Layers Off (8 page)

He leaned back, a veil of shock covering his face.

“I crossed a line, didn’t I? I’m such a fool.” I lowered my head. A swarm of embarrassment tingled me all over. That odd sensation of wanting to die crept up my spine. I bet I could crawl into that tiny crack in the wall on the other side of the room. Imagining myself away from Julian was next to impossible, though, because living without him just didn’t make sense.

“No, K. Everything is fine.” He lifted my chin with his finger. “I just always assumed Tristan was your first.”

Phew! Was that all?

“I’m not that easy, Julian. I have some self-respect.” I nudged him with my shoulder. “Except with you... I didn’t need to hesitate with you.”

“I’d never think that about you, K. But you had been together for a while before we...”

The mere memory of that night stung deliciously between my legs in a way I hadn’t felt in a long time—and that I hadn’t thought I could feel again. And this time, it stirred no bad thoughts.

An awkward silence pushed us apart. I organized my thoughts before I spoke again.

“Why are you doing this, Julian? Why do you care so much? How can you have so much hope for me?”

He ran his fingers through his hair. Julian did that a lot when he was nervous. “I let you go once. I let another man steal you away from me. Albeit my brother, but it doesn’t matter. I faltered the moment my feelings were challenged, and I shouldn’t have.”

“What feelings?” I whispered.

“Kendra, we’ve been friends for a long time. That night, in my office, you opened up my world. You showed me what I could have beyond work and countless hours at the office. I shouldn’t have let you go. I was blinded by your relationship with Tristan and didn’t realize what I truly felt. I forbid myself to believe it was more than a friendship. I thought I made a mistake. But what happened between us, from that very first day on the train, to that night in my office, was more than friendship. It always has been.” He paused for a moment regarding me.

I felt my mouth open slightly, breathing in his words.

“What I felt in here” – Julian tapped his chest – “grew every time I saw you, even when you were with my brother. Do you know how many times I beat him up in that boxing ring because I thought about his mouth on yours? He could never figure out where I found the strength and drive to win every single challenge. And it was you – it was always you. I’ve cared about you for years. I’ve wanted you every hour of every day. Any woman I dated seemed like nothing compared to you. That flare in your eyes was contagious. Your rambunctious spark pitched inside me. You had so many ideas for the club and you were so excited I wondered how in the world you managed to have such spirit and so much hope.”

Julian then stopped, cupped the side of my face with his right hand, and whispered, “I saw your face every time I closed my eyes. I’ve made love to you countless times in my dreams, wishing I’d never wake up.”

Holy fuck!

I just stared, breathing him in, waiting for that moment his mouth would crush to mine to transfer everything he’d said in that one kiss, but he stayed in his seat, lowering his hands away from my face, down to my thighs. After that, Julian didn’t budge. He just sat there, breathing and watching my reaction.

“Does that scare you?” he finally asked.

I couldn’t get a word out.

“Say something, K. Is this too much?” he asked in a whisper. Apprehension drew furrowed lines along his forehead.

I closed my eyes, feeling the pressure pop underneath my lashes and spill to the corner, and then trail slowly trail along my cheeks.

“Please, don’t cry. I didn’t want to make you sad. Kendra, I’m sorry. Please say something.”

My hands trembled and my chest tightened. “I’ve been in love with you for years.” The words spilled before I realized what I’d said. My hand flew to my mouth, shutting it closed before anything else stupid came out. The baby steps I wanted to take had turned into a giant’s leaps.

Julian slowly pulled my hand away from my mouth before asking, “You love me?”

I simply nodded, definitely not expecting a reply or any sort of reciprocation on his part. Yet my body began to shake all on its own. The trembles flew through like an unexpected storm. Why was I so frail, and when would I recover that spirit Julian spoke about?

“Shh, I’ve got you, K. C’mere.” He drew me to him. “We’ll figure it all out. I promise we will.”

“I wish I’d said something the next morning,” I added.

“You’re not the only one, K.” I felt my head rise higher with his chest. “I wish I didn’t care about what others thought, but you were still my brother’s girl, and underage. I had my father’s company to think about, and its reputation. I will never forgive myself for that, K. Instead of asking you how you felt about us and whether you wanted to continue what we started, I went on a business trip. And when I came back—”

“—I was back with Tristan.” I snuggled deeper into Julian’s comfortable body. “He was like a drug to me, you know. I got high on the fact that I could manipulate him and use him right in front of your eyes. It’s like I always knew it would hurt you, and that’s what I wanted, because I was hurting.”

“You were hurting because of me,” he whispered.

I looked up to his face. The tension in his jaw tightened all the muscles, and I was afraid it would snap.

“I’m the one who drove you to...”

Did Julian think it was his fault I turned to drugs and alcohol? No! That had nothing to do with him. My past, the nightmares, and memories of a fucked up teacher were the source of my demise.

“Julian, this is not your fault. I was young and stupid and naive with issues the size of a continent. In the beginning, I messed around with Tristan to hurt you. But it wasn’t until later – when I thought you didn’t want anything to do with me – that it became more serious between me and your brother.”

“Because you thought I didn’t remember making love to you?”

“Yes. I fooled myself into believing you could feel what I felt. I convinced myself I could have with Tristan what I’d always imagined in you – and believe me, I tried to – to the point of pretending it was you with me, in our bed.” I felt sick to my stomach. How could I have ever thought my relationship with Tristan was true and real when I kept pretending he was Julian? “I have so much explaining to do.” I buried my face in my hands again.

“Please, don’t cover your face from me. We’ll get through everything together, I promise.”

“Yeah, if Tristan doesn’t strangle me first.” The choke escaping my lungs was broken.

“Tristan’s head over heels in love with Allie. And he’ll never stop caring about you, Kendra. You’ll get your chance to make those amends when we go to Vienna for Gabe and Sam’s wedding.”

Julian shifted to lean against the side of the swing. He lifted his legs to the seat, wrapping them around me from behind. I lay down on his chest, savoring the movement of his every breath. The simple comfort of talking to him about my past instead of the two shrinks who visited me was overwhelming. He understood me. Julian knew me, and he would stand by me until all the layers of my past scars were off.

The sun had vanished beyond the horizon. White flakes floated outside, shimmering in the patio light. I loved staying in the sunroom. It was peaceful. I relished the simple things in life I’d thought I’d never feel or see again.

“So, where exactly does that leave us?” I asked.

“I’m not sure, K. But I’m not going to rush into anything or make hasty decisions before you’re well.”

Did that include loving me? Just being within Julian’s reach uncoiled everything inside me that I so desperately tried to stuff away. Were these feelings all right for me to have? I still had so many unanswered questions for him and from my past. Perhaps Julian was right. Maybe we needed more time to heal. And there was nothing more that I wanted than to leave the bitch-fest-like life behind me, and start fresh and strong – which I definitely hadn’t been. If I was going to start my life over, I couldn’t make the mistakes I’d made in the past. I couldn’t deny what I’d always felt for Julian anymore. And once I was convinced I could truly deal with the torture my body and mind had suffered during my captivity – without wanting to die, that is – maybe there was a chance to reclaim what was mine. Run Kissed, my nightclub, like the responsible owner I should have been, and earn a chance to be with Julian.

Julian kissed the top of my head and I closed my eyes.

He rubbed my side arm, holding me. The moment of silence between us said it all. All those lost years, the rivalry between the brothers, and my downward spiral into drugs to forget about the only man I’d ever loved could have been avoided.

“There’s something else I need to tell you.” I curled my knees back underneath me and looked up to see his face. Julian’s beautiful eyes were like two amber gems.

“That you think I’m the wiser brother because I have you here?” He squeezed my hands in encouragement.

I rolled my eyes and sat up higher, whispering, “I broke your heart and it’s you I tried to kill.”

“Why would you say that, K?”

I could feel the shivers of surprise pass over Julian’s entire body.

“Tristan thinks it’s his fault I stabbed him, but it’s not. When I looked at his face, I saw you. You and that other girl you were dating after we – you know.”

“You were with my brother. Even after our night together, you went back to Tristan. I truly thought you didn’t want anything to do with me.”

I felt my cheeks droop lower.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to accuse.” He smoothed his thumbs over my brows.

“I always hoped you’d try to win me back,” I whispered. “Even after I went back to him.”

“He’s my brother. I couldn’t do that to him. When we made love in my office, I thought you weren’t together then.”

“I understand that now, but I didn’t then. I was stupid, immature, and not worthy of either one of you.” I stood up off the swing. Cold breeze wrapped around me as if trying to steal away every ounce of warmth Julian had given me. Without Julian’s arms around me, I felt naked. I neared the window, watching the patch from my breath enlarge. “I think Tristan always knew I wasn’t right for him. That’s why he said we were moving too quickly when I mentioned marriage. And, now, well, he has a white scar decorating his chest.”

Julian chuckled. “He must have flipped.” I heard him shift but didn’t realize he was already up, standing behind me.

“You think? I flipped too, and stabbed him. I didn’t mean to. I really didn’t mean to.” I turned around. I’d been high that night too, but I wouldn’t blame the drugs. It was all my doing.

Julian tucked a stray lock behind my ear. “I know. You’ll tell him when the time is right.” He leaned forward to take me into his arms. My head rested comfortably against him.

“I wish my mother was here,” I sighed. “I wish I could have relied on her to guide me. I don’t even remember if I told her how much I loved her and how much I wish I wasn’t such pain in the ass as a teen. Maybe we could have had that uncomfortable ‘boys talk’ and she could have steered me in the right direction.”

Julian tensed as if I’d said I’d just killed her myself.

“What is it?”

“I wish you could see her too. More often than you know. But I’m sure she’s watching over you. In some way, I’m sure she’s always wanted what was best for you, and I’m sorry we failed to protect you the way we promised. I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through.”

The way he said that made me feel like she was still here with us, truly watching over me. And even though I’d never had a great relationship with her, I did miss her, especially during those difficult days when I’d wished I could talk to her about girl things – in fact, about anything.

I would have told her what happened in high school. I would have cried with her and asked her to comfort me, the way she always had when I was in trouble. This time, I would have told her the truth.

C
HAPTER
8

St. Vincent’s High School – nine years ago

I remembered the day my life crumbled as if it had happened yesterday. Standing by my locker, I pretended to look for books, my pencil case, binders – anything to keep me hidden behind the metal door. Waiting for the bell to ring felt like a century. The echo of slamming steel a few feet away made the small hairs on the nape of my neck stand, and I flinched. Shutting my eyes, I prayed they would find someone else to torture, but I had a better chance of a meteorite falling from the sky right on top of the high school.

“There she is!”

I cringed at the high pitched scream and clenched my fists.

Please let the bell ring soon.

An overpowering floral scent that burned lungs filled me. Could anyone use any more perfume than Caroline?

“Nice hair!” She ruffled her hand on top of my head from behind me, messing my style.

“Don’t touch me.” I whipped my body around to face my bully and her squad of Britney look-a-likes. What was so unique about everyone styling pig-tails with feathered hair bands that belonged as ornaments on a Christmas tree? These girls weren’t anything like the good-hearted, always smiling, ex-Mouseketeer. They relished someone else’s pain and preyed on anyone who chose to be different.

“I’m just trying to be nice, Katherine.”

“Go be nice to someone else.”

I wished my voice was braver and louder. I wasn’t intimidated by the team of blondes; I just knew what arguing with them led to, and that was the part I didn’t like. I’d seen them lift a girl’s kilt once when she was walking up the stairs, exposing her bottom, and that was the tamer of their pranks. Caroline’s face drooped. Her fake smile showing bleached teeth twisted into a straight line, and she stepped forward. I smelled her bubble gum breath on my face as she leaned toward me. With her cheek brushing against mine, she hushed her warning right into my ear.

“You are a piece of nothing. Your daddy’s money will not buy you popularity here – ever. You will sit in the back of every class I’m in. You will not look at me or raise your hand to answer any question. You will become a ghost – completely invisible. Understood?”