Left to Love (The Next Door Boys) (4 page)

“I can’t imagine that she has a leg to stand on,” Brian continued. “I was hoping to talk to your dad about it today. We were only a step away from stripping her parental rights when she was arrested. The court doesn’t look favorably on someone leaving their kid home alone for days at a time. Repeatedly. Not a five year old, anyway. Now that she’s incarcerated… I can’t imagine it’ll be hard.”

“Brian, I don’t like the idea of forcing it. It feels like stealing, like kicking someone when they’re down. I wouldn’t feel good about going to the temple that way. I figured since the beginning we’d have to convince her to sign a few things.”

Brian’s hands tightened on the steering wheel. “She won’t do it.”

“You never know, let’s see what my dad has to say, maybe it won’t be as hard as we’re thinking.” No matter what, it was likely to be a big drawn out mess that we were going to have to spend some time on our knees over.

- - -

After going all the way to Portland from Salt

Lake, the four hours to St. George was nothing. I climbed
out of the car and stretched. I felt a pain go through my left side and I breathed out hard, rubbing my stomach.

“Okay?” Brian asked.

“Yeah, just sitting too long.” And then I smiled at him and put my hands on his waist. “That and there might be a few things my body isn’t used to doing…”

He pulled me into him and held me for a moment. “Please behave yourself at your parent’s house, it’s embarrassing.”

“Afraid they’ll think you’re a bad influence?” I teased.

“No.” He shook his head. “Just that if I had a daughter, I probably wouldn’t want to think about her honeymoon.”

“Daddy! Leigh!” Nathan came out of the house like a rocket to greet us.

“Nathan!” I got down to his level to give him a proper hug. Once his arms were around me, my heart ached, realizing how much I’d missed him. He was his dad in miniature. Same brown hair, same deep eyes.

“Are you two staying?” Mom asked as she walked out onto the drive.

“Just one night, we have mutual tomorrow night,” I said.

“
We’re making the teens switch
roles.” Brian laughed. It had been his idea. The boys were cooking and the girls were working on cars.

“Did you two have a nice time?” She looked at me a little sideways. My cheeks heated up, completely embarrassed at what she might be implying.

“Yes, Mom. W
e had a great time. Thanks for keeping Nathan with you. I’m sure he had a blast.”

“Well, he wore us old people out, that’s for sure.” She looked over at Brian. “Did you enjoy Seattle? I know how much Leigh misses it.”

He opened his mouth, but nothing came out. He didn’t know how to answer. Fortunately Dad came out and saved him from the conversation.

“Actually,
I asked if we could just go home. So, we went home.”

“And that was okay?”

“That was perfect.” I couldn’t help but look back at my new husband talking with Dad. It had been perfect.

“Tom, I’d like a few minutes if you have it to talk about the custody issues with Nathan?” Brian said. Then his eyes met mine. “Maybe you and Nathan could hang out for a few.”

“Let me show you what I did, Leigh!” Nathan ran into the house. Mom followed.

I was confused. I wanted to help. My dad had been helping Brian since the beginning of the whole mess, but now that we were married, I should be involved, too. How did Brian not understand this?

He must have understood the look on my face. “This isn’t your fight, Leigh. I’ll just be a few minutes.”

“But we’re married now, Bri. I want to do things
with
you,” I insisted.

He shook his head. “It’s not your fight. It’s me cleaning up my mess.” He reached out and briefly touched my arm before following Dad into the house. It felt like a dismissive gesture. I felt left out and more than that, I was surprised. It was the first time that Brian hadn’t done everything he could to make me feel a part of his life. I was hurt but didn’t want to show it, not in front of Mom.

“Come on, Leigh!” Nathan ran back out and pulled on my hand.

I followed him upstairs.

“This is my very own drawing book, just like Dad’s!” He picked up a spiral sketch notebook that my parents must have bought.

“That’s great, Nathan.” I wondered how Dad and Brian were doing.

I sat with Nathan, but couldn’t force myself to pay attention. I tried to nod and smile at all the right times as he showed me his drawings.

“Nathan! You ready to go see your mom? We have to hurry or we’ll miss the visiting time!” Brian yelled up the stairs.

At least we’d have some more time in the car together. Not that we could talk much with Nathan there, but it would be something. I came down the stairs and followed them outside.

“We’ll be back before you know it, Leigh.” Brian smiled as he gave me a hug and a kiss on my cheek.

“I thought I was going,” I whispered. My chest sank, caved.

“What would you do?” He kept us close, our heads together.

“I don’t know.”

“Coming in wouldn’t be a good idea, especially because of what I need to talk to her about. Your dad printed off all the paperwork she’ll need to sign. I really don’t like the idea of you sitting in the parking lot of the prison.”

“I want to be
with
you,” I took his hand in mine.

“I’m sorry, Leigh. We’ll be back in time for bed.”

I felt our hands slide apart, and it seemed significant. I stood back and watched my two boys drive away. It hurt. They suddenly didn’t feel any more like my boys than they had a month ago.

I stood in the driveway for a moment not sure what to do with myself. “Mom, can I borrow your car? I need to hit the fabric store,” I called into the house. Something needed to occupy my brain and pass the time.

“Sure, hon,” she called as she walked back in the house. “They keys are in it.” My parents were the only people in the world who always left their keys in their cars, and yelled out about doing it.

- - -

I walked through the racks of fabrics hoping that something would jump out at me, but nothing did. Nothing gave me the relief I wanted from my train of thought. I wanted something to grab me and force my brain to start forming it into a project in my head. It didn’t happen. I gave up and headed back to my parents.

Mom had dinner waiting. We sat by the pool to eat. I had no idea what to say about my week. I didn’t want to let on that I’d gone to see Joseph, but I didn’t want to lie either. Talking about what Brian and I did together was also not the best topic.

I really didn’t want to talk about the custody issues, and the fact that my new husband had just left me with my parents to visit
his
ex-wife with
their
son. I ate, more to ward off questioning looks from Mom than hunger.

I helped Mom with dishes, ran upstairs, changed into my swimsuit, and hit the pool.

The water smoothed me out, relaxed my muscles and my brain. I lay on my back and allowed my body to go limp.

I was probably being too sensitive about Brian and Nathan leaving. So what if Brian wanted to handle things on his own? He was doing it for both of us. It shouldn’t be a big deal. But I couldn’t help but wonder if our ideas about my relationship with Nathan were the same. I loved that kid, it was such a different kind of love from the love I had for Brian, but it ran just as deep. I’d do anything for him. I wanted desperately to be his mom, but he alr
eady had one.

Brian’s reluctance to let me talk with him and Dad made me wonder if he really trusted me with Nathan the way I wanted him to.

I had to admit that it hurt more because we were so newly married. Part of me expected to get my way with everything, for the first little while anyway. I laughed at myself over that thought. I started to swim, instead of float, back and forth across the pool. I lost track of time, and I lost track of laps. It got dark, but the air was still hot against my
exposed skin.

“Hey there.” I heard Brian’s voice on the side of the pool. “Nathan’s in bed.”

I stood up
, unsure of
how to react to him or whether to say anything about how I felt. I took in his face and knew that I didn’t want any kind of argument. If he felt like he wanted to handle things, I’d just try to support him in it… probably. “How did it go?”

His expression immediately changed. That said it all. “Not well. She was mad. As soon as I brought it up she pretended like I wasn’t there, and she didn’t say another word to me. I guess that’s better than her pitching a fit in front of Nathan, though they’d have probably taken her away if she had.”

“Sorry.”

“No,
I’m
sorry. I’m supposed to be fixing this for us.” He ran his hand through his short hair and stared down at the water. “The paperwork is in for me to get sole custody, Leigh. All we’d need to do is add your adoption paperwork on top of that. Nathan doesn’t want to go there anymore, and I can’t blame him. I’m not sure what to do about that either.”

I shook my head. “I don’t want to take him that way, and it’s not just your job anymore.”

He shook his head. He didn’t agree. “No, this is my mess, I need to fix it.” His eyes met mine. “Mind if I join you?”

“Not at all.” I needed some contact to ease the tension in my chest. I’d save this conversation for later, unless I went back to my earlier thought and let him handle it on his own. He stripped off his t-shirt and climbed into the water. I forgot about our disagreement.

“I love that suit.” He smiled as he looked down at me.

I wore the two-piece that my mother hated. I loved it – wide stripes of white alternating with rainbow colors. He rested his hands on my hips, and we smiled at each other. Never in my whole life did I think that the simple act of someone touching me would bring so much joy.

“It brings back happy memories for me,” he said, “and some sad ones as well.”

“Like?”

“Like seeing so much of you and wondering if I’d ever be able to touch you like I am now.” He pulled me closer and we got lower in the water until it covered our shoulders. “Like seeing those scars on you for the first time.” He traced the red lines on my stomach with his finger. I looked down through the water. They were the scars that started my year of ovarian cancer, and were a mark of the reminder that I wouldn’t get to have my own kids.

“It made me realize what you’d been through, and I remember thinking how unfair it all was. Of all the people in the world to have to go through that, it just didn’t seem right. It made my problems with Amanda seem trivial.” I suddenly knew what day he was talking about. Nathan had asked me about my scars. We’d been swimming in the pool together when Brian walked out.

I remembered seeing the distracted look on his face, which I’d assumed was all for Nathan. Knowing some of that concern had been for me, forced my arms more tightly around him.