Left to Love (The Next Door Boys) (12 page)

“Climb in with me,” I said after she left. Maybe if Brian were close, it would feel like a lazy day of snuggling in together rather than what it actually was.

He shook his head.

“Come on.
Please
?” I scooted over to make room. “I want you close to me.” I reached out, pinched his t-shirt with my fingers and gave it a tug.

“I’m going to get in t
rouble for this,” he climbed onto the bed
, keeping his feet over the side.

“No you’re not. The girl with the needle in her arm gets whatever she wants.” I raised my eyebrows at him.

He smiled back.

“What’s that around your neck?” I pulled on the metal I could see disappearing under his shirt.

“Those are my dog tags.” He pulled them out of his shirt.

“Are you afraid of getting lost?” I teased.

“No.”

“So, what’s up?” I couldn’t fathom why he had them on.

“You use them - say if you got cap
tured, to keep track of time.”
“What do you mean?” I took the metal tags from his grasp.

“Okay, so you see how they come together with the little metal brackets?”

I watched his fingers slide down the chain.

“You can move how far down they’re attached. Now, I have the long one that goes around my neck and two shorter strands that hold each of the tags below.” I watched his hands. “So, you’d move this one over once each day and then after a week had passed, maybe you’d move the one over here to
show one week. Then you’d start over with the other
short one. You can see how there’s endless possibilities here.”

“Kind of morbid isn’t it?” I asked.

“Well, look at the rest of the information, name, social,
blood type
and religion. Things you’d want to know about a body or someone who’s injured or dying.”

“I bet that felt heavy around your neck at times.” I looked up at him. We hadn’t talked too much about his military experiences. I knew some of them were great and some I’m sure were worse than anything I could imagine. He’d lost a lot of friends overseas.

“At times.”

“So, why do you have them on now?”

“I’m keeping track, see?” He showed me where he’d painted a few of the links black on one of the shorter strands.

“So, what are the marks for?”

“Well, every time we come in for this.” He gestured to the room. “We get to move the bracket down one. When we get to the first mark, we’re at the halfway point.”

“And the second one is when we’re done,” I said.

“Yes. And then Dr. Watts said a few weeks after that, we’d have some results back so I have that marked as well.”

“And what’s the last one for?”

“I don’t know. Something life changing,” he smiled. “It doesn’t have to be exact. I thought maybe we’d put in for adoption. We’ve talked about moving. My hope is that by then you’ll be excited about doing something different, even if you don’t feel perfect.”

“It’s a long ways off.” I breathed out slowly. I couldn’t bring myself to count the small metal steps between his black marks.

“Not as long as it was this morning.” He pulled the bracket apart and moved it up one. “See? Now we’re working towards the halfway point.”

It felt overwhelming to me, but seemed to help him. It gave him something to do, some sense of accomplishment. I let myself relax onto my pillow. I sn
uggled closer to Brian. Closer to
warm
th
and safe
-ness
. This wouldn’t be so bad. We’d have some time every two weeks where we’d snuggle in together.

Then the
inkl
ing of something unmistakable—
the feeling of the poison creeping through my body. It slowly ran over me like the thin waves on a mellow beach whose tide is rising. My smiled disappeared and I felt immediately nauseous and weak. It
was
as if sickness slowly seeped into every pore.

Just in time, Tory came in with my Popsicle. I didn’t remember feeling this bad this fast last time. Maybe it was all in my head.

“Well, don’t you look cozy?” She raised an eyebrow at us lying in my bed together.

“Sorry.” Brian started to move.

“No, no.” She waved her hand. “The girl with the needle in her arm gets whatever she wants.”

“Told ya.” I rested my hand on Brian’s chest.

“I’m ready for a Zofran.”

“Already?” s
he asked, her eyebrows raised.

I nodded slightly. I didn’t want to move too much. Why did my body react so quickly and terribly?
And if it was just in my head, did that make me even weaker than I already felt?

I could feel Brian watching me carefully. I unwrapped my treat and stuck the cool dessert in my mouth. It gave me something to do more than it actually helped. Brian opened his as well, and started in. “What flavor do you have?” I needed more distraction than a popsicle.

“Orange.”

“H
mm. I like orange.” I kissed him. “Yummy.”

“And what’s yours?” he asked.

“Give it a taste.” I put my Popsicle behind me and leaned towards him for another kiss. He kissed me fully and his cool flavored mouth took some of the sting out of why we sat here together.

“Okay, what on earth are you two doing?” Dr. Watts asked smiling as he walked into the room.

“Mixing flavors.” I didn’t take my eyes off Brian.

He laughed. “Well, leave it to newlyweds to make this
that
kind of experience.”

I waited for him to ask me how I felt. I didn’t know if I could answer honestly with Brian in the room.

“Nurse said you’ve asked for your Zofran?”

I nodded.

“That was fast. But I’m glad you did, throwing
up while your stomach is still healing wouldn’t be fun.”

“I agree.” I stuck my Popsicle back in my mouth.

“How are you feeling?” he asked.

I hesitated.

“Don’t you lie to me, Leigh. Nobody in this room can help you if you’re not telling us what’s going on.”

“Hit me pretty fast,” I admitted. Brian ran his fingers through the edge of my hair. I knew he was worried, and I couldn’t look at his face. I didn’t want to know what was there. The guilt for putting us both through this overwhelmed me. “It could just be in my head.”

“Sorry.” Dr. Watts rested his hands on the railing of my bed. “And how you feel is how you feel. Your head’s the thing that tells you. Like I said, the next few months aren’t going to be fun.”

“So, is the cheery pep talk the only reason you’re here?”

He laughed. “Yep. That’s it. Don’t hesitate to call me. It would make me sad if one of my favorite patients didn’t use her doctor, okay?”

“Thanks.”

He walked out as Tory came in.

“Here you go.” She handed me the tiny pill. “This is how we have it today, under the tongue, on your tongue…”

“That’s fine.” I grabbed it from her and stuck it in my mouth. The pills were the worst. They didn’t really help with the nausea and had such a horrid
bitter taste that my gag reflex kicked in immediately, but they did keep me from throwing up.

So, the horrible nausea and need to throw up didn’t go away, but my body simply wouldn’t do it. The only time I’d taken them the first time around is when my weight got dangerously low. Today I took them for my healing stomach, and because I wanted to protect Brian in any way I could. I knew I’d probably throw up in front of him a lot over the next few months, but I couldn’t think about that. Not yet. Not until I had to.

I laid my head back. Brian joined me and we stared at one another for a while. I looked at his face, still tanned from the summer. His brown eyes seemed to hold every color and depth of brown imaginable. He kept his hair short, but not military short like he used to. Everything about the way he looked at me filled with love and kindness. It warmed me up, but also broke my heart. He shouldn’t need to be here.

“How would you feel about moving back to Seattle?” His voice broke the silence between us. “I mean, you grew up there. So--”

“What?” It had never come up before, not in any serious way.

“I was contacted by a couple of guys who do what I love to do most.
Some
web design work but they’ve done movie posters, album label art, big band posters and some really fantastic websites. They’re a little busier than they’d like to be for an office of two and they thought about hiring someone else on.

“
I could work remotely of course, and they don’t want me to be officially working for them until
my degree is finished. They’re a really cool couple of guys. It’s a: work from wherever and we’ll try to get together once a week or so to discuss things face to face.”

They contacted
him
? “Sounds like your dream job.” I couldn’t put into words how proud I felt. I knew his talent, to have someone else recognize it meant a future for him that he’d love.

“It is,” he admitted. “But I don’t want to move you away from here while your business is doing so well
,
and I don’t want to move us at all if you don’t want to. It’s just something to think about. You know, for next semester.”

“And you don’t want to move us while I’m in the middle of this mess.” I’d hit on what he didn’t want to say.

“That too.” His lips pressed togeth
er
.

A small nagging voice in my head wondered if I’d survive the treatments for that long. I quickly stuffed that one away. Brian couldn’t get any ideas of that thought passing through my head.

“Hey Leigh?” He touched my hair with his hand, running the strands through his fingers like he did so often. “We’re just going to keep on going like we’re going right now. And before you know it, it’ll all be over and we’ll be right back to where we were before all this started.”

Yeah. No big deal. It would feel like a whole lifetime, this next six months.  I knew what we were in for. He didn’t. Not yet.

- - -

Brian half-carried me from the car. The only
reason I’d been able to come home is that I’d assured Dr. Watts I’d do anything he asked to sleep in my own bed. He’d reluctantly agreed.

“How was it?” Mom asked as Brian opened the door.

I didn’t know how to answer. No one wanted the truth. I felt worse than I’d anticipated
,
and I’d anticipated feeling pretty bad. I hated my wimpy body.