Layers Off (12 page)

“And can I assume your brothers don’t know about him?”

“Hell, no! You’re not going to tell them, are you? Because if you did, then any hope I had to—”

“—Emma, stop. Of course I won’t! As long as you keep me in the loop, my lips are sealed.” I pulled my fingers across my mouth as if closing a zipper.

“Your lips are sealed for what?” Tristan interrupted.

“Nothing.” Emma stood up straight as if someone had pinned her to a wall. At the same time, Julian came by and took me by my waist.

“I need a minute with Tristan,” I said to him.

“Of course.” Julian kissed me on my cheek, the same way he had so many times before. It seemed this was the only physical gesture Julian could find in himself to offer me. As much as I longed for something more, he always hesitated, and it was beginning to bother me more than I wanted to admit. At first I thought he was honestly waiting for me to fully recover, but I’d been well for a while now. Didn’t he want me? Had he realized I wasn’t worthy of his affection? Emma’s description of her brother may have held some ground, but I knew Julian – there had to be a reason for his distant behavior.

Emma hooked her arm into Julian’s, winked back at me, and they strolled toward the mingling crowd.

“What was that about?” Tristan asked.

“My lips are sealed.”

“Ahh, you two scheming again?”

“When have we schemed?”

“How about when you told her to die my hair purple?”

“Oh, that.” I forgot about how cool it had felt to pull pranks on Julian and Tristan. And with Emma’s help, anything was possible.

“How’s the recovery? You look much better, K. Do you have everything you need?” Tristan asked.

“It’s improving every day. And I guess I’m doing much better than I would have been if Martinez had sold me.”

I noticed Tristan cringe at my words.

“I’d probably have slashed my wrists if they’d kept me locked up any longer, but I knew you wouldn’t abandon me.” I felt my chest vibrate with nerves.

“Of course I wouldn’t, K. I’m the reason you started—”

“—please, Tristan. No need to make excuses for me.”

He let out a long breath. “Then I’m so sorry for hurting you and rejecting you the way I did. I was an asshole and didn’t think.”

Yes, he could have handled it differently, but I’d made a share of my own mistakes and could never blame him.

“I appreciate that, but really, you know I’m the one who caused it all. Julian’s been wonderful, helping me acknowledge my actions.” I raised my hand to his chest and touched near his heart where I’d stabbed him. Tristan lifted his hand to mine and held it there.

“I hope one day you can forgive me,” I said, looking right into his eyes. They seemed so different now. Not the same ones I remembered when we dated. For the first time, Tristan’s eyes truly appeared different from Julian’s. Most importantly, they looked taken – as if he belonged to someone else, which he did.

“Of course, K. All I wish is for you to get better and to be happy. Everyone has a hiccup in their life. We both did, and now we can both move on. I should have never pursued a relationship with you in the first place. I saw the connection you made with Julian – and I was jealous. I should have known better than to jump in his place when all you needed was a friend.”

“As I recall, I was the one who jumped you.” I remembered that evening in the Cross’s basement.

“But I was older and wiser.”

“Well, you got half of it right.” I punched him playfully on his arm. “So, we’re okay?”

“Yes, we’re definitely okay. And if you ever need anything, I will always be there for you. Although I see my brother is filling in nicely.”

“Julian’s been great.”

“I sense a ‘but’ here...”

“But he’s cautious and wary of me. He’s acting as if I’m a frail doll he’ll break.”

“Are you surprised? After what you’ve been through, I still can’t believe you made it to the wedding. Give him some time. He just wants what’s best for you. We all do.”

“Yes, time. It’s just hard to gauge how long it will be before it all passes. At least now I know it can pass.”

“I’m sorry, K. I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through. Ever since the train incident, your life changed so much.”

“You know, sometimes I wish we had gone back to get them. I wonder how my life would have been different if I hadn’t lost my parents when I needed them the most.”

“If we had gone back, none of us would be here.”

“I know. I’m grateful to you both – the way you risked your lives – not many would have. And if you hadn’t helped me get a new identity, those murderers who were after my family would have found me too. And now my father’s secrets are buried with him.” I let out an exasperated breath.

“It’s all in the past now. I should get back to Allie. I see Julian’s filling her ear again.”

Why did it seem to me that Tristan was trying to change the subject? The scar on his upper lip twitched as his gaze darted from me to Allie.

“Take care, Tristan.”

“You too, K.” He kissed me on my cheek and left to steal Allie from under the arm of Julian, whose smug look couldn’t have been mistaken for anything other than teasing. But once Julian saw me, he headed my way.

“Are you all right?” he asked.

“You could say that.” The conversation I’d overheard between the brothers still gnawed at my gut. I shifted uncomfortably in his embrace.

“What’s the matter?”

“Can we find a quiet spot?” I asked.

“Of course.”

Julian led me upstairs into his bedroom and locked the door. The sound of the clicking lock sent a flurry of goose bumps over my arms. It was so different from the sound of unlocking chains – much more pleasant. He sat in a chaise and pulled another one in front of him, patting it down for me.

As much as I didn’t like the doctor-patient atmosphere he always created when I wanted to talk, it seemed I didn’t have much choice this time.

“Talk to me.”

“Okay, here it goes.” I took in a deep breath. “I may have overheard a conversation you had with Tristan.”

Julian’s face sobered, but he squeezed my hands to continue, a camouflage of calmness covering his face once again.

“I heard you talking about my father and how he was paid millions for a job you did. What job? And who’s Donato?”

The last name I knew from my past had to be a coincidence. There was no way the sick bastard who tried to touch me in high school would have anything to do with Washington.

Julian let go of my hands and ran his fingers through his hair. He pursed his lips for a moment, opening them and then closing them again as if he was debating whether to tell me.

“Through contacts, Tristan’s been able to pressure Congress to vote on tighter policies against money laundering. Donato didn’t like it. He’s been giving us a hard time about it, making it more difficult to get business.”

“What about the money my father paid?”

“K, there are things in the past that should stay buried there. This is one of them.”

I watched his face before I spoke again. Whatever this secret was, it must had more to do with me than my father. Julian knew I could handle any government mischief; he wouldn’t have hesitated. What exactly did he want to stay in the past, and how was I involved?

“What do you feel guilty for? What do I not know?”

“It’s not guilt, Kendra.”

I threw my hands up in the air and stood up. “I’m trying to build a new life – one without lies or deceit. You know how important it is for me to heal before I can move on. If there’s something you can tell me about my past that’s been hidden from me, then maybe I can put my nightmares to rest.”

It wasn’t a secret how many times per week I still woke up drenched in sweat, shaking, absolutely petrified, and I didn’t know why. We’d blamed it on my captivity, but I knew that wasn’t it. I couldn’t figure out why the flashes of guns and blood were coming back to me at night.

Julian remained in the chair and leaned back, regarding me. My plea caused my heart to race. Deep down I was sure this could fast-forward my recovery.

His shoulders dropped as he said, “What I know could destroy you.” He reached for my hand, gently tugging so that I would sit back down.

“How? I don’t understand.”

“You don’t have to understand. Tristan and I... we... there are things I do in this business for reasons I don’t understand until later on. And sometimes that’s too late. Regret will not change the past. Damage is done before we’re fully aware...” He paused. “You’d leave me if you knew, and I can’t take that chance.”

“I would never leave you, Julian. You know how I feel about you.” I felt my cheeks heat. I’d told Julian I was in love with him a while back, but as much as I knew he cared for me, he had not said he felt the same way. “I know the kind of business you’re in, and I’m fully aware of the last-minute decisions both you and Tristan need to make. Those decisions save lives. They protect people.”

“Exactly.” His eyes brightened for a brief second, as if what I’d said held the answers I sought.

“Are you still blaming yourself for that accident? That my parents weren’t saved? It wasn’t your objective. I was your priority, and you saved me. Is that what’s keeping the distance between us?”

Since the day I first spoke and gave him that soft lingering kiss, Julian’s attentive body was no longer mine to share. I craved his skin. I longed for the feel of his warm flesh against mine that I remembered from our shower. I dreamed about him at night, and he preoccupied my every thought during the day.

Sometimes it seemed we had more of a physical connection when I was numb and speechless. I didn’t want to go back to that. I couldn’t do that to Julian. But my woman’s intuition disagreed. Even now, watching him stand up and pace back and forth, the muscles underneath his suit flexing like they’ve been molded just so that I could watch, woke something inside me I hadn’t felt in a long time. It stirred in my belly, spreading up toward my breasts and to between my legs. I swallowed a hard lump through my throat, letting the force of whatever he was doing consume me like a fireball of desire sent straight from the pits of Cupid’s brew of lust.

Concentrate!
I heard my own internal voice.

His nervous laugh brought me out of my euphoric state. Julian chewed on his thumb. The gesture was rare to see. He eventually unknotted his tie and threw it down on the bed. I found
that
even sexier. When he stopped, he locked his gaze with mine and for a split moment I thought he felt the electricity that sizzled between us, the same way it had that day on the train and that night in his office.

He surprised me by saying, “When you’re completely well, I’ll tell you everything.”

And instead of confronting him the way the strong me would have before the kidnapping, I simply asked, “Really?”

Was I being too safe? Too afraid to open up wounds that could never heal? God, I certainly felt like the pussy Emma said I became.

He regarded me with a blank expression. “Yes, when you’re well.”

“Okay, what does that mean? And why do you think I’m not well, Julian?”

“Recovering from what you’ve been through takes time. I’m a patient man, K. I’ve waited for you this long; I can wait a few more months.”

Months?

This time I shot off my chair. “And who gets to decide how I’m doing, Julian? You? Tristan? The doctor who doesn’t really know who I am? How can you put a time stamp on what I’ve been through when
I
can’t even do that? What if whatever secrets you’re holding onto could be the key to my full recovery? I need answers. There’s a reason they say that the truth will set you free.”

I need you!
I wanted to add, but didn’t.

He stood there for a moment with his hands on his hips. His face contorted to the side. “Not
this
truth.
This
would crush you. You would relapse.”

I could see anger roll off his body. Julian had been controlling himself so much around me; even I thought he was a different person. The dangerous streak I’d loved about him was hidden. His excitement had been toned down to a level of a visit to the dentist. But now, with me confronting him, I was beginning to see the man I knew was there, hiding underneath a shell of his own. I yearned to crash through the layers of secrets he held.

Please let me in!

But I remained quiet.

Julian stood still, letting that anger I saw beaming in his eyes dissipate through his nostrils. He breathed in deeper breaths, probably trying to calm his heartbeat. How was he doing this? How was he able to control his feelings so well?

There was no hope, was there? Julian’s mouth was tighter than a seal on a submarine.

I lowered my head, saying, “When we go back to the States, I think it’s time I move out.”

“Why would you do that?”

“I think I need distance. And maybe I should see if I can be on my own.”

“Distance from me?”

“From everything. I can’t think around you. I have questions about my father you won’t answer, nightmares about killing some stranger I don’t know, and a lot of my fucked-up past seems to be a blur. I need distance from you, from everything.” Feeling some kind of a spark in my chest, I backed up against the wall.

Julian took three long steps and was in front of me, a shadow of despair covering his face.

“Kendra, I beg you with everything that I am. Stay with me, please.”

His hands splayed at the side of my shoulders, his forehead nearly touching mine. I drank in his smell, and that was a mistake because all of a sudden, his proximity felt like so much more. More than he could give me, and more than I could accept.

The torturous distance between us was like toxic air we couldn’t trespass. His chest heaved up and down and I drowned in his breaths, letting them overpower me. My hands twitched at the need to touch him in ways I knew I shouldn’t. But Julian held his ground and didn’t touch me. Where did he get the will to be so close yet so far away? Or perhaps he couldn’t bear touching a woman whose body been used by so many men before him? Was that what had been keeping him from me? The moment he realized I was getting better, the moment I spoke, a month and a half ago, he took a step back. I wasn’t good enough. I was like second-hand clothing, and no one would ever want me unless they had no other choice.