.

She grunted a few things here and there, but kept quiet for the most part.

It was awkward, and Jeanie had no idea what to do with herself.

Toloa didn’t give much instruction, so Jeanie would pull weeds and do whatever she thought was helpful.

Helpless and feeling utterly useless, she kept berating herself mentally for not speaking up.

“I’m sorry,” she wanted to say, “for not trusting you to handle the truth and accept me. I was afraid I wasn’t good enough, and you wouldn’t have a reason to keep me in your family.” If Mark was here, he’d say those things for her, opening up communication.

Her inept body scratched at the soil, failing to get much done. It wasn’t as bad, though, as her feeble mind, coming up with excuses for why she was coated in guilt over taking charge in the garden at times without permission, and then plagued with the repeating question of why she couldn’t simply ask Toloa what she wanted her to do.

The words wouldn’t come. It was the damned roadblock in her throat, she told herself.

But honestly, it wasn’t. She knew it.

She’d never been good at asking. That was why she did the same with Pono. She guessed what he wanted, took over and did it, and all the while felt like shit for being so overbearing and bossy.

She hated being that type of woman, but there didn’t seem any other way to handle it.

If she was brave, she’d help each of them. She’d reach out to Jay, help with his car repairs.

Find out what Marly was watching and join her.

But no. She lurked in the garden, skulking around like a creepy little gnome or something equally disturbing.

“Ma! Lunch!” Marly demanded from the doorway of the house.

“Just a minute,” Toloa huffed back, then struggled to her feet.

Jeanie scrambled over to help her but wasn’t fast enough.

They were both coated in mud.

“Here—let’s go wash off,” Toloa said, heading over to the hose.

Those few simple words set Jeanie at ease.

Why?

Why did she crave someone else holding the reins?

What was her problem that she couldn’t figure this stuff out for herself?

Jeanie didn’t know the answer, but she beamed at Toloa when her mother-in-law grabbed her hands and then helped her wash them.

“Thanks,” Jeanie said. She was tiny like a small child, begging for more of this type of interaction. Or, at least, she could tell her eyes were doing that for her.

They stomped the mud off the bottoms of their shoes as they tromped through the yard up to the back door.

Toloa removed her still slightly soiled shoes, and Jeanie followed suit.

Once inside, she wasn’t sure what to do with herself. Did she help in the kitchen with lunch? Did she hang out with Marly? It seemed kind of ungrateful to do that, so she followed Toloa into the kitchen.

Toloa swung around to grab something on the counter, unaware Jeanie was there, and stumbled back, slamming her hip into the counter.

She flinched on impact.

“Oh my God! I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to . . .” Jeanie tried to help her off the counter.

Toloa was out of breath, and though she kept her eyes down, there was pain and frustration there.

“Why don’t you go rest? Take a break,” Toloa offered.

“O-kay,” Jeanie squeaked and skirted out of the kitchen. She was the biggest waste of space around.

Couldn’t she do anything right?

Before she realized it, she was back out in the garden, barefoot and sitting in the spot she and Mark had chatted in almost two weeks ago.

Thoughts of him calmed her.

Why was she so lost without him?

She pulled out her phone and shot him a quick, mindless text.

Hope your day’s going well . . .

That was it? That was all she had to say?

And then it hit her—he hadn’t attempted to contact her at all today.

She groaned and her head fell back. Her eyes moistened as they followed the few puffy clouds floating by.

Why did she need guidance like a small child?

Other adults didn’t need this, so why did she?

She relaxed into the swing and wished her life made more sense.

A few minutes later, she roamed back inside and changed out of her grubby clothes so she wouldn’t get their furniture dirty.

When she entered the dining area, they were eating without her at the table.

Oh crap. They probably got sick of waiting on her broody PMSing attitude.

Jay patted the chair next to him, wordlessly telling her to eat up.

The food might not last.

She knew how it went. They would eat all of it whether she was there or not.

So why was she shocked? They weren’t being rude—just giving her space.

A part of her knew Mark wouldn’t have done that. He would have found her, sat her ass down, fed her by hand if needed and then waited patiently for her to spill her guts on what was bugging her.

A swelling in her heart had her breathless and seizing up inside.

She wanted that. She wanted to matter and feel like she was the whole world to somebody.

And Mark did that all the time.

So why did she fight it so much?

You’re unworthy . . .

Yes, she was.

She dipped her head, grabbed a tuna sandwich and put it on her plate.

They ate in silence—well, except Marly.

She was begging to go out tonight, but Toloa refused and avoided the topic.

“Please! I’ll be good,” Marly whined.

“No. You didn’t behave last night. Mark said you were fine, but I could tell he was just being polite. You behaved rudely even though we were nice and let you out on a weeknight. I could tell with the way he told us . . .” Toloa drifted off and went back to eating.

“You’re blaming this on me?”

“No. We’re not talking about it,” her mother said.

Jeanie swallowed hard and wished she was anywhere but here.

The fault was all hers, not Marly’s.

If she’d told them herself, instead of forcing Mark to do it, maybe things wouldn’t have blown up like that.

Jeanie lifted her stiff head, set her palms on the table and inhaled before blurting, “It’s my fault. I was a coward, and Mark wanted you to know since we both care about you. I’m sorry it had to come from him instead of me.”

“It’s fine,” Toloa said, pretending like it didn’t matter.

“It’s not fine. I’m . . . I still want to be part of this family. I love you guys, but I’m . . . I guess I felt guilty for being happy with Mark so soon after . . .” God, her throat cemented shut.

Tears rolled down her cheeks.

“It’s not your fault.” Toloa turned to her. “And you’re entitled to do whatever you like. You’re a grown woman. We can’t dictate your life for you.”

“Sometimes I wish you would,” Jeanie squeaked out, swiping her tears away with the backs of her hands. Her stomach was a mess, filled with angry hornets based on the way it was stinging and going nauseous.

“Don’t you worry about us. You only tell us what you want us to know. We want to be part of your life, too,” Jay said, smiling with a fond, affectionate look.

“Thanks.”

Jeanie shrugged off her embarrassment and wished she had some finesse with these types of things. She sucked at sharing her feelings. It was so much easier to let it stay trapped inside her.

This inexplicable feeling of pride lifted her out of her seat. “I’ll be right back.”

Jeanie went into the living room and texted Mark right away.

I managed to fumble through an apology and tell them I wanted to stay in their life. It was messy, and I sounded stupid, but I did it. Are you proud of me?

The moment she sent it off, she regretted it. Fishing for compliments and approval now?

Ugh! Pathetic had reached a new level.

She went back into the dining room. All but Marly were done eating and clearing their dishes off the table.

Jeanie patted Marly’s back and then sat down. She finished off her sandwich and told Marly, “We’ll figure out some way so you can still have fun tonight.”

“Thanks, Jeanie,” Marly said, tossing herself into a fleeting hug.

“You’re welcome.” Jeanie went back to eating, unsure of what else to say.

Mark was the eloquent, insightful one, and once again, she craved his presence and wished she hadn’t been such a silly snot last night.

Hopefully he’d forgive her. Though, she wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t and if he was sick of her childish antics. No wonder he got her a school girl uniform. She acted more like an adolescent than Marly did at sixteen years old.

When they were done eating, Jeanie was lost again.

Toloa was snoozing on her bed in the back, Jay was on the phone in his room and Marly had headphones on as she watched something on her iPod.

Jeanie thanked Mark silently for grabbing her laptop and dropping it off along with her.

She sat down, tried to work, but her thoughts kept getting in the way.

Had she been mistaken about what Pono’s home life was like?

They were always laughing like it was a party whenever she and Pono came around. There was always lots of yummy food, maybe some dancing and tons of joking around.

But then she had never hung out all day long.

She realized now this was normal home life.

They weren’t going to single her out every time, even though she’d always had mixed feelings about it.

A part of her soaked it up like Vitamin D from the sun, seeping in through her pores and making her body sing, but another part of her shrunk away.