Learning to Breathe Again (5 page)

But this guy seemed content to sit in the
driver’s seat and just drive. She’d caught him glancing over at her
a couple of times, concern lining his eyes. He’d adjusted the heat
once, and the volume on the radio a couple of times, but other than
that, he’d ignored her.

She wondered what her brother and Jack had
talked about earlier, when she’d left the room. For the last nine
months or so, she’d tried to limit phone calls with her brother.
Emails allowed her that cloak of invisibility, and less worry for
him. At least, that’s how she justified it in her mind.

But now, she didn’t know what to do, and
things were so screwed up, she didn’t know if they could ever be
fixed.

They crested a hill and her breath caught at
the view below her. She wasn’t sure what she’d been expecting, a
small, non-descript farmhouse, maybe, or even a double-wide
trailer, with a few rusted out pickup trucks up on blocks next to
it. They were in the middle of Nowhere-ville, Texas, for Christ’s
sake.

But this? This was something
worthy of a write up in
Architects’
Monthly.
This house had the same type of
bay windows the house she remembered from her childhood having.
She’d loved curling up in those bay windows and watching summer
thunderstorms, her mother working on something at the kitchen table
nearby.

She closed her eyes against the sudden pain
the memory brought with it. That time and place was gone. Long gone
and never to return. She realized they had stopped and she opened
her eyes again, turning to the man beside her. “Wow. Nice place you
have here.”

“
Thanks. I think I drove a
couple of the architects and builders to drink,” he paused in the
act of opening his door. “I’ll help you down from the
cab.”

Wanting to be out of the truck before he got
to her side, she rushed to open her own door and jumped to the
ground. “Damn it.” She hissed out between clenched teeth as her
knee buckled again. She collapsed back against the truck and
squeezed her eyes closed on the wave of pain that shot through her.
Why couldn’t her body cooperate for a little longer?

She cried out when the heavy weight of a
man’s hand settled on her shoulder.

“
Bayleigh? Are you with me?”
Jack’s deep voice carried a note of concern and broke through her
thoughts. She opened her eyes and focused on his face. She nodded
once and attempted to push away from the truck, screwing her face
up in pain when she attempted to put weight on her knee.

“
Oh, no you don’t,” he told
her with a firm shake of his head, making her sit back down inside
the truck. “Do me a favor and stay here for a few seconds. I’ll go
get the door and then carry you in. Your knee has had enough
punishment for one day.”

He spun on a booted heel, striding across the
driveway to the covered porch, taking the steps two at a time. He
thrust the key in the lock and shoved open the door, not even
stopping to remove the key before turning to head back to her.

“
Ok, here we go. Put your
arms around my shoulders and just relax.” His lips were against her
temple. As soon as his hands slid across her shoulders and under
her legs, ready to lift her, her whole body tensed and her breath
hitched in her chest, her pulse jumping. And just like that, the
downward spiral started.

Bayleigh tried to
concentrate on his eyes and his words, but he was
touching
her. The panic
was rising up inside and overtaking her. It didn’t matter that he
was only trying to help. She was cornered, trapped. She couldn’t
run away this time. Her breaths were short and choppy and her chest
was tight. She could feel the blood pounding in her
head.

“
Can’t…breathe…” she wheezed
out, her hands pushing on his chest, as her vision blurred from
either the lack of oxygen or the tears running down her cheeks, she
wasn’t sure which.

Please don’t let me pass out. I can’t
protect myself if I pass out.

“
Shit.” Jack’s own eyes went
wide and then he shifted her higher in his arms and quickened his
pace. He hurried to get her into the house, heading for kitchen and
settled her onto of the chairs before turning to the cabinets,
muttering under his breath.

Bayleigh leaned forward, hands on her
thighs.

“
Here.” Jack shoved a brown
paper bag in her face. “You’re hyperventilating. Breathe into the
bag.” He shook the bag to get her attention.

Keeping her eyes on him as
he retreated back to the other side of the kitchen, she opened the
bag. It took a few minutes but the rock that had taken residence in
her chest eased off of her and she was able to take a more
comfortable breath. Her skin was cold and clammy and her hands were
still shaking.
The tremors would linger
for a while, she knew, but the claws of anxiety were loosening
their hold on her.

“
So how
often do you get panic attacks?” 
 
Jack leaned against the
counter, keeping his distance.

Bayleigh pulled the bag
away from her face long enough to answer. “It’s just the
exhaustion.”
Deny and
sidestep
.

Jack shot her a dubious
look but didn’t
refute
her. “Well, I can help you solve that problem, then. Your
bedroom is just down the hall. I’ll help you to it,” he
straightened up from the counter.

“
I can make it…” She
lowered the bag, raised her chin and stood. Her thigh muscles
tightened into a knot as soon as she attempted to put her weight on
her leg and her knee gave out.

Shit. Shit. Shit.
She collapsed back into the chair, shoulders
slumped.
Breathe. Just breathe.

“
As I was
saying, I can help you…and while you are resting, I can fix us
something to eat.” He gave a hard look, crossing his arms over his
chest, daring her to
contradict him
again.

Bayleigh swallowed hard and
studied Jack from across the room. She
couldn’t make it down the hall on her own, not unless she
crawled. Worse, he
knew it, too. He was
just waiting for her to try it.

“
Instead
of carrying me, could you just, maybe, let me lean on you or
something?”
The
rough whisper of his denim jeans
and
the ‘click’ of his boot heels on
the tiles
alerted her that he was on the
move
, but she wasn’t expecting him to be
right in front of her when she raised her head. She gasped, drawing
back.
Too close. He’s too
close!

His eyebrows drew together
and he took a step away from her. “Sorry.” He held his hand
out, palm
up.

She looked between his
outstretched hand and his face. He had such beautiful eyes, full of
concern for her. Jason had said she could trust him, and she
trusted her brother.

“
It’s ok,
Bayleigh. 
 
Believe it or not, I get it,”
his hand didn’t waiver.

With her heart pounding so
hard and fast in her chest she was sure he could hear it, Bayleigh
wiped her hand on her thigh. A slight tremble was still evident in
her fingers and she pressed her lips together as she placed her
hand in his, allowing him to ease her out of her chair. She wobbled
a bit as she stood and his hands dropped to her waist, causing her
body to tense.

“
Sweetheart, you are hell
on my ego,” a wry smile crossed his face as he stood
there.

She breathed in deep, her
senses overwhelmed with the subtle scent of his spicy cologne, the
warmth of his hands on her waist holding her. She couldn’t deny if
they’d met
before
, she’d have been all for the flirting. But now, she just
couldn’t let go of that all-consuming fear. The injustice of that
made her want to scream. Instead, she clenched her jaw and looked
up. Her determined gaze meeting his concerned one.

“
You sure you can walk?” He
raised an eyebrow as he removed his hands from her
waist.

“
I’m
fine. It’s just sore. I think…I…I shouldn’t have jumped out of the
cab like I did. Stupid mistake.” She grasped the hand he offered
with a tight grip, accepting his support. She could do this. She
had to do this.

“
I could have told you that
before
you jumped
out of the truck,” he lifted his eyebrows when she glared at
him.

By forcing herself to
ignore the pain radiating from her knee, she took the first step,
congratulating herself on having to use his arm as a crutch only a
little.
She couldn’t let him carry her
again, she didn’t think she could take another panic attack. That
was one of the things she’d neglected to fill Jason in on. She knew
Jack wouldn’t buy into the exhaustion theory if she did have
another one and she just wasn’t ready to tell him or Jason the
whole sordid story. Not yet.

There was also the whole
issue of what to do if they didn’t believe her, or understand what
she was going through and turned their backs on her. Like Will
had.

Her ex hadn’t understood,
she knew that much for certain. He’d blamed her for the whole
thing, never once admitting to his own failures that led to this
mess. He’d made the other band members choose between them, causing
her to quit the band and head home to Texas.

“Earth to Bayleigh.” Jack
squeezed her hands, bringing her attention back to him.

“
Sorry. I
was…” she looked around and realized she’d managed to make it all
the way to the bedroom and they were standing in front of the bed.
Her eyes darting between him, the bed and the door, she tugged her
hand free from his and took a step back away from
him.

Frowning as he let go of her hand, he
motioned to a door. “You have your own bathroom,” he scrutinized
the room. “I think you have everything you need. There’s extra
blankets in the closet, if you need any.”

“
Thank you.” She wrapped her
arms around her waist.

He turned, facing her once again. She
stiffened as he took a step towards her, causing him to stop and
take two steps backwards. Compassion shone in his eyes, along with
understanding as he again looked in her eyes. “I don’t know who
hurt you, pretty lady but you are safe with me. I promise you.” His
voice was soft and the words went straight to her heart, warming
the darkest recess of her soul.

He looked down at her fists briefly. “You are
safe here,” he repeated forcefully, as his eyes came back up to
meet hers. There was something else in his eyes; was it a flash of
desire? She took a ragged breath, and with a jerky nod blinked to
clear the tears.

He turned away and paused at the door, one
hand on the doorknob. “You need to rest. I’ll get your bags later.”
He hit the light switch as he stepped into the hallway, pulling the
door closed behind him, leaving her alone in the room, the only
light coming from the setting sun through the window.

As soon as his footsteps
faded down the hallway, she threw herself backwards on the bed and
covered her face with her hands. How many times in a day was she
going to embarrass herself in front of him? She’d gone
weeks
without a flashback
or panic attack. She had both within minutes, in front of
him.

And the look in his eyes. Was he interested
in her? It had been so long since anyone had looked at her with
anything but pity, she was afraid to read too much into it. But
what if he was interested? What was she supposed to do? Could she
push the panic down far enough to explore the attraction?

And for some strange reason,
she
trusted
this
guy. And not just because her brother had given his stamp of
approval, either. But what if he was like her ex, and found her at
fault for anything and everything? God, she should have never come
here. She should have taken Maddie up on the offer to hide in the
mountains, where she’d have been alone.

Other than her ex, Maddie
was the one person who Bayleigh had trusted enough to tell about
the panic attacks and nightmares. And he didn’t care. He blamed her
for the whole mess. Maddie had tried to get her to talk to someone
in the hospital, but Bayleigh just wanted to get her knee taken
care of and escape. She had hoped getting away from there
would allow her to just bury it and forget. But
even halfway around the world, the fears chased her.

As a tear slid down her cheek, she turned on
her side and curled into a fetal position and tucked her hand under
her cheek. She’d call Maddie later. Maybe she could still join her
in Kentucky, with her family. Once her knee recovered from this
little set-back and she’d seen her brother, she could leave and
keep running.