Left to Love (The Next Door Boys) (25 page)

“How can you be sure?” I asked. I couldn’t be without Andy. Couldn’t.

“I just know. Haven’t you had times when you just
knew
something?”

I nodded. “The first time, as soon as treatments were over, and they said I had no more cancer I knew I was done.” I paused. “And now here I am.” The thought crushed me again. I closed my eyes and tried to take a few slow breaths. Crying didn’t feel like an option.

“Oh.”

“I don’t trust that voice anymore.” I paused. “So, that’s my something I needed to tell you.” It all crumbled on me, saying that thought out loud. It had never completely had a chance to formulate into a thought in my head. My chest caved.

“Because you haven’t told anyone else.”

“Right.”

“Hey, did you see that new cartoon? T
he one with that red-haired girl
?” Her regular smile came back, just like that. Once again, my day passed surprisingly quickly.

- - -

Brian pulled out his dog tags in the car on our way home.

“Check it out, Leigh. We’re
at
the halfway point!” He showed me the place where he’d moved the small bracket over.

“Yeah.” Halfway just seemed like this was all happening depressingly slow. We rode together in silence.

“You’re very quiet,” he noticed.

“I’m always quiet after a day like today.” That felt true enough. I wanted to pray for Andy, but it felt like my prayers were ineffective. The quiet voice wasn’t talking to me, and I didn’t know why.

“This is a different quiet.”

“Can’t help you there. Sorry,” I lied.

“When you’re ready to talk, let me know.” He put his hand on my thigh and gave me a small squeeze. He didn’t believe me.

“I’m worried about what you’ll think of me.”
More like ashamed.

“Don’t.”

I thought for a while, unsure of how to begin. “I felt a sense of dread coming into all of this, because I knew what I was getting into. Now I feel like things are slipping. Megan and Jaron are having a baby, Josie’s getting married and moving away, our future is a little uncertain.” So much, and not just so much, but it felt like everything was changing.

“What’s uncertain about our future?” Brian asked.

“I don’t know—
j
obs and where we’ll live. T
hat kind of thing.”

“But
we’re
good.”

“Yes.” I answered. That felt good to say. “We’re good. But it makes me realize how dependent I am on you.”

“And that’s a good thing, right?” he asked. “I’m dependent on you, on you being close to me and wanting me there.”

“Well, I guess so. But the other night? I mean, you’ve worked that job since I’ve known you. It’s never bothered me before and that night I just had to see you.”

“And I liked it very much.” His hand rubbed my leg a few times.

I stopped for a moment. “Andy asked me today if there was ever a time when I knew something. Really, really knew it. Do you know what I thought of?”

“Hm?”

“After my treatments last time, I went in for my doctor’s appointment and they told me it was gone, all of it. I knew right then that I’d never have to worry about it again. I knew. I knew I was cured.”

“And now here you are.” Understanding kicked in. I watched him fall.

“And now here I am,” I said back quietly.

He drove silent for a few minutes, thinking. “Did it ever occur to you that’s what you needed to hear just then? So you could get better? What if you felt like it was going to come back a year later, what would you have done?” he asked.

I hadn’t thought of that. “It’s just hard to trust a voice that once led you astray.”

“Don’t you see, Leigh? If it made you well enough to do it the second time, it didn’t lead you astray. It told you you’d be okay so you lived your life like you’d be okay.” He stopped for a moment. “It brought you to me.” He reached out and touched my face. “And it made you strong. You saw Joseph and met your niece and nephew. It brought you Nathan.”

“Almost.”

“What do you mean almost?”

“I mean, I’m not sealed to him.
We haven’t adopted him.
He’s not mine.”

“Well, why don’t we see if we can fix that?”

“What?” That was a dead end road.

“Nathan is due for a visit to his mom. I was thinking sometime over his Christmas break but that sort of escaped me. Let’s wait until you’ve had almost
the full two weeks to recover and then we’ll head out.”

“There’s no way she’ll sign all that stuff we need her to sign. You’ve already tried.”

“She might.” He exhaled. “I’ve left her alone about it for a while. Maybe the reality of her situation has hit her and she’ll change her mind.
I still think I can gain full custody without her.
”

“You’ve been thinking on this.”

“I’ve been thinking on this since the day I told you I loved you.”

And that was the best thing he could have said.

- - -

The week began to pass in a haze of wretchedness. I had two days in a row like Christmas Eve, maybe more. Brian paced and once again threatened hospital. He begged for something to do to make me more comfortable. There was nothing to do.

Mom barely stayed on top of laundry and food. I alone kept her pretty busy. Brian helped, of course, but I needed someone almost constant
ly. In the middle of all that—
of being so weak I could hardly mo
ve and constantly throwing up—
time meant nothing. The days of horribleness crawled by. When the weekend came along, I’d been able to keep down a little frozen yogurt and some shake. The whole week.

All I did was suck the time and energy out of everyone around me.

TWENTY-TWO

Prison

I rested my feet on the dash. Brian had finally relented
and let me come, so
I sat outside the women’s prison while he and Nathan went inside. I wanted to see my parents at their house anyway. I felt hole
d up in mine most of the time, and there was still
this desperate need to be close to Brian. He understood, so
t
here I sat. 

I was bored, but didn’t mind too much. At least there was something to look at. I got out of the car and stretched. It felt good after the long drive. They stepped out of the doors after an hour or so, and Brian looked slumped over, defeated.

“I tried. Sorry, Leigh.” He shrugged and held the small folder with the papers he and Dad printed off.

“Give me those.” I stretched out my hand.

“What?” He stopped walking.

“Let me try. I’ll be right back.” At this point, I didn’t really see what it could hurt.

“You want to go in there?” Brian opened his mouth to protest further, I wasn’t going to hear it.

“Nope.” I smiled. “But I’m going to.” We were all on the visitation paperwork. I could go in.

“Please be careful w
ith yourself. You’re probably mo
re tired than you realize after that long
drive.” He started to follow me, but I kept walking,
papers in hand, determined to move things forward.

I’d never been in a prison before. I checked myself in on the roster. They’d had my name on file since Brian proposed, just in case Brian couldn’t bring Nathan.

I don’t think Brian thought I’d ever actually use my ability to come in. I followed a guard into a small room. The door closed behind me, and we waited for several minutes before the door in front of us opened.  I was in jail, no going back now. Not without the same process.

I stood at the edge of large room that looked like a cafeteria. I wondered what kind of prison had a small table with a glass separation and small phones, it’s actually sort of what I expected. Instead, we were all in here together.

The prisoners were easy to pick out, all of them dressed in blue. I was led to a chair at a table and given a sheet of the rules. No touching, no passing items back and forth without previous approval etc…

I’d never met her before. I’d seen a few pictures, but I wasn’t even sure if I’d recognize her. What was I
thinking
?

I did recognize Amanda as she got close. She was pretty, despite looking tired. She had a bit of a sulky look on her face and bright blond hair that was swiftly growing out, exposing the brown roots underneath.

“Wow. So he wasn’t lying.” She said as she sat down, giving me the once over.

“What?”

“I just figured that he was lying when he said his new wife had cancer.” She chewed on her gum and shrugged unapologetically.

“Maybe I just shaved my head.” I looked at her evenly.

“No, it’s more than that. You look sick.” There was something juvenile about her movements, like the surly teenager checking out her mom’s new friend.

“Thanks.”

“So, you came in all by yourself to meet the ex-wife.” She s
mirked, her thin cheeks pale from being inside all the time.

“Something like that.”

“I’m not giving up my son.”

“I wouldn’t either.” I stopped for a moment. I didn’t know what I should say to her. We sat and stared at each other in silence.

“Brian’s changed a lot since we were married.” She looked at me evenly.

“I bet he h
as.” We both still watched each
other carefully.

“He was a disaster, all we did was go out and party and then when Nathan came along, he was completely clueless. I’d send him to the store and he’d come back with the weirdest things.”
She rolled her eyes and leaned
back in her chair chewing her gum, trying hard to look like she didn’t care.
But she watched me too close for me to buy that.

I smiled a little. “I remember him saying once that when he came home the simplest stuff was
overwhelming.”