Left to Love (The Next Door Boys) (9 page)

“Like in
two
days
Thursday?” I asked.

“Like in two days Thursday.”

“Doesn’t it take way longer than that just to get approval for insurance and stuff?”

“Your parents set up a cash account with your doctor in St. George. The information was transferred with your medical records when you moved up here. The purpose was to not delay treatment if it was necessary, and we’ve been checking you so this came in pretty fast.”

“Um… okay.” I hadn’t known you could do something like that. I’d definitely have to call Mom. They’d already promised to keep paying for my health insurance while Brian or I was in school. It felt like a lot, but there was no way we could do it on our own.

“You need to check in at six in the morning. I’ll try to get to you first.” He exhaled. “I’m sure you’ll want to be back home as soon as you can.”

“You are correct.” But then I though about Brian and Nathan and all that would need to be done for me. I looked over at Brian. “But…”

“Your mom
will come up. Don’t worry about anything.” Brian put his warm hand on my shoulder.

“Okay, well, Leigh, we’ll see you Thursday morning.” He reached out and shook both our hands before leaving the room.

I wanted all of this to disappear. To not happen. To not
be
happening. I slumped back, and closed my eyes while Brian gathered our things.

“Leigh.” I felt his hand softly touch my leg as I laid on the table.

The first tears escaped through closed lids.

He sat on the edge of the table, reached his arms around me and pulled me into his chest. Things would be okay if I could just keep this. Brian’s arms and the way they made the world disappear.

- - -

“He sent you out to ask if I wanted you to know everything,” I said when we were driving home. I’d curled into a ball in the passenger’s seat.

“Oh.”

“I told him yes. I just wanted you to know.”

“Thank you, Leigh.” He squeezed my hand.

I think we were both numb from shock. We didn’t talk after that. Sometimes there’s so much to say that no one knows how to start. He was thinking about me I could tell because once in a while he’d squeeze my hand or let go of me for a moment to touch my shoulder or my face. I was partially in shock, and partially dreading what I knew was coming.

When we pulled into the driveway, I took out my phone and dialed Mom.

“Hey Leigh!” I heard her happy voice on the other end. “It’s nice to hear from you.”

“Yeah. Hey, Mom.” I paused and there was silence on the other end. She’d known me for too many years to not understand the tone of my voice. “I was at my doctor’s today. He’s doing surgery this Thursday.”

I heard a small noise at the other end and silence. That was
the sound I knew was coming—t
he sound of my mom’s heart breaking again. She took a long, deep breath. She had a lot to process in a few
moments. Things weren’t the same. I was married.
We lived in different places. And her daughter had
cancer, again.

I heard another deep breath and then her voice sounded surprisingly normal. “You know I need something to do, Leigh. How can I help?”

“I’d love it if you’d come up. Nathan’s in school, but I’ll be in the hospital for a couple of days and we have to be there before he gets up on Thursday morning.”

“I’d love to come
and stay with Nathan. I’ll drive up tomorrow, okay?”

“Thanks, Mom.” I paused. “I’m sorry.” I’m sorry you’ll have to do this again with me. I’m sorry you have a sick daughter. I’m sorry this whole situation feels completely out of control.

“No, I’m sorry that you...” but she didn’t know how to finish. “Brian is a good man. He’ll take good care of you, Leigh.”

“Yeah.” I looked over at him in the driver’s seat. We hadn’t moved from the car.

“Love you, Mom.”

“Love you.”

I didn’t want to get out. Like if I walked inside our little home and our happy life with an actual
quasi-
diagnosis, it would become real. It would become a part of our lives. Like a black trail would follow me, and taint the happy world around us.

“I’m calling your brother.” Brian broke the spell and climbed out.

“What for?” I knew I’d have to tell him sooner
or later, but I was hoping for later.

“I think you should have a blessing.” He came around to my side and led me into the house.

He was right. “Okay. Call Jaron.”

I sat down, and Brian walked back to the porch. He walked inside in less than a minute. He sat down and held me close
. I had nothing to say
.

My last round of treatments had finished up a year and a half ago. With all of the praying I’d done during that time, when they couldn’t see any more signs of cancer, I knew I’d been cured. I knew it was over. I knew it was something I’d never have to worry about again. I’d
felt
it. I didn’t understand. As the thought sunk in, part of me felt betrayed.

“What’s up?” Jaron asked as he came through the door. It took him less than a second to process the mood in the room. “What’s going on?” He asked more quietly.

I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out.

Brian took over. “We just came from Leigh’s doctor. They’re doing surgery on Thursday.”

“
This
Thursday?” Jaron’s voice was still quiet. “So, it’s bad?”

Brian sucked in a breath. “We don’t have numbers. Not yet. But she’s strong. She’ll be okay.” I wondered if Brian was trying to convince himself or me.

“I’m sorry, Leigh.” Jaron’s eyes didn’t leave mine. “What can I do?”

“I need your help to give her a blessing,” Brian answered.

“You ready?” Jaron asked.

“No, for none of it,” I answered honestly. I felt shaken, all through.

“Perfect.” Jaron smiled, trying to dispel the tension. “I guess we’re ready to begin.” He rubbed his hands together as if in anticipation.

I sat and watched them prepare as I remembered my father preparing when I was growing up. The routine felt good. Jaron pulled out his oil and Brian got a chair from the dining table. Everyone was quiet. The boys were preparing to receive revelation and I was preparing to internalize whatever Heavenly
Father had to say to me. I got up and took my place in the chair. Jaron and Brian stood behind me.

Something passed between them, and I felt the weight of their hands on my head. I heard my brother speak the words I’d heard so many times through my life. Then it was Brian’s turn. He paused for a long time. I cou
ld hear him breathing slowly—p
ausing to make sure he said what needed to be said. When he spoke his voice was soft and strong.

“Leigh.  You are so loved. You have to know how loved, it will be crucial to have your willingness to do what needs to be done over the next months.

Don’t be afraid to lean on those around you, use
those that will be used. Have trust in your Father in Heaven who is so mindful of you and so proud of the decisions you’ve made in your life. Trust your doctors and the people who will dedicate their time to helping you to get better. There is a place for you…” Brian’s voice broke, “in Heavenly Father’s kingdom and there’s a place for you on earth. Know these things, know your strength…” Brian stopped for a moment. He was waiting for something else, or wishing. He finally let out the last of his air, “in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.”

His hands went from my head to my shoulders. He still stood behind me. I could see Jaron move slightly and put
his arm around Brian
.

“You did good, Bri.” He patted him on the back. “I’m going to leave you two. You know where to find me. I’ll meet Nathan at the bus, and you can come get him at bedtime.” He leaned down, kissed me on the head, and walked out the door.

It was too much, everything piled on top of me, what I’d be facing, what Brian would have to go through. I had no idea how to protect Nathan. I felt the first sob hit me, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop them from coming.

“Oh, Leigh.” Brian kneeled at my side. “What can I do?”

I brought a hand to my mouth. There weren’t words. My body shook in another sob, and that was the last of my self-control.

Bri
an’s strong arms slid around me. H
e carried my shaking body to the couch where he sat, keeping me on his lap. My face pressed into him and I cried. I thought back to being
skinny, unable to eat, throwing
up for days at a time. I remembered not being able to sleep even though my body was completely ex
-
hausted. My hair had started to fall out almost immediately. The endless medications, needles, side effects… What would be left of me to love?

I shook on Brian’s lap, his arms cradling me to his chest, until I drifted off to sleep.

- - -

My body shifted, and I opened my eyes.

“Sorry,” Brian whispered. “I wanted to get us something to eat.” His eyes were red and swollen from crying. I felt a hard stab of guilt. I knew in th
at moment I’d have to do better.
I’d have to make sure Brian never saw me lose it like that again. He alrea
dy had too much to deal with.
“I’m sorry.” I leaned my head back onto the couch.

“Don’t be sorry, Leigh. Never be sorry. We have each other. We can do this.” His hand traced the side of my face.

We did have each other, and I felt determined not to let him down again. I’d have to be stronger. Tougher. Brian depended on me.

NINE

I woke up in the familiar smell of hospital. Brian’s hands ran gently through my hair and then down my shoulder.

“Hey there,” he smiled. My hand rested in his.

“Hey.” I felt like I knew I would. Wooden, dried out, stiff and heavy.

“Dr. Watts said he’ll be here in a few minutes.”

“Have you already talked to him?” I mumbled in a scratchy voice.

“No, I just got a heads up from the nurse.”

I closed my eyes again.

“How do you feel?”

“Don’t know yet.” I tried to smile.