Learning to Drown (24 page)

“What, please. Lucas. Please,” I said.
As I said it, I pushed his hand to the sweats over the V of my thighs. Pressed
his fingers to the heat. “I’m hot,” I said, simply. I trusted him to know what
I meant. That it was my body that was haywire but my thoughts were clear. I
wanted him, but at the moment, my body felt a need for him. It made no sense
and yet, it made perfect sense.

“I wanted to put you in my clothes
because it felt like you’d be safer. Like I was taking better care of you,” he
said.

I nodded, understanding. He pushed his
hand, not nearly as hot as my own body, into my pants and touched me. Just a
fingertip. It was like a match being set to a pile of dry leaves. I shut my eyes,
sighing out how good it was. “I don’t know why. I just need—” I started.

“I understand. It’s an altered state
kind of thing,” he whispered to me. He pressed his rough cheek to mine, leaning
into me and said in my ear. “Everything is heightened. Everything is more
intense when your body's running on high alert.” He slipped a finger into me,
testing my pussy which was as wet as my skin was dry. He slid a second finger
into me and started to fuck me with his fingers in a slow even rhythm. His skin
seemed so cool to me. Refreshing, like pressing your head to a cool marble
countertop in August.

“Yes,” I said. “That’s it.”

“Does that feel good, Ember?” he said,
nipping my ear. The instant his teeth shut down on my lobe, my pussy clenched
tight around his fingers and I made a soft sound like I was crying again.

“I see it does.” He nipped me again. I
came. That fast, that easy. My cunt growing taut and slick around his fingers.
I came with a tiny whimper of gratitude and exhaustion.

“More,” I said. Not so much bold as
having nothing to lose. No shame in trying, I thought.

He tugged the loose sweats off of me
and moved me like his own little toy. Swung my leg over his lap and then sat me
there while he worked his belt and his zipper, freed his cock and watched me
watching him. How his hand slid along the shaft. How his thumb ran over the
slightly weeping tip. How good he looked touching himself. I swayed a little
and he moved me gently. “I’ll do all the work, honey. Don’t worry.” He laughed
but something in me had started to glow when he called me honey. And in the
kindness in his tone. And what sounded like true caring. And affection. And
love. But that last part had to be the fever talking.

He settled me over his cock and then
pressed up just enough to give me a taste. To set off all those nerve endings.
I gripped his shoulders, shaking with the heat in my body, shaking with the
need of him. Lucas kissed my neck and his hand found my breast, he tweaked my
nipple and I swallowed hard, my throat clicking. His hips arched up, driving
his cock deep into me, giving me no time to dally. I was full of him, holding
his shoulders, more tears. These coming from nowhere and having no reason
behind them. My body just wanted to cry. So it did.

“It’s okay. You can cry.” He fucked me
like he might break me. No ties, no bonds, no guard dogs, no brothers. He
simply moved up under me, thrusting deep and even so that each movement brought
its own stroke of pleasure until the building pleasure was too much and the
tipping point was reached.

“Lucas, Lucas,’ I said almost panicky.
“Lucas, Lucas, Lu–” until he kissed me quiet and I came. His fingers sank into
the flesh at my hips and with two more upward surges he came, his teeth pressed
to my shoulder as I shook and shivered in his arms.

He pulled back and stared at me. Those
mystical eyes studying me like I held some kind of secret. “Let’s get you
dressed and wrapped up on the sofa. I’ll find you a movie. Feed you.”

I was half asleep as he said it and
maneuvered me off his lap and wrapped me up. I was almost fully out by the time
he found an eighties teen flick on cable. The sounds of him in the kitchen so
comforting, I let the fever pull me under. I let the heavy sleep that only
comes with illness take me down.

He pushed two pills into my mouth and
I jerked awake. “Sorry. Thought you were already awake. You were looking at
me.”

I shook my head. Had I been looking at
him? I’d thought I was dreaming. “What’s this?”

“For the fever. Which is one hundred
and one. Too high for my taste. Truth be told, I think it’s a little bug
exacerbated by the stress of the last few days.”

“Stress? What stress?” It was my
attempt at a joke. I let him lift my head enough for me to sip off a straw.
“Ginger Ale. Yum. I’m lying. I hate ginger ale. No cola?”

“Caffeine,” he said and shook his
head. “Not good. Dehydrates you.”

“Nurse Crow,” I snorted.

“That’s Doctor to you, babe.” He sat,
pulled my head onto his lap. Lucas put his feet up on the coffee table and
crossed them, surfed through until he found a cooking show we’d discovered we
both liked “What the hell are they going to make with
that
,” he grumbled
when they revealed the ingredient list.

“A mess,” I said, drifting again
already. He offered me more soda and I took it. My body felt heavy and floaty
simultaneously. I felt the pleasant sore ache from having sex. I felt the
phantom touch of his fingers over my pulse from earlier. My body seemed to be
stuck somewhere in the middle of past and present. I heard the announcer on the
show. Heard Lucas crack a beer. Late afternoon, had to be. “Whassat?” I
managed.

“A beer. I’d offer you one but a) you
are loopy and b) again with the dehydration.”

I watched him read the cap. Study it
like a secret clue. “What?”

He shrugged. “Nothing. They put little
messages in their caps is all. Was just reading it.”

“Like a fortune cookie,” I said.

“More fun than a fortune cookie."
He ran his fingers through my unruly bangs. “There’s
beer
.”

I smiled. “Way more fun that a cookie.
What’s it say?” My tongue heavy, my head empty. I wanted nothing more than more
sleep. More sleep with my head in his lap and his fingers in my hair.

“It says
What exactly are you
waiting for?
”

I waited but Lucas didn’t comment.
“That’s nice,” I mumbled.

He laughed softly, brushing my bangs
back and then pulling them forward. The rhythm of his touch was lulling me to
sleep. “Yeah. You think?”

“What
are
you waiting for?” I
asked.

“I don’t know,” he said.

* * * *

Just what the fuck was he waiting for,
he wondered. He pushed his hand into the silken mess of her honey brown hair.
Curling one long piece around his finger he watched September breathe. She had
tried so very hard to be stoic. She had tried to show him that she cared and
that his gruffness and his past and his plain old stupidity wasn’t important to
her. He’d kept her at arms’ distance and she took it. Took it better than he
ever could have had the roles been reversed.

“So who’s the strong one, smart ass,”
he said. She tossed in her sleep and he stopped talking.

She was different. It was pretty much
time he stopped being afraid and angry and examined that fact. Every other
woman to come along since their father had died had been disposable. There were
some he’d liked and some he’d truly cared for but the thought of anything long
term had been ridiculous. The last thing he needed in this world was another
person to take care of. He had his hands full with himself and his little
brother. He didn’t need a woman.

Lucas let himself feel everything at
that moment. Stroking the smooth skin on Ember’s brow he realized why he had
actually put her in his own sweat pants instead of any of the clothes that he’d
bought her. Firstly, it felt more protective. Secondly, he wanted to care for
her–got angry when she wouldn’t let him, in fact. The simple fact that she had
already told him that she loved him and still let him struggle and flounder and
fuck up, and yet stuck around spoke volumes.

“I made you sleep in another room.” He
watched her. “That must have broken your heart.”

She said nothing. Simply hitched a sigh,
frowned, turned a little. The fever would break and they would talk. That would
be his chance. He’d come clean. Tell her how he felt and that is scared the
shit out of him. And if there were two things he’d never planned on doing it
was being scared again and being in love. He’d spent enough time scared as a
kid. Scared of his father, scared of failing Matthew, scared of fucking it all
up. And love had shown him that it was just another word for hurt. But he
wasn’t so sure that was the case with her. In fact, he knew it wasn’t.

So the only fear he was truly dealing
with was the fear he had of putting himself out there. Showing how he felt and
actually taking a chance on someone who seemed to have the magical ability of
making him feel happy.

Lucas bent his head and kissed her
softly. She mumbled something, snorted and he couldn’t help but laugh. When he
was calm about it, there really was no way he could not love her. He couldn’t
change how he’d been the last few days, but he could tell her the truth when
she woke up.

“Bed for you,” he said and picked her
up gently.

His cell phone bleated and her eyes
flickered open. Blue eyes the color of an autumn sky. Crisp and staggering and
gorgeous. “Phone,” she said.

“It’s my brother. He can wait. We have
to get you to bed.”

“Oh, what are we going to do to me in
bed?” Already her eyes drifted shut and he chuckled.

“Tuck you in and let you sleep.”

“But you won’t be there." She
frowned.

“I’ll come in in a bit. I have to chop
some wood for the fireplace and you need to sleep uninterrupted. When I’m
around you keep rousing yourself.”

“Because you’re sexy." She smiled
and a small snore following the words.

“You too, babe. Ditto on the sexy.
Your cell phone’s in your pocket if you should need me.”

His phone rang again when he was
putting his boots back on to go out into the yard. He’d call Matthew back after
he chopped some wood. He needed to get his blood moving, burn off some energy
and worry. Then he could deal with what was probably going to be a million
little issues from Matthew. Matty needed to grow up a bit and Lucas needed to
let go some. Maybe then he’d realize that he’d had room for September in his
life all along.

He was actually whistling while he
walked out to the shed. He tried to remember the last time he’d whistled sober
and couldn’t.

That girl. She did strange things to
him.

Chapter 28

“Sweet September.” I heard the
sing-song in my ear and tried to open my eyes, but I’d been down and out for so
long and so deep that it was a struggle just to focus on the words. Something
made my stomach sing with anxiety but I lost my grasp on it as hands scooted
under me, moving me.

“Now where?” I sighed.

“Home,” he said.

Home? His home? My home? Back to the
city? Had something happened with Matthew or was he simply done thinking now?
Had he made his decision and if he had what was it?
Should I stay or should
I go now?

I opened my mouth to ask him but he
said, “Shh, need to stay quiet now.” Something in his tone, in the words, in
the feel of him was off but the fever had my head confused and my body
exhausted. I put my head against his chest, feeling the bump and shuffle of his
steps across the floor. And then he took me out the side door to the small
patio outside the master suite. Why?

Gray daylight hit my face and I squinted,
smelling the wet wool smell of him. The cinnamon and suede scent that triggered
something. Finally, my brain connected, my eyes flew open and I was looking
right at Damien. I opened my mouth to yell for Lucas and Damien said, “Oh, even
sick you like your game? Okay, I’ll play.” And he clamped his hand over my
mouth to stifle my cry. “I didn’t think you’d be up for it, but who am I to
question you.” I shook my head but his big hand stayed clamped over my mouth.
He either truly thought we were playing, or he chose to believe it.

Damien dragged me to the car, my feet
touching the snow off and on. He’d parked far enough from the cabin that we
hadn’t heard his motor. How had he found me? How had he possibly found me? Then
I felt the cell phone bump my thigh through the oversized sweatpants pocket.
Probably from the phone, that I had only because Lucas had wanted me to know
that I was free to leave whenever I wanted. That I was there by choice. With
him by choice. And now I was being removed without a choice.

Something I used to crave, now I
feared.

Damien pushed me into the car and
snapped the seatbelt buckle over me. Then he hit the remote lock and scurried
to his side of the car. He hit unlock once more and got in. “I figured it out.
You had big, dark and gruesome come steal you and now I’m stealing you back. I
came to get you, Ember. And I know how to do it right now.”

“Damien." I struggled for air I
was so panicky.

“Shut up.”

“Damien, it’s not a game. I want you
to take me back.”