Left to Love (The Next Door Boys) (23 page)

“My favorite part of the story is in Luke where it shows Mary’s understanding a little better. She knew she’d be taken care of.” That part always hit me. Every year.

Something passed between us then. We were talking about us, our story.

“And Mary knew.” Brian’s deep eyes penetrated mine.

“I’ll be okay.” My safe answer. The one where I didn’t have to lie and he could be comforted.

He breathed out slowly. “What if I’d talked to your brother and knew your definition of okay and mine weren’t the same?” His eyes didn’t waver. His lips pressed together and then his chin wavered when I didn’t have an answer for him.

I looked down—
safe answer lost. My heart sank and Brian felt it. He almost lost his composure for a moment, I could hear it in his shaky breath. He gently put his hands on my face and looked at me. “I want to know what you know, Leigh. I want to know what you feel when you pray.”

He wanted answers, any answers. I had none.

“I don’t know. I don’t know anything! I feel like I’m swimming in the dark this time.” Tears began to fall. “I’m afraid to listen to anything. I’m afraid it’ll be something I don’t want to hear or that I’ll be told something that just isn’t going to happen.” It took me a few moments to breathe enough to continue. “I love you guys too much. I’m too clouded.” I fe
lt desperate for answers, but had none, and
was afraid to look for them.

Brian tried gently to move us closer together, but we were already close. We sat in silence for a while, listening to the happy noises of Nathan playing with my parents in the next room.

“I’ve looked up to
you
since we met,” he said.

The weight on my chest grew. “I’m sorry I’m letting you down.”

“No, no, no,
” Brian backtracked. “You’re not letting me down, Leigh. That’s not where I was going with this. I wanted to say that it’ll come back.
The way you
knew
things before. It’ll come back.
”

He reached out and touched my face again. “Maybe all you need to do right now is to find ways to feel the Spirit. Don’t look for answers, just look for ways to
feel
good.” He touched the center of my chest with his hand.

I thought about that for a moment. So simple. “See?” I smiled but didn’t move to look up to him. “This is what it means to preside over our home and receive revelation for our family.”

He breathed out. “I don’t feel worthy of being able to do any such thing for you.”

“Well, get over it.” I smiled. “That’s the most
effective tool used against us—making us feel like we’re not worthy of good things.
” I stopped, thinking. “I’m realizing right now how much I need you.” It was all hard for me to admit.

“I love you.”

Brian slid his fingers up and down my back. I trusted him. Really, really, trusted him. My eyes closed and my head slid down in comfort. Even though I’d just woken up, my body was pulling me back under.

- - -

I slowly opened and read each letter from Christmas. I stopped when I got to Megan’s.

             
Leigh,

I wanted to start off by saying I think this idea from you and your dad was a good one. You have intimidated me since the first day I met you. You always do things with such confidence and you always look so good. It’s like your outside really is a
reflection of how strong and amazing you are. I was terrified when Jaron asked me out. I had liked him for a while by then, it just took me a while to realize it. Remember when I was bawling my eyes out on the couch because my missionary was finally home and then we broke up? I realized when I was around him that I didn’t feel the same things as I did around Jaron and I didn’t have any idea if Jaron felt the same.

I thought about asking you but I was so worried that you’d disapprove. I don’t know if you noticed or not, but when you did the wedding dresses, I kept my two younger sisters away as much as possible. I was worried you’d think less of me because of them. They really can be obnoxious. Jaron just laughed at me when I’d suggest that you might not be thrilled with us getting together.

It’s been fun getting to know you, Leigh. I want you to know that I really do want us to be close, not just because I married your brother, but because we could be great friends. Now I’m worried you’ll think that I don’t think of you as a friend and I really do. I’m sure there are days when you don’t feel like you’re handling all this mess of yours well, but you are. I just wanted you to know that I’ve always looked up to you.

Please, please, if you ever want me to just come over and keep you company or if you want Brian out of the house for a while, call me. I’m a minute away and would love the time with you,

Megan Tressman

PS – I’ll never get tired of using that last name!
             

I couldn’t imagine being intimidating to anyone, especially not Megan. I made a mental note to call her soon and have her over. We wouldn’t live next door to one another forever.

TWENTY

Raising the Bar

“What’s up, Caroline?” Brian
said when he
answered his phone. “Like, walked out quit?” He paused for a moment. “Yeah, I mean the money would be nice, but I don’t really want to be away from home that much over the next few days… No, I wouldn’t make anyone do it by themselves… What’s Mitch doing about it?” Another short pause. “Okay, well, thanks for the heads up, we’ll see you tonight then.” And he hung up. “Wil walked out, so they’re short staffed at work. I’m going to be busy for the next few days until Mitch finds someone else.”

“Who’s Caroline?” I felt a twinge of something I’d never felt with Brian before.

“One of the bartenders.”

“Oh.” I realized that I hadn’t paid much attention to that job. The whole thing made me a little uncomfortable. It had been simply short hours for good money. I knew girls hit on him there; he’d joke about it sometimes. It was somehow different that he worked with one. I felt upset for getting caught off guard.  “I’ll call Josie to babysit tonight.” I tried to sound teasing to mask the jealousy that I felt.

“Sorry, Leigh.” He cocked his head to the side and rested his hand on my cheek.

- - -

“So, I have news,” Josie said smiling as she sat down on the couch with me.

I waited.

“Well, you know I’m eighteen and I’m done with school. I finished last semester. Anyways, I’m getting married and we’re moving to Cedar City because he has a scholarship at SUU and I’m so excited!”

I had no words, no thoughts, only shock. The pause must have been longer than it felt.

“He’s a good guy, Leigh. Don’t react like that.” Her brows pulled together, probably concerned that I wouldn’t approve.

“It’s just so sudden, isn’t it?” I tried to recover.

She shrugged. “I mean, kind of, but we grew up together. I wrote him on his mission and when he got back a few months ago, we started seeing each other.”

“Wow.” It seemed like she couldn’t possibly be old enough for that.

“And before you start, I can spare you the lecture. We’ve both prayed about it a lot and I feel really good and I’m really happy and I think, honestly, my parents will be relieved to have me taken care of.”

“Wow,” I said again. “So, you’ll be moving away, just like that.”

“Just like that.” She smiled. “We’re getting married in Salt Lake. I know it will probably be too much for you to come, but I promise to write and tell you everything.”

“Well come here.” I reached my arms out for a hug. “Don’t forget all of us.”

“Impossible.” She threw her arms around me, but it felt like in a lot of ways she’d already left.

Or maybe that was just me.

- -
-

Brian walked softly into our room sometime in the middle of the night.

“I’m sorry to wake you,” he said as I rolled over.

“I’m used to it.” I paused. “Josie’s getting married.” I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it.

“Oh, yeah. The bishop’s kid.”

“You knew?” I asked.

“Well, they’ve been sitting together at church. I guessed something was going on.”

“She just seems so young, and I’ll miss her.” I wondered if Brian would understand. Did I understand why it made me feel a little sad?

“Well, she was old enough for you to work with her.”

“It’s just weird.”

“You’re a funny girl, Leigh.”

It made everything feel temporary, Josie leaving. Jaron and Megan wouldn’t always live next door. Shoot, they were about to have a baby. Brian and I might be moving sometime soon. I didn’t want anything to change right now. I sighed and rolled back over.

“You okay?” Brian asked.

“Yeah. I’ll miss her, that’s all. It feels like a lot
is changing.” I didn’t know what other answer to give him. He put his arm around me and ran his hand up and down my arm slowly to help me fall back asleep.

- - -

I wasn’t ready to go to bed yet. Brian was at work
again
. I’d insisted that I didn’t need Josie. Nathan had gone to bed early so I sat on the couch alone and wishing Brian’s warmth was with me. It didn’t feel weird not having him here during the day, but to be here without him at night was getting harder, not easier. He’d had this schedule since I’d met him. At least on Friday and Saturday nights – Brian was busy.

Maybe if I just talked to him for a minute. Maybe that would make me feel better. Calling him there was a bit difficult because the bar was always noisy, but a little bit of Brian was better than none at all. His phone cut straight to voicemail. I sat on the couch chewing my lip. I didn’t know what to do. Well, I couldn’t really do anything. But as I sat and thought about him, I started to feel almost desperate to see him.

Maybe I could just pop in and say hi. I’d be lying if part of my motivation didn’t have something to do with the girl he worked with. Mostly I felt uneasy, like things were sliding underneath and around me, and I didn’t know how to make it stop. I felt okay, no nausea, and no dizziness. It had been forever since I’d been behind the wheel of a car by myself. The independence would feel good.

I sent Jaron a text to ask for his car, and help watching a sleeping Nathan. Then I started getting ready. Definitely a wig occasion. I was not going to be
the bald girl at the bar.