Left to Love (The Next Door Boys) (13 page)

“Never mind,” she said as she gave me a once over. “Can I get you anything?”

“No thanks, Mom. I just want my own bed.”

I closed my eyes,
and Brian led me to our room, then
used his arms to lower me to sitting.

Mom came to the door with a cold washcloth. “There’s a stack of dry ones by the sink.” She passed Brian a bowl for me to throw up in.

I hoped to get through a few more treatments
before that started, but with the way I felt in that moment, I just wanted to get through the next few days.

“Let me know if you two need anything.” I recognized that stressed voice from my mom. She’d started this rough. How bad would it be near the end? My chest caved at those words, ‘the end’, I didn’t want to think about any kind of endings, not with Brian, not with Nathan, not with anyone.

Brian pulled the blankets back, helped me lift my legs, and sat on the edge of our bed. “Okay, I’m
going to ask you this a
gain, do you want me in here or—
”

“In here.” I didn’t even have to think about that one. Even after such a short time together, I couldn’t imagine not sleeping next to him. I slid down in bed and tried to pull him with me.

“You amaze me, Leigh.” He tried to smile, but desperation was written all over his expression.

Of course it was, he’d half carried me to the car and I’d become more and more despondent throughout the day. I’d have to work harder on my game face. “Don’t say that yet. I’ll feel worse in a day or two.” I attempted a smirk.

- - -

I lay
in bed and listened to Mom and Nathan eat breakfast. I overheard their conversation about what he wanted in his lunch and that we’d all be waiting for him when he got home. The door closed and a short while late
r the bus pulled up the street.

As much as I hated sending Nathan away on the bus, I loved being the first part of his day. It had already been taken from me. I felt a lump in my throat over things I’d already missed. Just simple daily things, but all those small and simple things added up to the most important stuff there was. Families, relationships, support… I couldn’t support anyone, not when I felt afraid to get out of bed.

Brian slowly opened the doors of our dark room, and kneeled down.

“Help me up slowly?” I asked. “I think I’m okay, but I’d rather take it slow than throw up all over our bed.”

“Sheets can be washed.” He smiled.

“You’re doing way too good, Brian.” There was no way he could really be as okay with all of this as he seemed.

“Keep me busy, help me know you want me around,
need
me around, and I’ll be fine.”

“I do need you around.” I held out both hands for him to take. The slower I started out, the more likely I’d feel better than expected after my strong reaction the day before.

His hands took mine first and then his body came in close for me to lean on. We slowly moved to standing together.

“How’s that?”

“I think I’m all right… today.” I let myself smile up at him.

He brushed the hair off my forehead and pressed our lips together. “So, you think you’ll feel worse, in a few days?”

“It depends. Usually I feel a little terrible on the day of and a day or two after and then really terrible for a day, maybe two, and then I feel slowly, continually better until I go in again.” I tried to see some reaction from him but he stood close, completely unreadable. “It was the first time in
,
so maybe it won’t get worse. I don’t think most people would feel this bad, this fast.”

“Okay.” He put his arm around me. “I have some work to do today and class this afternoon. Your mom is here for when Nathan comes home, and I thought maybe we’d share breakfast on the couch?”

“Right after I pee.” I walked out of our room on my own so he’d know I was doing okay. I didn’t feel too horrible, a little like the first day out of bed after the flu. I’d felt worse. Way worse. We were headed there next.

TWELVE

Mom spent the day scrubbing every inch of our very clean house. I spent the day doing as little as possible so I could feel as
good
as possible for my boys when they returned.

I heard the bus down the street, and
Mom
immediately
stepped outside. A few moments later, the door opened to Nathan’s smiling face.

“Hey there! Come give me a hug!” I reached toward him.

“Nope.” He shook his head. “Auntie Megan gave me stuff to do before you get a hug.”

“Is that so?” I asked. We were all thankful of Jaron’s wife’s nursing job. It came in handy often. I guessed that’s where the “stuff to do” came from.

“Yep.” He nodded. “First I take my backpack off outside.” He pointed to the door. “And then without touching any door handles I go to my room, take off my clothes and put them in the hamper.” His mouth pulled into a tight line. “You are not allowed to wash my clothes. Kids at school have really bad germs.”

I had to smile. He took his new job very seriously. I thought it was all a bit overboard, but I should have predicted this kind of behavior, given Brian, my mom and Megan.

“And what comes next?”

He thought for a moment, his finger on his chin. “I wash my hands! And my face!” He remembered. “And then I go find new clothes.”

“Well, it sounds like you know just what you’re doing.”

He took off toward his room.

“Everyone’s just trying to keep you well,” Mom said from the kitchen.

I felt determined to not be as difficult as I had been last time. “I know. It just seems like a little much.”

“Well, let’s think about how weak you’ll be near the end of the process. If his schedule can start now and doesn’t have to change, that’s a good thing for Nathan.”

I hadn’t thought of it from his perspective. I didn’t even
want
to think about that point in time. I hadn’t be
en able to stand my reflection—
my skin had looked almost grey, I’d lost all my hair. I brought my hand to my mouth, how soon would I lose my hair? The hair that Brian ran his fingers through? The brown hair that I’d grown to love? What would he think? What
could
he think?

“I’m back and all clean and I want my hug and a snack and a show!” Nathan came running into the room.

“Aren’t we forgetting something?” I asked, relieved for the distraction from my train of thought.

“Please!” H
e threw his arms around my neck
and climbed onto the couch.

“Let’s get some stuff together to send to your mom first, okay?”

He let out an exasperated sigh.

“It’s important Nathan. S
he misses you.” The
truth was that I didn’t know if she missed him or not,
but there’s no
good way to say that to
a five-year old.
It made me feel like I was doing a good thing, and it seemed good for Nathan, too.

Even if she didn’t want him, him feeling like she did was a good thing.

“Okay.” He looked as if he was being dragged off the couch. He pulled out one of the envelopes we had set out and drew a picture. Mom went to his backpack on the porch and got out a few bits of schoolwork to add to Nathan’s drawing.

“It’s good that you do this.” Mom looked over the back of the couch at me.

“Well, if I was in her position, I’d want it too.” I also wanted her to trust us. I desperately wanted Nathan as my eternal family, but it still felt like he should have his mom. The two tho
ughts conflicted to the point that I wasn’t sure I’d ever feel completely okay about officially adopting him.

Nathan stuffed his drawing in the envelope and ran outside to put it in the mailbox. He had the process down.

He climbed right back to his spot on the couch. We snuggled together like we always did in the afternoons. I’d get to keep this. I breathed in deeply, grateful for the small things that didn’t have to change.

- - -

“Are you aware of the routine?” I asked Brian as he came in the door. Nathan still comfortably snuggled against me on the couch.

Brian’s brow came together in confusion.

“For Nathan, from Megan?” I prompted.

He smiled. “Oh yeah, how’d he do?”

“Brillliantly.” I leaned my head on the back of the couch to see him better.

“Good job little man.” Brian rubbed his son’s head.

Nathan didn’t move. 
Phineas and Ferb
were in a tight spot.

“So, shouldn’t you be doing the same thing?” I pointed from his head to his feet.

Brian paused, unsure of what I asked.

“I think you should strip down and put on fresh clothes.” I pulled my lips into my mouth to keep from smiling.

Mom tried to ignore us from the kitchen where she worked on dinner. I knew she tried not to pay attention, because she’d stopped stealing glances at me into the living room. I watched Brian walk into the bathroom, and heard him wash his hands. He appeared back in the hallway.

I looked at him expectantly
, and then
point
ed
with authority. He looked up for a moment as if deciding something. Mom was in the kitchen, she couldn’t see. Nathan’s full attention was on the TV. Brian quickly pulled his shirt over his head and stood in front of our bedroom door for not nearly long enough before heading inside. I sat there really wishing I felt good enough to follow him.

- - -

My online shop’s email inbox had gotten full after my few days on the couch. I’d neglected it
further when Mom decided to stay for a whole week, just to make sure I could function. I felt pretty good, almost normal.

I filtered through wedding dress requests to see what I might like to work on. If I picked something simple, I might be able to put it together during the second week after my next treatment. If I still needed more time, I could work on it on my good days after number three. It felt good, having plans to keep busy on the days I knew I’d probably feel okay.

“Leigh?” Brian called from the front door.

“In here.”

“Wha’cha workin on?” He sat sideways on the chair next to me, facing his body toward mine. He slid his hands around my waist.