Learning-to-Feel (8 page)

I worked late one day, and when I got home, I knew Trent had been painting, I could smell it. I asked him if I was allowed to see what he was working on, but he denied me. "Maybe when it’s finished," he said, but I could see how me asking made him uncomfortable, and I realized whatever he was painting must be very personal to him.

I dropped the subject, for which he was undoubtedly grateful. I tried not to let it bother me. After all, what we'd been doing for the last two weeks was very fucking personal, but I pushed the matter to the back of my mind.

Work was busier. With a few days of sunshine, there were more broken bones, sprains, scrapes, cuts and falls, from visitors and hikers alike, out making the most of the good weather.

My last day before I left for the weekend in Boston, was a busy but good day. When the evening settled down and I grabbed a bite to eat, the Peters girl found me. I smiled politely, and she asked if she could sit with me. "Sure," I told her.

She blushed and she stammered. In the end, I think she avoided looking at me so she could maintain a decent conversation without getting that dazzled, far-off looked on her face. It still made me smile. I silently thanked God that Trent wasn't there to witness it.

"So, you're off tomorrow?" she asked cautiously.

"Yes. I can’t believe I’ve been here two weeks already," I told her as I finished my sandwich.

"It’s supposed to be another fine day tomorrow," she said, and I realized she was nervous. "I usually head down to Northport when the weather's good. I was thinking… I um, maybe…” she finished in a rush, “Ithoughtmaybeyoumightliketogo?"

Oh shit.

"Um, I can’t." I told her. "I’m heading back to Boston to pick up a few things I left behind. I’m leaving in the morning."

"Oh," she said quietly, and her disappointment was palpable.

"Maybe another time?" I said and immediately regretted the offer, but the intention was to let her down gently. She must have mistaken my awkwardness for regret, because she brightened a little.

"Okay," she said and smiled at the prospect of our future date. I stood and collected my lunch tray. Not game enough to make eye contact, I looked at the empty tray as i told her I was due back at work. Dani gave a little wave of her hand, "Bye, Nathan."

I busied myself with paperwork in the hope she wouldn't find me again, knowing that in a few short hours, I was off for four days and I was spending them all with Trent.

I’d never done anything like it. I’d never actually used time off for anything other than catching up on sleep. Now, I was hoping like hell we didn’t sleep much at all.

When I got home, I tried to hide how excited I really was. I knew Trent was enjoying whatever the hell it was between us, but I wondered what it meant to him. I knew the house painting was almost done and I wondered what that meant for us. I certainly didn’t want to ruin what time we had left together by talking about feelings and emotions, and risk scaring him away.

So I did the only logical thing - I said nothing.

I climbed the stairs to get myself changed, and Trent was cleaning up in the bathroom. "You know," I told him from the doorway, "if someone were to blindfold me and put turpentine and acrylic paints in front of me, I'd think it was you."

He grinned and dried his hands on the hand towel. "Mmm, I’m sorry, what were you saying? You said the word 'blindfold', and I had all sorts of wonderful images in my head. I didn't hear the rest of what you said."

I laughed and shook my head at him. I’d just taken my tie off, and it was still in my hands, so I decided to tease him a little. I lifted the tie to my eyes and asked him, "You mean, like this?"

"Don’t tempt me, Nathan," he said. His voice was husky. "Not sure if you're ready for that."

I raised my eyebrow at him. "I think you might be surprised what I’m ready for."

He looked at me for the longest time before he stepped close enough I felt the heat from his body. His eyes became darker, more intense, and his nostrils flared. He took the tie from my hands and covered my eyes with it, tying it off at the back of my head.

I was suddenly nervous, but excited, and I jumped when he took my hand, leading me out of the bathroom. "I’m walking you to your bedroom," he told me, and I followed him, willingly, keenly.

He stopped me, and I presumed we were in my room. His fingers left my hand, trailed up my arm and across my chest. He undid the buttons and slid my shirt off my shoulders, letting it fall to the floor. He pushed me backwards, and I felt the bed against the backs of my legs. "Sit," he commanded, and I did. He pulled my shoes and socks off and then said, "Stand up." His hands were undoing my pants, and he pushed my briefs down. As I stepped out of them, I could hear his breathing was as loud as mine.

"Now sit back down and scoot up the bed."

I couldn’t believe how intoxicating this was. How, at this point, I was pretty sure I'd do anything he told me to. I was so turned on, I could feel how hard and aching I was when I lay back on the bed, and I gave my dick a squeeze.

"No touching," Trent's voice startled me, and I could hear the rustle of his clothes coming off.

When he joined me on the bed, he hovered over me, starting at my feet, I knew he was naked. I just knew. He kissed his way up my thighs and nibbled my hips, ignoring my throbbing cock. He licked my navel, kissed and scraped his teeth along the lines of my body.

The sensation, without sight, was overwhelming. I felt everything. I heard everything. I reached out blindly for his face and fisted his hair, making him groan.

"Oh fuck, Trent," I whispered to him, "please, touch me."

He moaned and chuckled. "I am touching you," he murmured against my ribs.

And he was. His hands were rubbing over my chest, pinching my nipples, digging into my skin, but I needed him to touch me where I ached the most.

I didn’t care if I had to beg. "Touch me, touch my dick, please. Please…"

His knees were between my thighs and his hands were gone from my body. I heard the familiar click of the lube bottle, and he pushed my thighs further apart with his knees. I was suddenly very aware of our position, my vulnerability and my need.

I heard the slick sound of Trent rubbing the lubrication on his fingers and hands. I wondered if this was it, I wondered if we'd have sex, if he was about to fuck me. It scared me and excited me
.
But I knew I wanted it. I wanted it, and I needed it…

"Trent? Baby?"

Then his hands were on my cock. "Is this where you want me to touch you?"

"Yes," I rasped out.

"Fuck, have you got any idea how fucking hot you are right now?" Trent's voice was barely audible. "So fucking beautiful."

He gripped me harder, and I wished I could feel him. Blindly, I reached my hands out, but could only feel air.

"Whatcha lookin' for, baby?" he asked.

"I need to touch you," I told him. He leaned forward, resting on one arm, while his other hand pumped me.

I still couldn’t see anything, and it was so heightening. My hands found his face, I leaned up and kissed him, but after a few passes of my tongue he pulled away with a groan.

I lifted my thighs higher across his and raised my hips off the bed, thrusting my ass blindly toward his cock, and he moaned loudly.

"Oh Trent, please," I pleaded with him.

He squeezed my cock with his hand. His voice was so gravelly with desire. "Is this what you want?"

It felt so fucking good, but it wasn’t quite what I wanted. "I need to feel you…"

"Feel my hand on your cock, baby," he urged, "how good you feel in my fist."

I shook my head, because he didn't seem to understand what I meant. "I need to feel you inside me."

And his ministrations on my cock stopped. His breathing hitched and I wished I could see his face. I tried to pull the blindfold off my eyes, but his hand stopped me. "Leave it on," he said quietly.

"I want to see you," I told him.

But then both his hands were at the sides of my face, his fingers over my tie-covered eyes and his legs between mine. He was lying with his weight on me, all of him on all of me and it felt amazing. I felt his engorged length pressing against me and mine against him. Instinctively, I thrust into him, our lube covered cocks slid between our bodies.

"Oh, Trent," was all I could say before his mouth was on mine, and he was fucking my mouth with his tongue.

My hands ran along his back and pushed his ass into my hips as I pushed back up against him. My whole body shuddered
.
I was so fucking turned on. He was still kissing me like I’d never been kissed, and then he started thrusting his cock into mine, making us both groan.

His hands curled under my shoulders, and my arms were wrapped tightly around him. We rocked and thrust, and devoured each other. My whole body was on fire, every nerve set alight with need. My stomach warmed, and I knew I was about to come. "Trent," I warned him, "Oh, fuck…"

I flexed against him one last time, locking my legs around his and pushing myself against him so hard that when my cock throbbed and twitched, spilling between us, it made him groan. He bucked against me forcefully, drawing out my orgasm and beckoning his own.

He growled and groaned as he came, and I felt his hot come spurting on my stomach in time with his grunts. Finally he collapsed onto me, smearing our mess with our bodies. He sighed and chuckled into my neck. His breath was warm on my skin as he kissed my neck and shoulder
.
I pulled the tie from my eyes, my eyes taking a little while to adjust to the light.

Trent leaned up on his elbow and looked at me with a lazy smile and dreamy eyes. He was fucking beautiful, but his post-coital face was by far my favorite. "Come on, gorgeous," I said with a kiss to his swollen lips. "Shower with me."

He chuckled again but climbed off me and led the way. We walked to the bathroom, both of us naked, and Trent started the shower. He had his back to me while he tested the water, and I couldn’t resist running my hands from his lower back up to his shoulders and neck and into his hair.

I liked touching him, feeling his hard body against my skin. It wasn’t soft and supple like a woman's, it was hard, defined and masculine. And I liked it.

Trent stepped into the shower, waiting for me to join him. "Is that your thinking face?" he asked with a grin.

I smiled and nodded, joining him under the water, cleaning the cooled mess off my stomach and chest. "Just marveling at the male physique," I told him.

Trent laughed, putting his head under the spray of hot water, but he didn't say anything.

"Trent, can I ask you something?"

He looked at me curiously, still smiling.

I grabbed the body wash and started scrubbing at my arms, so my next question seemed nonchalant, though I felt anything but. "I thought, well," I paused. "Well, I was kinda hoping we'd have sex…?"

His smile faded, and his eyes widened, though he tried to hide it. His reaction didn't sit well with me. "Nathan…"

"I just thought, earlier, on my bed when you were between my legs… I couldn't see anything, but I heard the lube and thought for a second that maybe you were about to… I thought maybe… I was hoping…"

He was quiet, and wouldn't look at me. "Nathan, I don’t think you're ready for that."

Oh.

I was so new to this. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do, what was expected of me. I pulled his chin up, making him look at me. "When will I be ready?" My eyes flickered between each of his eyes, searching. "Trent? You'll tell me, won't you? When I should be ready? Because I feel like I’m ready."

Something flashed in his eyes, or maybe it was the steam and the water, I couldn’t be sure, but he nodded.

Then something occurred to me. "Do you need something else? Someone else... who's more experienced…?" I asked, even though the thought of him with someone else twisted my stomach.

His eyes darted to mine. His mouth fell open, and he shook his head. "Why? Why would you say that?"

I was quick to explain, "I just thought you might need
that
, and if I wasn’t ready…"

He smiled, kind of, and told me, "It’s fine, Nathan. What we're doing is pretty fucking great. Don’t rush anything. This is about you learning what you want."

Stepping back so I could see him more clearly, I told him, "It’s not just about me."

He chuckled, but it wasn’t exactly a humorous laugh. "I’m not exactly hard done by, Nathan. You've made me come every day since you got here."

But his words stung, and I knew it showed on my face. He looked… wrong. Sorry, remorseful and hurt, not the smiling Trent he normally was. But I couldn’t face him, so I stepped back under the water and put my head in the spray, closing my eyes.

He got out of the shower and asked, "Are we still on for Boston tomorrow?"

I cleared my throat and took a breath. "Yeah."

"Better go pack then. See ya bright and early," he said a little too cheerfully and left the bathroom. And I knew tonight I was sleeping alone.

Fuck.

By the time I got out of the shower, I was determined to be in this,
whatever the fuck it was
, for the fun of it, just like him. It was only physical for him. He practically just said so. I felt kind of stupid for thinking it was ever something different...

When I first decided to allow myself into this "
sexual learning
," as Trent just called it, I'd told myself to just
feel
.

I just wasn't expecting the
feeling
part to be a heavy ache in my chest.

CHAPTER 10

I lay in bed but sleep wouldn't come. My mind was replaying everything that had happened since I got here. When I met him, my reaction to him – my first real reaction to anyone, and to a man, no less. My decision to allow myself to feel, whatever the hell he made me feel, and his decision to join me.

I recalled how he'd repeated my words,
"I’m in this too, whatever the hell it is."

But at no point, not once, did he ever say his heart was in it.